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Beyond devastated

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Ladybugmaam posted 2/26/2019 10:53 AM

Never thought I'd be a member of this club after 23 years of what I thought was a happy marriage. OW's husband reached out with me with written evidence after months of me confronting them with suspisions....only to be poopoo-ed that it was just athetic training. My gut was telling me one thing for the better part of a year and when I call him on it, he denied. But, always as divorce being the option. As it's come clean, he doesn't know what he wants to do. We have a son....and 23 years of marriage. I met with her several times....and she repeatedly told me that she had nothing but respect for my marriage vows and hers....while screwing my husband. I don't know what to do.

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 11:15 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

1Faith posted 2/26/2019 11:18 AM

((( Ladybugmaam )))

I am so sorry that you are here and that you are hurting. Infidelity is a pain like no other.

Please know that where we wish you hadn't had to find SI, now that you are here know you are in a safe place.

Unfortunately we know your pain, we know the uncertainty that you are struggling with.

Please head up to the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner and read all you can.

Read other's posts and know you are not alone.

It takes time to process that this has happened to your life, to your marriage and to your family.

One day and one step at a time.

(((hugs and prayers)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:19 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

manofintegrity posted 2/26/2019 11:20 AM

Most men rarely stop because there are usually no consequences. If he really wants to change you will see no contact and true remorse. He will allow whatever you want to make you feel safe to build trust again. I would do some searching too. Men like the POSOM preacher in my case had several. They like to stage them so that they always have one in the ďI can call for a 10 minute hookupĒ stage. No secrets in your marriage from here on out, total transparency, tracking up to you. Good luck.

whodidimarry posted 2/26/2019 12:13 PM

Hi ladybug. I'm so sorry that you are here. Infidelity is truly awful and one of the hardest things that you will survive. But you will survive. All of us here giving advice have lived through it and thrived (regardless of the outcome of our marriages).

First things first. Make sure you are taking care of yourself, eating, drinking, exercising, mindfulness exercises, resting...etc. Second, reach out to people, close friends, family. You need support at this time.

Head up to the healing library at the top left corner. There are some articles for you to read. There's great wisdom and advice there.

We're here for you.

beenthereinco posted 2/26/2019 13:11 PM

If he says he doesn't know what he wants to do then he is kind of making a choice isn't he? I'm sorry but after 23 years what is he waiting for? My guess is to see if the OW will leave her husband and they can make this work. I am truly sorry. I think the best thing for you to do at this point is to read the 180 in the Healing Library at the top left and follow/live it.

Also go see an attorney ASAP (or a few) and get yourself educated on what divorce would look like for you financially. This is not filing but you need to get comfortable with what your reality could be and removing some of the unknowns will help you feel a little more in control.

The1stWife posted 2/26/2019 13:57 PM

He doesnít know what he wants?

What the hell is that an option for him? Right now what do YOU want? Is he able to give you what you want?

If he is not remorseful- there is a strong likelihood reconciliation will not work. If he is not 100% invested in the marriage - you have nothing to work with.

But I can tell you that the stronger YOU get a d start to move away from him - you will see him very differently. The blinders are off. And you may decide not to Reconcile with him.

I suggest a plan B for you. Just in case.

I also suggest a counselor for you. Someone to support you.

FYI my H ďknewĒ he wanted a D ftom me. And told me on DDay2 he was Divorcing me. And then I told him I was Divorcing him and did the 180 and was executingbon my plan B. I had no options. After 6 months I wasnít willing to go on with his cheating.

It was like a bucket of cold water on his head. He snapped out of the Affair right then and there.

paboy posted 2/26/2019 17:19 PM

This has been going in front of you for awhile. You knew something was up but couldnt put your finger on it. Emotional scarring is occurring. You didnt deserve any of this.

On the top hand corner, in the yellowbox, is the healing library. Click into it,and you'll see BS FAQ(bereaved spouse frequently asked questions). Click in there and you will find alot of information to help you. On top of that page also is articles and books for you to read. There is a also a rotated posting on page 3 of this forum(Just Found Out) called 'Understanding the 180'.. Now this is a must for you to read.. The 180 for you right now is most importent. In essence it helps you to detach emotionally so that you are more able to see and act more clearly without your emotions hindering your thoughts. A must for you right now.
Your goal..To get out of infidelity..

paboy posted 2/26/2019 18:26 PM

There are a couple of other generic advice I need to inform you of.

Firstly alot of people will post with different opinions, and experiances. You are more aware of your situation then us. The general rule'take what you need and leave the rest'.

Secound. There is a strong opinion here that you need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. It comes from a position of strength. It says that you have drawn your line in the sand and will not budge. Anything over that is not acceptable and will end the marriage. It puts you on the front foot.

Lastly. NEVER PLAY THE 'PICK ME DANCE'. It makes you more unattractive to him, and her more attractive. If you stand firm to what you need, it shows that you still value your personal worth. It speaks of strength. His decision then is whether to trust someone who was easily manipulated(her or you if you play the pick me dance), or someone who has self worth.

benomania posted 2/27/2019 06:40 AM

Isn't that just the scariest thing? she tells you she respects your marriage and WHAMO stabs you in the back.

This is why I don't trust many people.
Most people if not all are always looking for their own self interest.

Home wreckers need to be put in a deserted island with nothing to drink but vinegar.

Sorry you are going through this. Same here. 26 years. Same type of crap.

SO talking to pAP's on Social media. Probably sexting.
I found evidence. Asked for this to stop.
Then Whamo.
3 months later SO back to talking to the same people on Instagram.
No flipping respect.
Same with you. When someone says something to you and stabs you in the back; they have NO respect.

You need to stay busy, work outk, do the 180. Keep her within a 1000 yards and set HARD parameters for your H if you are to make this work.

Sorry you are experiencing this pain.
I know what you are going through.
Remember; this too shall pass

Jsmart posted 2/27/2019 13:57 PM

He doesn't know what he wants? If he's taking his time, that could be a sign that he and the OW are getting their ducks in a row to monkey branch into new relationships.

This may be painful but is the other woman younger and more attractive than you? I'm not saying this to hurt you but with you only having 1 adult kid, he may be thinking it's the perfect time to "trade" up.

I advise that you get with a ninja divorce attorney to help clear his head. You should expose to both your families, including your adult son to bring his deceitfulness into the open. Also keep working closely with the OBS, he has as much interest in breaking them up as you do.

ShutterHappy posted 2/27/2019 15:17 PM

First thing first.

1- You are 50% responsible for the marriage but 0% responsible for his wayward behavior. Do not accept any blame shifting, minimizing, gas lighting. It is all on him. 100%. He CHOSE to do this, itís entirely his decision.

2- You spent 23 years taking care of the M, taking care of your son and your husband. Starting from today, you take care of YOU. Do you have friends and or family to confide? Contact them. Are you eating well? Sleeping? Get an appointment with your Dr. Also have STD test done (unfortunately).

3- As part of taking care of yourself, you need to get out of infidelity. This can be done either through Reconciliation or Divorce. Itís hard to do either of those things while you are still so much attached to him. So do the 180 (healing library). Ask him to either move out or go stay in a separate room. Donít cook for him, donít do laundry, donít talk to him, nothing. You focus on your healing and getting detached.

Because your WH thinks he has a choice between his GF and you, you tell him that you wonít even begin to consider R while heís still involved with the OW, and you move out of infidelity by walking in the D path. He is free to date any women he wants, but not as your husband. If he wants to talk, just tell him that since he continues to be in a relationship with another woman, thereís nothing to talk about.

Get your ducks in a row, get 1/2 of your money in jointed account and consult a lawyer. What about R? Well, if he wakes up from the unicorn land, and IF you are still willing to give him the gift of R, youíll have to set a whole bunch of conditions for you to consider this.

Keep posting, you just suddenly acquired dozens of friends

GrayShades posted 2/27/2019 15:55 PM

I'm really sorry that Jsmart put things so baldly -- betrayed wives often find that kind of thinking very hurtful. I would hope that you know your own worth (and looks are a small part of that). I concur with those on this thread who are encouraging you to be firm and strong, even if you aren't always feeling it. I know that I felt 100% better when I was able to get to a place in my own head where I knew that I deserved better. Reading up on the 180 helped a lot in getting my head in that place, even though I didn't fully implement it because my WH got his head out of his ass very quickly. For the record, his POSOW was a couple of years younger and definitely fitter than me. So could he have 'traded up' with her? No way. She doesn't hold a candle to me because I'm authentic and I have integrity; she has neither. And my WH knows that as well.

Jsmart posted 2/27/2019 16:46 PM

GreyShades, I don't think that way and said I wasn't trying to be hurtful. I don't care how young or hot the OW is, she's not a step up but a WH who's high on having sex with his workout partner may think this way.

Personally I think Mr Ladybugmaam is crazy to be confused on whether or not he should be fighting for his marriage. A man would be insane to consider running off with a cheating wife with young kids but as you know, in a fogged up state no one is thinking clearly.

I think Ladybugmaan may be the OBS from Bahama's thread. In his last update, he mentioned that his WW was hesitant to say she'll end it. So I'm think that if these are the betrayed from the same affair, that they need to be extra aware if they're waywards are plotting run off into the sunset.

ShutterHappy posted 2/28/2019 04:08 AM


How are you?

Ladybugmaam posted 2/28/2019 05:18 AM

Iím not ok by a long shot....but making the Herculean effort to take care of myself. I feel like all the air has been sucked out of the room. Iíve been to the doctor, had my std test today. They told me there were 3 other women in the office doing to the same thing. The world looks a lot uglier right now. Iíve been reading my way through the resources. WS has had limited contact with me - but is going through the motions of IC. When we do talk, he has expressed remorse for cause this pain and when I push a little further....he just canít talk about it. Our son now knows. Hell, half the town knows. His phone records confirm NC there....but I know there are so many other means to maintain that contact. Yesterday he shared the ďAfter the AffairĒ rebuilding trust book with my BFF. Said he was working through it himself. That knowledge seems a little comforting....but weíre both doers. This isnít something either of us can busy ourselves into R or D. Iíve been in contact with the other BS. My WS says this had nothing to do with the AP and mostly to do with him. I have a counselor. I have an appointment with an attorney. All those items checked off the list. Breathing, thatís the hard part right now.

Drumstick posted 2/28/2019 05:31 AM


Is your husband a triathlete, as well as the OW?

Just curious.

Butforthegrace posted 2/28/2019 05:31 AM

I met with her several times....and she repeatedly told me that she had nothing but respect for my marriage vows and hers

I spit out my coffee with laughter when I heard that one. Thanks for the laugh. The POSOW is an opportunistic piece of shit who has no respect for anybody but herself. If you talk to her again, please remind her of that.

Ladybugmaam posted 2/28/2019 05:45 AM

Weíre all athletes. The other BS is out here too. Iím grateful that he pointed me in this direction.
I did destroy every medal, poster, and trophy on D day and left it for him.
I also did roll over his very expensive racing bike with his truck in front of him....twice. It felt AMAZING at the time. Right now I feel pretty pathetic.

Stevesn posted 2/28/2019 06:02 AM

Quickly, you are not pathetic. You are a strong woman who is having an absolutely normal reaction to being betrayed.

If he is interested in truly saving his marriage you will know it over time. For right now you are doing the right things for you. Focus only on you and continue to take those steps (IC, lawyer, talk with friends, connect with your son) that you need to in order to get the help you need.

If he cares about hurting the woman he vowed to love all those years ago he will do the things over the next months and years he needs to in order to make you feel safe again.

That includes the important step of taking action to ensure he is never, near her or communicates with her in any way again. Changing gyms, avoiding competitions, even finding a new athletic endeavor where you are his training partner now are all things he can do to show you he means what he says about reconciliation.

Both he and the AP have been selfish. Who knows who did what first, who cares, they were both adults and had commitments they made to you and the OBS that they blew right through.

They are both bad broken people right now. Can they get help and fix each themselves and become valued spouses again, yes. But that is up to them to do. So give a few weeks or even a couple of months for him to prove that heís worthy of even attempting that, and if you see it happening then great.

If not, take the steps now to ensure that when you decide to go separate ways that you get everything that you deserve and even more.

Finally, with you and the OBS on here, try your best to keep this site as a safe haven for both of you and not to tell your WS about it. That may be hard but if you are able to keep them away forat least a while you will both be able to speak more freely here.

Take care. I feel for you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:04 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

PricklePatch posted 2/28/2019 06:08 AM

I am sorry for your need to join us. I would suggest not sharing this place with your spouse. If he shows true remorse and not regret that is different.

It does take both parties to recover. Just remember you have to heal with both reconciliation and divorce. Take your time and think what do you want.

I wouldnít worry about his bike, your family being broken is worth more. Your sanity is worth more then that bike.

Make a list of boundaries you would need either way. No contact, gps, post nuptial agreement, polyograph.

Make sure to drink lots of water.

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