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Hi all. I wonder if the OW REALLY realize what they've gotten themselves in for by choosing to keep the OC? No more stops at the bar after work? Gotta get home to the OC or pick the tyke up from day care. Day care costs will cut into your shopping! And what man is going to want a 40-something single mother? I'm sure that any single men are NOT going to want to raise someone else's kid.

For anyone reading this who's not sure what to do...TALK TO A LAWYER IMMEDIATELY! Our lawyer truly gave us piece of mind (for now) by telling us legally what the OW can and cannot do. Basically she can claim anything she wants but under the law here, SHE has to SUE my H for paternity. H is under NO obligation to voluntarily take a paternity test or pay $$. If she decides to sue for paternity and CS, we are tempted to counter sue for full physical custody (not that I want the kid) but it would send her over the edge. I would LOVE to pull the rug out from under her. Ah...dreams...

Good point betrayed I am sure no OW wants the wife in the OC life at all But guess what the ow choose thier childs stepmom by attempting to have a child with the MM. Then they cry that they do not want the wife involved in the child's life.

Mentally challenged immoral OW didnt you think about that when the MM concieved the child while still part of a team the husband and wife team? Yeah the end results are normally that the OW and MM do not remain together. The oc normally has many other people in it's life that the OW would like to regulate but she cant.

I honestly do not know what I would do if I had a child with a practical stranger and he took him around another woman that I intentionally set out to harm and ruin her and her children's lives. I would think about all that before i decided to proceed with any illegit pregnancy.

Hi All. I feel like contacting the OW so bad, just to tell her I feel. I want to hear it from her why she allowed this happen and what the hell does she expect now that it has.

My H saids OW and he hates they got involved and knows it was a mistake. That whole statement makes me Ill. I'm still having a very hard time with the fact that my H is in Contact with OW monthly. Remember he wants to be apart of the child's life.

H made a comment on Sunday saying we should work this out like Adults. I guess that means i'm acting like the a kid, because I hate the OW and OC.

Does anyone feel like alot is being asked of us to accept this situation and carry on with our lives? I feel like the OC is being forced on me. Basically if I want my M to work I have to accept this and learn how to deal with it. I don't its fair.

How do you get your H to not want to be apart of the OC life? If you choose to R, is it really right for me to not allow H to interact with OC?

It IS a lot to be asked to accept this situation! My H's OC is not born yet, but he also wants to be a part of this child's life. He sees how hard it is for me to accept both OC and the knowledge that there will always be some sort of contact with OW until the child is much older. My H is also in contact with OW about once a month, over "updates" on the pregnancy.

No solutions, just wanted to let you know you're not alone, there are no absolute answers for any of us, and we all just muddle along with the help of our friends!

We have chosen R for now--and it's going well. But there are still so many issues to work out after OC is born. I feel that if H wants contact with the child, it's not my right to "forbid" or "allow" this. But I do have to right to dictate parameters about the kind of contact with OW that goes along with it.

Just my thoughts, today anyway. But lots of hugs and support for you. We do have never-ending sagas, don't we?

sapphire I do not think anyone can make the H not want to be part of OC life... I think they have to figure that one out for themselves. I know that most ow make it very difficult for the bio dad to be part of the OC with out any attention going to the OW so most men choose not to have contact due to that fact. I am sure if there were a third party that mm and oc could correspond through and no way ow could have a say, that more men would keep in touch with the OC.

I know once the drama starts from the Ow when contact is attempted that the MM will prob not see the child as much till he just stops seeing the oc all together, and that is the ow fault.

I would put the reasonable rules of contact that you can live with out there for your husband to convey to OW or mediator and once the OW starts to break them or disagree your H will soon see the real OW and how it really wont work.

I truely expected to hear that my H wanted to have contact but no , He said forget it, first he did not believe it was his child then when he figured out it was it did not matter. He said he asked her to abort SHE choose not to so then she can choose to be a single parent because he wont be forced to be a father to a child that should not have ever been born. I really did not care what his reasonings were exept to know whether there was going to be contact or not.

I cant force my H to have contact, I suggested that he did try to take custody(woman is unstable) but he refused he said that the OC was a slap in our childrens face and the ultimate betrayal to them ... let me tell you that really threw me. But I figure by the time I found out he had already made up his mind. The only reason at that point he was having contact with OW was to make sure she never told me, once she did He dropped her communicating with him like a ton of bricks. He told her since she likes to speak to me so much then she can just do all the communicating through me from now on. Boy that one sure backfired on the slut didnt it.

This is a bit long...but important information that I thought should be posted. My FWH and I are in the midst of CS negotations with the OW, and I don't intend to give her a dime more than absolutely necessary. Others on this thread made some great suggestions about filing for CS before the OW to protect our own kids, which I in turn took to our attny and pushed him to find other solutions. The quotes below come out of the Appellate Court in NY...

“when formulating an order of support for an out-of-wedlock child a vexing element is always present and must be confronted. As the distinguishing characteristic of the out-of-wedlock child's status is the absence of a legal relationship between the mother and the father, the court is called upon to fix child support in such amount as meets the child's needs while not raising the mother's standard of living, for to raise her standard of living

through the vehicle of child support would constitute the imposition of an unauthorized obligation on the part of the father toward the mother.”

“In arriving at an award of child support for Jennifer, Judge Kaplan considered those factors which were relevant to Jennifer's circumstances. He concluded that her needs and circumstances were the governing factors, and that she was not necessarily entitled to be supported in the same manner, and to the same extent as the respondent's marital children. We can find no error in that conclusion.

So, too, marital and nonmarital children of the same father may receive different dollar amounts of support due to their particular circumstances. The circumstances dictate the results, not the statutes, and there is a legitimate basis for the differing treatment. Equal protection of the law does not mandate absolute equality of treatment. It only requires that all persons in the same class be treated alike under like circumstances and conditions. Jennifer was entitled to receive support in accordance with her particular needs. She was not denied equal protection of the law merely because she did not automatically receive the same level of support as the respondent's other four children.”

“In a paternity proceeding between a custodial mother …and a world-famous entertainer, in which the amount of child support is in issue, it was not error to exclude the child's extracurricular and cultural 'needs' (i.e., piano, ballet, singing, and art lessons; summer camp, etc.), college expenses, and life insurance on respondent for the child's benefit, where petitioner neither requested those items nor offered any testimony as to their amounts or even their necessity; as far as college education is concerned, that can be provided for later, if and when the child expresses a desire to continue her education.”

So...if you don't have one...get a good attny. But even that is not good enough. Our attny is one of the best in NYC...but his story about what needs to be paid has changed completely since I have been pushing him. He first started with telling us that we will have to our share of 17% of 80K, plus add-on expenses such as child care, and that the OC is entitled to the same manner of living as my H's children through marriage. He is now agreeing with me that is not the case, and only the essential needs of the child should be considered, taking into account the OW's salary and manner of living, prior to having the child.

The fight will continue!! Thanks for listening and I hope this info is helpful for anyone out there. PM me if you would like.

NICE info 2kids if i pm ya can you give me the sources?

firstly, i want to thank all of you for posting here. i can't express to you enough how much it means to me.

i look forward to reading what everyone has to say on the subject and i gain strength from your "voices".

just by reading your postings i feel i know you a little and have "friends" that understand what i am going through, even tho' we have never met. this means the world to me.

phoebe - you are fantastic. i love reading what you have written, you say it like it is, no bullshit. keep it up.

my situation re: NC is like yours.

i love the "mentally challenged immoral women" statement

where do these people come from??!! were we not all raised to have some form of moral fibre, lowly that it might be in some instances?

i despise the woman who has done this to me and my family. what form of ingrate is she??!!

her (and my WH) actions have irrevocably changed me forever. God, i am in such a rage over this violation.

the day my WH told me the FC (that's what i call her take a guess at what it means) was pregnant (2 days after telling about the A)he told me that he would do anything that i wanted. the ball was in my court to decide how we would proceed. this was the marriage, the OW, contact, OC, my dtr. etc... everything was up to me.

while, through my haze, i realized the power i had i also realized the responsibility i had about my WH feelings and the OC.

for a couple of days i tried not to thing about what i wanted or what i was going to do, it was too hard. you all know. but i came to the conclusion, in my heart, i couldn't stay in this marriage if he wanted contact with the OC. call me weak or whatever, but i could not visualise myself, gracefully, allowing this OC into my home, into my life and into my dtr.'s life.

that was tough. that meant that when i told my WH this, i had to be ready to kick him out. even after the A, i really wasn;t sure that this is what i wanted or what was best for everyone involved.

i was getting my nerve up to tell him when he approached me to tell me he had made a decision. he had decided he didn't want to be a part of the OC's life. i was shocked. i really didn't think he would decide that. his own father abandoned him at 4 yrs. old and i know this has life long effects on him.

he said that it would be best for everyone, including the OC, if all ties were severed now rather than having continual problems or conflict in the future. a likely prospect considering the FC!!! (and me i suppose ha ha )

he stated that maybe one day when the OC was older he might come looking for him and then time will have passed and the situation can be explained. maybe, maybe not.

nonetheless, i was grateful that he made the decision and not me. i was worried that resentment may occur down the road if i stayed in the M.

i know this was a really difficult decision for him, and i love him for it. (i do hate his actions that have put us here tho')

so, i guess maybe i'm lucky in a way. there was immediate NC, and i can't find any evidence that it has been broken. i know there is always the chance that they are in contact and are being really clever about it. if this is the case, i'll eventually find out and have to kill him (just kidding, i think)

he is trying so hard. we are in MC at least every 2 weeks and it is really good. we would never have made it this far without it.

it isan't easy. we have both had to confront what got us here in the first place. we are both responsible for the state our marriage was in that led to the EA/PA. that has been hard for me to admit but it is true.

it is hard to change old habits that haven't worked, ways we have communicated, ways we have interpreted each other, ways we have shown each other our feelings. but it can be done, slowly but surely.

i hope we make it, i still don't know for sure. we have set backs regularly and i am having to force myself to react differently than i have in the past, i know he has as well.

the A and the OW/OC are in my head everyday. i wish i could exorcise them. i still have questions that pop up but i know so much already, i have to accept that i won't ever know everything and i have to weigh the importance of the question versus stirring it all up yet again. mostly i'm able to let the question go. they are really just minor details now.

the pain is still there albeit dulled, thank god!

i'd kill for a full night's sleep without sudden waking or dreams/nightmares.

i feel for you that have the OW involvement still. i could cry when i read some of the things that go on from the C's.

i have been getting the urge to confront her, i know where she lives and have numbers.

what is your opinion on this?

on one hand i want her to see and here me. (she has met me before)

on the other hand i realise, she could give a shit about me or my family or she wouldn't have done this. i believe she sees herself as the scorned woman by some of her actions. knowing this, i have to ask myself what satisfaction will i possibly get? will she be remorseful? will she apologise? probably not. to do that you have to have a conscience, you have to have a value base.

who knows what the future will bring. i'm not so convinced that she will not appear out of the blue. she is manipulative and calculating, anything can happen. i am absolutely convinced that she planned to get pregnant. what she didn't plan on was MY H asking her to abort, and then rejecting her.

anyway, keep posting, it is so important. we are not alone.

2kidsmom very good information, i copied that down.

Phoebe, thanks for your reply it was very needed. And I understand what you are saying.

I like reading others post and trying to hear what they are truly saying, its so helpful.

Welcome Cat33, it seems like you and H are making good progress.

cat33-WOW-are you in my head or what!!! Sounds like we are going through a very similar situation. You said everything well-I too struggle with wanting to ask the OW what the hell was she thinking??? My H cut off contact with her pretty soon after finding out about her being pregnant, but she continued to treat him like she was his wife and expect him to answer her calls immediately, then got pissy when he didn't. My H has been completely honest with me after a few bumps early on, and lets me know immediately when she tries to make contact-which has been almost a month now. She has been directed to speak only through the attnys. My H too doesn't want contact with the OC, and if it happens later, than we will deal with it. The kid can be a teenager, and then he can see the kid without OW involved.

I have told my H I would support him, but if he wanted contact now, I am not sure I could live with the pain and stress of having to deal with OC. My H understands and has considered that in his decision. We too go to MC, and IC-see the C 5 times a week total-its costing us a fortune, but the sanity is worth it. MC sucks because we hear and say things we don't want to, but once it is on the table, it feels like it dissipates and is no longer an issue. We are also starting Family Therapy for our two kids in the next few weeks-as part of what put us in the place we are is a very difficult, perfectionist daughter. We love her to death, but she is a handful and we need some help with her and for her.

Sorry for rambling, but boy is is nice to get this stuff out!!!

wow 2kids that much counseling? cha ching 4 the therapists LOL

I hope it helps

cat i do not see ur background about when dday or oc age ect want to fill in a little

dday - #1 Sept. 16

dday - #2 (found out about pregnancy) Sept. 18

me - 41

him - 40

FC - 40 (man it pisses me off. a 40 yr. old can't even pretend they got pregnant by mistake, esp. in these circumstances) she is single, from what we know.

OC due - ???maybe april if it all adds up.

still don't really know if the OC is H. will only know is she requests CS and then we will demand proof. i could only dream that it isan't his. wouldn't that be like winning the lottery?!!

what is everyone's opinion about confronting her?

i realized after writing my post that i had not told my H how much it meant to me that he made the decision of NC with OC instead of me. felt really good to tell him that.

you know what it's like, you've got to look for these little moments as they are few when you are trying to R.

(((((OC survivors)))))) ((((Tonya)))) This thread will be a God-send to all those who are struggling to figure out how to deal with an OC

I sit here this morning reading this thread with a lump the size of TX in my throat and crying my eyes out. I'm not sure that I will be welcome posting here...but will try anyway. My heart goes breaks for each and every one of you in this situation. SI is difficult enough without the added turmoil of a child brought into the world from it!!!

I came to SI 10 months ago looking for support for an OC sitch. I found so much love and support from so many! (((((me&my3, sweeta, others))))). The reasons I'm not sure that I fit here are in my story.

Jdad came home from Iraq in Jan 2005. On Jan 22 (yup...anniversary is 4 days from now) he told me he'd had a ONS and that she was P. I spent the next two months trying to be "adult", befriended her, told her that I understood her situation b/c Jacquelynn is an OC herself (reason #1 why you may not want me here). Anyway, after coming to SI in March, I confronted Jdad about the "ONS" and he admitted not only to having a 5 month long A, but that in the two months I'd tried to befriend her and make things easy for everyone...they'd had another A. So...at that time I DID insist on NC until after the baby was born.

Well, needless to say...this didn't sit well with FOWL. I figured out that she had planned the p. Jdad broke it off in early Dec. and she came to him on Christmas eve (pretty rotten) and "reached out" to him during a really vulnerable time...and that's when she got p. She was kind enough to share the date of conception with me.

When she realized that she wasn't going to be able to steal my man away...she decided to give the baby up for adoption. Jdad was contacted by the future adoptive parents last July. Erin was born in Aug and the adoption will be final...WOW...TODAY!!! (Reason #2). The adoption is an open one, and we recieve pics by email or in the mail (always addressed to Jdad ONLY). She's beautiful, looks just like Jdad (red hair and all) and it hurts my heart every time because I COULD have LOVED HER!!!

There's more...after Erin's birth I had this AHA moment. My parents got divorced when I was 9 mo/old. All of a sudden it hit me...what if infidelity was involved in my parents divorce? Then...OMG...what if I'M an OC???? I waited for about a month and then talked to my mom about it and found out that there WAS a possibility that I was an OC. Long story short...I got the final DNA results shortly before the holidays...and I AM an OC.

So...there's my story. I want to help others going through this emotional turmoil...I really do. I hope I can.

Hugs,

Jmom

phoebe-cha ching for the therapist is right! I see her twice a week in IC, so does my husband-then we see her once a week in MC. Doesn't happen every week because our schedules are crazy, but it has really helped. Financially it is a bit of a burden, but we are trying to deal with it. My H makes good $$ and works for a good company-they are looking into finding a way to supplement our insurance to cover more of the cost. If my H and I had started counselling way back when, when I first suggested it, perhaps we wouldn't be in this boat. There is more to the story though-I come from an alcholic/abusive family-and my husband is suffering from depression-what a mess we are! I am at a point in my IC right now that I can't even speak to my parents-and it will be a long time before I do. So many issues it is painful sometimes.

cat33-I am in the same place with my H, happy he chose me over the OC. I am hoping that doesn't change for a long time. As to confronting the OW-what's the use? I would love to confront mine-to either hit her, or at least ask her what the hell was she thinking when she slept with MY H???? She acted like the poor, shamed wife when my H flipped out about her being pregnant, like she was innocent to the whole thing. She even had the nerve in an email to blame him for not being "in control of the situation"!!! Where the hell was she, passed out drunk on the bed? I don't think so! She had all the control, lied about birth control, lied about not finding out about being pregnant until she was 21 weeks (this is a 30 yo woman-like I'm going to believe she didn't know she was pregnant), then acting all upset when my H asked her to abort or give it up. She has since said that they had an 8 mo "relationship"-which I know was absolutely not true-I know just about everytime they were together because my H is not that smart to cover it up (although I was blind at the time-my monday morning QB thinking figured it out and my H has confirmed it.)

So---my advice, unless there is an absolutely pressing need, don't go there and confront her. Yes, it would feel good for the moment, but you are a much better person than she is-keep yourself clean. In my case the OW knows I know, and I hope that the torture of her wondering exactly how much I know is enough to keep her up more nights than my thinking about her has kept me up. If I ever get the opportunity though, I may let it "be known" to her somehow to her that I know everything!! I have her email address and fantasize about getting a different/anonomous address and torturing her through email. I would never really do it. Good fantasy though, isn't it! Helps on those days I'm really down. As my IC says, fantasy and having your thoughts are fine-its acting them out that gets you in trouble. If only my H had realized that before.

jmom-wow, your story is certainly interesting. It sounds like you have a good handle on it and yourself-good for you! Our lives are so circular, but unfortunately, we don't see it until it is too late. A very good friend of mine recently said to me that the best gift we can give our kids is to not give them the legacy of crap our parents gave us. For you to come to terms with all you have been through and handle it well is a tribute to you. Thank you for sharing with us.

Update...I just checked our joint email account (the one we use to communicate with Erin's parents). The adoption is final. It was tuesday...not today.

((((twokidsmommy)))) Thanks for your kind words. I'll let you know exactly how well I'm dealing after I visit my mom in Feb to get the story of my conception. It's going to be a rough weekend...but I'm hoping her 38 year old shame can finally heal.

jacqsmom, why wouldn't you be welcome here? I've been reading your posts for months and you are always supportive and helpful. Keep posting.

Good luck this week!

Our OC is imminent--getting even more scary. We have moved and unpacked and found a therapist out here--whom we'll need to get through the next few months especially. R is going well--though after 6 months, meltdowns are still there and feelings just as intense as ever. Just doesn't make me feel like throwing up all the time anymore!

And still wish the whole situation would just disappear--

JM,

Long time... I was just thinking about you.

Hurtn

wow jaqsmom How do you feel about your mom Causing pain to your dad?

I know not your biodad but your dad none the less.

Are you happy they never told you while u were growing up?

I know I would be if I were an OC.

Hi All,

I am a long time member of the OC club and I just wanted to let you all know that I read here and my heart breaks. I use to struggle so much with the whys,hows and what ifs, I guess those thoughts still go through my head every once in a while, but for the most part 3 years out, I can say that life goes on.

In my situation, my XH now has full custody of his OC, they both live with his sister. I, at one point, wanted this child very much in my life. My XH,OW and his family did so much damage during the aftermath, that I had to one day say, enough is enough. I did my best, I couldn't take it anymore. I shut the door where OC was concerned. This was before he had custody.

Now, I talk to him everyday and he is so miserable. He hates his life, I think he resents having to have OC full time, and he knows he's the only one to blame. I still have a friendly relationship with him and I feel for him and his life right now, but I can't help but think that this could have all ended so differently. I could have raised that child as my own, at one time, I never hated her,(not judging those who do, as a matter of fact, I understand) but now I feel blank inside when it comes to her. Does that make any sense? I do struggle because my head tells me I should be a bigger person and love her like I once did.

But I've been through so much because of this, I'm not sure that I can go through anything else. I don't know, I guess we all do the best we can at the time.

Anyway, just wanted to support those on this thread.

It's a hard club to belong to.

Take Care,

NA