SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

director23 posted 1/13/2019 16:26 PM

Hello and thanks ahead of time for any and all in put given. I never even knew this site existed, but it has already started to help me.

I am 29, bday yesterday, and wife 26, bday in a few weeks. On Thursday around 2pm my wife calls me at work and asks me to come home. I can tell she is crying when the conversation ends. I get home and go back to our bedroom and she tells me to sit down and just listen. She tells me she hasn't been faithful and has had an affair. I begin to ask questions and end up finding out it is with a co-worker. She works for her parents in a small HVAC and plumbing company in the office. Op is a tech that is 23. Find out it wasn't just a few times, but she essentially had a full on relationship with him for months.

We have a 2 year old son, and she is also pregnant. Through further conversation, I find out that while we were trying to get pregnant with our second, she was also sleeping with him, one week between him and I actually. The op wanted to be sure baby wasn't his so they had a non intrusive paternity test, and he was a match meaning baby is his. Wife is 5 months pregnant. Our 3 year anniversary also occurred around the timeframe she got pregnant.

She wants to stay married. I am a Catholic and am not for abortion and neither is she. But she has said she will not be with him even if I choose to divorce. We have talked through a lot, and I am planning to not talk about it for a few days, but tomorrow I plan to talk to a lawyer and verify options.

At this point I want her out. Want the house. Want my son. And want her to suffer from the immense embarrassment of her doings. I cannot see myself raising someone else's child, and even if it is mine, I cannot ever trust her or be married to someone that has done something like this.

This will definitely be a rollercoaster. And I know I have to talk to a professional to work through this.

paboy posted 1/13/2019 16:47 PM

Welcome to the club that no one wants to be a member of.

Firstly lets give you some help aids to get you through this.

In the left hand corner of this page is a yellow box with a a variety of information and help tools.

The Healing Library is a good place to start. Click on there. In the next portal, on the top of the page are a few options. The 'Articles' and 'Books' are available to help.

Initially you are going to be very traumatized. It is essential that you eat and sleep. Eat protein bars/shakes if that is all you can do. You may need to see your Doctor if you need assistance to sleep. Drink minimal alcohol, and exercising is also very helpful.

You both need to have an STD test asap. Ensure that you site her results on return.

The goal at this point is to get you out of infidelity. People will shortly respond with their perspective and experiences on how they achieved this. Take whats best for you.

Hoping this helps

Cooley2here posted 1/13/2019 16:48 PM

I am so sorry you are here but you will have so much support. You will also read many different opinions. Use what you need and leave the rest.
Give yourself time to calm down. Don’t use alcohol or any illegal drugs to get relief. Get your visit with lawyer first and then give yourself time to breathe. The lawyer can tell you whether you will be considered the father. Some states assume you are if you are still married.
Talk to a doctor about how accurate the test is. If it is your child you need to stay in his/her life. The child is innocent.

Marz posted 1/13/2019 16:55 PM

You're young it's not the end of your world.

She will get 50/50 custody of your son.

Only been married a short time the asset split will probably be 50/50 on anything you acquired after the marriage.

Don't set your expectations too high.

Right now your wife is in self preservation mode. You've only been married a short time. She destroyed your marriage but now wants it?

It takes a lot of time and planning to carry on an affair for a large part of your marriage. This is part of who she is.

You are smart to get to an attorney ASAP. Sounds like the other man will have paternity rights. He will be in your wife's life forever and if you stay with her in yours as well.

You don't have any reasonable solution here unfortunately. Your wife and her boyfriend have determined that.

Marz posted 1/13/2019 16:57 PM

My advice. The faster you move the better.

Go into a hard 180 no contact. There is an article on it in the healing library.

You're young. Get away from this mess ASAP.

firenze posted 1/13/2019 17:01 PM

Even if neither of you believes in abortion, you can still demand that she give the child up for adoption.

fareast posted 1/13/2019 17:30 PM

director23:

Sorry you find yourself here. You are still in shock. Take care of yourself for your child. Eat healthy, exercise, stay away from alcohol and drugs. See an attorney to learn your rights. As you have indicated a desire to D, get your ducks in a row after meeting with your attorney and have her served. You are still young and have a full life ahead of you to build with your son. Marz has given you good advice. It would be very difficult to ever regain trust in your WW. This should be the honeymoon phase of your M, and she is already cheating. Read and implement the 180 to help you detach and think more clearly. Strength to you.

If her AP is M expose to his W or gf. Since she was cheating while working for her parents business, expose to her family and your family as well.

Marauder posted 1/13/2019 17:30 PM

Hello OP, first of all, a few questions for you. Do you think she would've told you if she hadn't found out this was his child, she has had an ongoing affair with him for at the very least five months and only told you after she found out the child is not yours, which you might've found out about at any point. Hell, do you know if he is the same ethnicity as you two? Otherwise, it might've come out as soon as she gave birth!

You do realize your wife didn't simply cheat, she had a long term affair with this guy. She risked getting pregnant by him and exposing you to STDs. The former which happened, the later which might've happened. You're only married for a short time and she's already doing things like this, there is no way you can trust her going forward ever again. Worse you'll have a constant reminder of her infidelity around. Heck, you might want to get a paternity test for the two-year-old too just to be on the safe side.

I am a Catholic

Want to take a bet. I'd almost say she was banking on this. She knows you're Catholic, she knows you're anti-abortion and many Catholics are also against divorce. There's a good chance she hoped you'd get over it, stick it out for the child and raise the OMs child to boot. Heck for all you know, the reason she came to you is that the OM told her in no uncertain terms he has no interest in the child and her beyond a physical affair.

Unbroken78 posted 1/13/2019 17:43 PM

There are some hard realities that you need to wrap your head around. Make a list of them and read it when you get confused.

1. Your marriage is dead. This will hurt. It will hurt more if you don't go ahead and greive it and get that process of acceptance done. You can't save it or fix it. It's gone. She killed it.

2. You can get payback for # 1 and you should. Man to man, there is karmic justice that is demanded by honor. Men will suffer for life is there is no karmic justice. Seek yours in your way and visit it coldly.

3. You love your son. Don't let this be a prison that keeps you in a lie of a marriage. Your son and your marriage are separate things. Your WW will try to hand tightly to your son in order to keep you and the M. Mentally and physically keep the M and your son separate.

4. The baby is not yours. It is 100% not your problem. Your WW will try to entangle you in the pregnancy. Shut that shit down.

5. BIG- Line out what is and is not your problem. Her problems are hers. Write her problems out of your life. You will suffer badly if you try to "fix" her or her problems. Cold indifference is the solution to the "not your problems".

6. If you consider staying in the M...understand that she didn't just betray you. She made a baby with another man, cucked you in the most vile way, and then let you believe that the baby was yours. You are assuming your current son is yours...DNA test now. That's 100% not forgivable in my book. The new baby will be a perpetual reminder of the cheating...he is not your son and will be the daily reminder of another man violating your wife.

7. On the plus side...you are young enough to eject and find true and faithful marriage. Even God gave 1 reason for legitimate divorce and your wife did exactly what God said you could divorce for. Understand that the modern "church" is very feelings based and will try to shame you into being cucked...and raising another man's baby. That's going to be their position. They 100% try to shame men into "loving her as God loves her"...blanket forgiveness...and when she does it again, they will walk away from you like you are covered in poop. God wrote a book on life...and it is clear on the topic of Adultery. Read it for yourself and you will see that God himself authorized divorce on the basis of adultery. Church or no Church...God spoke to this directly. God never said to be cucked or cheated on.

Last- Don't pain shop this. You know enough to make up your mind. Handle the business and get it done. Drawing it out, doing the emotional "why why why" dance will only draw out the pain. Rip the bandaid off and D the cheater so that the baby doesn't end up being listed as yours in court. If she isn't served prior to the birth, many states automatically assign paternity to the married partner...and with that comes child support.

Drop papers on her, divide your assets, seek full custody, pay a good lawyer...and move on with life.

Sucks, but that's life. Win at that game.

Unbroken78 posted 1/13/2019 17:44 PM

One last thing...

WTF...her Parents?

Time for a no shit talk with "dad and mom" on this one.

That's some serious WTF is wrong with you people kinda talk. Zero sympathy or friendly feelings at that point. They had to know and didn't stop it, didn't fire the guy, and didn't alert you.

That's a double level betrayal.

HardenMyHeart posted 1/13/2019 17:59 PM

I have nothing to add to the great advice you have been given, other than a reminder to get the STD testing done ASAP and talk to the lawyer before doing anything brash.

I am very sorry you have to go through this.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 6:00 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

rambler posted 1/13/2019 18:02 PM

Speak with the attorney. In some states OM has rights. In addition not only did your wife cheat. She gave OM options she did not give you.

director23 posted 1/13/2019 18:20 PM

Thanks for the comments. When she was 8 weeks she did have the usual blood work completed for the pregnancy test results came back that she actually had chlamydia. She was upfront and the doctor questioned whether or not one of us was being dishonest, she explained there's no possible reason for that but the doctor did recommend me to get tested and I came back negative. The doctor said sometimes test give false negatives and we left it at that. that was one thing that was confirmed in our conversation since finding out was that it's obvious that she did have chlamydia and where it came from is now known. Her parents are going to be just as upset if not more than potentially myself they just went through a bad divorce with their middle child we have a great relationship and their world is going to be rocked. I would be over there now telling them but they left yesterday for a cruise and will be back next week.I remember everything that she told me and they both of us actually took extreme care to ensure that their secret would not be found out. She did say that if the test would have came back that the other person was not the father she did tell me that she most likely would have never told me and it's very likely that I never would have found out. We are both similar build exact races so it's very unlikely that I would have been able to tell that it wasn't mine.

hatefulnow posted 1/13/2019 18:23 PM

Director,

Like the others I am sorry you find yourself here.

You are making the right move to get an attorney's advice. I'm a Catholic, but divorced. If it's a concern for you, talk to your Priest and get advice on the divorce or anullment procedure. I am only nominal, so not an expert, but there are ways. Also, I suggest you immediately tell her family or better yet tell them together. OM will robably be fired and blackballed. Serves him right.

I cannot stress the danger of playing the pick me game. Don't, like so many here have done, jump right into reconcilliation mode. It almost never pays off. There is probably more to the story than what she's telling you and I agree with previous posters about the calousness of her actions. You're trying to get pregnant and she's screwing another guy? Really?

Also, most waywards in my opinion are cowards. She only told you because of the likelyhood you'd find out otherwise, whch to me signifies as someone stated this OM may be a different race. No doubt in my mind if this guy resembled you, she'd try to pass it off as yours.

Look at the millionare with 3 grown 'sons' who found out he was sterile from birth. I am going through a somewhat different, but to me, equally catastrophic situation as he.

Anyway, welcome. You're in for a long rough ride, but you're young, entering your prime. It will get better. I promise.

Marz posted 1/13/2019 18:27 PM

You maybe right about her parents but she is their daughter so don't be surprised at their reaction.

You may get the stay for your son speech from them.

It will be for their daughters sake not yours.

Good luck for what you are about to go through.

hansvoleman posted 1/13/2019 18:54 PM

Sorry to see you here, Director. I'm not Catholic and had no kids BUT I did find myself in the position where my new marriage was pulled apart by my ex wife and one of the family in the small and growing business we all worked for.

Two things about this aspect of your situation worth considering:

- No-one in the business will have missed the nature of his and her relationship including her parents. Quite a few might even have enabled it. Those that didn't will hate the fact that the bosses show themselves to be less than straight and start wondering what the company might do to them.

- I also found that the family desire to 'make this go away so we can all get back to work' was a mask for the fact that the business had a strong local reputation that could be trashed by the very questionable choices made by the owning family. In reality no one in your locality may give a tinkers cuss that the people fixing the plumbing are less than honest but while this is so new, her parents will be concerned about it.

As this was a little local company there was no financial advantage to be had but my lawyer grasped the power of these two fears and used them ruthlessly. I got the house, an admission of adultery to speed the divorce and amusingly while I never said a word my work colleagues made sure her career hit the rocks.

Your story triggered me because I remembered that 'We must talk' conversation that told me my short marriage was pretty much a lie. I have still not experienced anything so soul destroying since. Please look after yourself as wiser posters have suggested and remember you are not alone in this.

nscale56 posted 1/13/2019 18:56 PM

[This message edited by nscale56 at 2:36 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

hatefulnow posted 1/13/2019 18:58 PM

Okay, my last post about the possible racial difference was entered after your last post. I still believe as you state she wouldn't have tol you, but I don't buy her reason.

I'm going to suggest, if you're firm on divorce, string her along. Let her believe she may have a chance at reconcilliation IF she meets certain criteria. You pick those. Being in save her ass mode, she'll pick the path of least resistance. If you go hard, you risk the possibility of a long, expensive process and even though you get along well with the in-laws, SHE is their daughter. I'm not saying forgive. Just hold out the possibility until you've got every duck in a row. THEN drop the bomb.

Buster123 posted 1/13/2019 18:59 PM

Run for the hills, she confirmed she would have never told you about the A if the child was OM's, meaning the A would still be ongoing now (it may even continue or resume in the future), cut your losses now and avoid years of heartbreak and infidelity, she exposed you to potentially deadly STDs, stop playing russian roulette with her, EXPOSE her to all relative and close friends.

Edited to add: I recommend you DNA your son just to make sure, for all you know she could have been cheating with the same or different OMs during your entire relationship.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:01 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

SpaceGhost0007 posted 1/13/2019 19:27 PM

Sorry for being part of the club no one wants to be part of. I am so sorry what a horrible betrayal of you and your family.

Get a good lawyer and let her leave and face the consequences of her actions. Let her and the other man figure out how to pay for the new child. They will probably get together but not your problem.

Again, sorry this happened to you and don’t hold her secrets.