SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A few months ago my wife confessed she had feelings for a coworker. A month later she told me she was in love with him. I told her I loved her so much that I wanted her to be happy, and if that was not with me than so be it. I encouraged her to tell him how she felt. I told her he would say one of three things.

1-I don't have the same feelings

2-I love you but I won't leave wife and 5 kids for you.

3-I feel the same, let's do it.

She told him her feelings and asked him to leave his wife for her. He said number 2.

I asked her to stop being friends with him but although she has cooled it down, she will not give up his friendship. I want to work things out with her, but this really bothers me.

We have been going to counseling, and although the doctor encourages her to let go,she won't.

She has told me the following:

I love him.

I'm in love with him.

He is my best friend.

I need him as my best friend.

It is a safe friendship.

I find him attractive.

What do I do?

Thanks for listening

Why let her control so much? Does the other BS know? Anyway, it sounds like you are letting her call all the shots so she can live in her fantasy world of feeling that way and still staying with you.

Why do you accept this? She should not work there anymore and needs to go NC for your M to have a real chance.

I'm sorry you are here and hurting. The pain of betrayal is heart wrenching.

What consequences have their been for her not giving up the friendship? There need to be some in my opinion.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 11:40 PM, August 6th (Sunday)]

We have a counseling appointment later this week and I am going to tell her if she doesn't go NC that we need to quit the counseling and go to an attorney. I have tried to take the high road but I can't do it anymore. 17 years of marriage and two kids have me trying to whatever I can to save my marriage.

The other BS does not know. I have thought about telling her many times.

you cannot let the relationship continue. you must get her to choose either him or you. If she refuses to let go of him, your marriage is as good as over.

That is my plan, to ask her to make that choice. I was hoping she would do that on her own, but she won't.

I understand your pain. I have been M 16 years and 3 kids. It's horrible and heartbreaking. Scary too. Your W has a lot to lose really. OM has already said he would t leave for her. Ouch. He very well could drop her like nothing to save his M. That's what happened in our case.

I haven't been at this long but one thing I do absolutely believe is you have to willing to lose the M to save it. My heart goes out to you. I firmly believe that while the A is going on, they have the control, once you find out all that can change.

I think that is a good idea to lay that out there. I hope it helps lift the fog. She needs to choose and see the other for what it is.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 11:56 PM, August 6th (Sunday)]

hurtinghusband, have you confronted your WW about her feelings for you? If not, do it. Aside from counselling, it is the best thing you can do right now. It may hurt you a lot, but once you know, you can start gaining control of your M. The worst thing is to be in limbo, don't let that happen, I know, I'm there right now.

Even if she reluctantly says she will go NC with him it won't work if she is just pining away for him.

You should not be 2nd best in your own marriage.

She has already told you what you need to hear.

I wouldn't discuss it again, I would just be talking to lawyers and getting the papers drawn up to be served.

Have you read the 180 in the healing library? If you haven't do so and start to implement it.

MC with an unremorseful WS is a waste of time. Get in IC to help deal with your pain.

Also get a bank account at a new bank and move half your joint money there.

Move on with D. You can always put the process on hold if you finally find a truly remorseful WW in front of you.

Good luck.

First things first, welcome to SI, the best club that nobody wants to be in.

Secondly, please take some time to read in The Healing Library, linked in the upper left corner in the yellow box.

Also read The Tactical Primer thread at the top of this forum.

Now if you want to save your M (marriage) you have to be ready and willing to lose it.

What that means is that ultimately if nothing you do ever sways her from her course, even the threat of D (divorce), then you need to follow through and D.

I would start by telling her that her having a friendship or even working at the same place with this person is no longer acceptable if she remains your wife, that she needs to end her friendship and leave her job ASAP.

At the same time (without telling her) contact his spouse and inform her of their relationship, as well as their employer...which may possibly get them reassigned or even fired...or it may do nothing, though the hint of a lawsuit might get some action.

However, before you take any action or discuss anything further with her, get a few consults with divorce lawyers, and ask if you have any legal recourse against the OM (other man)...some states allow for suit for alienation of affection, or marital interference.

Whatever you do, be ready and willing the play the D card and mean it...she works so you would share custody of children.

I'm sure there is more that I did not cover, but right now the most important thing is to bring the A (affair) to an end, and it is an EA (emotional affair).

I love him.

I'm in love with him.

He is my best friend.

I need him as my best friend.

It is a safe friendship.

I find him attractive.

Then why is she still married to you?

Surely logically, she's in love, he's her best friend, if she had the courage of her convictions then she would do right by you and divorce you (as a favor both as your supposed friend and wife) and wait for this guy and continue their friendship.

Another thing, read NoMoreMrNiceGuy. You played the nice guy card, I just want you to be happy schtick, really? Then surely by your own logic and actions you got exactly what she wanted, happiness because she's in love with this guy and she's keeping him as a friend.

Stop with the nonsense. Stop playing MrNiceGuy because you're asking her to e happy while she kicks you in the n*ts and expects you to smile.

You don't want your wife to have a boyfriend and a lover, the OM straight up alpha maled the hell of of this, now he has a lover who understands he will ever leave his wife and the husband who encourages his wife to be happy having a lover!!

Stop treating her like a child. She's married, she doesn't need counseling to know a wife having a boyfriend while hurting her husband is wrong. The attorney should have been called yesterday, again if she had the courage of her convictions she would be gone instead with your encouragement and inaction she gets to have her love as her best friend.

Stop this.

This situation is not really easy to solve because of 17 years of marriage and 2 children. With that said, this situation is easy to solve. Get a divorce, and from the 3 billion plus women in the world, go find you one that says this about you.

I love him.

I'm in love with him.

He is my best friend.

I need him as my best friend.

It is a safe friendship.

I find him attractive.

There is no way on God's green earth I would be the runner up, plan B, or second choice of my own wife. Ain't gonna happen. Here is the advice I have always given. Never, never live with and try to make a marriage with someone that doesn't love you. It will suck the life out of you, make your life miserable and make you old before your time. Leave her to pine over her man who has a wife and 5 children. In the end it will make her old before her time.

I do wish you well.

Please listen to OrdinaryDude's every single word. You came here for help. That is exactly the prescription to fix this (of it can be fixed)

Welcome hurtinghusbandinwisco.

Please tell the other BS today. I can guarantee he will throw her under the bus so fast it will make her head spin.

Yes there will be fallout, be prepared to be blamed and for her to cry the victim.

Her behaviour is intolerable.

Anger is not a bad emotion, please find some.

I find her saying to you she is in love with him, is her best friend,

need him, blah blah blah is beyond cruel.

You are her husband, not him.

I'm so sorry you are here. Please listen and follow through advice given. It will get you out of infidelity.

double post

[This message edited by fadedrainbow at 5:53 AM, August 7th (Monday)]

I am sorry you are here hurtinghusbandinwisco and I apologize for being blunt.

You are putting with a lot of crap from your WW.Have you been putting her on a pedestal over the years?

There are several things that need to be addressed if you stand a chance to blow their affair:

1- collect all evidence you have and talk to his wife without telling your WW. Once she knows, he will be busy trying to save his own marriage. Paying child support for 5 kids is no fun.

2- tell your wife she needs to decide now, him or you. If she decides she wants you and your family, then she must leave the job, send a NC letter to him, give you total transparency on all devices, all passwords.Then she needs to find an IC for her and cancel MC.She should also book STD testing appointments for both of you.

If she decides her 'friendship' is something she will not renounce, then you have no choice but the make an appointment with a layer and start divorce proceedings.

Do not be a plan B to anyone. You are worth much more than that.

Your wife is a morally reprehensible person and you're an enabler. Work on those two things and maybe you can save what's left of your marriage.

Friend

I think it is clear that she continues with you because the OM rejects it.

The question is, why do you want someone who has shown you disrespect and who does not love you?

Greetings and remember if it was not your co-worker will be another, but you are not his man.

This MUST be exposed to his wife...and their job. I've read probably 500 stories of infidelity. I became obsessed with it after my own experience. What I've learned beyond a shadow of a doubt is that you can NEVER save a marriage if the affair is allowed to be kept a secret. NEVER. The ONLY people that I've seen have a chance are when the affair was exposed to the world which caused reality to smack the cheater right in the face and snap them out of the fog. While your WW is in the fog you have ZERO chance of penetrating it and bringing her back to reality.

I don't understand the posters here saying she needs to choose. She has already chosen. She looked her husband straight in the eye and said I DON'T LOVE YOU, I'M IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER MAN!!! What more is there to discuss? And what exactly is there to save? This marriage is dead.

Poster, get a good lawyer and file for divorce. Do you seriously want to be married to a woman that is love with another man? If she loves him, then she doesn't love you, so you need to cut her loose and find a woman that does love you. Are you seriously going to comfort her while she cries over the other man?

The fact that she won't end the "friendship" with him tells you she values him more than you. Also it is very disrespectful to you and the marriage. So give her what she wants, which is to be free to pursue another man. File for divorce and wish her well. No person should stay with a mate that doesn't love and cherish them.

Hurting.

I think everyone here at SI is giving you the benefit of their experience.

Three weeks after my H announced his A (and tried to make it seem like it was innocent flirting at first) I DEMANDED he choose - her or me.

He chose me.

But it was a lie. It was not want he wanted then. And I syffered his pining and unhappiness and blaming me for standing in his way of "true happiness". But A did end for a brief time. Then a month or so later she called him - he went running back AND A resumed well hidden.

Then I started to hear (again)! He wanted a D and he was unhappy. But he said it was all him. Typical mid life crisis. Except in reality he was dumping me for her. I saw the emails after the fact that stated he was getting a D to be with her.

Until DDay2 (because one DDay is just not enough pain & torture).

I then told him I WAS DIVORCING HIM!!!

He begged and pleaded and went immediate No Contact and has spent the last 4 years making amends.

Google A fog b/c that is where she is. And will remain there unless she either changes or you do something.

Best thing I ever did for me was tell him to leave. I hated being that person who was mean and nasty b/c that is not my nature BUT I had nothing left to give. To him or our M. 6 months if pain and being treated poorly was enough.

And when he begged me to stay I made him sign a post nup to protect me and children. Completely legal in my state.

So yes I can get my bad self in motion when necessary.

And now he fears I will D him b/c if his last A.

Good to know I have options. I have power and control over the direction of my life.

He started this whole "I want a D" routine. The next time it will be a reality - not a discussion. That's for sure.

Get back your stlf esteem, power, control and life. With her or without her.

I would rather be single (and happy and free from the lousy treatment by a CS) than M with a CS.

There are better things out there.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:27 AM, August 7th (Monday)]