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today I’m feeling so defeated, but I’m only allowed to feel fine and be reassuring when WH husband has stress. If I get obsessive as he calls it over talking about any aspect of the unpleasant event I’m told he’s going to be staying at work longer or he’s going to bed and he can’t take thinking things are fine and having the rug pulled. Today I was told to knock off being clingy and be fun, then I was told I must spend a half hour doing something more refined like studying history, I said okay I enjoyed the class I took in it, his response that class was just to make you spend money and feel good it means nothings it’s the McDonald’s of history classes.

I have 3 kids 2 are special needs he works away from home weeks at a time so he makes sure to make time for his chess drinking his tea and learning Russian I’m lucky to have time to spend In the shower. I’m told a big part of the reason for the affair is I’m not supportive or attentive enough, I don’t appreciate him enough and all he does.

He doesn’t want to hear if my days are hard he wants me to put on a happy face. All that said I’m lucky to have a very supportive family who helps me lots and wonderful children I adore! I love my husband but he just does not get it at all.

[This message edited by Footinmouth at 9:33 PM, Sunday, January 23rd]

Sorry to hear of your troubles. Your husband sounds like he is ignoring your feelings all together and blame shifting. I went through a similar thing with my husband and still have to push back in order to get him to own his behaviour. Its hard work and a pattern that we have fallen into over a period of time. Before you respond to him, check with yourself if what he is saying is true and if it isn’t, then tell him you don’t see it that way.

Your husband is not reconciliation material,but I think you know that.

he can’t take thinking things are fine and having the rug pulled.

Oh, the irony.

I'm sorry he doesn't care about your feelings.

I’m told he’s going to be staying at work longer or he’s going to bed

Quite the manipulator.

He’ll never change unless he has to. Maybe not even then. What’s your plan, FIM?

He’s your fourth child.

I am sorry you are treated so horrible, it would have been bad even without the affair but in the context of it… it’s unimaginable why would he think this is what R looks like.

You mentioned that you love your husband, can I ask what you love about him? What positives is he bringing to your life?

Friend – what you share sounds abusive.
Abuse can have many pictures. We tend to see it as physical abuse where a spouse dominates the other with physical violence. In your instance I see a husband that tries to keep you in place by belittling you, what you do and what you try. It’s his way of keeping control.
Breaking out of that is really hard. Like REALLY hard…
Both for him to change his behavior and for you to refuse to accept it.

I want you to consider the following:
Best of all would be for you to get IC or a life-coach. Someone to guide you and maybe help build up your confidence.
If money or secrecy is an issue then maybe contact a woman’s help-line. The domestic abuse help-line? Like I said: we tend to see domestic abuse as this physical thing, but those that work in that area realize the emotional control and all it’s aspects. These resources often have self-help groups, pro-bono IC’s and such.
Look into self-help books and courses.
Maybe try some yoga or meditation?

I know you have a busy schedule but try as you can to find time for yourself. Look at it this way: Your husband’s actions clearly show that he would not be the ideal dad to his kids, therefore they need YOU. You are only as good as you can give, and if you are emotionally drained you can’t give. Time spent on you is therefore directly time taken to be better for your kids.

Hi FIM,

It sounds like you're (at minimum) dealing with a very selfish, entitled person. There's so much in your post that sounds EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE.

STONEWALLING: (shutting you out)

talking about any aspect of the unpleasant event I’m told he’s going to be staying at work longer

BELITTLING:

I enjoyed the class I took in it, his response that class was just to make you spend money and feel good it means nothings it’s the McDonald’s of history classes.

GASLIGHTING: (not allowed to feel what you're feeling)

I was told to knock off being clingy and be fun,

ABANDONMENT:

he works away from home weeks at a time

SELFISHNESS:

he makes sure to make time for his chess drinking his tea and learning Russian

BLAMESHIFTING: (and more gaslighting)

I’m told a big part of the reason for the affair is I’m not supportive or attentive enough, I don’t appreciate him enough and all he does.

He sounds quite narcissistic. There's no room in his head for you or your children.

Please look into Dr. Ramani on youtube. She's a psychologist who's done a lot of work on narcissists and how to handle him. Whether he's full blown narcissist or not, he has many of the behaviors of one (from what I've read in your post).

I'm sorry you're in this spot. His affair had NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with HIM.

180 and grey rock.

((((FIM)))

Your H is not R material. He is abusive, manipulative, gaslighting, and quite skilled at making you feel you need to do what he says.

Honey he is abusing you, he is not helping you with the kids, what does he do other than make money that plays a role of spouse or father?

Life is very short. Very SHORT. It is way to short to spend time allowing someone else tell you how you should act and feel. You will never heal properly from his trangressions, abuse, and infidelity if you don't work through the pain and grief. He wants to you pretend it never happened clearly and to put on a happy face around him, or else he will spend more time away.

Let him. In the meantime you see an attorney and figure out what a D looks like for you. How do you get assistance to help with your special needs kiddos. You need some support and he clearly isn't going to give it to you.

For your non-special needs kid you are setting the example of what happy healthy marriage should be.

I said okay I enjoyed the class I took in it, his response that class was just to make you spend money and feel good it means nothings it’s the McDonald’s of history classes.

What kind of creep belittles someone they love for trying to better themselves?

Look, he may be a really hard worker. He may feel like he's doing it all for you. He's not, he's doing it for himself, as well. But you're not a servant committed to serving his needs. You're his wife, his partner. You're committed to one another. You share a relationship as equal partners with equal weight to your needs.

Is he in IC to figure out what the hell is wrong with him that he could do this to you and think that it's ok to treat you this way?

Hi @Footinmouth how are you doing dear friend. Marriage is meant to be a loving and supportive relationship between two people and when that becomes one sided, it's not good for the marriage.
Do you have any close family member or friend that you both trust and respect that can mediate for you and help convey how you're feeling. You should also really consider professional IC and MC especially if your H is refusing to acknowledge your feelings, maybe he will listen to a professional counselor.

I want to encourage you to remember that your self worth is not a reflection of your husband's wrong choices or actions. You are enough as you are, you are stronger than you think and you are worth of love that is respectful and supportive.

How are you, FootinMouth?

How are you holding up?

Ty everyone so much I’m doing okay you are always amazing people. I find myself being triggered easily and trying to get responses out of my husband. He’s bk to how he was before and that didn’t bother me then but mostly needing a lot of time to play chess and relax and so on but when I’m feeling this needy his lack of response it very difficult. I found myself praying to god that he would have a dream or something that would make him understand my feelings or even feel them just abit so he could show me that I mean something to him.
I let him off to easy with too much compassion and understanding and now it’s swept under the rug and I’ve committed myself to the status que.

I feel so fake tho.

You can change your mind.

Sorry for the tough position you're in. I wish your WH could have a lobotomy that would change his tune overnight. He might tout himself as a great intellectual, but he sucks at emotional intelligence and as a healer, which you desperately need him to be right now. What you describe also sounds high risk for having another affair. Staying at work longer, long periods of time away playing chess, working way from home for weeks at a time. The stress of multiple special needs kids and what he calls a "clingy" wife. Red alert. Praying that he has some divine intervention and sees the light.