"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Buster123 posted 12/4/2018 16:17 PM

Ok good, in the meantime see if your friend is available to watch her at the gym, try to act normal so that she lets her guard down, watch out for GNOs (Girls Night Outs), or "I'm going to see my friend/sister/mom or go shopping etc, that's why you need a GPS tracker/app and of course the VARs (get them at Walmart), she's going to want to go out now that she's off work.

Robert22205https posted 12/4/2018 21:20 PM

Sounds like she was meeting someone at the bar...or waiting for a coworker to finish their shift.

Bigger posted 12/5/2018 10:52 AM

Don’t look for evidence to support your suspicion. If you do that there is a risk of making “evidence” support your predefined conclusion. Look for evidence to understand what’s going on.

I have seen too many cases here on SI where everyone is so keen on finding infidelity. If your wife changes perfume, it’s infidelity. If she exercises, it’s infidelity. If there is no sex it’s infidelity. If there is too much sex it’s infidelity. Buys new clothes it’s infidelity. Doesn’t care about her appearance… infidelity.

There is a major difference in only searching for infidelity as opposed to searching for what might be wrong in your marriage or what might be going on in your wife’s life. I’m not suggesting or implying it’s not infidelity – I am totally open for that being what’s going on. But if you only focus on infidelity you might miss out other factors that can be damaging your marriage.

Even if the possible OM is her gym-buddy or the bartender where she works then it’s highly unlikely that they will have sex in the lost-and-found at the gym or behind the beer-kegs at work. Affairs are all about secrets. If she’s cheating she probably thinks nobody knows. They probably both do. So their private conversations will be secret and done in conditions they think they are safe to talk in. Go back to my post regarding her car and a VAR.

twisted posted 12/7/2018 09:09 AM

Gamer, checking in with you. Any results or progress?

Marriagesucks posted 12/7/2018 10:51 AM

She came home two hours late.

There it is...a giant screaming red flag. Is she normally late after a shift? Any excuse about being late getting home? Also how well do you know this good friend of yours that uses the same gym as your wife? This forum is riddled with tales from the crypt of double betrayals. A well placed VAR or two will probably get you some answers in a week or so.

CatsEye posted 12/7/2018 11:21 AM

Did anyone at all warn you that planting voice-activated recorders in someone's car and downloading apps onto their phone might be ILLEGAL?

If you already have a felony on your record, it is even more important for you than for others to make sure that such steps are legal where you live before you take them.

Please don't get yourself in further trouble over this.

Best of luck.

Broken5152 posted 12/7/2018 12:03 PM

Gamer, you can always pick up a Tile - these are location trackers, using bluetooth to keep location.

ICaughtThem posted 12/7/2018 12:45 PM

Did anyone at all warn you that planting voice-activated recorders in someone's car and downloading apps onto their phone might be ILLEGAL?

If you already have a felony on your record, it is even more important for you than for others to make sure that such steps are legal where you live before you take them.

Please don't get yourself in further trouble over this.

The odds of this are slim to none. You aren't looking for evidence that is admissible in court, since most states are no-fault for divorce. You just need to know for yourself. Never reveal your sources.

Besides, you should ALWAYS have a VAR on your person to record all conversations with your WW. This protects you against false Domestic Violence (DV) claims. That happens more than you would imagine.

GamerJoe posted 12/7/2018 14:56 PM

I haven't put any recording device in her car for the reason it is illegal in my state and with a record, I just don't want to risk going to jail. But it is a good idea for my protection to have one on me, because again with a criminal record, they would never believe me if I"m falsy accused without proof.

My friend has gone to the gym once again, and this time he didn't see her with anyone else. Tonight I asked her if she wanted to spend some time at home, watch a movie or something instead of working late. Surprisingly she said yeah because I was expecting her especially with it being a Friday night to stay past ten for the money. I'm starting to doubt anything suspicious is going on, and it's just my own insecurities.

Buster123 posted 12/7/2018 22:22 PM

Stay vigilant, cheaters don't necessarily see each other every single day, this could be to throw you off the scent, did you ask her why she was TWO HOURS late the other night ?

Broken5152 posted 12/8/2018 07:59 AM

<removed>

[This message edited by Broken5152 at 9:00 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

Bigger posted 12/10/2018 09:53 AM

I don’t think anyone was suggesting you engrave your name on a VAR or get the bright neon-orange version with the flashing lights.

Do you ever use your wife’s car? How about “borrowing” it because there is a clunky noise in your car?..?...?

Just open the hood of your car, tell your wife you need to get to the spare-parts store and get a whatchamacallit because everyone knows an old whatchamacallit can wreck the thingamajig and since you have already removed your cars whatchamacallit you really need to get one ASAP. It will only take 30 minutes and you will have her car back in good time for her to get to the gym/work. Only “forget” your smartphone where it “fell” onto the floor under the passenger seat with all notifications off and recording on. Should last for a couple of hours…
Heck… You can even call her at work, tell her you think you lost your phone in her car and go pick it up. Or even just drop by at her work unexpected to get her keys to find your “lost” phone.

And if she asks then the spare-parts guy told you your whatchamacallit was working fine and only needed a pin straightened out… (pull a fuse, a spark-plug or some cable…)

You aren’t looking for court-admissible evidence. Nor – if you are smart – would you ever confront your wife with the direct evidence you might pick up. All you need is enough to convince you there is an affair going on OR that there isn’t an affair. IF she’s cheating then it’s not as if she will deny unless you have video-tape of her in the act. All you need is that YOU are convinced – one way or the other.

Frankly I haven’t seen anyone offer a better solution. Your wife meeting a man who happened to use the treadmill next to the one she used is clear infidelity. The fact he wasn’t around next time she went to the gym just proves he’s the one… Go figure the logic in that…

GamerJoe posted 12/23/2018 00:28 AM

It took nearly the whole month, but I think I found something. I saw her on two occasions talking briefly with another bartender outside her work. They were laughing and he touched her on the shoulder. She was smiling. This doesn't prove she's cheating, but it's enough for me that she is friendly. I just don't know what to do with this. I've been sleuthing, looking for any evidence I can find, but nothing.

faithfulman posted 12/23/2018 01:20 AM

If your wife is cheating she will make mistakes - they all do.

1) Have you checked the phone bill?

2) Did you install find my phone and monitor her whereabouts during a "late episode"?

3) If you can get a hold of her phone you can run recovery software on it to see if she deleting texts or using cheater apps, or has pictures or videos that were deleted - and more. Dr. Fone is popular but in my experience Fonelab is much better.

4) Did you check to see if she was texting any strange numbers or anybody under a female name but not having female conversations?

5) Can you access her email, social media accounts, Facebook private messages?

I hope your suspicions are incorrect!

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:20 AM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

GamerJoe posted 12/23/2018 02:27 AM

I've been sleuthing for most of the month. My wife isn't tech savvy. So I had checked the phone bills, I have run recovery software and nothing. I've checked our financials and no evidence of any misusage of money. At home, she isn't glued to her phone. She doesn't log out of her email or Facebook on her phone so I had checked a few times and nothing. The only thing I didn't do and I checked my state laws is, put VAR into her car. It's illegal and if I get caught, and she wants to be vindictive, I don't think she would, but I didn't want to chance it as I do have a felony on my record and that'd land me in jail, so got to be careful. So really my theory is, she may not be in an active affair right now, but she may be grooming herself to start one. Two times with the same guy, seemed a little too close for my comfort, but still doesn't explain anything. She is an extrovert, so it could just her being friendly. I really need more to go on.

Buster123 posted 12/23/2018 04:15 AM

If you don't think she will press charges on you if she finds it, get the VAR, test it, silence any beep and cover any lights on it then put it in her car. Stay vigilant with an open mind, she may not be necessarily cheating, but if you feel that she may be "grooming herself" to doing, stay vigilant, it could also be an EA (Emotional Affair), or nothing at all. If you put the VAR in her car and continue to monitor her like you've been doing and still find nothing within a couple of months, then she's not cheating.

ShutterHappy posted 12/23/2018 08:30 AM

Can you get a PI to install and monitor the VAR for you?

Jduff posted 12/23/2018 10:33 AM

Completely understandable that you do not want to place a VAR in her car for the reason you stated. I like ShutterHappy's suggestion on getting a PI involved. If anyone is going to know how to install one correctly and securely with regard to laws in your state, it would be a PI. At least talk to one to get a feel on whether it is a low risk move. If the PI tells you "Oh no, we NEVER use VARs! Too illegal!" Then thats confirmation for you of your own risk level.

But, you said your wife isn't tech savy, correct? Would she even recognize a VAR if she saw one? Maybe you can disguise the VAR to make it look like a small digital ODBII scanner. Get a label maker and print some stickers labeled like "Scan" for record button, "Store" for the stop button, print the brand name also in case she Googles it up she'll see it is a maker if ODB scanners. There's probably a headphone jack on the VAR you can use to plug in a cheap set of head phones but cut short the wires and chuck the earbuds. Make it look like the serial connector was damaged. You'll want to insert the plug anyway since it would mute the VAR of any accidental play back sounds.

Then insert the VAR into the car per PI's instructions. If your wife somehow did find the VAR you can just tell her "Holy crap I thought I lost my ODBII scanner!!! Where was it? Under the seat? It must have fallen out of my pocket and rolled under there when I took your car to the parts store that day! Oh, thank God you found it for me, hon!" These things are expensive!"

Also, when it comes time to pull the VAR and your wife catches you and ask what you are doing in her car, you can also say "oh, I was just looking for my ODBII scanner and thought I might have left it in your car when I went out to get parts for my car..(waving VAR in air)..and I found it!"

Just know that to cheaters, their own cars are perceived to be the safest place to have secret conversations. If your wife doesn't do a whole lot with her phone with chat apps and texting as evidence in your phone bill then conversations are likely being held in her car and in person with the AP or friends in the know of an affair.

Now that you've raised suspicion she's probably just backing off the inappropriate friendship of whomever it is she's toying with on that slippery slope. You want to find something, whether there is or is not anything going on it will require a little patience. Be eyes wide open to observe and take notes. Relax at home and with her so she falls back into habit. Then, see if she feels it is safe to go out earlier or stay late again, all dressed up as she did before.

This make take a couple of weeks to a couple of months. In that time you should consider seeing a divorce attorney NOT to file now but to prepare yourself in the event that is necessary. Now is the time to be fully knowledgable with your options should you find that she is in an affair. There is a ton of info in the healing library to get you prepared, either for D or R. The best place you want to be if indeed you have solid proof of an affair is to be well informed of a likely outcome in a divorce, well informed of typical wayward behavior (cheater's script) up on exposure, and well informed on identifying regret from remorse from her upon exposure. Most of all, you will have time to contemplate what would be a dealbreaker for you. Is a PA or even an EA too far you to deal with? Would you consider R if she moved mountains too help you heal?

I hope that you find out that all along she is just adjusting to you being home more. I hope she is dressing up to show off to you the progress at the gym. I just find it odd that she would do this after you two argue. When my wife and I argue she changes into her pajama pants, grabs something to eat and watches greys anatomy or Outlander to calm down.

Just a thought, maybe you get the book "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and invite her to read it with you. That might give you a some indicator as to where her head and heart is at with the marriage. Cheaters don't like to read relationship improvement books because they think:

The problem is not with them, it is with their partner (as their own rationalizations to cheat have convinced them)

They like the relationship just the way it is - you to be comfort and convenience while my AP for romance and excitement. "I've got my cake. It's not my fault you dont have yours."

That book is like a mirror. Its going to tell them exactly what they dont want confirmed, that what they are doing is wrong...but this affair feels so right...

They are more reasons but you get the drift. If the relationship is not worth it to them it is not worth spending time to invest in, no matter the reasons.

Thus, I think her opting to spend time with you is a good thing. Keep up the invites and bring that book into conversation. You may not get anything on the VAR but you'll get some feedback on her willing engagements with you.

ShutterHappy posted 12/23/2018 10:58 AM

Additionally, I haven’t seen any big red flags so far, so I’m still rooting (hoping?) for the “false alarm” scenario.

I know others will disagree but that’s ok, a variety of opinions is healthy.

I hope it will turn out well for you.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 10:59 AM, December 23rd (Sunday)]

Marriagesucks posted 12/23/2018 17:39 PM

Have you searched for a burner phone? Some phones will take 2 sim cards. One sim could be used for normal calls and the other could be used for something else... lets say a little more scandalous. As electronics get more sophisticated so do cheaters in their efforts.