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She was actually really pissed off and left the drinks early in a huff. But then that night, she tried to have sex with me. I resisted. She went to sleep in a double-huff. By the way: would she really want to have sex with me if she were having a physical affair at the same time?

The next day, she barely spoke a word to me. Fine. It wasn’t until our drive home together that we spoke. And what happened simply blew me away: she asked ME whether I was being unfaithful. I … was … speechless. I asked her what had lead to this unbelievable query, and she said the following: "You have been distant lately; you don’t seem to be into sex as much as you used to; you’re always on your phone; I don’t know … is there someone else?"

It took every fibre of my self-restraint not to completely lose it. After a minute’s silence, where her energy shifted from defiant to uncertain to uncomfortable, I simply said, "No. I have not been unfaithful and never would. If I had problems with you, I most certainly wouldn’t solve them by cheating. People who cheat are scumbags: broken, lying, self-deceptive, manipulative scumbags." She then walked it all back and said, "No, I didn’t think you actually were. I just had to ‘go there’ to see where you ‘are’ right now’. I honestly don’t know this woman.

This is really common projection stuff. Also she has been making excuses in her mind to cheat. Of course she is looking for any negative to latch on to. As for sex, you were probably a walking dildo for her AP fantasy that she built up over the course of the day talking to her AP. This is always a fun one for me to think about since my sex life significantly increased at the time of my wife's EA. I'm not saying it's a sign they didn't have a PA, but that was my experience. I think if she had consummated her affair, my wife still would have had sex with me though. I mean why not? The attention of two men is better than one, no?

Make sure you record the confrontation with a VAR or your phone, you may want to revisit the convo at a later time for verification purposes, plus false DV charges are not uncommon, WS sometimes make false DV charges or accussations in order to deviate attention and protect their image and reputation.

Good luck on the confrontation, don't forget to tell her to show you her unlocked phone, those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing, and don't buy the typical "it's my privacy" defense, when you marry it becomes "our privacy" instead, tell her she's got 10 seconds to give it to you, if you hesitate and give her time she will go on a deleting spree and then hand it to you. Also don't forget to tell OBS, this will likely result in OM throwing your WW under the bus in an effort to save his own M and job. You may also consider to place a VAR under her car seat, guess who she's likely to call inmediately after the confrontation ? either OM or a confidant/cheerleader toxic friend or relative, the VAR could help you get unfiltered vital info that could ultimately help you make a better informed decision.

This is my first post here but had to reply because of what you said about opportunities to cheat in a hotel if you work there. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel and really one of the reasons I changed careers in my thirty’s. I wasn’t married at the time I worked at a residential stay hotel. I took advantage of the out of order rooms and empty rooms not being used. It’s easy to make it happen. Most large reputable hotel chains have fraternization policies. Take your time and listen to the advice you’re getting here. I wish this avenue was available to me 30 years ago when my first wife cheated on me. Stay strong and hang tough!💪

And what happened simply blew me away: she asked ME whether I was being unfaithful. I … was … speechless. I asked her what had lead to this unbelievable query, and she said the following: "You have been distant lately; you don’t seem to be into sex as much as you used to; you’re always on your phone; I don’t know … is there someone else?"

This is definitely a "Thing" with the cheaters. Its projection at its finest.

My WW accused me of having an affair with her AP's wife, who I only met 1 time. LOL. Had it not been for her intro and her cheating on me with her AP, I would have never known the BS. SO YES, definitely a thing for the WW's to do. They are projecting and acting all insecure.

Just wait, your WW is now on to you. She will be acting all weird this week. She will be crawling in her skin, acting nice one moment and pissed in the next. She has an inkling you know some thing is up, but she does not know to the extent and will try to lie to hide.

By the way: would she really want to have sex with me if she were having a physical affair at the same time?

Yes, WW's are not predictable on this front. It's common for WW's to withdraw sexually from their faithful husbands as a form of "loyalty" to their AP's. It's also not uncommon for them to continue or even ramp up sexual activity with their faithful husbands as they are caught up in the sexual excitement of the affair.

I think you are well-advised to use Bigger's formulation and confront. Yes, confronting without a ton of proof can drive an affair underground. But you know enough, with the short marriage you have, to simply say this is unacceptable and move on.

I am sooooo sorry had to join this forum like the rest of us. Just know what she is doing has nothing to do with you.

I would take the advice provided by everyone else. Talk to a lawyer.

I wish I had more sound advice for you but I am pretty new to this myself. My WH proposed to his young enough to be his daughter OW before I even served him divorce papers.

It’s so common not to recognize them. They are delusional. They lie so much.

I wish you lots of strength and love from a betrayed sister.

(((Hugs)))

Faithfinder

Just a quick update.

Met with my lawyer and it’s definitely the best I have felt about anything relating to this situation, since it began.

I am 99% sure my wife doesn’t know about this site but, on the very off-chance she does, I am going to keep the details of my meeting to an absolute minimum—especially because I am confident I can emerge from this (financially, at least) with minimal damage.

These last few days have been totally weird. She has been treating me amazingly well. Feels like our first months together. She has tried to initiate sex twice, but I was able to get out of it in a positive way and without raising any questions from her.

When she was out yesterday, I managed to get into her computer again and saw that her Word document has been updated, with more exchanges between them. To answer some of your questions about this document, it definitely does NOT contain proof of previous sexual exchanges or future meetings. But in many ways, it is far worse: they have multiple nicknames for each other, coded inside jokes … basically a whole little secret universe that, in many ways, is far worse than the sordid planning of sweaty trysts; this is two people pretty in love, I think. I am shattered, but … hey-ho. Looks like I have serious ‘picker problems’.

So, I don’t need a private detective or much further proof. The boys are going to their dad’s tomorrow, leaving us a whole week—and in particular Saturday—to have this out. I will confront her Saturday. I won’t make any threats; I will just tell her that she is free to date this man and do whatever she wants with him. Just that I won’t be sharing my wife, etc.

Wish me luck…

Well, atleast you have the full picture. Many here do not have that as an option. My recommendation is to get her boyfriend's wife's information in any way possible, you'll be needing that asap.

These last few days have been totally weird. She has been treating me amazingly well. Feels like our first months together. She has tried to initiate sex twice, but I was able to get out of it in a positive way and without raising any questions from her.

From your story, it seems she's been using you as a beard to hide the illicit relationship with Boss AP, stepdad, and roommate. She put forth the effort to get the marriage than slacked off. Now that she notices you pulling away she's trying to lock you back down. Sorry you're here but I'm glad the legal separation isn't going to be as bad as you had feared.

But in many ways, it is far worse: they have multiple nicknames for each other, coded inside jokes … basically a whole little secret universe that, in many ways, is far worse than the sordid planning of sweaty trysts; this is two people pretty in love, I think. I am shattered, but … hey-ho. Looks like I have serious ‘picker problems’.

It would be very unlikely that two adults in love with easy access to free hotel rooms wouldn't have taken it physical. And as someone who used to work in the hotel industry - yes, extremely easy for them to use a vacant room one morning/afternoon/evening. He'd have 101 excuses to pull her aside for extra "training" or to inspect an "issue" far enough away from anyone else who is working that they would never know.

I agree that you really don't need to prove it as the onus would be on her to prove that it hadn't happened if it came down to it. It's not uncommon that they don't mention it. Do you normally text her play backs about your intimacy together? And with the additional layer of risk knowing that anyone could find that word document, why leave evidence like that when you can pretend like it hadn't happened yet and still get the thrill of whatever they've been saying to each other? Most BSes don't get a smoking gun play-by-play in writing like you're thinking of and yet most of the time it was PA too. You don't need to keep doubting yourself moving forward if your gut tells you it happened.

Good luck with your confrontation this weekend.

I am very sorry you are going through this. It seems your WW has hidden her true self. It's always good IMO to try and think a few steps ahead. After your "discussion" on Saturday, most likely (if you have notified the OBS ahead of time) the AP is going to dump your WW faster than you can say "roses are red....", (he has a new bride of his own I think) and your WW will suddenly be looking at supporting two boys, possibly out of work, with no AP and no BH to help out. Get ready to be love bombed like never before, tears and sobbing and so remorseful. Have your plans and boundaries ready just in case. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:37 PM, February 10th (Thursday)]

I'm glad you had good news from your lawyer, don't forget to record the confrontation with your phone, yes false DV charges happen and sometimes when confronted some cheaters feel like a cornered wounded beast and try anything to save their image and reputation, also character assasination of the BS is pretty common, so make sure you get in front of the narrative with family and close friends, they don't need the gory details, a simple "I'm divording WW because she cheated on me with POSOM would suffice (make sure you name him)".

Good luck with the confrontation, be prepared for all types of gaslighting, blameshifting, love bombing and other manipulation techniques, let us know how it goes, the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation, we've literallly "seen it" play out THOUSANDS of times here on SI and other forums.

Glad the meeting with the lawyer went well, as suspected, you're only in 1 yr, so the damage should be limited.

From here on out, you'd be best to cut her loose. On your confrontation, since you already know, I'd set a limit to how much you want to go into it. Not sure theres much value in confronting anyway if your intent on saving your assets and divorcing anyway. Sometimes, you cannot unsee, or unhear things.

Good luck Sat.

By the way: would she really want to have sex with me if she were having a physical affair at the same time?

Yep. This is how the betrayed spouse catches an STD from a cheating spouse.

Sometimes this is how the you learn your husband/wife is cheating on you, after a trip to the doctor.

I’d email a copy of the document to the APs wife just before you talk to yours, and then I’d start out the conversation by handing her a printed version of the document.

I wish you strength in the coming days.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:33 AM, Friday, February 11th]

Please keep a level head. Breath, ask, breath talk, breath and take a break then repeat.
Write out what you want to know, list what you need to know. There is a difference between the two.
Don’t take the blame. It was her choice.
One day at a time

It may be useful to record your conversation with your WW.

Goodluck!

I’m sorry you are facing this. If I can give you a few suggestions in your discussion or blowing up the affair:

Be prepared. Have your opening statement well prepared. Do NOT ask her about the affair. Firmly state "I know about your affair".

Never give up your source. Never. Tell her you have proof but do not reveal what the proof is. You may need to access info later on and that could go away if you reveal.

If she starts to lie snd call you crazy - you need to shut that down. Tell her "I expect the truth from you. If you are going to lie then we can just end this right now and I can take the appropriate steps I need to take".

If it continues where she’s lying snd calling you crazy (typical cheater behavior BTW) then leave the room. Leave the house - lock yourself in the bathroom but you need to assert your control.

I learned this the day I had to tell my H I was D him (dday2). It was 3 sentences spoken very calmly and rationally. No yelling. No fight. It was a statement not a discussion. In that moment he lost any and all control or decision making ability over me or my children. And he realized he was blindsided and I was not taking him back.

I hope this helps you.

I wonder whether she will say the Word document is a work of creative fiction or journal, all her? For those more technically savvy than me, is there a way for OP to download data showing the timing of contributions and the number of computers used?