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Recently I'm having lots of trouble with anger, especially the feeling of being unjustly done. Like I've been a genuinely good person all my life, and my reward is a shit sandwich and lifelong therapy. Yay me. I don't even care if my ex-WF is happy or miserable, I'm just so angry that I was made miserable.

Logically I know I need to accept the current situation, grieve the past and focus on building my new life. But I don't feel it. I feel like the victim of such injustice. It's not fair I have to take most of my free time to try to understand trauma to just survive.

Anyone has luck with this? Any help is appreciated. Ty in advance.

#angryandfrustrated

No help, just a huge f’in "me too". Thanks for putting your pain in clear words, it helps the rest of us understand ourselves better.

I don’t know how long you are from the implosion of the relationship so it may be possible that you need time. Time to process the situation and accept the outcome.

However it is also possible (if the anger has reared its head more recently) that you feel just plain old ticked off that you got a raw deal. And you are entitled to feel that way.

Maybe some professional advice would help.

Or maybe you need to process the trauma and start a new thought process. Every day you are angry is another way the opponent wins. It can be hard to accept and move on.

But you deserve to be living your best life. And I hope you find it. Heal yourself. Love yourself. Move on from the X.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:17 AM, Wednesday, June 28th]

I don’t know how long you are from the implosion of the relationship so it may be possible that you need time. Time to process the situation and accept the outcome.

Close to 2 years. I've been able to process much in those times. But the injustice feeling is still a sore spot.

However it is also possible (if the anger has reared its head more recently) that you feel just plain old ticked off that you got a raw deal.

It has resurfaced more recently. I've been dealing with some irl setbacks. And seeing friends make progress in their relationships and careers just triggers me to subconsciously compare my pains to their successes. This triggers my victim mentality and sense of unfairness, and the anger associated with it. I really hate to compare, and try to stop myself consciously, but it just happens and the triggering snowball follows. Sigh.

Life isn't fair and bad things happen to good people every single day.
Yes you ha e been traumatized and victimized. The best revenge is a life well lived. Heal yourself. Feel the feels. Do something productive with the anger and love your life.

No advice either sadly, but I feel exactly the same at 13 months out so hugs to you 😔 I try really hard to stop my thought processes as soon as the 'victim mentality' starts popping into my head. I remind myself there are sooo many people in this world who are worse off than me, through no fault of their own, and how hard their lives must be. In those moments it can help to remind myself of all the things I have to be grateful for. That soon pushes those negative feelings away.

Sending happy & supportive thoughts your way 😊

Oh I'm totally in the "f**k this whole damn world" state right now and my first dday was over a decade ago.

Just starting the divorce path since police charged my wh with domestic assault. It's kinda just all been forced now which I wasn't prepared for.

I know logically I'm better off but the prospect of losing everything because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants, had an affair child and took his anger at his "screwup" out on me...oh man I'm just fuming.

I dont exercise but doing something physical usually helps. Like the other day I filled the potholes in my driveway by just filling buckets with gravel and hauling it by hand. (It's a gravel driveway). I could have just used the tractor to push the pile of gravel and smooth it out with the grading blade but I was so angry operating big machinery wasn't the best idea lol

I saw a therapist online say to just scream. Scream in your car or in a pillow. It works too and I'm in the middle of nowhere so no one hears me.

I clicked on this to see how you expressed a feeling that has followed me around almost my whole life, and that is no short period of time.

I am 9 years out from the last of multiple D-days and yet it still happens, especially while I'm doing mindless work like weeding the garden, that I'll have flashbacks to scenarios of injustices suffered long ago, even some from early childhood come to mind. I have come to see this was a theme in my life story.

But all that ruminating does for me is to take my focus off whatever current injustice there may be going on. It doesn't heal the pain, just helps categorize it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that after recognizing where this anger comes from, we need to somehow divest ourselves from the identity I'll call "victim of injustice." Just like we would take off a ragged old garment that doesn't define who we are but was draped over us so often it had become familiar, perhaps even useful, yet wasn't good quality and really isn't flattering. We need to separate ourselves from the crap that was thrown at us!

I know injustice is rampant and I have to pray daily and sometimes hourly to "offer it up." We need to hear that there is a worthy person in there, and we need to find and celebrate that person! Maybe verbal or written affirmations repeated daily would help get the old victim coat off?

Here is a reflection question: prior to this deep betrayal, did you ever experience any similar feeling? Or was yours a life filled with contentedness, love, success, admiration, all those goodies? If you're like many, you may see a pattern repeating.

Best of luck to all of us who have struggled with this.

I also get triggered into a victim rage. I'll be around a friend, someone who has had SO many benefits and advantages and hasn't suffered any real setbacks, and get into a major funk (one of my friends is a particular trigger as her entitled attitude about all she has been given in life triggers the f$ck out of me).

A few years back, I would let the feelings take me. I felt I had earned my rage. I hated everyone, hated the world. I'd stay in a bad mood, kind of sulk, snap at people, ruminate about how unfair it all was.

And then a very good friend died after a long battle with cancer. The only thing she wanted was to live. She told me, "All of my other problems feel so trivial now. Why did I spend so much time feeling so negative? Why did I waste so much precious time? I promise God every day that if he would just let me live, I would appreciate every moment. I would take full advantage of the gift that just getting to live another day actually is! Because when it's done, it's done. You can't go back and live those moments differently."

Geeze. It changed my whole perspective. I work really, really hard when the triggers come. Life can be brutally hard, and I am sorry for how badly you are feeling. But this is it. This is the life we get, and inside the hardships--and they are real for many of us--is also joy. There is joy in the little gifts like a comfy nap or a beautiful day, not just the big things. I try to use mindfulness and bring my mind back to the here and now. This moment, in whatever beauty we can find, is what we have. Nothing that anybody else does or doesn't have matters. You have this beautiful moment to enjoy. The future is unknown, and things can change on a dime. So try to find joy in the right now.

Definitely feel the anger, journal it out, but don't let yourself get stuck there. Because as my friend said, "When it's done, it's done. You can't go back and live these moments differently."

I think this is something I struggled with the most and I still do, not only around infidelity (although infidelity brought it to light in a very stringent way) but around all the trauma inflicted on me.

I am not religious but I used to have a spiritual belief that if you put good into the universe you get good back. And whilst I wasn’t some sort of inspiration to my peers, I did my best to be a good person.

And yet…

Life isn't fair and bad things happen to good people every single day.

This!

The unfairness of it all still shouts at me but these days I remind myself that those people that die in unfair wars, or around the globe riddled with diseases and famine have done nothing to deserve this.

It does suck.

One thing I’m proud of is that I’ve not allowed the unfairness of it to influence my behaviour as a human. I think I now know I’m generally a good person and I wish to continue to be so regardless of what the universe decides to throw at me.

This little story has always helped me when thoughts of my wife's actions come to mind. It was originally told to my pre-teen son after he was diagnosed with cancer about ten years ago.

The thought is that if everyone in the room wrote all their problems on index cards and tossed them into a big pile in the middle of the room, you'd probably see all the others' problems and want your own back.

Rage at the injustice is, IMO, part of healing. The resolution has to be either acceptance of injustice or a life wishing things aren't as they really are. You know which kind of life will be more fulfilling and joyful, and I urge you to go for joy. Especially after being betrayed, joy is worth seeking.

It has resurfaced more recently. I've been dealing with some irl setbacks. And seeing friends make progress in their relationships and careers just triggers me to subconsciously compare my pains to their successes. This triggers my victim mentality and sense of unfairness, and the anger associated with it. I really hate to compare, and try to stop myself consciously, but it just happens and the triggering snowball follows. Sigh.

This seems like a good outline of what you don't like about yourself. The next step is to ID what you want to replace them with. If you want to change and can't do it yourself, you can take these sentences to a good IC and ask for help changing. If the IC is able and willing to help, try them out.

I'm sorry for the IRL setbacks. No one is at their best after being betrayed, so I think it's common for people tp experience troubles outside of their M while dealing with the life-exploding aspects of infidelity ... injury piled on injury.

The problem is that you can't change the past. You can change how you respond to the past, and you can change your future, though, and you can change both for the better.

Thanks guys for the kind words, and for sharing your stories. Our feelings and stories mirror each other so it feels validating and relieving that we're not on this road alone.

@Superesse

Here is a reflection question: prior to this deep betrayal, did you ever experience any similar feeling? Or was yours a life filled with contentedness, love, success, admiration, all those goodies? If you're like many, you may see a pattern repeating.

I've always carried, and had issues with injustice from a messed up childhood. So to me, love, content, and other goodies were results of hard work and introspection, rather than given by my family of origin. CPTSD work and inner child work helps with that aspect. Feelings of unfairness from betrayal just feel so much more raw and the emotional punch hits harder, so it's harder to stop the victim mindset spiral from happening.

@OwningItNow

And then a very good friend died after a long battle with cancer. The only thing she wanted was to live. She told me, "All of my other problems feel so trivial now. Why did I spend so much time feeling so negative? Why did I waste so much precious time? I promise God every day that if he would just let me live, I would appreciate every moment. I would take full advantage of the gift that just getting to live another day actually is! Because when it's done, it's done. You can't go back and live those moments differently."

Wow OwningItNow that must have been such a powerful shake to your foundation. I'm glad you've found a much healthier perspective from that experience.

@DragnHeart

Dragon I've been following your story and you're such a strong and brave person. You've survived so much. You're so justified to have the anger you must be feeling. Good point on physical activities. I have recently gotten back to exercising, so will prioritize it and continue.

I've been reading Victor Frankl's "Man's search for meaning" and reading about how he survived years in Auschwitz and the pain he endured. You would think the concentration camp survivors would have such hatred for the injustice that they had to endure. But even upon release Frankl did not note a high degree of sense of unfairness or victim mentality, when they have all the rights to feel like a victim forever for what they've been through. I found it fascinating. But alas could not understand why they did not feel the anger that we here feel and struggle with.

An interesting Frankl quote from the book I found:

“At such a moment, it is not the physical pain which hurts the most; it is the mental agony caused by the injustice, the unreasonableness of it all.”

The mental agony caused by injustice and unfairness trumps even physical torture from fricking Auschwitz.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 6:55 PM, Wednesday, June 28th]

I can very much relate to your rage at the unfairness of it all. I experienced the same feelings. It was darn near debilitating, and ultimately damaging. I had been the model wife in my opinion. He left me for a woman no one would consider a remotely good wife. Our's was the third marriage she broke up by pursuing the husband. And my husband had been her second husband's best friend since 8th grade. My life was turned upside down for the likes if her. He and OW almost bankrupted me. I in no way deserved what was done to me.

It's easy to say "I deserve better". It's much harder to believe it and act like it. Until I got rid of the sense of victimhood, there was no way I could convince myself I was worth more, much less anyone else, so I attracted people who took advantage of that. It wasn't until I finally realized that injustice and unfairness were going to exist no matter how good a person I was, that I could finally see the value of what was done to me. It taught me that being a good person didn't guarantee that everything would go right for me and I'd be happy. I had been a people pleaser all my life and it didn't get me where I expected to be, because my happiness or success isn't based on any other person. It's based on me, and so I put myself back in the driver's seat of my own future. And I was no longer angry. In fact it was incredibly freeing.

Sisoon put it very well. You can't change the past. By hanging on to the anger and sense of injustice, you are keeping yourself from experiencing joy and freedom, and you are still living in the past. It's healthy to have anger for awhile, but at some point you ask yourself what anger is accomplishing for you, and in my case it was making things worse. Now no one controls my destiny but myself. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

It's easy to say "I deserve better". It's much harder to believe it and act like it. Until I got rid of the sense of victimhood, there was no way I could convince myself I was worth more, much less anyone else, so I attracted people who took advantage of that. It wasn't until I finally realized that injustice and unfairness were going to exist no matter how good a person I was, that I could finally see the value of what was done to me. It taught me that being a good person didn't guarantee that everything would go right for me and I'd be happy. I had been a people pleaser all my life and it didn't get me where I expected to be, because my happiness or success isn't based on any other person. It's based on me, and so I put myself back in the driver's seat of my own future. And I was no longer angry. In fact it was incredibly freeing.

Thank you for putting the feelings of inner tension and change into words so brilliantly. Bravo. This was truly a great read.

Your message made something click for me regarding my people pleasing tendencies and feelings of injustice. Maybe this can help other people pleasers too. Background: I've had a messed up childhood which led to me being a people pleaser. It was the only way I could get affection and love as a kid.

So I see that I am justified to feel anger at my XWF for cheating, and I did for a while. But this current feeling of injustice is not to her, it's towards something deeper. My anger is towards me feeling not being rewarded of being a good partner. I've held the notion, even subconsciously, that because I was a good person and partner, I deserved to be loved and be happy. This came from my childhood, more on that later. So when I tried to be the best partner I could, but was given a shit sandwich, I felt this was not fair. I fulfilled my half of the contract, but did not receive my just rewards. However here's the kicker, in adult relationships this kind of thinking is delusional. I can offer my love out of the kindness of my heart, but that doesn't mean I am owed anything. I am free to see the lack of reciprocity from my partner as a reason to enforce boundaries, to communicate, or to leave. However in adult relationships, I am not owed anything good for acting good. I am not owed love for acting with love. It's up to me to decide how to react to the lack of love that I receive, but it's not owed. That's a big difference. I feel like this is the difference between remaining a victim of people pleasing tendencies and owning your reality.

So I then looked deeper. Why do I expect rewards? And why do I feel so angry when I don't get my "just reward"? The answer came out to this: It's because deep down, the true me does not like to people please, but I had do it to survive. When I was little, I had to please my parents to receive a breadcrumb of love. So the transaction was this: I will do what they want to please them, even if I don't want to deep down; and in return I get my breadcrumb. It was my only source of emotional sustenance. So do I actually want to please their narcissistic desires? No, I do it to survive. Transferring that to the relationship with my XWF, I would act like the best partner ever, and in return, subconsciously, I expected to be taken care of, to be loved. Except I didn't get that, I got a shit sandwich and trauma instead. And to a people pleaser like myself, who did everything "right", it just felt so.... unfair.

So naturally this sense of injustice gets triggered when I see others doing well in life. To my people pleaser mindset, their "transactions" worked and they received the results of their labour. This would trigger me, because I too did "everything right", yet I got nothing to show for it. How unfair is that?

But this was actually the wrong way to look at it. It was the people pleasing way of looking at it. I love because I am a loving person. I act kindly because deep down I am kind. Reality is that I am not owed any kind of success or happiness or love for being loving and kind myself. It's up to me to find someone who can see me for who I am, and reciprocate love and kindness back. With my FOO and XWF I spent my life barking up the wrong trees. That means I need to accept that I was acting out of my people pleasing tendencies. I need to recognize that though I've repeated this mistake my entire life, I am free to make new and improved decisions now. Maybe this is part of the realization and growth that Charity411 was referring to. It feels so new and scary, but it does feel a bit freeing.

edit: grammar fixes

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 10:07 PM, Thursday, June 29th]

There is a line in Bhagwat Gita where Krishna tells Arjuna, "Work for works sake and don't expect any reward for it." It has two different philosophical perspectives:
1. To be selfless. Selflessness is considered one of the highest virtues. (Moral perspective)
2. You won't be rewarded all the time even if you do great things for the greatest number of people. That's life for you. (Cynical perspective)

Jesus dedicated his life to the well-being of the people, but in the end, he was crucified. Was he rewarded by the people for whom he dedicated his life?? No!!

The true meaning behind Buddha's popular words, "Desire is the source of your misery" is that you won't always get what you want no matter how hard you work for it or sacrifices you make for it. Expecting fair treatment and justice are also our desires, which we don't always get. Nothing wrong in desiring them or making attempts to achieve them, but we should not base our happiness and living spirits on them.

Instead of focusing on getting our desires being met by other people as a reaction to our actions, we should aim for personal satisfaction and contentment in our actions and way of living. Even though Jesus was crucified unfairly and cruelly, he was satisfied and content with the works he had done, and he never regretted his way of life and the way his story ended.

You should do the same thing. Choose and focus on actions and works that give you personal satisfaction and a sense of achievement and perform them. Reward yourself!! Rely on yourself!! That builds the strength of your character. And when you are strong, your every problem becomes trivial.

Ah, but what if the reward sought is unattainable, no matter how much we attempt to gain it?

This post had me really doing a deep dive myself today, and OP has come back and confirmed how it often happens that people carry their childhood feeling of being deprived of love, acceptance and self-worth right through life. I see it in my rear view mirror so clearly.

Some therapists have theorized that we subconsciously choose mates who will fit in with the schema we formed in childhood about our value. I don't like such a fatalistic view of human mate selection, but I see evidence in my life that I accepted quite a lot of "better than nothing" handouts, all along the way. Because truly I didn't think the goal I sought was attainable for me. I mean, it hadn't been true in my FOO. The world taught us early we may not have some rewards reserved for random others.

Like when I was dating my current WH, one time he had a business trip to a city I'd always wanted to visit and he invited me to come on down. So I took a vacation day from my job, bought myself an airplane ticket, arrived there late in the evening and then had to take a bus to his downtown hotel, where I found him sound asleep in his own room. He had been working 12 hours in the heat, and needed his sleep for the next brutally long day, he explained. I accepted that explanation, but something in my heart was whispering "Sheesh, dude." I came back from that trip, shared this with a young guy I worked with for some reason (now I think I wanted feedback!) Young guy's reaction should have raised a red flag. He was from Mexico, so maybe that made a difference, but I'll never forget him shaking his head disapprovingly and saying "If that is my girlfriend, I pick her up at the airport!" I wasn't in a FWB thing and didn't feel "in love" with this man at that time, even though we married a couple years later, so it was easy to dismiss that young guy's message.

I allowed things like that to happen, especially during my dating years, because the alternative always seemed to be "dump this guy, start over, keep waiting for your Prince - who may be out there, but so far, he hasn't made it here!"

The things we do for love.....

Yes, oldmewasmurdered. Every people pleaser can relate to your words. I have made all the same realizations. I had the same childhood. You are right about it all. A couple things though...

You said about your thinking when you were young:

I will do what they want to please them, and in return I get my breadcrumb. It was my only source of emotional sustenance.

So I ask, what are other ways you can get sustenance now that you are older and wiser? If not by pleasing others, what will you do?

You also say:

It's up to me to find someone who can see me for who I am, and reciprocate love and kindness back.

This is true, yes. But in my mind, I think you missed a step. Why are you chasing love? What if you just stopped, for now, and did not look for love? Then what? What if you just worked on building up the 'real you' that you would like them to love?

The steps that (finally) worked for me were:
1. Stopped people pleasing
2. Started pleasing myself. Did only what felt good to me.
3. Realized how satisfying and enjoying it was to take care of myself by myself (no outside love required)
4. Enjoyed this time spent on me. Vowed to keep it up forever
5. And then I realized, oddly, that more attention and affection were bestowed on me, I guess because people could sense that I was safe and not needy. They were attracted to the real, confident me

When I didn't really care much if they were interested or not, then they were interested. Laws of attraction, I guess.

I think your focus should be on doing what you want to do assuming you will get nothing in return, not even a thank you. If you still feel good doing that thing for someone, then do it. If it feels unnecessary, skip it. Period. Then spend more time taking care of you--journaling, meditation, yoga, walks, friends, pets, hobbies. Whatever fills you up and gives you energy and positive vibes. And then, just be that guy and enjoy that single life. Your positive vibes will send the right people to you. And you'll be done people pleasing so can ditch the users--and there will be LOTS of users! You have to be ready to say, "Not interested" and stay alone, because users are looking for generous, needy "just want love" people to lovebomb and use. And when we are desperate, we ignore the red flags! You have to love yourself more than you love being in a couple to find the right person.

Have you read Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson? It's a great read with great expercises, especially for people like us.

I missed Superesse's post, but Yes to all of it!

The things we do for love.....

Or is it "The things we do to BE loved"? Or at least, in a relationship so we believe we are loved. Sigh.

It is only when we don't need a relationship that we find the healthiest relationships. I guess because we are the most honest with ourselves???

We say here, "You have to be willing to lose the relationship to save it," and I think it's akin to my dating theory, "You have to be willing to keep being single to find the right person."

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:10 PM, Thursday, June 29th]

Yes I can relate to this! I’m 10 years out so I rarely think about it anymore. But the first 2-3 years were brutal. I knew that I did not deserve what he did to me and our family. WH begged me not to file for D, but I was done.

I got through it by running/working out, and putting everything into my kids, work and new friends. I joined a D support group and met people who understood. I also felt good that I didn’t settle for a life with someone who disrespected me and ruined our marriage.

I took my time dating. But I’ve been with a wonderful man for over 3 years. Life is good. Keep pushing through.
Remember "Living well is the best revenge." Wishing you the best.