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Its across the street

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atreides posted 1/10/2018 18:40 PM

As for cameras, wired POE is the best above 1080p but i know you want wireless

If wireless, dedicate a router to the camera's.
There are so many brands, just go by reviews and make sure they are 1080p or above

Bigger posted 1/11/2018 04:08 AM

A few practical points:
Are you sure about the need for cameras?
Since it’s been established you can change locks without her consent then wouldn’t that do the trick? Once you change locks then if she enters without your consent it’s breaking and entry.
Want to ensure OM doesn’t enter? Well… All the cameras will do is show if he does enter. Ask your attorney because maybe you need to let him/her know in some traceable way that he would be considered a trespasser on your property (Trespass Notice). I’m thinking that without such notification then all a camera might tell you is that he entered.
I’m just wondering if the bucks wouldn’t be better spent in the inevitable attorney-cost of divorce.

If you do get cameras then be careful where you place them. If OM and WW are across the street then you make sure your angles are directed at your property. You don’t want accusations about you stalking them or spying on them. Always keep in mind that if this all ends in court then the judge will always lean towards reason and away from crazy. If they accuse you of invading their privacy it’s better that you can refute those claims right away

The less communications with her the better.
The less attachment the better.


Go through each room in your house and catalog the contents. Photograph everything. The level of detail is up to you. Do this task like you were evaluating for insurance.

Her stuff in the house? Well… Get it out ASAP but legally. Consult with your attorney but it’s your house and you can set conditions for its removal. Out of sight -> out of mind.

Start reasonably: Give her a week to come over along with a friend (not OM) to get her personal stuff. Your friend/uncle/colleague Sam will be there but you personally will stay away for 2 hours. Anything that is not clearly personal needs to be approved by Sam before it’s taken. Make this offer in a traceable way (text, e-mail). No reply and you escalate: repeat the offer and give her 3 days and that after 3 days you will pack her personal items and ship over the street.

She can demand police be present, but last time I checked this wasn’t in the job-description. Only times I had to go into something comparable was with a warrant or escorting a domestic-abuse victim. She can demand all she wants, and if she can get a cop along when she comes over then fine. But stick to my plan of having Sam there and you stay away.

Whomever you get to be there on your behalf, walk him through the house and point out what YOU think are her personal possessions. Point out (and maybe mark with a small colored sticker) things that you DO NOT want removed. Anything she takes other than what are clearly her personal items (clothes, shoes etc.) have Sam photograph and catalog and if in doubt then phone you. But YOU keep away. Keep it all in scale though. She wants that tacky lava-lamp that you can get replaced for 20 bucks… let her have it. She wants to take the couch she selected and bought the day before strutting to OM… she can take it (after all – you can put a financial value on it and it will be deducted at some point when finalizing the divorce).

Get this over with ASAP.


The school and the calls? Good work on that. Leave a message with the secretary. Get an e-mail address and send a reminder. This is all about being accountable and leaving traceable evidence.

Freeme posted 1/11/2018 06:00 AM

I agree with bigger about the cameras. If you are legally able to lock her out of the house, why not do that instead.

Give her a week to set something up for her and the cops (?!?) to come over and remove her items. Have you sorted out who gets what with the kids things? She seemed focused on that in her message. I'm sure you would like to be around while she removes her things but in the long run it would be much better for you not to be there. Think about how much the phone contact set you back...she knows your buttons and little comments while rooting through your stuff have a huge impact. She also appears to enjoy setting you off. Have a friend or family member there and be available to that person via text.

The app is 100 bucks per side and captures the text messages from each side. Bit bulky imho

When she first suggested a family app I thought she meant a family calendar so that you are able make each other aware of kids activities/visitation without speaking. These apps are normally free. 100 bucks for something that you can both do on your own? She just wants to get you angry. I'd dismiss this unless your lawyer advise you get it.

She is having an extremely hard time dealing with your NC and is trying to push you into breaking it by making outlandish demands. I can almost see her stomping around across the street, screaming about NC while OM lays in bed after his surgery. She expected you to go bonkers after getting her message about Florida, the lawyer, app, cops... and to start talking (yelling) to her again. Get those locks changed because she is going to try something else soon.

I have to add that you are really handling this well. Affairs are one thing, then for it to be with a "friend", add to that the fact that they are across the street, her evilness, OM's totally clueless... Horrible situation that you are handling really well.

Jduff posted 1/11/2018 09:02 AM

I'm just giving another view of the camera discussion here. Rockstardad, there is another new member, DigitalSpyder, that is in a similar situation as you. His WW brings the OM into and around their marital home clearly to try and provoke him into a situation and it souds very much like she has been attempting bait him for a DV charge. It got to a point where his WW was beating their 14yr old son and he had to intervene, then she quickly turned the physical abuse on him apparently while the OM was parked right in front of his home as if they were hoping for an outcome. He has already called 911 twice. He has his security cams for his home ordered and on the way. This is for him and his son's protection. Not only will the cameras capture evidence of abuse by his WW, it can also capture a normal and peaceful home for DigitalSpyder and his son when his WW isn't around. If his WW knows there are cams to capture her behavior hopefully it is enough incentive to keep the home a safe place, especially for his son. Perhaps you should reach out to him about this topic and get some additional insight specific to your situations. Other than that, the cams are essentially "security" cams for the home and if you end up selling the home then it's just another investment made to enhance the property for the next buyer. Your cost is recovered, but I think the investment is well worth the supporting video evidence it provides.

Also, I use ourfamilywizard and I like it. I was actually in the process of trying out a few of the free co-parenting sites at that time when my XW suggested ourfamilywizard. I had to admit it works much better than anything I could find and all of that info is downloadable presentation for court if necessary. Hopefully, others chime in and suggest simiar sites as well. I'm sure there are better ones we aren't aware of.

[This message edited by Jduff at 9:04 AM, January 11th (Thursday)]

RockstarDad posted 1/11/2018 14:26 PM

Locks are already changed. I would like to do cameras just on the garage and front door entrance. She made remarks about it being her home to. Legally she has no claim and I can back that up without a worry.

She is coming with her father Monday. The police here will stay for 10-15 minutes while someone removes some items but will not stay while someone moves out. They would do it in this case to cover my ass, but I like not being here, the less interaction the better.

RockstarDad posted 1/11/2018 14:31 PM

I think texting was fine and documented already. Pretty confident she did a initial consult with a lawyer, was probably a bit all over the place and given this advice to use the app. I like the fact that I am following her request for "all further communication" to be through the app, getting my disconnect on, but pissing her off as she wants to talk face to face contrary to her request. She kinda screwed herself in asking me to do so. I am going to keep using the app.

Iwantmyglasses posted 1/11/2018 14:39 PM

My only reason for suggesting cameras is because you are an officer. Many people are looking to get the police in trouble.

“I had to divorce, he is crazy, police are trained to be confrontational” or what every crap she can come up with.

I may have you mixed up with someone else. Was you that said she had intercourse with over 100 men before marriage?

RockstarDad posted 1/11/2018 15:11 PM

Nah, that is another cop. Mine told me 50-100 2 days before DDay. Found out mine has slept with at least three married men (besides me) so if a married man is worth 25 points each we are about even. Its a wonderful world we live in.

rambler posted 1/11/2018 21:25 PM

What is important is how you will be viewed by the courts. You should not make it difficult for er to get her stuff.

This can be used against you.

sinsof thefather posted 1/12/2018 00:43 AM

I think you've got this covered pretty well RockstarDad. The money for the cameras can be recouped in the sale of the house and most people would see them as an asset. The fact that the police do offer that service in your area is a bonus too. To try to keep her in the (admittedly short) time frame maybe you could message her to give you a list of the main items she wants and you can have them all in one place ready to go.

RockstarDad posted 1/14/2018 10:24 AM

So lots of talks with my sis and she has been pretty helpful. Actually amazing how the more we have talked the more her advice has paralleled the advice here, so I am on the right track and have some outside validation which makes me more confident.

So she thinks my stbxw has some BPD issues but not the full blown disorder. Ive got that here too. She hes been having me read some articles of which this is one

So it looks like I will doing this to the tee. Not coparenting but parallel parenting is going to be a odd concept but in reality I was doing it myself for a good part already. I had hopes she would give up the AP someday realize what she did, truly apologize and fix herself, I would heal, and we could have normal emotionally detached from each other conversations about the kids. Dont think that will happen. Oh well. I will eventually find a real partner and maybe in the long run my kids will be better off for it.

I still feel bad that this couldve have all been worked on inside the marriage, but that was her mask she wore and her choice, not mine.

Doing better but periods of untriggered almost unbearable pain still happen. Oddly I went to the hockey rink where she had confessed to me before my sons game and only needed a couple deep breaths and powered through. Later I was driving home and a wave of pain hit me out of nowhere. At least I have moments of joy and times I almost feel at peace. People at work noticed and said "well he's back" which is good to hear. Still in a crisis mode frame of mind I guess but I can be the old me for longer periods of time.

Spoke to my father in law as he is coming over tomorrow to help move and wanted him to understand this had nothing to do with him (my planning on not being here). He wanted me here and we came up with a gameplan where I am nowhere near her, he is the intermediary, and we get this done. He knows I wont be talking to her or helping her move and said he understands. She will behave with him here (I will audio record anyway). Dont want to be here, but will do this for him not her. He said he wanted to maintain a relationship with me (different of course) but I could tell he was disqusted with what she did. I look forward to doing some things with my boys and him and BIL. It wont be me and them stuff but the commonality will be the kids and that can work. And I appreciate that blood is thicker than water so I did not go into detail with him.

Appreciate all the great advice. Please feel to elaborate on, agree or disagree with my thoughts.

I very much appreciate all the advice so far and going forward. It has made a huge difference!

[This message edited by RockstarDad at 10:44 AM, January 14th (Sunday)]

TimelessLoss posted 1/14/2018 10:56 AM


Can I disagree and still support your decision to be at the house?

That seems to be a (potentially) pretty steep price to pay to keep a relationship with him. I just don't want you triggered and hurt. Potentially triggered and hurt.

More positively:
I always favor the long, strategic view. Maintaining an appropriate relationship with him will allow the kids to have an important relationship with their Gfather. Without it being awkward and trigger for you. And your physical presence at the house sends the message to her loud and clear that it is your house. A "former tenant's" belongings are being removed for failure to abide by the terms of the "lease", and cheating the "landlord". I phrase it this way to frame it as a business transaction. Less trigger if you view it that way as well.

I'd like your sis to be there if possible. Not as a witness. As a united family front.

rambler posted 1/14/2018 11:11 AM

Can you have someone there as well.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/14/2018 12:37 PM

Sending support for you RD. I've read your thread and have to agree that you're moving in a good direction. I hope everything works out for you and the kids. Take care of yourself.

Holdfastdad posted 1/14/2018 12:50 PM

I can tell from your most recent response that you've changed a bit over the last few days, you seem very calm, collected, and best of all there seems to be a lot less anger in you post, I'm so very glad to see that. I like the part where you mentioned you seem to be "at peace" at times. I can relate to that as well, I feel like I'm also going to a place of peace, whether I'm going alone or with her.
Glad to see some progress for you RSD, you are doing great.
Please keep us all updated!
Stay strong bro!💪🏻

RockstarDad posted 1/14/2018 14:07 PM

My family doesnt live close so they arent a good option. Not stoked with the plan, really looked forward to doing it the other way, but he is uncomfortable as heck always has been decent to me. At some point she will start attending sporting events or school events (she hasnt done any simce dday) at which time I will have to find a way to coexist in the same room even if we are not directly communicating.

Its a 2 hour challenge and then taking the kids downhill tubing and ice skating.

RockstarDad posted 1/14/2018 14:08 PM

I like the landlord tenant view. Be nice when her junk is out of here.

TimelessLoss posted 1/14/2018 14:44 PM

Its a 2 hour challenge and then taking the kids downhill tubing and ice skating.
I like your style...a reward built in after you finish an obligation.

Bigger posted 1/14/2018 18:47 PM

Remember how I said you put on your vest at the start of every shift with no intention of getting shot?
Well… the recommendations we have made about having your friend there and being absent yourself are purely finding a solid vest. It’s all precautions. They might be unnecessary, but being careful won’t hurt you.
What we fear are accusations that you might have a tough time refuting. Things like you having been unreasonable, refused her to take her stuff, abusive, drunk… whatever.
You can do a couple of things to protect yourself:
Have ANYONE in your corner. Doesn’t have to be family. Heck… get another supervisor, your colleague or even the guy next door. Whatever. Just have someone sit there witnessing what’s going on.
If you can’t do that then at least record the whole proceedings. Do a quick search on wiretap laws in your state. Chances are you are OK if you right away let everyone know you are recording what is going on.

rambler posted 1/14/2018 18:49 PM

How about a video camera.

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