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It is a common theme here on SI that a spouse that has experienced sexual betrayal must put themselves 1st as they untangle and weave their way through the painful process of healing. I’ll be honest and say that I struggle with this notion. The fact that I do resist it does not, in my mind, invalidate this belief, but I still deeply wrestle with it. I am not making the claim that putting oneself 1st is wrong; I am saying, with humility, that I am mixed in my thoughts about this often-suggested process.

For six months I have sat quietly pondering the validity of putting myself 1st and trying to factor the pros and cons if I had done so. However, there is one powerful thought that keeps oozing through the fissures of my fractured consciousness – wasn’t that exactly what my wife did?

Didn’t she selfishly put herself as number one in our marriage. And didn’t this newfound status facilitate in paving an uninhibited highway into the arms of infidelity with concrete blinders that block her vision of right and wrong? Wasn’t she seeing herself as her number one a major factor in aiding in her tunnel vision as to the consequences and then that gave her permission to cheat?

I can’t help but ask myself that while early in the reconciliation process did I not demand that my wife put me and my healing as her number 1 priority? And if I am expecting her to comply, is that request reasonable if, at the same time, I am now am going to put myself and my needs as number 1 in my life?

Or is this a necessary but temporary state of the relationship and as the healing process finds success one reevaluates and at some future point, places their partner back into a number one status?

Or possibly, is the end goal to come to an understanding that there needs to be fluidity as to who and when one considers themselves or their partner to be 1st dependent on evolving situations and momentary needs?

Or maybe, the healthy thing for both partners to do is to put themselves, from here on out, as their own number one? In doing so, does this create a more equivalent, balanced relationship?

Truly, I am struggling with that idea. It goes against everything I promised when, with my knees trembling in expectation and tears of joy in the corner of my eyes, I swore a sacred vow before God and my bride of a lifetime of commitment. Wasn’t I saying I’d sacrifice my life for her? That I would set aside all temptations for her? That she, after God, was and would forevermore be my 1st priority?

I understand that if one decides to separate/divorce (Which they have every right to.) then putting oneself 1st in the equation is probably necessary. However, if one chooses to reconcile how does looking out for #1 assist in reconciliation?

I am confident that if I received this information, as I interpreted it, in the 1st few months after D-day, and decided to follow it, I would not have stayed and fought the good fight. And if I had followed this new view of me as number one, I would have missed out on my wife’s remarkable transformation. (And mine as well.)

I believe one of the things that helped my wife with her healing was that she saw in me, that despite her terrible decision to cheat, handing me the keys to the exit, I not only stayed, I did not remove her from her rightful place as my number one priority. I believe the fact that I still valued her, even after her infidelity, above all other things, helped her in rebuilding the self-worth she had needlessly smashed a recking ball to when she decided it was her place to see herself as number one in her life.

I am confident that I am missing something important on this subject because I have come to understand that collective wisdom here is undeniable. Plus, I did not come here to impart wisdom, I came to SI seeking it! Clearly, I was/am lacking in this department.

Looking back over my time here, I realize that there were other ideas spoken here, that upon my 1st arrival, I firmly thought, "nope, no way am I going to accept that’! only to unlock my stubbornness and recognize and apply the wisdom being offered.

So, I am honestly asking; why is it mandatory to put oneself 1st to bring about healing to oneself? I ask because I have not found this to be the case, at least for me.

Or is it just a way of many ways to find healing?

Asterisk

When I was trying to reconcile with my exwife, the story of the Prodigal Son was very front of mind. It guided my attitude and approach, it was even my signature here for a long time. It has now become something decidedly more secular.

I am confident that if I received this information, as I interpreted it, in the 1st few months after D-day, and decided to follow it, I would not have stayed and fought the good fight. And if I had followed this new view of me as number one, I would have missed out on my wife’s remarkable transformation. (And mine as well.)

This is what I wanted, that my kindness and forgiveness would seed love and awareness in her. I’m glad it worked for you, my pearls were thrown to swine. And when I dared to open my heart to my betrayer and she used that opportunity to further degrade me, it was unbelievably painful. So for me, with the way she was responding, trying to keep her in a position of trust and consideration was like trying to run a marathon on a freshly broken leg. I needed to recover from the trauma of d-day. I needed to give myself permission to not try to hold everything together. Now maybe if my ex had responded well to my grace, then that virtuous cycle could have been a benefit to my healing, a joy and hope rather than a drain. Maybe the collective wisdom here comes from the observation that few betrayers come to their senses and appreciate grace quickly enough to be a balm to their victims.

And I guess to your point of "isn’t that what she did?", it seems quite different for a victim of a stabbing to "selfishly" choose to rest enough to heal as opposed to the mugger who selfishly attacked them.

Putting yourself first doesn't have to be at the expense of others. In this context, it's about knowing your worth, focusing on your healing regardless of what your partner does, and setting strong boundaries.

I think of it this way. I can't take care of anyone or anything else well if I don't take care of myself first, like the directive on a plane to put on your oxygen mask before putting one on someone else.

My H, who was the cheater, always put everyone else first. After enough time, he resented it (altho I never asked him to do that). Those resentments and being unable to take care of himself are what led to him cheating. He is codependent. His entire being was caught up in others. He didn't know how to be his own person. It's really quite sad to see someone who lives like that.

I do think it's meant to be temporary, because the infidelity creates a power imbalance. The WS has taken agency away from the BS, and the needs to be addressed as part of reconciliation. Both people need to prioritize the BS's needs for a while, and if that doesn't happen, then R is more likely to fail.

That was certainly a big part of why it failed for me. I was so concerned about my child and extended family's feelings that I allowed myself to remain in pain. Meanwhile, my WS/stbx was so wrapped up in guilt and shame that he couldn't center my needs at all, and I was trying to hard to R that I let him have his way with the process.

I have always tried to be unselfish and to put my loved ones ahead of myself, but I'm realizing that doing so doesn't always serve the best interests of those very people because my pain has ripple effects on them. Either they suffer by seeing me in pain, or I've built my walls so high they can't see who I really am.

Part of putting yourself first is allowing yourself to be authentic. It's become a trope in modern conversation, but I think there's some wisdom to it. The more we repress ourselves or try to deny our needs, the more likely there are to be negative consequences down the line.

But that doesn't mean we should be this way all the time either. There are appropriate circumstances for sacrificing ourselves for others, like if our spouse is ill, or if we're trying to create an opportunity for our children. Infidelity creates a situation where the WS should be making the sacrifices to balance the selfishness of their betrayal. I think the ones who can manage to this (especially right away) are the most likely to succeed in R.

There is a conflict within you that's finally becoming clear. You love your wife and resent yourself for it. There's a part of you that loves your wife, your marriage and the life you've built together, which is at war with the part that hates what she did to you, what she has forced you to accept about yourself, and your struggles to find your own peace.

She is the asterisk in your life.

Brother, I believe we are always our first priority in life. We are each responsible for our own happiness and well-being. Only when we are at peace with ourselves can we be at peace with the rest of the world.