SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by KnowOneSpecial at 7:10 PM, March 23rd (Friday)]

lawman1, I also wanted to say and you may already expect it since you have gone through a Dday already, but the wild swings in emotion will come. My God, I was an absolute mess, back and forth, wanting to get remarried, to hating her and spewing horrible things at her, to being so scared to lose her after she attempted suicide.

Experiencing all these emotions that seem to come and go, back and forth, all the time, is easily the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. When my WW came clean with me, it was difficult for me, mostly because of the continual lying, hiding, sneaking, etc., all while I was destroyed, vulnerable and trying to improve myself. How do you look at someone in that state and continue to lie to them.

Your wife has done awful things to you and your family. She needs to put more effort into repairing the damage she has done to you and your family than she did carrying on with your boss and "friend".

IMHO, you need to get strong, decisive, and be willing to boot her out in order to show her you can not be walked on. As someone mentioned, she thinks she can do whatever she wants, tell you it's all your fault, lie to you and then say sorry, my bad, you need to move on. You can own %50 or more of the martial problems, but none of the A. That is 100% on her.

We all have marriage problems, some more serious than others, but none of it excuses an A. Man up, tell her what you need from her, if she isn't willing, after the shit she has dragged you through, file for D and implement the 180.

[This message edited by Jameson1977 at 7:27 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

Did she admit th A cuz of the fact you might get killed and wanted no part of it or was it more of a "you can't blackmail me cuz I'm telling my husband everything"?

Clearly it had nothing to do with your feelings!

lawman,

Did she say why she decided to confirm it to you? Why do you think she confirmed it? She states the A ended a few weeks go. Did she tell you why?

I get why this hurts so much. I don't agree that you're knowing for a year somehow minimizes these new revelations. Whether this a the first Dday, Dday#2, or trickle truth based on the specific details, this is another punch to the gut.

You're going to get lots of advice about establishing boundaries and consequences for her. And that she is not worth your further investment unless she begins to exhibit remorse and her actions show that on a sustained basis. Literally for years. I asked those questions in the first paragraph to get insight into her motivations to come forward.

What is it that you feel you need from her for you to remain in the M? What are your thoughts about what she has to show you?

Does your state recognize post nup agreements? You should consider that form of personal financial protection.

I'm glad you got the truth. First step and hopefully more positives to follow. I wish you both well. This could be the start of something new. Maybe you both talk about everything in a better way now. She gets away from someone bad for her and hopefully sees you for your best qualities and you both work on your differences.

I hope she finds her happiness with you again. Great that she never got that tattoo or let herself be talked into something more serious like a baby. Good luck to both of you!

I have no intention of divorcing her. I love her. I'm heartbroken and devastated, but I believe in redemption and forgiveness, and she means the world to me.

Well then, case closed. Good luck.

This past year, were you separated or living together? Thinking back, were there any red flags you ignored?

Why the impromptu confession? More why did it suddenly end?

She needs to write a time line, and you need to poly. her, if you want to R. That's only if you want to R.

Who was getting ready to tell you? Was one of her friends fed up with her affair?

I would be more concerned with why confess now, it sounded like you had no clue. Unless she did get pregnant (may be the reverse V worked and she found out the hard way) or You currently have an STI you currently don't know about.

I have to agree with AffairofPast. Her "confession" raises a lot of questions. Along with the ones she listed, how do you know she broke off the A? Are you sure the OM didn't kick her to the curb? Other than her telling you that OM wanted you dead so he could take your place, is there any evidence of this? Did she share texts with you that show this? Can you verify any of the things she is telling you? Why did she start the A with OM? Did he pursue her or vice versa?

You have to remember that she is a liar. She has been lying to you for over a year.

Aside from the lying, and the A, she has also treated you like dirt for the last year, while she hid her A. Has she taken any steps to change her behavior and convince you that she can be in a stable relationship? Isn't it more likely that when OM lost his job, she figured he wouldn't be able to support her, so she jumped back to you (PLAN B)?

As others have said, you need to turn your focus on to the lying cheater you were married to. It seems to me that you want to assume that now that she wants you back, everything will be OK and you can move on and just make sure the OM is out of your life. That is a recipe for disaster.

I am glad she finally admitted it to you. It is sad that it took so long for her to do so. When I read your post questions started to jump in my mind. I am sorry for all the questions I will throw out. What made her decide to end the affair? What made her decide to tell you the truth now? Do you believe it is the full truth or do you think she left a lot out? Why does her OM want you dead? That is scary? So she had an affair with someone that wanted you dead and she knew this? Or is that new to her and that is why she ended the affair? And on top of that the AP wanted to get your wife pregnant? Was she going to let him or is that the reason the affair ended?

he wanted my wife to get a tattoo on her body (which she was going to do, but did not) that reflected his "symbols"

Is that for real? Your wife was completed under this guy's spell? Does she understand what she has done to you? The utter disrespect she has shown you? I am glad she did not do it but what made her change her mind to not do it?

…my wife has literally kicked me out of my own house for some of our arguments, calling me a "bad man" and ripping on me for using a legal and unregulated herb called "kratom" - she thinks it's worse than any drug on earth. Well, her lover inhales kratom on a daily basis himself, but she literally kicked ME out for taking it every now and then for my anxiety.

This is one of the things I hate more than anything. Why do the WS have to treat their BS so bad. Has she apologized for this? Did she say why she treated you like crap? She may have been hard on you because she saw what it did to the AP. But to be mean to you is hard to forgive. Is she showing regret? Remorse?

What you have to decide is really a hard decision. I think I would have to ask her to leave for a time. Tell her any contact with the AP and it is immediate divorce. Is she being transparent right now? Sharing everything and tell you everything? It would be hard to not simply say "we are going to divorce". Your story is heartbreaking.

Lawman

I’m glad you now have the truth. But having it does not make it any less painful than not having it. It just shifts things in your mind from “what may be” to “what is”.

So it’s ok to take your time. You don’t have to decide anything for a while. You don’t even have to put a timeframe on it.

But what I wouldn’t do is make any guarantees to your wife. And if you have, know that you have the right to revoke that guarantee at any time. It is very valid to say “I don’t know what the future holds for us, I’d like to try to work on this if you are willing to put your full heart into it. But what I do know is that if you cheat with him, including Even talking to him or any other man I don’t approve of I will start the process to end this marriage immediately”.

The truth is, you can get her to say almost anything right now, and her words will always be untrustworthy. But until you have a real plan, agreed to by both of you, of how to even try to reconcile, and you both work that plan, then you have nothing. Nothing but hope and prayer.

And Lawyerman, HOPE is not a strategy. Only hoping that she will be faithful from now on almost ensures she will do this again, with him or someone else.

So I’d recommend you put together your requirements for R. Run them by us for input and sanity check. Then present them to her. Tell her what’s non negotiable. And if she doesn’t agree then you have your answer.

At the same time get the D process to a point that at any time she can be served if things fall apart. Then work the R as long as that is what you want.

To me it’s really the only way to have a chance at success. Remember for all this time he was more her husband than you were. She ended the marriage. You did not. She did for him what she should have been giving to you. Don’t ever forget that.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 4:20 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

For those who remember my initial posts a year ago - yeah, there were a LOT of things that happened. Even though the guy (my former boss at a VERY highly reputable company that I guarantee you all have heard of) was fired, he left such a toxic atmosphere behind that I had to leave the company as well. I did kick my wife out of the house and she came crying and crawling back, swearing to me all was over and done with, but she still DENIED ever having sex with him. I knew the truth inside, but I tried to monitor her and I eventually let her back in the home - I placed a GPS tracker on her car without her knowing, and I checked it every day - there was no "odd" or weird travels or destinations. I checked phone records - there were no odd or weird numbers. But, as we know, the more you dig, the deeper they bury themselves. I was once again duped when she blindsided me a week ago, admitting to everything. It hurts so bad because I love her - those feelings don't just go away so quickly. But they ARE fading. I'll admit I'm too trusting - I can't deny that. I did hire my coworker attorney to initiate the divorce last year but I believed my wife that she was sorry. Now that I know that she kept up the affair for a whole year, it's as fresh as ever and I'm going through the same feelings I did last year: I still love her, but you're ALL correct, she obviously has no respect for me notwithstanding her statements to the contrary. Since last night - reading all of y'all's posts, I have decided to go see my attorney once again to consider my options. Obviously ALL of us here have experienced some betrayal - and ALL of us have, right after the "revelation," experienced VERY volatile emotions, each of them unique nevertheless. It's just so hard to believe this has happened to me - I'm still in shock, but I'm coming out of it. I don't want a divorce, but I am beginning to see that there may be no option for reconciliation. Please know that not "wanting" a divorce does not mean it won't happen. I'm sure NONE of us "wanted" a divorce, but it became the only necessary solution. To be sure, I was deceived TWICE, not just once. This is a fresh wound, and right now I'm working very hard to find the proper treatment - I may have found it.

Looks like we may have cross posted so wanted to make sure you saw my post above yours.

As for your comments, you are a smart man. You know reality and all that it entails. Have people Reconciled from worse, yes. Have people divorced for less, yes.

You can try R, but be realistic and don’t compromise what you need to be happy. You have the right to be demanding here. You can only control your side. So start controlling it and find your path, what ever it ends up being, out of this pain.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:38 PM, March 13th (Tuesday)]

All, I cannot express enough how grateful I am for all y'all's advice - criticism included, and wonderful support. I know some of y'all are being quite harsh with me - that's perfectly ok and much appreciated because right now, I'm "inside the box," and you all are "outside." This lends a much needed perspective that is hard for any person in the situation we find ourselves. That's why we're here, isn't it? Agreed I do not want to make any rash decisions - or decisions that are made within the horrible emotions that closely follow a revelation. I'm seeing my attorney friend to help me understand my options (for myself, I am NOT a family law attorney - for good reason) and help me to think legally regarding this situation, and not just emotionally. We all thought we had a great family, haven't we? We all thought this could never happen to our great family, right? Well it did - that is why we are all here. The RIGHT decisions need to be made, not just ones that guarantee the WS will feel the pain we feel, nor for reasons of revenge. Yes, reconciliation is always possible - and in fact, in my religion it is truly encouraged (I'm a Mormon, "sealed" in the temple...).

Hang in there Lawman.

You have a lot to deal with, and I'm hoping and praying that you find the wisdom and strength to do what's best for you and your family (whichever direction that takes you).

Lawman,

I know how you feel, especially you still love your wife. Alot of people will say leave her this and that, only you know how you feel about your wife and in time you will know. They say within 5 years of a affair, 70% will end in divorce because the other party can't get it out of there mind.

Made me laugh when he called cops on you, made me think of me, my wife is a cop and had a affair with another cop, I waited 3 weeks till day after Xmas to confront her, why because of my kids. I did keep close eye on her to make sure she didn't meet him. But when I called him he said don't threaten me, I said please ok I will call internal affairs, he got quiet.

To this day I struggle but I'm trying for my kids sake. I was not a angel and treated her wrong but a affair is not the answer.

Stay strong , see a counselor and talk, it helped me tremendous. Good luck my friend.

why do people still 'love their wife' after their wife does something this evil to them ???

Maybe you need to find your backbone and push this woman out of your house, the same way she did to you.

Dude, read your first post.

If some woman did that to your best friend, what would you tell your friend ???

Why do you just gloss over this with a "I still love her' comment.

F that. Hate her and find true love somewhere else because she isn't it , man

Dude post more

About your wife

What is she doing to help yourself.

What is she telling you and other things.

What about transparency??

There are lines you step over.

The flirting. Step

The escalation at the point where you both know where you both heading. Step

The consummation. Step.

All of these are "normal" in affairs, but then when your lover wants your spouse dead, wants to claim you mind body and soul and you actually still f*ck them.

That's not a lack or respect or morals. That's sociopathy.

TrenOR01 nailed it. I was thinking the same thing but failed to mention it in my post. Affairs are one thing. But staying in the A when the AP says this is a whole other level. Aside from having no care about you, she should be considering how this would affect your kids. That is something you cannot ignore.

Did your WW tell you she maintained contact with

the OM for this last year?