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Honey, they always affair down

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anxiousme posted 10/29/2011 09:53 AM

This is the best thing I have read in a week. I just got in touch with the OW's BH yesterday, and now my WS is having nightmares about me dating someone. He then proceeded to tell me he deleted all female friends from his phone accept for his son's mom, who he had his EA with, and asked me to delete all my guy friends. I don't think its fair at all because I have never done anything to betray his trust and have been an open book from the beginning. The OW is no prize...especially in the looks department and at first I felt even worse about myself because he went for a less attractive person than me, but this really made me feel a ton better

laughagain? posted 11/5/2011 07:44 AM

This post has helped me so much over the past year, I just love it!
She got the worst parts for sure and now she not only lost her lover but her husband is divorcing her. So she is “at the back of the pack”.
Now, if only I could regain my strength, one day at a time I will.

Sas! posted 11/5/2011 08:22 AM

Well, I have recently hired myself a PI to find out about my WH's OW. I suspected that even though she had a 4 year old son, she had never been married. Wh claims that she told him she was divorced. He would never tell me anything at all about her, so I decided to find out for myself. I mean, she knew all about me and my kid and our marriage....probably way more than anyone has a right to know about my private life. Anyway, as I suspected the PI found that she had never been married.

I was not looking for anything earth shattering about this woman, but boy did I get my monies worth from my PI. Apparently she used to work at a local strip club!! This explains why a woman with a masters degree in accounting and a decent job, is working every Saturday night at a bar right next door to another strip club. She obviously has a thing for strip clubs.

Now for the jaw dropping part. The PI was able to give me the Ow's "baby daddy's" name. I took the name and did my own online search. Just curious. Damn!! This guy has his entire body covered in tattoos and piercings. He also has pics of himself doing something called "body suspension". For those who have no idea what that myself..until now. This guy had 5 huge steel hooks (looks like fish hooks) put thru the upper part of his back/shoulder area, and he was suspended from a tree to just hang in mid air. These pics almost made me sick.

Now...for the absolute clincher....the father of the ow's baby was charged last month with indecent liberties with a child/under 6yrs of age, and put under 1.6 million bond!! This is the element that the ow lives around!! My wh is a cop!! I think he has completely lost his damn mind!

I no longer worry about my self esteem when it comes to this complete piece of trash. The title of this thread is soo true.

[This message edited by Sas! at 8:27 AM, November 5th (Saturday)]

katieboo posted 11/21/2011 06:49 AM


laughagain? posted 11/21/2011 07:44 AM

Thanks for bumping! One of those days I needed to read this again!

ShallLoveHer posted 11/21/2011 10:42 AM

This is awesome. My WW's AP is a lying manipulator. We talked last night about how she had tried to bring him up by getting him to stop lying and by getting closer to God. I told her that he brought her far further down that she brought him up. She agreed.

Thanks for bumping this.

2yrs+recovering posted 11/21/2011 10:53 AM

Still need to read this occasionally. Coming up to 3rd yr. This is soooooo true.


wtf2 posted 11/21/2011 11:43 AM

OK, I want to believe that, but having a hard time. Both FWH and MOW were married. He didn't hunt her, she hunted him and he joyfully and quickly went along.

Why is she the bottom of the pack anymore than he is? He definitely used her to boost his self esteem, but she did the same to him. She adored him and looked up to him like god, but she knows I'm better than her in EVERYTHING but got him to "fall in love" with her so quickly nonetheless. I'm sure that was an ego booster too.

It would have been nice to truly believe this, please convince me :)

[This message edited by wtf2 at 11:45 AM, November 21st (Monday)]

lifeblowntobits posted 11/21/2011 13:25 PM

Thanks for bumping this up...I need to read it DAILY!!!

struggling16 posted 11/21/2011 13:54 PM

Wonderful. I needed to read this today. Thank you so much. This is a perfect example of why I love SI-there's always someone wiser and more articulate to give voice to feelings.

unarmbears posted 11/24/2011 20:38 PM


Jacks13 posted 11/29/2011 03:47 AM

Thank you for this

confusedkitty posted 11/29/2011 14:20 PM

I've read this daily since I first saw it last week. It's helped so much - thank you.

thscantbreal posted 11/30/2011 13:28 PM

Thank you so much for this post!! It truly helps and makes sense!!!

1109mama posted 12/1/2011 11:41 AM

Thanks for this! I needed to hear these words.

dessyk posted 12/3/2011 11:01 AM

This is our inner strength. This resonates with the person we really are. Strong, lovable and worthwhile. Totally hits the mark of our own self worth!!!!

Edie posted 12/3/2011 12:57 PM

She adored him and looked up to him like god, but she knows I'm better than her in EVERYTHING but got him to "fall in love" with her so quickly nonetheless. I'm sure that was an ego booster too.


Your H did most likely was 'in lust' and 'in love' with the amphetamine high of the A and the OW's handmaiden adoration, not the OW herself.

Dbb's original post wording is very similar to your observations above:

"The self assured, the strong, the healthy will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Our wayward husbands, needy and looking for someone to boost his ego, must look for someone beneath them, someone who will look up to him, someone who will make him feel superior, if only temporarily. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful, and admired, than to pick the least of the bunch? The fact is … they always trade down. If she happens to be prettier, or thinner – it’s just pure luck that the wrapping is worth more than the gift inside. What’s inside, is no match for you. You’re beautiful, and faithful, strong and possibly the mother of his children. The truth is, the OW could be anyone, anyone slow enough to be caught and willing to accept what little our husbands had to offer."

Tropicalblush posted 12/3/2011 14:45 PM

oh, thank you, thank you, thank you... I had heard about this thread, but never seen it before today. Although I'm 7 months out from D-day, this is STILL an issue I struggle with. This post really made my day. I am smiling more than I have for ages.

I still think my H is a POS, and the joke is on him, because I will be smiling at him all day today, and he'll think I'm being all nice and loving, when in fact, I'll be thinking of this post.

wondering whether to give it to him to read later tonight.... ????

letmego posted 12/3/2011 15:49 PM

I was just looking for this thread. I always questioned whether or not XWH "affaired down" because OW was 21 without children and I was 35 w 2 children. My confidence was shot thanks to XWH. However, the day my D was final I got this text from XWH:

You should know that everyone thinks I'm an idiot for what I've done. They always say things like "why would you leave the perfect girl for her? " and "you downgraded".

So, even if YOU cannot see it in the beginning due to the trauma of the A, they all really do AFFAIR DOWN!!!

[This message edited by letmego at 7:19 PM, December 4th (Sunday)]

cdnmommy posted 12/8/2011 11:52 AM


As a result of reading this thread, I decided to search for some of those "OW" forums.

I wouldn't recommend it close to DDay, but it was a real eye opener.

The justifications they use are amazing, and the "support" they give each other ("honey, it is not YOUR fault. It is something missing in his marriage"), the lies they swallow ("my poor MM has not gotten sex from his wife in 8 years. How can his wife expect him to live like that?") are incredible.

My favourite though was the one who said, "My MM so badly wants to leave his wife but she knows about us and told him that if he leaves, he will never see his children again. What kind of woman stays with a man who doesn't want her?" yes, because here at JFO we all know that the BS has the power to make it so that the WS can't see their children again, right?

I will be the first to admit that before DDay I was naive, but I believed what I did based on vows taken and 16 years of shared history. The level of stupidity needed to be an AP proves that indeed, they do always affair down.

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