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I destroyed my husband

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Pippin posted 8/4/2019 11:47 AM

I also have come to realize that I was a neglectful mother during the affair, and abusive to the OBS children.

I know itís hard but try not to run away from the bad feelings. Lean into them and really feel how horrible it was. Thatís going to teach you to never do that again, erase all sense of entitlement, develop a deeper concept of emotional intimacy, betrayal, loyalty, love, mercy. If you really see how bad it was, youíll be grateful for every chance your husband gives you to help him and youíll naturally want to understand how best to help him without it being forced. So donít run away from the pain. If you express it to him or here you might get blowback - you deserve it, what did you expect, etc. Try not to arrange your thinking into being a victim. Just look at it full on.

On the other hand, you canít hang out there all day every day. Be sure to exercise, even just walks, eat well, try to sleep. Do something generous and selfless every day. Make a gratitude list. Itís a bit of a balance. No one is helped if you get mired in shame and stare at your own failing without using it as motivation to improve.

Striver posted 8/4/2019 12:10 PM

OP,

A common characteristic of waywards is that they have a need to talk about how much they are doing, that they're really a good person, that they are a people pleaser, etc.

This is one thing you and other waywards need to work on. It is overall part of who you are. Other people do these things too, they don't use them as justifications to cheat.

I have experience with this in seeing my xWW do it.

Mene posted 8/4/2019 12:40 PM

Please cease contact with the OBS and the AP. No contact. Even if the OBS wants to contact you. Your focus should be on your husband and daughter. If the OBS needs information, she can ask her bastard of a husband. The onus is on him to answer her questions about the affair. He should be doing the hard work for her.

The herpes issue is indicative of how you are continuing to treat your husband badly. Seriously, you should have told him the AP has herpes. You need to gain his trust again and by omitting information only sets you back in this regard.

Our advice to you will seem harsh. Youíre going through a difficult period. Itís self inflicted, nonetheless. You will get through this and we are helping you to do so. Keep working on how to be a better and safer partner for your husband.

You value all those things you did with your daughter. You brushed aside those values when you got involved in the affair. At the time, they didnít seem important to you. Hopefully, this is a wake up call for you. Keep at it. Hopefully, youíll get another chance with your husband.

[This message edited by Mene at 12:42 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

faithfulman posted 8/4/2019 13:38 PM

Posted by LifeDestroyer:

The polygraph company just wrote me back saying they've stopped doing polygraphs for infidelity so they can focus on other aspects of their business.

Well, I guess that's that!

Seriously, try to expend a similar amount of effort trying to do the right thing, as you did betraying your husband.

Her text didn't come into my mind.

This is typical cheater bullshit.

The things that don't "come into the mind" of a busted cheater always seem to be super-important extra deal-breaker details.

Why is that?

If you really want to do right by your husband (And I don't think that is your motivation, I think your motivation is "saving your marriage") then you need to try much harder, and much better.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:39 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/4/2019 17:53 PM

I haven't contacted the OBS again. I gave my husband her number because they wanted to speak to each other. I do want to do better my husband. I wrote an apology letter to hopefully be able to give him one day when he's ready to let me. I love my husband. I am in love with my husband. I care for my husband. I have caused insurmountable pain in him. I wish I could be there for him. I wish I could tell him how badly I want to be there for him. I know you think I have been concerned with just my own feelings, but I haven't. All I have been thinking about is what he is feeling and going through.

I took him and our marriage for granted. It may not have been "perfect," but I loved our marriage. I know "that's bullshit since you cheated on him." We have spent half of our life together. We had disagreements, never real fights. We had love. We had laughter. We had sadness. We had lots of growing up. We had dry spells. We had amazing times. I had ppd after having my daughter and my mom was going through cancer. I never got the help that I know I needed. I was depressed and didn't have a libido. I felt awful because I know he always thought I didn't want him, but that wasn't the case. I switched bc and went on anxiety meds and my libido slowly came back, but it was too late. I think he always had this thought in the back of his head that I didn't want him. Then I had an affair. I don't know what the point of any of this was. I just need to talk and get some harsh criticism.

pinkpggy posted 8/4/2019 18:16 PM

It's obvious you are reading his thread then coming here to bolster your reasoning in reply. Your past actions make the words you wrote meaningless.

It's going forward where your actions are going to have to match your words.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/4/2019 18:18 PM

Pink

I'm not reading his thread. He asked me not to, to respect his privacy. I have done that. I've been talking to my friends and they bring things up. Everyone keeps saying to share here because people have been through it all. That's what I'm doing.

EarsEyesTongue posted 8/4/2019 18:57 PM

Have you told your friends that you and your H are posting here?

LifeDestroyer posted 8/4/2019 19:01 PM

Ears

I've told one that my husband found this forum and suggested that I join to. I never mentioned the name of the site if that is what you are asking.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/4/2019 19:48 PM

My therapist won't be in town this week, so I won't be able to see her again until next Tuesday. I've confided in three friends, but I can't truly talk to them because they treat me as a friend and not as someone who had an affair and hurt her husband. They want to be there for me, but keep sugarcoating it all. Not treating me like they would if I were the one to have been cheated on. I intend to post here a lot this week. If nothing else, then just to get shit off my chest.

RubixCubed posted 8/4/2019 20:13 PM

What's your take of the swinging time in your life?

LifeDestroyer posted 8/4/2019 20:32 PM

What's your take of the swinging time in your life?

Did he bring that up because I don't remember mentioning that here?

When we first moved here our marriage was strained. He was working non-stop, drinking heavily, and we lived in the tiniest apartment ever. One day he asked if I wanted to go to some club. I was excited because he's never asked to go to a club before. I looked it up and quickly found out it was a swingers club. I was dumbfounded and hurt. We talked about it and agreed to just go and watch what it was like. I entered the lifestyle because it was something he wanted to do and I wanted to make him happy. We then enjoyed watching and being watched. It was exciting and thrilling. I made it clear that I didn't want to interact with any of the men. I only played with the women. I also didn't want him to have sex with any of them. He gave and received oral and used his hands. There was one time I went down on a guy so his wife would do the same, but I stopped it because I didn't want to do that. Then there was one insanely drunken night where a couple, that we were friends with, came into our hotel room and we all started fooling around. I was very drunk and remember "waking up" to my husband having sex with the woman. I yelled at him because he knew I didn't want that to happen. I jumped off the bed and cried. We never really did anything again with that, except watching once more. It was very hard to let that go, I brought it up a few times but felt bad because of how selfish I was during it all. I eventually let it go.

Swinging is not something that I wanted, but went along with it, was selfish with it (didn't want him to screw any women), enjoyed it with him because I know he enjoyed watching me with other women.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 8/4/2019 21:00 PM

This is a reminder not to bring information from one thread to another. Please respect each memberís privacy and support each member individually.

toby posted 8/4/2019 21:49 PM

Did you tell the OM about the ďlifestyleĒ that you and your BS participated in? And if you did, when?

Justsomelady posted 8/5/2019 07:19 AM

Sending you good vibes for your meetings today and for your continued insight and healing for your self, relationship, and hubby. The more I learn about this story the more it breaks my heart. It sounds like you are starting to get it about what you need to do to improve timeline and be fully transparent and hope you continue to take those steps. I donít have the same situation or similar experience at all but I do understand getting lost, being selfish, and then waking up to how much you still love your spouse and how hard it is to truly see their hurt and how you have hurt your spouse. Donít give up and I hope things work out for you two. Hugs.

M1965 posted 8/5/2019 07:21 AM

Hi LD,

I know this will be a tough day for you, as you have that meeting with the principal. What I am writing here is not being written harshly, but to spur your thinking.

I love my husband. I am in love with my husband. I care for my husband...It may not have been "perfect," but I loved our marriage...We have spent half of our life together. We had disagreements, never real fights. We had love. We had laughter. We had sadness. We had lots of growing up. We had dry spells. We had amazing times...Then I had an affair. I don't know what the point of any of this was.

This is the time for discovering your why's.

For discovering what gaps in your life you thought the affair was filling. What rewards did you got from it that you felt you were not getting from other parts of your life, including your marriage.

Why you felt entitled to do it. Whether that entitlement was based on resentments within the marriage.

Why you never stopped to consider where the affair was going, but simply went along for the ride, without thinking about where or how it would stop.

Why it never occurred to you that your affair partner was just an exploitative con artist. That his flattery was not sincere, but simply bait.

Was his fake interest, flattery, and pretense of having similar interests so intoxicating that you started living life in the emotional equivalent of a drunken stupor?

Why was the bullsh*t he was peddling so effective on you? Why were there no barriers there to protect yourself, your husband, and your marriage?

Did he flatter your vanity? Did he praise your intelligence while he strung you along and laid a trail of breadcrumbs that led to his bedroom?

Did he become an enthusiastic worshiper, thereby giving you the rush you get from performing and pleasing people?

And how can you control the need for that rush so that you will not be vulnerable to the next opportunist who sees how you respond to that kind of attention.

If you cannot get a handle on that part of yourself, you may end up being a puppet for a series of men who just want to use you. I think you deserve a better future than that, but only you can prevent it, by recognising what made you a vulnerable open door for your affair partner.

How did you let your husband vanish from your care and your emotional radar?

Why did you ignore him when he fired obvious distress flares and tried to talk to you? Did you think he deserved it, because of any history or past actions? Why did he stop mattering to you?

Can you see how your desire to control the narrative by minimising, hiding evidence, or outright lying has backfired and ruined your credibility? Do you think you can change and become more honest with people, and with yourself?

Do you think that if you get back with your husband, the marriage will give you what you need to prevent you from having more affairs? It is vital to be honest with yourself about that, because reconciling and having another affair is not going to do you or your husband any good. Do not kid yourself about that.

These are all things for you to figure out.

I never got the help that I know I needed.

I hope you will get it now, in the form of counseling and honest self-examination.

And I hope the meeting with the principal enables you to achieve the move that you feel will be best for you and your daughter.

Positive change is possible if you commit to it. Work out who you want to be, and do all you can to become that person.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/5/2019 11:06 AM

This is the time for discovering your why's.

I have started to figure out some of whys I believe. My eyes have definitely opened wide after reading everyone's comments here and on other WS threads. Some of you have been able to see into a part of my mind that I couldn't, so thank you for opening that door.

My meeting is at 1:30. My husband said he will be going with me. I contacted my union this morning to see what I can do. Since I'm new to the district, I am technically not under a contract. I'm more of a "we intend to keep you here and you intend on coming back" word of mouth contract. She told me to ask them to transfer me or keep me on the list if a position opens up after school starts. She said I can ask and they can let me out of my "contract" if I know I have security of another job, which I don't. Yes, positions open up all the time but there's no guarantee one will be in a grade I can teach. I know I need to leave the school. If our daughters weren't there, then I would take the states and rumors that come with my actions, but I can't have the girls hear any rumors or get any looks from the teachers.

Pippin posted 8/5/2019 11:22 AM

Good luck with your meeting.

If you can get a union rep there please do. I donít know your setting (and you donít need to say) but the contract is almost certainly clear about your status. You probably have a right to have someone in the room who has more clarity than you do about the contract and your status.

But more importantly, right now you have minimal interaction with your husband so this interaction is going to take on weight. He doesnít know what you are thinking and you donít know what he is thinking. He is likely angry but also extremely hurt, humiliated, searching for why, etc. Be very gentle even if his emotions are raging, and donít put your own need for reassurance or hope first. I would not say I love you or I made a mistake but rather I am so sorry, I donít know what will happen but I will figure out how to fix myself and fight for you, I know for sure that you are the man I want, and thank him for standing by you.

Chaos posted 8/5/2019 11:24 AM

Gently LD (and if this has been covered, I am sorry) - are you planning on moving your children from the school?

Because, sadly, even if you aren't there (and you shouldn't be) - there will be talk. Perhaps even more freely with your not there. Your children may pick up on that. And sadly, some may make sure they do.

Whatever the outcome for you - I am wondering outloud what steps the school/administration is going to make to protect your children from the fallout.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/5/2019 11:45 AM

Chaos, this would have been my daughter's first year there. If I transfer or am relieved of my contract, then she won't be going there. I will immediately start looking for another job and enroll her in the district she is supposed to be in.

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