"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Iwantmyglasses posted 12/8/2017 08:40 AM

During the course of my marriage, I loved reflecting on the exact way we held hands while saying our vows to one another. The emotion I felt while making this commitment to my husband. This moment always filled me with joy.

After DD and I heard him on VAR talking about how scared I am as to lose him to his special unicorn.

I went to him. I held his hands in the exact manner. I said, “Be clear, I am not afraid to lose you. I loved the moment we spoke our vows and held hands exactly like this. I have three most precious children because of marriage”. Still holding his hands. I continued, “I vow to be the best mother to my children. And I will never be scared.”

He started crying.

For so long I have wrestled with the convenant being broken. Of him breaking another’s marriage convenant.

This morning, we were talking. He said, “I know you are still hurting”.

It dawned on me. Vows are not a snap shot broken by one insistent. This popped out to me. “In sickness and in health”. The marriage can be brought back to health. My husband was sick. This brought sickness to me. But what about health? So many people work on the restoration of health. Why can’t health be brought back after infidelity? Isn’t it a continuation of vows to allow the remorseful spouse to restore the marriage? Notice, I say remorseful. Rejection is the ultimate cruelty. Rejection is not part of vows. I am exploring the notions that my vows are fluid. A continuation of motion. So much of love cannot be explained by science.

There is no mathematical formula for love nor faith. You can never mathematically prove either. A proof doesn’t exist for it. On that day, holding his hands it was sacred for me. To see him working on restoring our marriage. This work shows me it was sacred for him as well. His lack of coping skills allowed the affair to happen. Those coping skills are improving. It takes coping skills to navigate these waters.

I prayed for years for my husband to become checked in to his family’s. I believe in rebirth. I am happy to celebrate the gift of rebirth in my marriage.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 8:44 AM, December 8th (Friday)]

ff4152 posted 12/8/2017 08:48 AM

IWMG

Nothing really to add but thank you for that beautiful post. If nothing else, it gave me a bit of hope.

Cephastion posted 12/8/2017 08:51 AM

People DO change. They change for the WORSE and they can change for the BETTER. But down is easier than up. And selfish is easier than selfless.

My fWW wife changed too. She changed for the worse after we said our vows and she binge sinned, a and then changed for THE better after she came to her senses... and I must admit that I changed for the worse. But I'm hoping to recover myself.

I don't think vows are really " fluid" in and of themselves, but the people who SAY them certainly tend to be.

Iwantmyglasses posted 12/8/2017 09:04 AM

And taking the easy road in life doesn’t get anyone very far.

Marriage is a living entity. The vows that brought forth a marriage are living.

Being stuck is a choice. You can say...this happened to me. My spouse did this to me. If you have a remorseful spouse. You are hurting you. You are allowing the past to have a life in congruent to your current life.

Beauty doesn’t stop with heartache.

Your words. My wife has changed for the better. If so, and you want to be happy...accept it. Bring joy and beauty back into your life.

swmnbc posted 12/8/2017 09:35 AM

Love this!

sisoon posted 12/8/2017 10:00 AM

I totally agree with you.

I am not devout, so I'm not sure my vows were to God or just to my W and me. TBH, I don't remember the vows at all, but I believe M involves, sickness and health.

But some WSes will not do the work necessary to heal. Some WSes get so fogged up that they initiate D or just leave. R is simply not a possibility for some BSes. If you go to a g2g, the D'ed members you meet will make you think, 'Boy, that person's XS had to be really messed up to lose him/her!'

But overall, yeah, I think people who cheat are best classed as 'sick', and that means the 'sickness and health' vow covers them.

If they're not willing to get well, though, I think we're free to leave. In fact, if they're not willing to get well, leaving may be the best option for both partners.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 12/8/2017 10:19 AM

I wrestle with this and have thought the same. I will work with Mr. ISurvived until I learn he is unsafe again and then it is over. A physically abusive person is sick too but nobody should stay in a relationship where their physical well being is compromised by the other person. Same goes for emotional health IMHO.

There is hope and optimism but also a very healthy dose of reality.

Oldwounds posted 12/8/2017 12:06 PM

Isn’t it a continuation of vows to allow the remorseful spouse to restore the marriage?

To me? Yes, absolutely.

I do understand why some people consider the vows over and done when one person breaks them. However, I thought it worth holding up my end -- for better, for worse (and wow, way, way worse), until death do us part, were still an important consideration.

And a truly remorseful spouse is key, we can't restore anything alone.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 12/8/2017 12:24 PM

This is a very AWESOME post...thanks so much for sharing it !!! I believe this post definitely belongs in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread at the top of this Forum!!!

shellbean posted 12/8/2017 17:51 PM

Wow! Beautiful and thoughtful! I never really looked at my vows in this light before.

“In sickness and in health”

You are so right! Our WS are sick! Just as I administered CPR on WH during his heart attack, and cared for him in the aftermath of that awful day - I need to dig deep within myself and find a way to stay strong (and care for him) during this sickness until our marital health can be restored.
Thank you, thank you, thank you IWMG, this is profound! So many posts help me, but there are the special posts that actually sink inside my soul and shake me loose, wake me up. This is one of those posts.
I am sitting here feeling something I haven't felt - I don't know how to describe it. An awakening? A realization? All this time I have been focused on our vows and that WH broke them; but what about me? If I don't stand with him during this sickness, then am I no better?
I hate the word amazing - it is so overused. But in this case, your post is AMAZING!
Thank you!

hopefulkate posted 12/8/2017 20:15 PM

A few months after DDay, when I understood what had happened to him, I gave him his ring back. I said, in sickness and in health.

He hasn't taken it off since. (We never wore ours prior.)

Beautiful post, IWMG. Thank you for reminding me too.

Jesusismyanchor posted 12/8/2017 22:43 PM

This brought tears to my eyes because it is full of so much grace.

I'm not scared either Glasses. I've lived through so much. Tonight we pulled out the Christmas decorations and put them on the tree. They were jumbled and disorganized. I realized that the last time I put these up was within 2 weeks of Dday when I felt my life was over. I felt like I had been in a terrible car crash and was having panick attacks and could barely breath, suffering depression and so much more. I had thrown my H out and thought a D was my future. I thought to myself, how did I even put these up at all? Where did I find this strength? How did I function? But I did. I'm staring at the proof. I'm strong, stronger than I knew with God at my side always.

I also prayed for my H to be a more Godly man and leader of our home. I could feel pushed away and locked out. I was so confused. I was tired of making excuses for him. He wasn't very present And was detached no matter how hard I tried pre dating the A. I longed for a more intimate M.

When I thought it was as all over and I was done, the Lord began a new thing with this awful revelation. It's so odd that the revelation. greatest heartbreak that I would never wish for and had taken me to an absolute place of brokeness is also what the Lord is using to see the change in my H that I longed for. I do wish with everything in me that we could be on this journey a different way.

Ya. I also agree this is only for remorseful H. I won't live this way again. It is abuse. But, my IC asked me if I would grieve if I didn't try once. I was on the fence for D. I said yes, for myself but also because my kids will have a completely broken father. It has been hard and scary at times to face just how sick he has been. But.....

I'm not scared to D. Im not scared to R. I've finally gotten to a place where I'm just not scared anymore.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 10:46 PM, December 8th (Friday)]

W3IRZ posted 12/9/2017 00:27 AM

Although I’ve never said this in as much detail and as well, I’ve said many times in posts here that my husband was sick and just because he broke his vows doesn’t mean I break mine. In sickness and in health. It can take on so many meanings.

Thank you so much for this great post

HardenMyHeart posted 12/9/2017 01:00 AM

Great post Iwantmyglasses and thanks for sharing.

I struggled with my vows after d-day. My conclusions were similar to yours, especially having a remorseful wife. It was one of my motivators to give R a shot.

NoLongerAlive posted 12/9/2017 01:16 AM

Wow, you are an inspiration and I hope your H realizes how lucky he is to still have you!

This example is a testimony to your inner strength, dignity and maturity under the worst circumstances:

After DD and I heard him on VAR talking about how scared I am as to lose him to his special unicorn.

I went to him. I held his hands in the exact manner. I said, “Be clear, I am not afraid to lose you. I loved the moment we spoke our vows and held hands exactly like this. I have three most precious children because of marriage”. Still holding his hands. I continued, “I vow to be the best mother to my children. And I will never be scared.”

Datura posted 12/9/2017 02:19 AM

Thank you for sharing. The vow breaking is something that I have really struggled with along with it feeling like it taints the memories.

I really like your perspective :-) I need it sometimes!!

Cephastion posted 12/9/2017 10:49 AM

I personally find it rather interesting that folks on this thread seem to find more binding obligation inherent in the matter of their spouse being " sick" in conjunction with the " in sickness and in health" aspect of the common wedding vow as opposed to the much more definitive aspect of the both of you actually still being clinically " alive" and not dead as it concerns the " till death do us part" condition of that same vow.

But I guess it does kinda give the BS a kind of moral high ground affirmation to see one's spouse as sick and needing our help rather than us being simply duty-bound to a selfish, compulsively lying, promiscuous heartbreaker instead.

I know I CERTAINLY felt this way concerning my own wayward wife when she was going bad on spiritual self destruct mode, but I guess for me it was the "death-ONLY" clause that really kept me in focus of what my options were when she was gone.

But since different things speak to reach one of us a little differently, I thought I'd share this verse which was also alleged to be a common song and saying of the first century Christians. It's found in 2 Timothy verses 11 thru 13:

11The word [is] faithful; for if we have died together with [him], we shall also live together;

12if we endure, we shall also reign together; if we deny, *he* also will deny us;

13if we are unfaithful, *he* abides faithful, for he cannot deny himself.

..................................................
I quoted it from the Darby version of the Bible because I like the way the first line is phrased and seems more deeply connected with the rest of the song/saying that follows it.

Additionally, Christ is called " The Word" in other places in Scripture (John & Revelation among other places), and it also says in another place that God CANNOT lie, so this all seems very consistent with how I perceive Him to be and how I believe He (and I) wants ME to be and walk as well.

Anyone agree or disagree there?

strugglebus posted 12/9/2017 14:49 PM

I am so happy for you IWMG! You are such a strong spirit and you deserve happiness and rebirth. <3

I'm not scared to D. Im not scared to R. I've finally gotten to a place where I'm just not scared anymore.

JIMA- this is exactly how I feel too. I am not scared of anything these days. Suddenly, I am not afraid to try new things, to be brave, to risk things. I can fully leap in to the risk of R (that I will be hurt again) because I am not scared to D. This is incredibly freeing for me. I will do the best I can in the moment at all things.

Iwantmyglasses posted 12/9/2017 16:27 PM

Thank you for all of your kind words. This community has caused me to be introspective. To address the issue I’ve needed to change about myself. Please know I am not taking blame for the affair because I said I need to change. Not at all. I am not to blame. However, I have had to change things within myself to become happy. I am getting there.

Also, I hope I am not coming across as calm, cool, and collected. You can read my early posts to see I was absolutely hissing poison. I felt poisoned. I had never had these emotions in my life.

Y’all!! I was happy to nod my head before the affairbSmooth things over and smile. I was a step ford wife. My husband was shocked at words I used upon DD, Things I said. His biggest attraction to me is my class. He never heard me use the C word, F word, the vile things I would spew!! When he broke no contact after DD. I unleashed. All of the years of smiling and ingoring my feelings. I was unglued. I was crazed. I had to practice so much cognitive behavioral therapy to rid myself of being so nasty.

I also want each of you to know. I did NOT love my husband once I found out NC was broken. This broke the remaining threads of love I had for him.

I started the divorce process. My lawyer advised me against filing right away. For various reasons she advised me to sit back and watch what he would do. She felt strongly his strokes caused all of his poor coping skills to erupt. She also referred me to our therapist.

With the help of my therapist...I came to the realization I didn’t want my children to see bitterness and dysfunction. So I learned to cope at home. I still didn’t love him. My love for my husband began growing again when i almost died 6 months ago. His treatment of me was incrediblely different. And I discovered I needed him. So I began changing my tone on SI and with my therapist. She said my husband hadn’t deserved love in years. He wasn’t a husband worth loving before the affair. And now, I was getting to experience love with my family intact.

Isn’t it funny how certain words in IC a stick to you?

Recently, I have been praying for guidance. Sisson posted a couple things that struck my interest. I delved deeper into this. It’s like a lightbulb was turned on for me.

I haven’t had obsessive thoughts about the affair in almost a week! I know. It’s only a week. The naysayers will come back to tell me...it will change.

Here is the thing. I accept this. I accept certain hurts which come alone with this. I have said this all along. For ME. Being without my children will hurt me worse. I can do it. But with a remorseful husband...why would I cause the hurt for my precious babies?

My next phase is to continue to become a more whole woman. My children will leave the nest one day. I need to be dynamic and pursue other interests.

The crazy thing is. I was more than content as a mother and a SAHM. I just absolutely loved it. I took my responsibilities so seriously. And in this. Did y’all know I never once said no to my husband about sex? He would literally turn around and doing nothing other than intercourse. I screamed. “How dare you think you are the only one to want passion”. I told him he was the worst lover. To have that off my chest!!!!!! It was an explosion. I am pretty confident the neighbors heard me.
The look on his face was priceless.

Anyway...I know I had my own changes to make. IE never accepting a crappy sex life again. Not lashing out when I was done with his crap. 1-2 times a year. And it was epic. (preaffair)

And of course, I have shared how I became abusive towards him verbally. Not so much emotionally. But verbally. It was bad. I was snide. Sarcastic. Demeaning. Righteous. And gusss what. None of it made me feel good. None of it.

So please don’t think I woke up with a smile on my face and a chignon! I didn’t. This has been a process and one I am certain will continue to result into evolution.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 4:32 PM, December 9th (Saturday)]

SearchingJuly posted 12/10/2017 16:51 PM

Being stuck is a choice.

No, it's not.

If you have a remorseful spouse. You are hurting you. You are allowing the past to have a life in congruent to your current life.

No, because:

My spouse did this to me.

The BS is not hurting themselves, the actions of their WS are still hurting them, and it is not their fault. The BS is not allowing anything, they are doing their best after being traumatised by their spouse, & if they're struggling, it doesn't mean they chose to feel pain. They didn't ask for this or claim to be experts at suffering from trauma.

Beauty doesn’t stop with heartache.

And pain doesn't stop with a 'remorseful' spouse.

Glad to hear that you are doing well Iwantmyglasses, I really am. But not all BS can so easily chose to feel better. The choices were so destructive that they have to endure the pain for a long time if not forever, and that is never their fault. We can all make choices & changes to our own lives but sometimes the choices of others, changes everything for us. That doesn't make us weak or co-dependant - that's marriage. That's life.