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Punch to the Gut, 3 Month In

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TurnOtherCheek posted 12/6/2016 09:01 AM

Hi Everyone - I wanted to give an update, 3 months in from receiving the text that would end my marriage. You all jumped in and helped me while I was drowning, threw me that life line, so I wanted to keep you posted on progress. Today is a day that could possibly trigger me because I have just pulled out my suitcase to pack for yet another business trip back to Europe - the same scenario when I got that graphic text meant for the OW from WH ("I can't wait to be inside you again. xox"). Thankfully so far so good but I really am doing well even against the whirlwind of massive life changes I've undergone in these three short months, that sometimes feel like years. It's pretty shocking to grasp all that has changed but it is also testament to the fact the change isn't as scary as we sometimes make it out to be.

One particular update that might be news to you is that in the last week or so, WH/STBXH and I have been reconnecting but only in so much as we are handling our divorce and dividing the assets. He has now paid me and made me whole for all the things we co-owned. We have been kind, civil and actually dare I say friendly with each other. As you know, karma slapped him like a bitch immediately after he showed me his true colors by seriously breaking his leg and then giving him a brain aneurysm within weeks of our breakup. He is actually now healing nicely, is back home and finally getting stronger. He should be back to his old self around the beginning of the year when he can return to work, so seems like a good time for new beginnings for all. With timing on my side, I may be newly single by the New Year. All that we await is a signature from the judge on our dissolution papers. How easy was that? So on paper, it all looks good, coming along nicely, no drama and nice and tidy.

In my heart, there is still sorrow but it lessens everyday. In it's place there is resolve and a sense of pride for having taken total control of the situation and stood up for myself - for telling the world that no one was going to treat me like that ever again. I finally lived by "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." It was a very ugly lesson to learn in my first divorce but the message came through loud and clear.

I still come here and read. I find strength in the messages from those who give advice. I now also try to give advice but often times find my delivery is too much to take for most. I tend to be very black and white - "grow a pair, etc..." - and all that.

If I could give any advice at all, the most important thing I can impart is the need to make a decision either way. Those stories where indecision is at the very heart of the issue are the most painful to me. It implies limbo and to me, nothing could be worse than being in limbo. It means there is no control, it's ripe ground for ongoing betrayal, fertile conditions for "pick me" drama and a place where no action, and therefore no healing, can begin. It doesn't matter what the decision is - stay or go, try or don't try - both require action and both give purpose to the day. Everyday I pray for a decision for my brothers and sisters here at SI. It doesn't matter if it's right or wrong because course corrections are always allowed, but decision gives you purpose to get up and face each day. In the early days, that is what we need most. Purpose to get up and face each day.

I doubt my story is far from over - hell I am only 3 months in, but still I feel a sense of peace that the thing I needed most has been accomplished. That "thing" was getting out of infidelity and I did it decisively. It also meant I had to throw out the baby with the bathwater because in my case that was how strongly I felt about the infidelity. Yes, I miss having a partner, that one special person - but what I now know is that person wasn't who I thought he was. I made a mistake but it happens, a lot. I'm not special - it happens to many of us. I'm no longer beating myself up over it.

My STBXH has entered into IC. He has been through much more than I have these last 3 months and he is suffering from depression - more likely from brain surgery than the loss of our marriage, but I commended him for seeking help. I hope it helps him and I hope he learns from all of this. I wish him the best - but I wish even better for myself.

Without a doubt, not a chance I would be where I am without those of you who pulled me close and helped me hang on. Thank god for SI and all of you, each and everyone of you.

Wishing everyone a happy and joyful season - at least the best possible one under your circumstances. I'm here if you need me.

TOC

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 9:12 AM, December 6th (Tuesday)]

setecastronomy posted 12/6/2016 09:17 AM

That "thing" was getting out of infidelity and I did it decisively.

That you did.

Some of us "old-timers" are very clear on this - whether one files for divorce or attempts reconciliation is up to the individual, but their goal must remain "get out of infidelity."

So, kudos to you on that. I've yet to see you post anything I'd consider "too blunt," though.

MadOldBat posted 12/6/2016 09:19 AM

Your update is so inspiring TOC, thank you so much for posting.
One thing that struck me was you advised :

If I could give any advice at all, the most important thing I can impart is the need to make a decision either way.

It is funny, I'm over 2 years out from my last horrifying DDay.
My first decision was to Divorce, right then.
Then came WH's issues with his lifelong bipolar and blah, blah, blah..... all the attention moved back on HIM again.
It did mean limbo for me for a while.
... but now I'm back on track and pushing through the divorce in April next year. (We currently run four businesses together, so need to wait until the beginning of the new tax year for transfer of business assets / debt).
I have my solicitor retained and am receiving great advice for duck-lining-up.
This time next year I hope to be done and dusted.

I am the same age as you, and your thread helped me to regain my sense of decision-power again.
So I thank you very much for your example of strong womanhood!

Hugs and Christmas greetings to you too, MOB x


sewardak posted 12/6/2016 09:26 AM

toc - you are a shining example of how to do this in a way that makes it very clear to the WS that you mean business. i see many ppl here unable to leave (even temporarily) or put their foot down.
thank you for being a beacon for many of us on SI. if i ever have to go through this again, it will be exactly as you did.

[This message edited by sewardak at 9:26 AM, December 6th (Tuesday)]

sinsof thefather posted 12/6/2016 09:35 AM

TOC, I'm glad to hear you sounding so positive. Seems like you made the right decision for yourself. You are absolutely an inspiration and I'm sure your advice will be much respected as times goes on.

I'd be much more likely to believe that your STBXH's depression is a lot more to do with losing a quality woman like you than his surgery. That didn't help of course, but he's finally faced the consequences of his actions, realised that he has indeed lost you, and that is what has sent him down imo. But, like you, I do commend him for having gone into therapy. The fact that he's doing it for himself and not for any R attempt inspires a lot of confidence in it working for him.

Just out of curiosity did you ever hear what happened about Moana Leasha's last bill? Has she finally crawled back under the rock from whence she came?

txmom2 posted 12/6/2016 09:35 AM

What a truly inspiring post! Thanks for the words that we all so need to hear. I don't know if I've seen anyone speak so eloquently with each and every post you've made. The one thing that you said once that really resonated with me and I say to myself each and every day is "I'm a fucking prize". Peace to you and healing vibes as you continue your journey.

staystrong101 posted 12/6/2016 09:41 AM

Yes yes yes! The part about having a sense of pride for taking control of the situation and standing up for yourself. I can't even express how much that has helped me since my dday with all areas of my life. It has given me courage. I see so many people doing the pick me dance, staying in limbo, just hoping their WS will change. It's so sad to see. Thank you for sharing your update! Yes there will be ups n downs, some exhilarating days and very sad days. But you know that you have the strength to carry on. Best wishes TOC!

TurnOtherCheek posted 12/6/2016 09:51 AM

sinsoffather:

Just out of curiosity did you ever hear what happened about Moana Leasha's last bill? Has she finally crawled back under the rock from whence she came?

Ha, I must be healing to not have even made a mention of OW!

My attorney did send a cease and desist to OW and also told her to provide evidence of the invoice matter being settled - which she did! She sent a note explaining it was standard billing practices and did void the bill with her "accountant" which I'm sure is HER! No way it was standard practice as STBX had it sent to his office which was not an address on our account with her. She's such an idiot.

The last thing I heard was from her mom which I posted in another forum. Her mom contacted both WH and I explaining dating married men was her daughter's MO - searching for a sugar daddy. I thanked her mom for telling me and blocked her. My daughter told my WH about the message and he finally saw it and it sent him into a spiral - very upset, mad at himself all over again, hugely apologetic, etc, etc. Whatever. Over and done with. She can't hurt me anymore so she seems to have backed off or finally gotten it but time will tell.

I don't honestly know what, if any relationship STBXH and OW have. I refuse to talk about it though he did want me to know he has absolutely nothing to do with her, NC and hopes he never sees or hears from her again. He told me this when we met to settle the assets. I separated our phone accounts so I don't look or see his phone bills anymore. I couldn't be happier about being past that awful phase of checking up on them.

At some point she will be nothing but a gross, yucky blemish in my history and nothing more. I will only ever wonder about her young daughter and hope she makes it inspite of her mother.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 9:55 AM, December 6th (Tuesday)]

TurnOtherCheek posted 12/6/2016 09:52 AM

txmom2

Without a doubt, YOUR ARE A FUCKING PRIZE! Please never forget that.

mchercheur posted 12/6/2016 10:01 AM

Hi (((TOC))),

I am so glad that you are doing as well as you are. Have a happy holiday season and a great New Year!

sinsof thefather posted 12/6/2016 10:03 AM

Wow. Thank you for answering TOC - and if ever there were a cautionary tale for WH's this would be it. It's all just so pointless..and such a waste. I'm sure your STXWH can see exactly what it was she 'saw' in him now (remember he said before that he 'didn't know' what she saw in him?). How humiliating it must be for him now to know he fell for such a creature....and became such a cliche.

And I am SO glad that this lower class and brainless OW doesn't occupy your brain anymore TOC. She is so far beneath you it's almost not true. She's literally not worthy of your time and thoughts. So I'm glad that you are healing enough to not give her many. What a class act you are.

InRetrospect posted 12/6/2016 10:19 AM

Moana Leasha

TurnOtherCheek posted 12/6/2016 10:31 AM

Moana Leasha

In Retrospect - I can't take credit for that one. It became a thing to give her a name and was fun for all of us. That one stuck and was served up by BeeBee64 so I give him all the creative credit! If the name fits.....

Dorothy123 posted 12/6/2016 10:48 AM

(((TurnOtherCheek))))

whymeagain8 posted 12/6/2016 13:47 PM

I envy your freedom. I have young children so my resolve is strong - he and I are done as a couple - no romantic feeling left. But I must see my STBX and play nice almost daily.

Just like poor Jennifer Garner - people in the community keeping asking me if "we are back together" because they see us both attend events for our boys. It is important to our little kids especially during holidays to see both of us. I too feel "almost friendly" but that evaporates anytime he tries to patch things, or starts any BS with me at all- then my rage is back. So only neutral pragmatic conversations for us -- forever - UGH.

I am looking forward like you to single and free new year. Maybe a normal single dad out there for me somewhere.

Also, that swinging candy cane GIF seems overly suggestive to me....lol

[This message edited by whymeagain8 at 1:47 PM, December 6th (Tuesday)]

Skan posted 12/6/2016 15:37 PM

Hey TOC! Glad to hear your fantastic update. I'm even more glad for the sense of acceptance and forward motion that I "hear" in your one-line voice.

Goal 1 is always, IMO, always, to get out of infidelity. With or without the wayward. With or without the marriage. To walk out of the fire of infidelity so as to minimize the amount of time that you spend in the fire. You know you're going to get burned. There's no reason to linger and turn into a charred husk. (((hugs)))

undertherug posted 12/6/2016 15:58 PM

I hope you continue to visit this board and chime in. Whenever I see you have commented on a post I automatically think "Great -- she has a head full of common sense." Enjoy your European trip. Also have a great Christmas!

PricklePatch posted 12/6/2016 15:58 PM

TOC,

Glad to hear things are getting settled with you stbxh. I am also he was informed of Moana's MO.

I think the thing that was always so telling to me about you stbx, is his statement in the beginning about the rule of it's over if you cheat. It was suppose to protect him from you.

Hugs! I hope you enjoy your trip. Business travel can be stressful and fun.

PP

Greyson posted 12/6/2016 17:40 PM

RockStar Status
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TOC,
I read here to learn about my situation and understand the mistakes of how I handled things over 4 and 15 years ago. I usually don't read posts from female BS. I am not sure why, but I think it's because I hate how other men treat women. But yours was different. Thanks but sorry that you had to join us. When you have free moments please keep posting. Bluntness is needed. I stumble across your posts and think they are appropriate and filled with solid advice.

You impressed me and many others. Your game face was on, from the moment you saw that awful text. You played well the match that was given you. You see your errors; I see near perfection.

Congratulations on getting out of infidelity. Have a Merry Christmas with your family.

TrustGone posted 12/6/2016 23:58 PM

I am always inspired by your posts. I have been through it and now see it for what it was. It's a real shame that they don't know what they had until it's gone.

You are such an inspiration to the poor BS's in limbo that don't know what to do. I hope you keep posting and know that the BS's need so much to hear the truth in a way that gets to them like you do. If you can make the difference in a life filled with limbo and pain, then I think that is wonderful. I have seen so many broken people that wished they had your resolve.

I know I post now not for me, but for all the peeps that don't know what they want or what to do. I feel it is my payback when there was always someone there for me that understood and did not judge me

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