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Honey, they always affair down

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Edie posted 2/26/2015 14:37 PM

You know Opal, I seem to remember a very long time ago on this thread saying something along the lines that all that glitters is not gold, and is most likely false gold. Your WH may like shiny things but that does not mean he is a connoisseur. He is fascinated, dazzled by the surface because he is looking at his own image in it. Hopefully you know what happened to Narcissus?

When the external beauty of an OW intimidates us, it is useful to examine our response, because we can learn a lot from our response. By that I don't mean go and get a new haircut (although that is always a good idea) but it throws up, reveals our vulnerabilities to us. And questions whose eyes are you judging your perceived shortcomings with. Often, there is a danger that you are using (imagining) your WS's eyes as a lens. But that is really dangerous, their optic is distorted; they have been looking into a broken mirror at themselves, not liking what they see and looking for another surface to see themselves reflected in. And we BSs, who are aging alongside our WSs, don't help in mirroring the younger version of themselves they want to see. So it wasn't helpful for me to pursue the same track of denial about aging as my WS in full MLC. I had to face reality, but determine that if I now felt deficient, in that case I was going to be as beautiful an older women as I could be inside and out (and for me that was a big decision because I had not previously paid any attention at all to my appearance and suddenly had to start thinking about it, and even... being womanly!). That brought the focus back onto me and only me (the essence of the 180), not in any kind of contrast to the OW, who was in any case younger, and who had instituted a competition that I was not in the least bit interested in engaging in. ( it is very often the wife that the OW is competing with rather than aiming her sights just at the WH - the BS is often part of the point of it for the OW.)

As DBB says, your OW feels she only deserves a lying, cheating married man. That's why she is at the back of the pack and easy prey to your WH.

TryingT posted 2/27/2015 13:47 PM

this was something I needed to read today. I'm not perfect but for some reason, making a list comparing us makes me feel better:

me: 43; her: 50
me: BSME/MSME/MBA from very prestigious East Coast universities; her: did she finish her undergrad from SUNY XYZ?
me: makes a healthy income--3x's as much $$ as OW (I know this because her salary is public record)
me: lots of long-term friendships; her: likes to party with whoever is around.
me: responsible home-owner; her: lives in an apartment
me: a mother; her: no children
me: healthy body with curves that past boyfriends have really liked; her: very thin with no breasts

oh and the last one:

me: has never pursued a married man; her: pursued at least one married man (knowing he was married), my husband.

[This message edited by TryingT at 1:49 PM, February 27th (Friday)]

trustedg posted 2/27/2015 14:05 PM

I like the list idea, it does make you feel better

Me: BS; her: didnít graduate from college
Me: professional, always pulled down a good salary; her: a few PT jobs
Me: lots of long term friendships; her: a few friends of her H
Me: lots of outside interest, hobbies, activities; her: no outside interests
Me: well read, can hold a conversation; her: doesnít read much, not even the paper
Me: healthy body, her: skinny, no boobs, hairy chest
Me: still look pretty young; her: looks old, like she was rode hard, put away wet
Me: I dress appropriately for the occasion; her: skanky dresser
Me: never pursued a married man; her: pursued many married men, cheated on both Hs, bad reputation

ChangeMaker posted 2/27/2015 14:36 PM

Mine affaired up:

He is a free spirit with street smarts, that why he don't need no hi skool diplomy;

He doesn't wear a suit and tie to work like some corporate stooge, man. He does his daily labourer work in any clothes he wants;

He ain't anchored down by no bullshit mortgage, he can come and go from his parents basement anytime he likes, and no property taxes!

hopefulmother posted 2/27/2015 20:42 PM

Mine (WH), a normal middle class store manager in his 40's with a wife he chased for several years (8) and two kids. With a cashier that has fake red hair that is half shaved. Leaves her 10yr daughter with her long term boyfriend to go out partying all night with multiple men at one time. She is tall but boxy. With what my husband calls man/boy looks. Early 30's and the icing on the cake. Only posts about boy bands and wanting to have Justin Timberlakes baby.

Yeah...affair down, can we say easy anyone?

BraveandAmazing posted 3/1/2015 21:02 PM

I needed this.

Last week. Tonight. Always.

Thank you.

Edie posted 3/12/2015 11:40 AM


DistressedMess posted 3/16/2015 10:08 AM


I work with one of the OW's - just watched her waddle past my office window (she does this every morning).


hereagain2 posted 3/16/2015 10:15 AM made me laugh...thanks

Sallyjay posted 3/16/2015 18:22 PM

Yes they sure do!!!
Need to remember this everyday... D-day was only 46 days ago and there have been more bbad days than good days since... this should help me get out of the funk I am in!!!

brokengeek posted 3/16/2015 19:21 PM

I'm a bit opposite.
WW affaired up. Wealthy executive type. He, the OM, affaired down.

I'm not going to affair up or down.
When the time is right it'll be an upgrade.

[This message edited by brokengeek at 7:22 PM, March 16th (Monday)]

njm81183 posted 3/16/2015 19:47 PM

Thank you I needed this..

BtraydWife posted 4/3/2015 10:11 AM

Bumping for a friend.

angiec posted 4/5/2015 06:35 AM


destiny777 posted 4/5/2015 11:53 AM

Woooow...powerful...encore...wooow...the b*itch is just that. A downgrade. She's uglier and older and of course one look at her and she couldn't stand next my education and class.

Thank you for this thread. I will read it and reread it

Fre66 posted 4/5/2015 18:48 PM

This article was the highlight of my day!! I will retread this one for many months to come. It gave me the shot in the arm I needed. Thank you so much!

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/7/2015 15:02 PM

*Bumping* for new members.

Iustitia posted 4/10/2015 01:10 AM

Thank you--I needed to be reminded of this today. In the midst of all this pain and confusion, it's good to remember that I am worth more than I feel right now.

goingtothrive posted 4/10/2015 07:30 AM

Mine affaired to his level.

Me: 55
Him: 46
Her: 41

Me: Master's Degree
Him: No Degree
Her: No Degree

Me: Educated Professional
Him: Trained Professional in a low paying profession
Her: Office Manager

Me: Home Owner
Him: Not a pot to piss in
Her: Home Owner

Me: Educated, ironic and absurdist sense of humor
Him: Good sense of humor
Her: Thinks a picture of Spock playing the guitar is hysterical

Me: Like an intimate gathering of intelligent friends
Him: Beer party around a burn barrel with his redneck family or an intimate gathering of intelligent friends
Her: Every post on facebook is about alcohol

Me: People say I'm real, intelligent, talented and beautiful if not somewhat over-emotional
Him: Nicest guy on the planet, warm, easy to be around, gentle natured
Her: a slut and party animal

Me: Never cheated on him or lied to him
Him: Married me without truly loving me, constantly wanted to sleep with other women, lied, cheated, abused and then left
Her: Chose a married man to get out of her 3 year marriage to a man who "didn't fulfill promises." Cheat, liar and thief.

They are a "better fit" as my exwh likes to say.

[This message edited by goingtothrive at 7:32 AM, April 10th (Friday)]

flower7 posted 4/10/2015 15:16 PM

This seemed so true in my case. My WH had an affair with his HS girlfriend who was very unattractive, an alcoholic, and compulsive liar. It was such a punch in the gut when I saw her picture. I think it would have been less insulting if she HAD been attractive. The few people I showed her picture to would immediately gasp.

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