SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She's making a scrapbook for the baby "detailing his "father's" non-interest"? So, she's planning to hurt her child for what reason? This woman doesn't deserve to have a child if she would do something like that!

I am so glad that we don't have to have any contact with the xOW! I know that she would be constantly sticking herself into our lives. I can imagine that she would call for every little thing, even if the OC had gas.

If your H is planning to financially support the OC, if it's his, but not have any other type of contact I don't blame him. It's coming across like the OW thinks she and the OC are a package deal.

I'm not in this situation myself but it amazes me the reaction some of these OW's have. In reading the "other board" today, I saw that many of them where badmouthing BS' who choose to protect their assets from the OW and OC. I know that if the situation were reversed, they would be trying to protect their assets too. But because they are having the OC, they feel entitled to everything the children of the marriage have. To me, the only thing that is required by law is child support.

Let her have her little scrap book, but one day that kid is going to ask why she had a kid with a married man who had children already. Did she really believe that he would leave his children just because she decided to have his child? She must remember that it takes two to make a kid, but it was ultimately her decision to keep the OC.

Thank you H&H and Scorpio1. I've had such negative reaction in the JFO board re H (and me) not wanting any contact w/ OW and OC. If it is his, we will do what the law requires but that doesn't mean we have to have a relationship with either of them. Some folks have "yelled" at me b/c of this and I've felt terrible. Truth is I don't see the child as innocent simply b/c it's a child. Everyone here is a victim, child included. (FYI - to clarify, we don't have kids yet but are hoping to get prego in the next few months)

Thanks for the kinds words,

BW

BW,

It really gets me angry when someone who hasn't been through this personally starts lecturing the BS on what the WS should or shouldn't do about the OC. It's a lot easier to give "advice" when they haven't been through it personally.

I remember feeling like a horrible person because I wished the OW would die in childbirth or that she would have a miscarriage. This was before I knew for sure what PA's paternity laws were. It was a natural reaction and I refuse to feel guilty because of those thoughts/wishes.

I had a friend tell me that the OC was an innocent victim and didn't ask to be born. We know that intellectually, but emotionally is another thing. It really ticked me off at my friend. I was a victim too. I didn't ask my DH to go out and get an OW pregnant. He had NO RIGHT to be with anyone else besides me. The OC should not have been.

I admire any BS who can accept the OC into her life. If it would've just been the OC I wouldn't have had a problem, but I know what kind of games the xOW would've played and there is no reason I should have had to put up with that. Thank God I don't.

H&H,

THANK YOU! Finally someone "gets it"!

- BW

BW, I've had people tell me that my DH should do the "right" thing and be a father to this possible OC. I've been told that he's a terrible person for not stepping up to the plate. And these were people who KNEW that the xOW is married and they know the laws of this state.

IF she had a child and IF it is my DH's he has NO rights to that child, even if he wanted them. In the eyes of the law it's her H's child. Und das ist das.

h&h

i agree with betrayedwife. thank you very much for your words, advice and support.

there was a very difficult thread on JFO a while back where betrayed was getting a slamming and also those of us whose WH had decided to go NC.

i no not what my opinion would have been if someone had come to me with this issue before this happened to me. but if i have learned nothing else from this horrific situation i have learned to reserve judgement because you just don't know how you will handle a situation until it happens to you.

i too have had similar thoughts about bad things happening to the OW and OC. i can't help it, i want it all to go away. i know it won't but i am allowed to think whatever i want in my head, that's how i see it.

my WH is working very hard to R and doing all the things asked of him and more. but this doesn't change the fact that i have the knowledge that some OW (and i am only being polite as i'm on here, i usually have other names for her) may be having my WH child. i don't have the definite proof that it is his, and may never, but i actually believe that it is his. the timing fits with what i saw and i am trying to prepare myself mentally (if that's possible)

what woman does this to another woman????? where is her basic respect for other human beings?

i struggle with these thoughts.

(lurking)

Hi everyone. I do not have an OC, but I lurk here from time to time. I am so sorry that you got slammed on JFO BW. You don't deserve that. Some people really need to put themselves in your shoes, and think about what they would do. No one really knows until they are faced with that kind of situation.

Cat,

My thoughts and hugs go out to you. Those of us in this situation are the only ones who really know the hell it is. The majority of folks are quick to paint us as cold or unfeeling b/c OC is involved. In my situation not only the OW possibly having my H's child (a boy) but she is using that OC as a pawn to get H to reestablish contact. How low can one go?

What makes me literally sick to my stomach every time I think of it is the fact that this woman has intimate knowledge of my H. She's STOLEN from me the right and privledge of having his first child and his first son. For that I will never forgive her. SHE KNEW ME! We were introduced at a restaurant we used to frequent (now off limits). She knew exactly what she was doing and it's unpardonable IMO.

As for my H I have no choice but to forgive him if I want R and M to work. However that doesn't mean I will ever FORGET! I have told him, in non-negotiable terms that if this is his OC, than it is biologically only. I do not consider, in my heart, this to be his child b/c it was not conceived with love but rather with deceit. My H's children will ONLY be those I give him. No if, ands or buts.

I too have fantasies of horrible things happing to the OW in our situation. I know this sounds despicable but I don't want her to carry this baby to term. I just want it all to go away. I want her to lose her job. I want her embarassed in front of her coworkers for her slutty behavior. I want her family to shun her for being so dishonorable. I want her excommunicated from the church.

In the end it doesn't matter what I want. She'll probably go on her merry way and ruin other lives with no remorse or regret.

I only pray that some day fate catches up with her or the karma bus runs her ugly ass over.

I'm done venting and feel so much better. A big hug (can you feel me squeezing?) to all of us on this thread dealing with the ultimate betrayal.

xo,

BW

PS - Real Me -- your support is appreciated more than you can imagine! xo to you too!

No one knows the pain that an OC causes. I too have wished very bad things on OW and OC. The child should never have been born and to have the OC in your life would be a CONSTANT reminder FOREVER. I can't think of anything that would put a strain on any chance for R.

My X insists on being a "daddy" to OC and we are not R. I wanted to try, but I just can't have that child in my life forever.

I don't know about the motivations of other OW's who chose to get pregnant with a MM, but I know what motivated my DH's xOW.

She was hoping that if she gave my DH a son he would leave me and he, she, and the OC could be one happy family. Nevermind that my DH has a son - with ME! Well, no one ever accused her of being a brain surgeon.

When I told my DH that was what she was hoping he didn't believe me. I don't know if he does now. We don't talk about her. She's a distant, unimportant memory to him. With all the little tricks that she pulled and the stuff that she told him about her marriage there is NO DOUBT in my mind that she wanted to be a Happy Homewrecker.

Hell, that wench called here last year, right before Christmas and my DH hasn't seen nor talked to her since July, 2001! And he doesn't think that she was in love with him, that it was just sex? Give me a fucking break!

I was thinking. As hard as it is for women to deal with an OC, can you imagine what it's like for a BH? If they choose to stay in the marriage it must be really hard for them to have to deal with an OC who is living under their roof.

I have been watching these boards for some time and never replied. I guess i don't really understand whats going on in my relationship right now.

I found out about 6 month ago that my H had an A and OC with the OW 2 years ago. It gets worse I need to share the whole story.

I was diagnosed with infertility problems years ago. We tried for a child the first two years of marriage and then off and on for years. Finally a doctor told me inorder to have children i would need IVF (IN-Vitro), because my tubes were blocked. Last year we decided after 14 yrs to give it a try. I got pregnant on the first try with twins. My H was so upset, he couldn't believe I was going to have both babies why not just one. That wasn't even an option in my eyes. so I continued the pregnancy with the twins (girls). I had no difficulty with the pregnancy in the first trimester other than supporting my husband who had lost his job, get this due to STRESS. My H just wasn't acting himself and couldn't count on him for any thing. During the second trimester of my pregnancy I was put on bedrest in the hospital. It was awful my husband had found another job and was working all the time hardly came to see me at all. Not daily, as I felt he should have been there. Make A long story short I lost one of the twins at 22weeks gestation. My H was not there and could not be reached the night I lost the baby, I went through the deliver on my own with my parents support. He showed up the next day crying and all but i didn't want to here it. I was able to leave the hosptial a week later and was on bedrest at home for 3 weeks and then I went into labor again. I delivered our little girl 1lb 3 oz, who is doing very well with no complications, that God! She is Home now and weighs 11lbs.

Two weeks after I delivered my little girl my H called me crying while I was at the hospital visiting her in the NICU to tell me he had an A with the OW and 2 year child from the A. I was in shock and could no longer function anymore. I left the hospital, drove home and PUT H OUT. Everything he owned went out the door. He now lives with his mother.

H said he couldn't handle the guilt anymore and he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me and didn't want his marriage to be over. We are still not back together. H wants to be a part of the OC's life. He has seen the OC on numerous occassion. Included X-mas, his mother wanted to see the little girl, so the whore took the child over to his mother on X-mas for the family to see her. My MIL called me and asked me if I would be mad if she did that, I told her "what do you think". She said i just want to see her thats all. I was furious and still am.

I don't know what to do I went through so much last year. I don't want to have bad year. The OW claims she wants nothing from my H. She has him thinking she just couldn't abort the child. I told him to stop being so stupid. She will want something sooner or later. He saids the A did not last long, the OW now has someone in her life. I don't care, i don't know what to believe. She want respond to my calls and wants to forget everything that happened.

I love him but I want to D him as well for everything he put me through. Because if you really love someone you don't put them through all of this crap and pain. I really want revenge.

But I have a daughter now after all these years and this is not what I had expected for my life. Need advice. I don't know how strong I can keep being.

Have the two of you gone to MC? I think that would be something the two of you should do before you make any decisions on what you want to do about your marriage. I can certainly understand your anger and your resentment. He wasn't there when you needed him the most, when you lost one of your babies. And it was a selfish thing to do, telling you when he did! His focus shouldn't have been on himself during that time, it should've been on the health of his preemie daughter.

Give yourself some time to sort through all that you are feeling. In the meantime, if you haven't done so, talk to an attorney to set up a CS order for your daughter. If the OW hasn't taken him to court yet for CS you want to make sure that your child is taken care of first.

sapphire

my heart goes out to you.

i can't imagine how i would feel if my WH disclosed this to me 2 YEARS after the fact!!

and to act the way he did when you were going through such torment, shameful behaviour!!

having said that, you need to give yourself time. one of the best pieces of advice i got after finding out about the A and OC was "don't rush into any decisions". if i had, my marriage would have been over for sure. my DDay was sept./05 and we have been working very hard at R ever since. it's not easy and there are definitely good days and bad days but.... i am glad i waited. that's not to say we are out of the woods yet, but i felt i owed it to my dtr. and myself to explore how things would go.

we are in MC and this has been a godsend. i can tell you for sure, without MC, we would DEFINITELY have been finished.

take your time, rest, eat, love your dtr. and yourself.

be careful who you tell, this has caused me some problems, people can be very judgemental, esp. when there is an OC involved.

post here, and read what you are able to here. it has helped me immensley.

don't let your H pressure you into any decisons, you have all the time in the world.

if you want to involvement with OC and he does, that presents a big problem. look after yourself and your dtr. first. she is the child of the marriage.

sorry, re: last statement, i meant "no involvement with OC"

I am going to suggest MC this weekend to H. If he refuses then I am going to go ahead and file for D. Because that will means that H is not willing to work this out together.

He doesn't have a steady job right now, only odd carpentry work for now. H says he can't concentrate on us until he can bring more to the table. His words or," I need to get myself together first before I work on our relationship". I think thats a bunch of crap. Its call avoiding responsibility.

I did talk to several attorneys yesterday about a legal separation or D. They all gave me good advice, especially about the CS of my daughter. If you file for Legal separation and things doesn't work out, do you have to pay the same money over again for D?

If you file for Legal separation and things don't work out, do you have to pay the same money over again for D?

In my state whatever is in the legal separation stays the same if you ultimately divorce. While I'd never attempt doing a divorce without an atty it may not cost as much if there isn't anything that can be faught i.e. the existing separation order.

Whether your spouse is gainfully employed or not you still need to get a CS order into place. You never know what will happen down the road. He could at some point have a well paying job and you want YOUR child to benefit the most from it, not the oc.

I'm sorry you find yourself having to deal with an oc. It's a lonely place to be as only those who have lived it can understand your feelings. Don't try to make sense of it. I've lain awake at night in my bed crying out WHY numerous times only to come to one conclusion. The only reason a woman that is pregnant by another woman's husband gives birth to and keeps that child is pure selfishness.

Me

I cannot help but KNOW that most of these women do this on purpose. They know they are with a MM and go and get preggo on purpose. I mean why in the world would someone set a child up to come into our world like this ON PURPOSE?

I cannot fathom how you all do it, I couldn't, no way.

[This message edited by Sodown at 8:53 PM, January 13th (Friday)]

In my case there is NO DOUBT in my mind that the xOW thought that if she got pregnant by my DH that he would leave me for her. This woman, and I use that word loosely, told my DH that she didn't love her H, that she had married him because she "was lonely."

The time table for everything makes me very suspicious. I wonder if she even had a baby. There was never anything in the paper, and I was watching the birth announcements every day from September until the end of November (she said that she was due in October, although she never told him an exact date.)