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I destroyed my husband

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Jorge posted 8/3/2019 12:24 PM

JUST KEEP FIGHTING.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 12:34 PM

I want to text him so bad, but I know he doesn't want me to.

dblackstar2002 posted 8/3/2019 12:50 PM

Don't text him. I have read his post,I won't tell you anything about it. But i will say your husband is a walking wound right now. Nothing you say or do will help him at this time. Just Be honest and open with him if he ask's more questions and try to do whatever you can to help him heal. That all you can do right now...

gmc94 posted 8/3/2019 12:54 PM

LD - If he says don't text, try to respect that (I was the opposite right after dday, but we are all different).

I would suggest writing your feelings down and then share them with him when he is ready. TBH, I am a very strong believer in journaling through this pain (and turns out that focused journaling can be healing). So - journal what you are feeling. Write those texts you want to send in your journal, so you can share when appropriate.

I assume you've read the threads I bumped for you - you may want to reflect on some of those things in your journal -

learn how to do SPECIFIC apologies - and put them in your journal. A good post dday apology recognizes the specific action, the harm, and what you will do to fix it. "I'm sorry for how my actions hurt you" does NOT cut it.
I'm sorry that by lying to you about my relationship & actions with OM that I destroyed your sense of trust, not just in me, but in love and in the world generally. I intend to do all I can to rebuild that trust. Providing the detailed timeline was the first step toward the kind of honesty and integrity I want to bring to my life and to whatever our lives together look like, whether it's a reconciled M or merely coparenting. " That may not be the best example, but you get what I mean.

You can find a pdf of how to help your spouse heal online - it's a pretty quick (maybe 2-3 hour) read. You can read it TODAY and then read it again when it arrives in the mail (kindle versions may be a better idea, as you can annotate and search them - helps to see where your head is now vs where it will be in a month or 6 months). JMO.

Many suggest writing at least 3 things you are grateful for. Some say to start automatically spending 5-10 minutes writing about gratitude EVERY morning. I'm not as consistent as I'd like, but I most definitely feel better about myself and the world around me when I do (and I'm a BS). Look up Rick Hanson's HEAL steps online - there is good evidence about the neurons that "fire together wire together" (and his book Resilience is fantastic ), so whenever you have good experiences and incorporate them into your day you are rewiring your brain to have more joy, better resilience/coping, and (IMO) some humility (entitlement is an issue for a WS - what makes a WS feel entitled to have an A instead of any of the other choices to cope with whatever is/was going on?)

Like others have said, tough as it was, I truly hope that you provided your BH with all the details. If you remember anything new, write it down and ask him if he wants to know anything as you think of it (bc I assume things will come back over time). If you have not been 100% candid and forthcoming, FIX that problem ASAP. Remember any any lie about ANYTHING from here on out puts your BH back to square one (last spring my WH lied about contact from one of his APs - I am still not done processing it). Doesn't matter if you lied about something you view as trivial - like whether the store was out of milk - ANY lie to your BH means you will lie about anything. Our minds - without our consent - will go all lizard brain and wonder if you will lie about milk, you are probably still lying about something infidelity related.

bookworm19 posted 8/3/2019 13:02 PM

I want to text him so bad, but I know he doesn't want me to.

Why do you want to text him? To make you feel better, to have a feeling that you have some sort of insight or control over situation? People here are giving you very good advice, write stuff down, journal. But please respect his wishes, respect him, for a change.

Are you panicking for a specific reason or are you just a panicky type (somehow I doubt that)? Are you panicking, because you have no control over what your husband does or feels? Breath and breathe some more. This is beyond your control now, you did your part. Sorry to say exceptionally well.

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 1:08 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/3/2019 13:07 PM

BH here -

I want to text him so bad, but I know he doesn't want me to.

Now he doesn't want to hear from you or anything you say...but to NOT hear from you, he will think that you just don't care. From the little I know, I think your H is in shock, he hates you, he loves you, he wants you he doesn't.

When you were in the affair, you found ways to make that work, it was a lot of effort and brain power to connect, communicate and show the OM you wanted to be with him while keeping a lot of secrets and lies from your H.

Focus that energy and multiply by 100 it to repair yourself and your family.
For a while it may only be you digging thru the rubble, but you were the one who blew it up. You need to show effort and initiative, don't expect him to give you the roadmap. You didn't need any help in planning your A, figure it out. You are a teacher you are smart.

Book a poly, let him about it and that he needs to write up the questions.
Have you done a STD test?
Read those books and talk to him when he will let you.

This quote by Churchill can apply to both of you: "If you're going through hell, keep going."

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:08 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 14:00 PM

Why do you want to text him? To make you feel better, to have a feeling that you have some sort of insight or control over situation? People here are giving you very good advice, write stuff down, journal. But please respect his wishes, respect him, for a change.
Are you panicking for a specific reason

I want to text him because I miss him and want to talk. I'm not going to though. I have decided to journal what I would say to him in hopes of sharing it with him one day. I'm panicking because I am losing the love of my life because of my actions.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 14:01 PM

Now he doesn't want to hear from you or anything you say...but to NOT hear from you, he will think that you just don't care. From the little I know, I think your H is in shock, he hates you, he loves you, he wants you he doesn't.

So would you want to be texted or not?

Zugzwang posted 8/3/2019 14:29 PM

I'm not the person I was.
Yes, you were and yes you are. You were still that person that had your issues you just hadn't crossed the line yet. You admitted it yourself. You had issues. Having the affair was the epic conclusion of a series of other things you will begin to see as you dig. You don't suddenly become someone else. You were capable of it otherwise you never would have done it.

I don't know who this person is.
You do. You have been running from her all this time and now this is the consequences of not dealing with your issues for all these years. Having an affair is crashing. You have been burning and on fire long before you even married.

I believe that the AP means nothing to you. You cake ate. You thought you could hide it and get away with it. With no intentions of leaving your family. You lied to keep your family. The AP could have been anyone that fed you. When push came to shove and you knew you couldn't get away with it, you realized too late what you gambled away. You might have even been banking on your husband forgiving you and working through it if he found out. Maybe banking on his unconditional love based on what you stood by him through. You took him for granted and you took advantage of it. Give him space and start doing everything in your power to fix yourself. While you give him space, do not do anything to get a fix of validation from anyone. Don't go to bars. Don't develop new male friendships. Don't do anything that might be seen as getting support from men. Try to do for you daughter to give him the room he needs to chill.

DomesticTourist posted 8/3/2019 14:34 PM

Iím a BH. My wife denied it had happened and continued her affair after I caught her and after I forgave her for it.

I would want you to tell me how sorry you are and how you want to talk to me when I am ready. I would not want you to ask for forgiveness, a chance, a promise, nothing.

pinkpggy posted 8/3/2019 14:38 PM

I find it hard to believe that after a 7 month affair the AP meant nothing. I think part of the problem is you know your BH is reading here so it's swaying some of your true responses.

Your husband is suddenly the love of your life?

Right now you are in panic mode. But trust me when I say it's better to own up to your true emotions now.

NoOptTo posted 8/3/2019 14:43 PM

Please get a STI test done immediately. I think you should still offer the polygraph test as an olive branch to your BH. He is in much pain. Continue to follow his lead. Journaling your feelings, setting g goals to achieve and being g there for your daughter who is the real loser in this all is important. Think of his healing as much as yours. If R is in the cards, he will offer it to you after he sees you putting in the heavy work needed.

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/3/2019 14:47 PM

So would you want to be texted or not?

It depends on how I felt at that moment. I would not want a wall of text explaining things or talking about a future.
It would need to be something short, showing remorse. More than "I'm sorry I fucked up" He maybe still reeling from your timeline. Let a day go by. Don't offer false hope or rugsweep.
It is hard to say that you care for him when you didn't during the affair.
I don't want to coach you as it has to come from you. If it were flipped around and he cheated on you for 6 mo what would you want to hear? Or would you be finished, prepare for that option too.

It's tricky, you need to give him space, but just the right amount of space.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 14:47 PM

NoOptTo

We both got tested full panel, results came back negative for everything. I am waiting to hear back from the polygraph company I contacted.

GreatWideOpen posted 8/3/2019 14:50 PM

Back to the beginning LD, it is clear you are not getting it. Your timeline needs to be complete in whatever he is asking for. Find your calendar and figure out every time you were with the POS alone. Write out everything you can remember, what you said, what you did, how you felt (before, during and after) every encounter. Write out every time you went on a texting or sexting spree with the POS or talked on the phone. Write down every time you set your husband and or child behind the POS. Calculate how many hours you weren't "present" with your husband or child while thoughts of the POS dominated your consciousness. Consider how much energy you put into all this, and how little you put into your family. THIS is what he may ask for as the STARTING point for any conversations about anything.
When you were at the lowest you have ever went in your human experience you were oblivious to the fact that you had arrived there. In fact you were more likely ecstatic to be there. You need to figure that out before you set any expectation or hopes on your BS.
Understand that a betrayal like yours is among the most damaging because you made thousands of choices to willingly do the wrong thing and you did these even as your husband was going into freefall right before your eyes.

[This message edited by GreatWideOpen at 2:50 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

M1965 posted 8/3/2019 15:05 PM

LD:

M1965

I don't know how any of that can be or how to do it

The first step is to take care of yourself physically and mentally. When our thoughts are dominated by a single thing, we can lose sight of ourselves. So please do not do that.

You have some books coming in the mail, and you can read them when they arrive. They will give you insight into what happened, and how to avoid it happening again.

I get the impression that his struggle is internal, and because of that, you are almost a bystander. You want to be able to help him, but at the moment he has retreated into himself in the way that men do when we are in pain, and trying to fix it.

The worst of this stage will pass, and we will do what we can for him in his thread here. He has some very good forum members rooting for him and offering him advice and a sympathetic ear.

If you are worried about him, do you have any mutual friends who could call round and see how he is? He mentioned that he is basically alone, a long way from his family and friends, so it would be good if someone - maybe even your Dad - could call round from time to time to see how he is.

In terms of messaging your husband, I think that his pain right now is probably overwhelming, which is why he does not want any communications from you. However, if it will help you, you could send one text - and only one - with a simple message, like "I am so sorry". Do not mention love, because that will just trigger him. And then let him be for several hours.

Tomorrow, you could message him to say something like, "I am worried about you. Please talk to X (a mutual friend, or his friends). I am ready to talk if and when you are. I want to give you space and respect your wishes, but please know that you are in my thoughts 24/7".

At the moment he is not ready to discuss anything deep or emotional. That is the stuff that is hurting him, and so he is trying to get away from it. That is why the tone of the message I suggested is practical, but brief, and not touching on anything deep that might trigger him.

I am sure that you are suffering like never before, but please do not mention that to him. It will be a huge trigger for him. By all means discuss it here, because there are already some terrific former wayward wives involved in your thread, and they can be a great source of support.

Maybe at some point over the next few days you could take him some groceries, and ask him if there is anything that he needs. Do not attempt to draw him into conversation. He will probably want to keep his communications brief and limited. However, little acts of care and asking about his well-being will not go unnoticed, even if he does not acknowledge them visibly.

The word 'love' is likely to be a trigger for him for some time, so where you might want to say, "I love you", change that to, "I care about you". It expresses your feelings, and it does not provoke the pain driven knee-jerk response of, "If you loved me, the you wouldn't have done x, y, or z, so don't even mention that word to me".

A journal is a good idea. It will help you get your thoughts in order. And if you have supportive friends, talk to them. They can help you get through this.

These are my immediate thoughts, such as they are. I hope that they will help.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 8/3/2019 15:28 PM

I want to be with my husband. I don't care for the om. I know no one believes that not even my husband, but it is the truth. I know my truth means nothing.

I believe you.

There are so many aspects of your affair that are so similar to my own itís actually uncanny.

I really feel for you and the position you are in right now. I can feel your helplessness and sense of hopelessness. Right now you have two choices. You either fight or you go limp.

He has rejected your timeline and told you it over. So what are you doing now? You said you called a polygrapher. Did you schedule anything? How much time did you put into your timeline? Did you research dates and times?

Action will be what sets the tone next.

Iíve been exactly where you are. My BH was divorcing me and I believed him when he told me. My feelings for my AP dissipated rapidly once the light had shown on my affair. I had minimized and lied about my behavior to the point that when I took my polygraph he just hoping to catch me in truth for once rather than a lie.

Now is the time to lay everything out on the table no matter how ugly or shameful. Be brave and get real vulnerable. Bare your Achilles heal and show him who you are. Then show him who you want to become.

Your truth means something if itís actually the truth. Itís up to you to figure out how to convey that.

My timeline was the springboard for my opportunity to save my marriage. Everything I had done before that was just crumbs to appease him. But that timeline became my fighting chance. So I have to ask you, do you feel like yours was enough? Did you bare it all on those pages? Or was it crumbs?

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 15:42 PM

On dday the OBS texted me saying her husband has herpes. I didn't believe her. I figured she was saying it our of anger. I would have said the same probably. I didn't tell my husband. She didn't either when they were texting so I really thought she lied to me. I guess he texted her again to tell her about the timeline and she told him what she told me.

BraveSirRobin posted 8/3/2019 16:04 PM

You. Do. Not. Get. To. Decide. What. Not. To. Tell. Him.

EVER.

This is what everyone is hammering at you. You still believe that you have the right to control what information is and isn't necessary for your BH to know. You could have said, "OBS told me OM had herpes, but I think she's angry and lying." Then he could make his own judgment about whether he agreed with you. Instead, you thought, "This will make BH even more furious and devastated, and I think I can get away with not telling him, so I'm going to try." And now that he's caught you lying again, he'll assume you are using similar rationalizations about other facts of the A. "If I admit multiple sex acts in different positions, that will just be the nail in the coffin of my marriage. He'll never know if I don't tell him, so there's no way I'm going to." You won't get away with it. Ask me how I know.

gmc94 posted 8/3/2019 16:14 PM

So - why did you not share that info with your BH?

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's bc you are covering your ass.
Trust me, it's about the worst thing you can do - not just bc it violates your own (and new and VERY short) commitment to honesty, but also because it actually HARMS your BS. I've often said I'd rather my WH punched me in the face than tell me one. more. lie. Frankly, I'd rather he punched me in the face than had an A.

Omissions are also lies. And just as harmful as any other "type" of lie.

So - when are you going to REALLY commit to honesty?

ETA: Re-read what BSR just said about controlling the information.
It's part of the cheater's handbook. Why do you think so many replies on this thread -from BS and WS - were about ABSOLUTE HONESTY?

Perhaps you feel that you "know better" than the thousands of folks on SI who have walked this path before you? It's the same "logic" I'd bet you told yourself when going down the slippery slope from teacher assistance to EA to PA - you know how to do this without getting caught. How did that work out for you?

[This message edited by gmc94 at 4:17 PM, August 3rd, 2019 (Saturday)]

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