SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have not posted here in a while, but after a year of "knowing" that my wife cheated on me...she FINALLY admitted to it, the pain is as fresh as ever. In a nutshell, last year my wife began a sexual affair with my boss (and best friend). I discovered it by placing a GPS tracker, recorder, and by using my sleuth skills. He was fired from the workplace, but he left such a toxic atmosphere behind that I had to leave myself from that place. Finally, just a week ago, she turned to me and admitted to it all. She told me that she just ended the affair a few weeks ago. She told me that she regularly "serviced" him orally and manually (and in every other way) in multiple locations and times, and that she was not afraid of getting pregnant because he had a vasectomy. Obviously I am upset even further because STD's don't care about vasectomies...but she proceeded to tell me that he literally wanted me DEAD so he could marry my wife (he was going to divorce his own wife), he wanted my wife to get a tattoo on her body (which she was going to do, but did not) that reflected his "symbols", he was going to get a reverse-vasectomy to get her pregnant, and if they did not get married, he still wanted to get her pregnant so he could maintain some sort of connection with her, and I would unknowingly raise HIS child. This man is an alcoholic, a drug user, and he has had sex with multiple women (and one transvestite)....yet my wife still maintained an affair with him for over a year. And, what's worse still is that over the past year, my wife has literally kicked me out of my own house for some of our arguments, calling me a "bad man" and ripping on me for using a legal and unregulated herb called "kratom" - she thinks it's worse than any drug on earth. Well, her lover inhales kratom on a daily basis himself, but she literally kicked ME out for taking it every now and then for my anxiety. Well, here we are, and after all of this, I cannot deny that I still love my wife. She has apologized to me for it all and she swears she broke it off with him, and I know I will probably get a lot of criticism for this, but I have no intention of divorcing her. I love her. I'm heartbroken and devastated, but I believe in redemption and forgiveness, and she means the world to me. Any comments - positive or negative - are welcome. I'm still in shock and am still processing it all - there are so many horrible and sick details that I have not included in this post, but I will do so shortly.

Does his wife know?

Oh, yes, I forgot to say - I called and spoke with his wife and I told her absolutely EVERYTHING. She has the right to know, however, it horribly devastated her of course. I am not sure, but I do believe that she is divorcing him.

You teach people how to treat you. By not divorcing her, you are teaching her that you have no self respect and that she can cheat on you with impunity.

Your wife is a winner.

I appreciate the criticism - I mean, it is all still so fresh - only a week old, so to say I'm not taking any action is very premature. I'm only saying that I still love her deeply - that doesn't go away so quickly...I agree that we teach people how to treat us - that if we permit ourselves to be walked on then that is a serious problem. She knows how I feel and how this affects my heart, but no, I haven't taken action yet and as of right now I don't want to divorce her. Each situation is different, there are a million different situations and a million different types of people - mine is as unique as yours.

lawman1, I understand you want to forgive, but please, please don't sweep this under the rug.

IMO there's nothing worse than a WS having an A right under our noses AFTER DISCOVERY. It is the epitome of cruel and heartless.

How do you know she won't go down this path again?

When I found out about my WH A, I went Shock and Awe. ANY, and I mean ANY type of communication with his wh*re would have meant an immediate trip to the attorney's office.

You've experienced a double betrayal. I think you need to sit with the information for awhile, because I can guarantee you the anger and rage is on its way.

So sorry.

Hard for any of us to know if your wife is remorseful or not but you should be watching her closely now. You told his wife and she is divorcing him. Your WW may change her mind about ending the A and staying with you if he is free.

And you think she won't do it again because......?

This is the best rugsweeping I've ever heard of.

She's not wife material. But you obviously have self esteem issues, and she knows it. She knows she can do literally ANYTHING and as long as she says "Oops,my bad. Love you!", that you'll be there for her. Why on earth would you stay with someone that did all of these things to you? I've never asked anyone this on here bc it's so cliche, but where is your self respect?!

You post the most outrageous story and then say unequivocally that you will not give up this person. What do you THINK people are going to say to you about a “best friend”, a co-worker who cheats on you and WANTS YOU DEAD. Not to mention the idea of getting yourwife pregnant. He sounds mentally ill. She sounds mentally ill. You need to consider a RO because he might be truly inhinged.

Since you don’t appear yo want suggestions I guess I don’t have any.

Also, last week I texted the man and (being an attorney), I very carefully but very forcefully told him of the causes of action that I could sue him for...and he took it as a "threat" so HE called the police on ME! The police called me and said, "X is afraid you are going to beat him up..." well, I'm not violent, and I never threatened him with violence, and so I sent to the police officer my texts, and he actually told me, "You have done nothing illegal...in fact, between you and me, why HAVEN'T you kicked the sh*t out of him?" Well, I responded by sending to X a "litigation hold" letter to scare the crap out of him. Believe it or not, as "victims" of a WS, we do have legal causes of action - loss of consortium is one, but in many cases such as mine, defamation, and charges under the terroristic threat statute - he literally told my wife he wanted me dead. Well again, I'm still letting it "soak." You may be right, the anger is probably coming.

Man. I'm only a month out. Recognize how you feel will change. In the beginning (arguably I'm still at the begin.. but the initial days), I was 100% done. After a week or so (I left to cool off), I started to realize I wasn't ready to call it quits. Then I had a period where the pendulum swung from stay to go what felt like every 15 minutes. At a month in, I am leaning to R...I'm starting to accept that I can't really have any real idea at this point. It's still so fresh. I'm still feeling so many emotions. I don't feel ready to walk away by any means, so I'm here. Seeing how it goes. If I need to walk away, I know I will have done what I can to try to make it work and that's what I can live with. I'm stubborn and I meant my vows - I can't entertain leaving at this time. I hope I never do, but I am accepting that I might.

I know I'm so new, but I feel content knowing this: either way, *I* will be okay. If I stay, it will be because I believe my marriage is worth it and that we can get to a GOOD place again, not an okay place. And if I go, it will be because I worked my hardest but couldn't get to a place I feel truly good. Either way, I will be fine. I'm giving myself the freedom to NOT choose at this point. But to give my marriage what I can.

(I also thought I had it pretty sorted after a week or so. I'm sure in 6 months I will laugh at my current conviction. Ha.)

I DO want suggestions - like I said, I'm still in shock. And, I understand how all of this looks and sounds - like I don't have self respect. I do have self respect, but I understand how it sounds. I'm only explaining my INITIAL thoughts - I still love her, I don't want to divorce...but can that change? Of course, that's why I'm here. I invite criticism like I said in my initial post here - and yet, I want suggestions. Has anybody else felt that "divorce" isn't always the answer? Am I really the only one?

gtflng....Thank you. You really nailed it - you're right, in a few weeks or months or perhaps even days I may turn back at my current thoughts and laugh at myself as I'm sitting in my divorce attorney's office...but since it's so darn fresh a million emotions hit so hard at once and I'm still in shock. I am only saying that I love her and my initial thoughts did NOT include divorce, but I accept that may change....

Your story dounds like the tv series

Big Shots(tv series)

But in tv series one good thing was that the OM was dead.

First of all

Let me tell you one thing its not one week old

You are posting since 2017 so its not that new ok

Ask her to move out. Tell her that you need to be away from her to process the pain and heal. Just after DDay I told my WW to pack her crap and get out and she did. The eight months we were apart was a profitable time of healing for me. It allowed me to get my head together and judge from afar whether or not she was really feeling guilty and remorseful about what she did.

Not having my WW around kept me from triggering so much, and it made her miss me, which prompted her to work harder on herself to start fixing what was so messed up in her. She had to earn her way back home and back to a point where I was ready to give her a chance.

No, this is NEW. This may not make sense to any of you, but finding out by investigation is entirely different from finding out by your spouse ADMITTING it. I had no idea that it was still continuing, I had NO idea of the horrible details, I had no idea of his desire to "marry" my wife, I had no idea he wanted me DEAD...and a thousand other details. Yes, I "discovered" it in 2017, but then she knew I was digging so she buried her affair deeper. Again, learning about it on our own and final admission to my face are two completely different things to those who have experienced it.....

cannot deny that I still love my wife.

Are you sure it is her that you love? By "her" I mean the woman actually standing before you, and not the one you built a model of in your head.

She is revealing herself. Un-know her, drop the preconceptions, and really see her for who she is.

If what she did in any way, shape, or form surprised you at all, you didn't really know her.

Has anybody else felt that "divorce" isn't always the answer? Am I really the only one?

Lots of people on here have reconciled but what you'll find is that they all had a WS that wanted to reconcile. They had a WS that was remorseful for what she did. The WS was horrified at what they had done and willing to be NC with the OM. Willing to give over all of their electronics for monitoring. Willing to answer all questions. Etc.

Is your WW in this spot?

lawman1,

Trust me you are not the only one who hasn't immediately headed for the divorce court after discovering your spouse has been unfaithful. It's completely natural and acceptable to want to try to save your marriage if you still love your WW (wayward wife). I am only three months out from Dday and still go back and forth with my options. IT IS OKAY TO STAY if that's what you want. Your WW has disrespected you in the most heinous way possible, and as annb said, the anger is on it's way and it will probably bring about a lot more doubt than you currently feel. I am also glad you were able to inform The OM"S (other man) wife. My husband completely wiped his phone, so I never had access to his AP's (affair partner) spouse. It haunts me that her husband probably has no idea what a whore his wife is. Do you have kids?

I do have kids - I have 3 little ones and they are my world. That is a good point - do I love "her" (the woman I painted in my mind), or do I love "her" (who she REALLY is)...that is a very deep thought and I have not considered that...thank you. And again, yeah, things are still so fresh - I'm still in complete shock, so I'm certain my feelings will change.