SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi to all,My time in the OC club was short lived. I found out OW was pregnant with my ex's twins whilst I was in the R process with him. He had been stringing us both along all the time. On discovering that we were R she then terminated the pregnancy and of course the R went nowhere either. I still have nightmares about this.

My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with these situations over which you have so little control. Big hugs to all and thanks for sharing your stories so candidly.

I posted this in General but I have a question also.

I posted: We are not R but still in contact because of the house. Anyway, we have no children together because I had my tubes tied years before I met him.

Well the OC thing was thrown in my face tonight. It hurt so bad. At one time, when we were together, I had actually considered having my tubal reversed because he had no children. Thank God I didn't but it still hurts that the Gutter Tramp gave him the child I once considered paying $3000 and having surgery to give him. At the time, I didn't know it but we were talking about this option AFTER OC was born.

I can't believe he allowed me to consider this knowing he had a child with that whore. And he has the nerve to throw that child in my face tonight! He says he didn't mean to but I don't believe him.

Now, here it is, 2 AM, I have to get up at 6 and I can't sleep.

My question: For those of you who are trying to R when your H wants to be in OC life, how are you handling it all? What are some of the conditions you have set? I just don't think I could ever deal with this child in my life. He has made it clear that he will see OC as much as possible. At this point, it is multiple times a week. OW loves this because she also gets to see him. She has also told him that she doesn't want me anywhere near OC. I just don't think I could deal with it.

Dear cryingdaily-

My H does not want contact, and one of the deciding factors in that is my wishes that he not. My H has said that his wife and family come first, and that must be his priority. I am grateful that he is remorseful and trying to make up for his mistakes.

If he did want contact, I don't think I could stay. It is not the contact with the OC, it is the contact with the OW-I don't think I could handle it, regardless of my H's feelings towards her. Early on when they still had some limited contact, I flipped out everytime it happened. We have NC now-it is the only way I could see a R happening.

You'll get through this...hugs.

cryingdaily,

Does he want to R? Do you? I know there are BS's who have successfully rebuilt their marriages where there is contact with the OC. I have to say that I admire those women because I don't think I would've been able to do that. Like twokidsmommy said, not because of the OC but because of the OW. She's such a manipulative Drama Queen that I know she would've been calling all the time for some kind of "emergency." I don't think our marriage could've handled that kind of stress, plus my DH is such a conflict avoider that a lot of things would've fallen on me. There would've been a hell of a lot of anger and resentment on my part.

If he had had contact with the possible OC, I would've made it clear that I be with him when he picked up and returned the OC. It doesn't matter if the OW wants you to have contact with the OC or not. She knew he was married when she got pregnant. She had no business being with a MM, much less getting pregnant by him. No court is going to honor her demand that her MM's wife not be allowed to be around the OC.

Only you can decide what you can or can't handle. If you don't think you can handle being around the OC or if you don't want to be a part of the OC's life that is a decision that only YOU can make. Not one of us bargained for our H's fathering a child with an OW while married to us. It doesn't make us cold, unfeeling women to say that we don't want to deal with it. If you don't want the OC in your life and your H does, then it's going to be darn near impossible for the two of you to be together.

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Hows everyone doing? I hope everyone is okay. Just though I'd keep us bumped up.

Does the hurt/pain get any easier once the OC is born. The thought of the OW pregnant with my H child is devestating beyond words. It's like she stole something that never should have been hers. Our lives will forever be turned upside down. Right now there is NC and we both want it that way but we're not sure what OW is going to want once the OC is born. I wish she could understand the pain she is putting our family through. I know my H is to blame too. But the decisions have been all hers.

She can go after your H for child support, but she can't force him to have contact with the OC if he doesn't want to have any visitation. When it comes to contact with the OC it doesn't matter what she wants.

This thought has been running through my head the past day or so--my H wants NC, but the OW wants CS-probably knowing she can take the $$ and run. What if my H wanted visitation/joint custody? W/O contact with the OW, just the OC? Would the OW be so pushy about getting money out of us? Remember this woman makes $80K plus a year...would like some thoughts from you all...

Thanks!

hurtntoomuch--we are only 6 wks from the OC being born. In some ways it is easier, because we know, but still waiting to see what happens with CS/etc. Will write more later...

hugs

Hurtn - she DID steal something! She stole your right to bear your H's children. In my case she stole the right to have his first child and his first son. She is evil and I hope the karma bus runs her ugly face over and over and over. She had no right to take what was reserved for you, the spouse. She is a cheat, liar and thief, don't doubt it.

I can only tell you this - prepare for the worst and possibly you will be pleasantly surprised. I'm sure, in our case, it will get much worse and very nasty after the OC is born and she's recovered b/c then she can make my H "pay". We're ready though. We have a lawyer who's never lost a custody/paternity case in 20+ years of practice. If she gets nasty we will countersue for full physical custody (it will put her over the edge). She will eventually find out that it's NOT all about her...

Healed - your 110% right. She can't make him have contact with her...

2kids - nothing says your H has to have contact. I have a friend who used to exchange her kids w/ her XH at the police station. That said, I'm sure the OW in our lives view US as the enemy w/ respect to "their" children. Ironic huh?

Hugs to all of us...

BW

I was PMed about this thread from cat33(Thank you!) and hope that I can offer any help and support possible. I haven't posted on this board (or any for that matter for a long time), for more reasons than one.

My time is limited as my H doesn't really like the fact that I spend time on the computer when he is home, and during the day I am juggling the scheduals and demands of 4 small children.

I could identify a bit with each and everyone of you here, and my heart goes out to those whose situations are more difficult b/c of an unremorseful spouse, OW, or any of the other pressures.

I wanted to write something to each and every one of you here, but it will have to wait until next week when I have a night to do it.

I am 6 years into this. We have successfully reconcilled. We have no contact with the child, never have, my H decision. Until last year we paid child support, but since last March the child was adopted by the OW and her recent husband.

Rather than go into the whole story right now, (and I will if you all want to hear it!), my time is limited today. I just wanted to let you all know that I have reconciled, that it is possible, and want to offer my support if anyone wants it.

God Bless to all. If the baby naps today I will write more.

As I've said before I don't know if the xOW was really pregnant, although why would someone say they were if they weren't? But there are things that make me suspicious. Let me know what you gals think.

My DH got hurt at work the 25th of February, so he was in too much pain for sex. She told him that she was pregnant after he got hurt. Keep in mind that the PA had been going on for about a year and a half.

She told him that she was due in October, but she never gave him an exact date. When I was pregnant with my son my doctor gave me a due date the first time I saw him.

My DH had told her that if it was a girl he didn't want anything to do with the OC. (There's a reason my DH feels that way. It's not as cold as it sounds.) A week or two after he told her that she tells him that the doctor told her that it was a boy. This was before I found out. On D-Day she would've been maybe four months pregnant. She didn't showed him anything from the doctor confirming what she said.

There was never anything in our local paper about her having a baby, and I looked at the birth announcements every day from September until the end of November.

Everything just seems too convenient. And she definitely used this alleged pregnancy to manipulate and to stay in contact with my DH.

Even though my D-Day was 4 1/2 years ago, from time to time this does bother me, not knowing if she did have a child and if it is my DH's. Knowing isn't going to change where I am in my healing nor my marriage, but it's like this huge unanswered question. Understand what I mean?

sorting thru-thank you for coming back-yes, we could use your support and advice. My H and I are in R, not all the way there yet, but see it happening. The OC is a month old, waiting for CS to start-court date recently pushed back to March. My H wants NC also.

Hugs...and thank you.

to all of you Kudo's! Really I don't see how you do it, To have this place is great for this very reason. Who can you talk to about such a thing and not be judged.? On one hand if you except the OC and decide to R, you are put down by some and on the other hand if you velemently hate the OW and OC some want to put you down for that too! I can totally see the ones here who hate the thought of oc and ow both! Many times I have counted up the monies that may have been paid to OW and OC,OC's if my H told me the truth that horrible night back in 96 and it drives me insane to think it is well into the ten of thousands that have been paid. I think if he has done this , how much I have missed by it. No new car ever if my life, no fine jewelry that I should have gotton from him, no nice house out in the burbs, no spending money that I can go blow whenever I please, Things over the yrs my own children couldn't have because of his mistakes, and most of all NO FCKIN piece of mind!

Well anyways, this does go through my mind because although I don't "know any of it for sure", it hasn't looked good with the disappearing money over the yrs either, and the secrecy about his accounts either and me not knowing exactly where OUR money is going wk to wk. Just the thought sickens me and it does cross my mind at least one time a day.

For the ones here that don't wish their H's to see the oc , i think you have every right in the world to say such. Why should you have to suffer for the mistakes of two extremly selfish people who made one helluva misjudgement! And who the hell does the ow thinks she is after doing such to say she doesn't want the wife involved at all in the child's life! She should have thought of that before pulling her panties off and getting involved in a familys life!

Stay strong, you guys are great and inspirational to read.

Here's an idea for those of you trying to find if OW is really pregnant, due date, etc. I took a chance and checked on babiesrus.com. Sure enough OW was registered. I found out her due date and the sex of the OC based on the items she had chosen. She doesn't deserve a baby shower if you ask me. She should be ashamed of herself.

that is warped-I agree with you completely!! Let's honor the crazy b****!

hurtin what a good idea!

I wish I had known about that before, although I don't think shit for brains knows how to use a computer - if she even has one. And IF she had a kid it would be about 4 1/2 years old. You would think in an area this small I'd have found out by now.

Hello Ladies.

Well it justs keeps getter better and better doesn't it (sarcasm). My H bought over a picture of the OC yesterday, remember she is 2 yrs old. But I just recently found this out 6 months ago. Unbelievable, this OC is almost identical to my child who is now 6 months old. I was so devastated, I was actually at a loss for words.

I gave him back the picture and started crying. He looked up at me and said now do you see why I want to be a part of her life.

I picked up my daughter walked into our bedroom as he followed, I turned around and asked him to leave. As he was walking out the door he said we have to figure this out, I lost my pride and dignity, I don't want to lose you two.

What the HEll does he want from me? We're trying to R but it is so hard. I can't believe the OW's child looks so close to mine? Now that I have seen the picture, I feel guilty about not wanting him to have NC.

This is no cake walk!!!!

Oh ((saphire)) That would prob make me sick to my stomach.

I am so happy the pics of OC that I saw do not even resemble anyone in my family or my H.

I would be physically sick if the OC looked like my children much less anyone in the family circle.