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Honey, they always affair down

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BullGirl posted 11/20/2009 13:58 PM

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. Haven't been here in a while (work is nuts). I needed some inspiration today and this is IT!!!! I feel so, so much better now. (((((((deathbybetrayal)))))

deathbybetrayal posted 11/20/2009 14:16 PM

You are welcome.

As a side bar - this was never meant to excuse the behavior of the wayward spouse, or to deflect blame away from them. The original intent was inspired after spending about an hour on the phone with a newly betrayed spouse who was having a difficult time in resolving the issue that the OW was in some way "better than her."

I've seen it so many times (and watched myself do this so I know first hand) that soon after DDay, that the BW is down, on the ground, in a fetal position, experiencing gut-wrenching pain - and then to actually see the OW in person or a photo, and all of the "he threw me away for 'that'????"

They are not looking to "trade up," and more often than not, they don't want to "trade" at all.

It was written for BWs - as I imagine a BH's response might be different. Not that the pain is different, but the self esteem issues of the male ego are different.

Hugs and peace to everyone today who is suffering, in pain, or somewhere else along the path to recovery.

Edited for another stupid typo.

[This message edited by deathbybetrayal at 2:37 PM, November 21st (Saturday)]

Pepper_95 posted 11/20/2009 15:38 PM

Another Thank You for this!

Watching my father have multiple A's growing up and seeing some of the OW, I had to wonder WTH he could have been thinking.

Now with my WS, I have been left wondering the same thing. My WS has told me that he has the wife that his co workers dream about (they apparantly tell him how lucky he is). DH has an EA/texting with two people employed at his company, both of whom are just the polar opposite of everything he has ever been interested in. I think he just soaked in the adoration they gave him. Whatever!

ImDone09 posted 11/20/2009 15:43 PM

yeah but what if they don't leave her, and they leave you....what does that say about the BW.

Where2Now posted 11/20/2009 17:35 PM

yeah but what if they don't leave her, and they leave you....what does that say about the BW

ImDone - in my opinion it's saying they both deserve one another. Honestly I'm not trying to be smart here - I see you are a new poster. No BW ever, ever deserves to have to deal with this - they are never responsible for anyone else's poor judgement calls.

deathbybetrayal posted 11/20/2009 17:39 PM

It says that they are still foggy, perhaps to the point of fucktardation.

Even if they leave, it does NOT mean that they are trading up. For the life of me, I can't imagine why anyone would want a partner they just pulled away from someone else.

For the record, my first husband had an A and left for the OW (9 days after seeing her for the first time since college - we had been married 16 years) and in fact, he married her. She was a total mess. Their marriage was a total shamble. He left her two years later AFTER she ruined his relationship with his children, sucked every penny she could out of him, losing their home, cars, everything including his dignity. Did he trade up just because he married her? I think not. Ask him today and he'll tell you the same thing. We get along quite well now.

ImDone09 posted 11/20/2009 19:15 PM

I asked because I am the one who was screwed over by my husband, he left me and is now with her and she is NASTY! Makes me feel like shit.

foreverchangedwi posted 11/21/2009 13:44 PM

In my opinion the majority of adultery takes place between people who are morally broken.

There is nothing about a woman or man that will cheat to honor or respect.

Thus the inner fight I have in reconciling with "MY" cheater.
But I have a prior relationship with him. I know that he is remorseful, sorry, ashamed, pissed at himself, most of all, I love him.
Her, I don't owe anything but a bitch-slap.

ShatteredAndDone posted 11/21/2009 13:56 PM


Thank you dbb That is a great word!!

[This message edited by ShatteredAndDone at 1:56 PM, November 21st (Saturday)]

lookslikeaduck posted 11/26/2009 07:56 AM


lookslikeaduck posted 11/30/2009 03:47 AM

bumping again just to keep this great post up there

realgood2u posted 12/5/2009 23:44 PM


onhold posted 12/6/2009 05:08 AM

in my case he affaired 15 yrs younger and qualifications and pay higher.

should i feel better or worse? sure i think he affaired down in finding a female with no morals

2muchhurt posted 12/6/2009 06:24 AM

Wow!!!..Thanks for the bump and the insight on this one. I never knew how women thought of the OW. It is different for men.

invictus posted 12/6/2009 06:49 AM

Thanks for bumping this -- it really put a few things into perspective for me.

I have never wondered whether OW might be in any way "better" than me, but I did think I wanted to know just WHY this one was "special" enough to end a 31 year marriage. -- bottom line, she wasn't.

My faith, family and friends have helped me through this to the point that I realize I am the special one. I am too special to be cheated on and treated poorly. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed at all the love and support that has been freely given, and I am extremely grateful.

This post drove it home for me.

Now, if the EX will just honor the dissolution that was deemed equitable in court without trying to be "relieved" of any of it... my healing can be completed.

THANK YOU for this post, the responses and the bump up.


Sereneaspiration posted 12/6/2009 06:50 AM

There are so many wonderful, insightful and helpful posts here at SI but this one in particular is one that really hit home with me and one I definitely needed to read!

Beautiful, brilliant!

simplelife posted 12/6/2009 08:59 AM

this is good to read and to constantly remind us of our self-esteem while rebuilding it. THANK YOU SO MUCH deathbybetrayal, i needed that today.

during our initial confrontations, i asked my WH if the OW knew he was married and he said yes. i already told him i knew right then and there i was better than her because there is no way one should get involved with a married person. i told him i was brought up with good breeding and being unscrupulous is not in my dictionary.

if they choose to continue their affair - they deserve each other.

bbee posted 12/6/2009 11:09 AM

Thanks for the bump! And thanks, DBB, so much. It's still something I struggle with at times. Yes, she's fourteen years younger than I, prettier, more athletic, more exciting (as in adventurous.) But she is also a mentally and emotionally broken person who went after my husband when she knew full well he was married. She wanted my life. Well she has him, and my house. And I have my self-respect.

Murphydog posted 12/6/2009 11:25 AM

THIS ROCKS...Deathbybetrayal, you have articulated this situation, wow, wow..this is a print out for me

heartbroken75 posted 12/6/2009 11:43 AM

Wow, thanks DBB and thanks to everyone for bumping it up.
I really needed to read this today.

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