Thank you for all of your kind words. This community has caused me to be introspective. To address the issue I’ve needed to change about myself. Please know I am not taking blame for the affair because I said I need to change. Not at all. I am not to blame. However, I have had to change things within myself to become happy. I am getting there.
Also, I hope I am not coming across as calm, cool, and collected. You can read my early posts to see I was absolutely hissing poison. I felt poisoned. I had never had these emotions in my life.
Y’all!! I was happy to nod my head before the affairbSmooth things over and smile. I was a step ford wife. My husband was shocked at words I used upon DD, Things I said. His biggest attraction to me is my class. He never heard me use the C word, F word, the vile things I would spew!! When he broke no contact after DD. I unleashed. All of the years of smiling and ingoring my feelings. I was unglued. I was crazed. I had to practice so much cognitive behavioral therapy to rid myself of being so nasty.
I also want each of you to know. I did NOT love my husband once I found out NC was broken. This broke the remaining threads of love I had for him.
I started the divorce process. My lawyer advised me against filing right away. For various reasons she advised me to sit back and watch what he would do. She felt strongly his strokes caused all of his poor coping skills to erupt. She also referred me to our therapist.
With the help of my therapist...I came to the realization I didn’t want my children to see bitterness and dysfunction. So I learned to cope at home. I still didn’t love him. My love for my husband began growing again when i almost died 6 months ago. His treatment of me was incrediblely different. And I discovered I needed him. So I began changing my tone on SI and with my therapist. She said my husband hadn’t deserved love in years. He wasn’t a husband worth loving before the affair. And now, I was getting to experience love with my family intact.
Isn’t it funny how certain words in IC a stick to you?
Recently, I have been praying for guidance. Sisson posted a couple things that struck my interest. I delved deeper into this. It’s like a lightbulb was turned on for me.
I haven’t had obsessive thoughts about the affair in almost a week! I know. It’s only a week. The naysayers will come back to tell me...it will change.
Here is the thing. I accept this. I accept certain hurts which come alone with this. I have said this all along. For ME. Being without my children will hurt me worse. I can do it. But with a remorseful husband...why would I cause the hurt for my precious babies?
My next phase is to continue to become a more whole woman. My children will leave the nest one day. I need to be dynamic and pursue other interests.
The crazy thing is. I was more than content as a mother and a SAHM. I just absolutely loved it. I took my responsibilities so seriously. And in this. Did y’all know I never once said no to my husband about sex? He would literally turn around and doing nothing other than intercourse. I screamed. “How dare you think you are the only one to want passion”. I told him he was the worst lover. To have that off my chest!!!!!! It was an explosion. I am pretty confident the neighbors heard me.
The look on his face was priceless.
Anyway...I know I had my own changes to make. IE never accepting a crappy sex life again. Not lashing out when I was done with his crap. 1-2 times a year. And it was epic. (preaffair)
And of course, I have shared how I became abusive towards him verbally. Not so much emotionally. But verbally. It was bad. I was snide. Sarcastic. Demeaning. Righteous. And gusss what. None of it made me feel good. None of it.
So please don’t think I woke up with a smile on my face and a chignon! I didn’t. This has been a process and one I am certain will continue to result into evolution.
[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 4:32 PM, December 9th (Saturday)]