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I destroyed my husband

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ItsWorthIt posted 8/5/2019 12:49 PM

Life Destroyer.

I'm a WW

If you truly love him. If you truly want to build a new relationship. If you truly want him forever.

Then do what it takes. It will be very hard. Very very very hard at times. He will experience so much pain and depression and anger.

There will be name calling - which he doesn't necessarily mean, but what his hurting emotions and mind have to yell. You will probably find that he will apologize later for the name calling. And the name calling will probably happen multiple times with apologies following.

Be HONEST, excruciatingly HONEST. Don't hold back thinking you are saving him pain. He will need closure on the discoveries and dishonesty for the sake of saving pain ends up creating more pain, distrust and destruction. Answer ALL of his questions without hesitation or frustration, even when he's asking the same question for the 10th, 20th, 100th time.

EARN his trust EVERY DAY forever. The effort required to do this will lessen slowly over time, but as I've found, it will lessen.


He will always have this in his memory forever. But its frequency in the front of his memories will lessen with time.

He will be filled with many many triggers and they can be incapacitating at times. Be patient with him in these. Be supportive with these. Don't diminish their importance.

Continue to get help. I have more details in my post, but continue getting support and help because there is so much more you'll need than I and others have posted.

All of the hard work is ABSOLUTELY worth it. I know. I'm living proof.

Be a shining example on this forum.

All our best to you.

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/5/2019 13:09 PM

If our daughters weren't there, then I would take the states and rumors that come with my actions, but I can't have the girls hear any rumors or get any looks from the teachers.

In the 70s when I was 5th or 6th grade one of our male teachers was involved with the mom of a fellow student. Eventually the students figured it out (Mr.X and the mom were always together at games or events etc) and a few years later I asked my mom about it and she said most of the PTA moms were aware of it too.
As a kid I didn't care and there was no harassment or obvious talk other than the "I 'll bet Rob gets an A in this class" . Today things might be rougher with FB and the like.

He was one of the only male teachers and by far the coolest adult at school, and she was a 30 something bored SAHM. Probably not the first sidepiece for him. Being the 70s AFAIK there were no repercussions as he retired from there many years later. The mom got divorced.

Good luck.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/5/2019 14:37 PM

I resigned. I'm back at the school now to start packing.

Zugzwang posted 8/5/2019 15:32 PM

I honest to God thought she was saying it out of anger because that is something I would think a lot of BS would do, I would probably do something like that out of anger and shock of finding out. I didn't say that to make her look bad.

Yeah, I have to wonder if any BS would do that just get what? Even? One up the AP? That is a competition thing and reaction from a wayward mind. You thinking she should one up you. So, dismissing it is you actually one-upping her because that is what you would do. Hence, why I said you are thinking with wayward mindset and it is about competition. Villify the other as incompetent.

The things that don't "come into the mind" of a busted cheater always seem to be super-important extra deal-breaker details.
Due to what? Shame and fear most likely. Fear of him leaving if he knew and shame that the wife knew and was angry and in a wayward mindset would lie to out compete you.

The OBS texted me after her husband told her about us.
Are you sure you weren't just mad that her husband told her about you and ruined what you thought was special? Hence the AP is just an angry lying betrayed wife?

Seriously, try to expend a similar amount of effort trying to do the right thing, as you did betraying your husband.

They want to be there for me, but keep sugarcoating it all. Not treating me like they would if I were the one to have been cheated on.
You are going to need your girlfriends and support. There is nothing wrong with that. Whether they sugarcoat it doesn't matter. You are an adult and you should not need someone to hold your feet to the fire. Do that yourself. That is the point.

Robert22205https posted 8/5/2019 15:50 PM

Were you asked to resign?
Will you receive a satisfactory recommendation?

How did your BS react?
Did he support your resignation?

Will you move back home now?

LifeDestroyer posted 8/5/2019 16:04 PM

Were you asked to resign?
Will you receive a satisfactory recommendation?
How did your BS react?
Did he support your resignation?

Will you move back home now?

I was not asked to resign. They were willing to do whatever it took to keep me. For my husband, my marriage, and our of respect for the OBS, I had to resign. They said they would give me a letter of recommendation any time I needed it and if I ever wanted to come back to the district to give them my resume. He did most of the talking for me. He opened himself up in front of them. No, I'm not moving back. He still doesn't want me to come home.

Bladerunner2054 posted 8/5/2019 16:39 PM

I resigned. I'm back at the school now to start packing.

Good move! This should help.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/5/2019 18:20 PM

Two days after D-day I stopped taking my meds (anxiety/depression) because I felt that they were inhibiting me from really feeling everything. Before I left home today, after dropping off the first load of my classroom items, I grabbed my meds. I want to start taking them again, and I have an appointment Wednesday for them. Am I selfish for taking them? Am I stupid for not taking them? I feel the answer is yes to both of those questions. Again, I won't have therapy at all this week so I will be rambling on here.

Zugzwang posted 8/5/2019 18:29 PM

My wife went on antianxiety meds for a short time after Dday. I implored her to take them for our children. I think it helped her to calm down enough to work through stuff. She was raised by a mother that knew what she had and suffered from. Her mother chose to never take meds and her mother made her life a living Hell. Take you meds. You have a daughter that deserves a mother. You will need to be calm enough to think.

Hippo16 posted 8/5/2019 19:05 PM


A couple of thoughts

"LifeDestroyer" - no, not really but you have changed you and your spouse's life.

Poor analogy - but think the broken vase - it can be glued back together and a skillful person can almost hide the cracks so no one would notice unless they got really close.

Or, you could just throw it away.

First choice is a lot of work and only you can set the value of that work.

Regarding Mr. LifeDestroyer not wanting you home:
From what you have written both of you, when younger, did some things you both now regret. I think Mr. is looking back and now that he has experienced massive hurt he is getting an idea that is what you likely experienced.

You coming home is going be a reminder of this and much stronger reminder with you physically present. Most of us (understatement!) don't want to be reminded of our transgressions and stupid

He has to heal himself (that in itself is a very long and complex issue to address) and if you listen and work to implement what other posters are advising, you will get better and also better your chances of your marriage surviving. And you must find a way to accept for yourself what you have done and not let the deed overshadow the rest of your life!

I think the majority of people posting are so doing trying to share what they learned in traveling this well worn path we all call infidelity. Read and read again.

Never be defensive. Try and anticipate questions and have answers ready for anything. I think others have said this repeatedly.

I think you need to think long term - a year or more - and keep working to get your boundaries in place. Even though you did a most hurtful deed, you must be aware that you are a child's mother and still a wife and not to accept bad treatment from Mr. - Hard conversations are not bad treatment per Se. But uncontrolled emotions can lead to explosive outbursts. Be aware and be careful to measure words carefully. Be aware you are going to stumble many times going forward but you must keep in view your goal and don't stop fighting for it. It so very hard and I can see in your words the hurt and anguish. You have to conquer the anguish and force your self to "do the work." Another thought - ask the Mr. if OK to record your chat - and listen to yourself and try to hear the tone, choice of words, and delivery of what you say. A way to learn more about yourself -

On your profile page in the upper right corner is a search block. Put "Walloped" in the block and you will see some threads by the Mr. and the Mrs.
I suggest you read them both. Both well written expose' on what they went through.

I can't excuse the deed but also I know us humans sometimes make massively wrong decisions in a moment that have lifetime repercussion. You will learn to live with your history and so will Mr.

I see a lot of people rooting for your long term success - not very common here.

Not sure who said it - A Winner never quits and a Quitter never wins. Keep fighting -

There are a couple people posting that I think you should read their contributions to threads (other than the Mr.) - Stevesn and M1965

In a way *I mean complimentary to them* I sigh a little because I know the depth of their thinking and their posts will have a lot of insightful information. Their words will hopefully help you change for the better in your perspective of putting into place where to store and accept what has happened.

I'm voting for your success in recovering your marriage but I think of a poor bricklayer. He is staring at a foundation and and a huge load of bricks on a truck. He knows there is a lot of hard work ahead but he also knows what he is going to work on building. You have a load of bricks and I think you need to think of what you have to build is maybe a 3 story office building. In other words - you have a long time to keep working towards your goal. On brick at a time

LifeDestroyer posted 8/5/2019 20:37 PM

Today has been bad. I think I'm spiraling downward. I want to talk to my mom but she passed away. My dad is not an emotional person. And the one person I would go to when all I can do is cry is in tremendous pain that I caused. I just dropped our daughter off and he's in a downward spiral too I think, and I can't help him.

ItsWorthIt posted 8/5/2019 21:06 PM


Be strong. He needs you to be strong. Your strength in complete willingness to do what it takes will help him.

I won't lie to you, there will be many days like today. But it can make you strong for your new relationship with him that you want ahead of you.

I'm living proof. I had horrible days. Every bad emotion flooded me so many times, but they were a hundred times less than what my boyfriend/husband was going through.

You CAN do this and so CAN he.

Create a mental picture and description of what the future for you both can be. Make it a great picture BUT make it real and attainable.

Visualize it as the light at the end of the tunnel.

Get an accountability partner (female) who can encourage you, comfort you AND keep you on the path and hard at work!!!

It WILL be worth it. It will be hard, very very hard at times, but as it says in the Bible, the gold is refined by the fire - use this fire to refine you into a wonderful partner/wife for him.

If you are a woman of faith, pray for strength, humility and peace and believe. Work on your support network. Find a support group.

Make lists and journal entries. Things that you want and need to share with your BP.

We wish you such encouragement, love and success.

Zugzwang posted 8/5/2019 21:17 PM

What about your girlfriends?

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/5/2019 22:17 PM

I am not a doctor, but this is not the time to go off your meds.
Maybe in a few weeks but you in crisis mode right now. Ask your Dr first before you change dosage...

bookworm19 posted 8/6/2019 03:06 AM

I have to agree with Mickey, this is not the time to temper with your medication, your panicking is proof for that. As much as it's nice to hear you "wanted to feel and not be numb" it actually can have the opposite effect. You have to be able to think rationally, so please take your medicine. Your "wanting to feel" sounds self indulgent and like a self-flagellation. You have to get better to be able to help him in any way.

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 3:08 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 8/6/2019 06:22 AM

I wish I had commented earlier about resigning. I'm wondering if it was the right decision.

My guess is that it is possible you were teaching in that district because it is a better district than the one in which you reside, and your job there created an opportunity for your daughters to attend school in that better district?

Did your daughters have established friend networks and extracurricular involvement in that district?

By resigning, are you depriving them of these important life building blocks? Is your resigning really about them avoiding stares and gossip, or is it about you avoiding stares and gossip from other teachers and parents (whispers "....Lifedestroyer slept with him and he has herpes...")? My worry is that this is yet another selfish act of self preservation, rather than a selfless act to protect your BH or your DD's.

Also, you are depriving your family of your income and employment benefits. It's the start of a school year. Most schools have their teacher contracts in place. Aside from the occasional opening created by a health issue (or when an adulterous teacher might resign to get away from an AP), will there be any meaningful opportunities?

ibonnie posted 8/6/2019 06:53 AM

I honest to God thought she was saying it out of anger because that is something I would think a lot of BS would do, I would probably do something like that out of anger and shock of finding out. I didn't say that to make her look bad.

Saying something untrue because you're angry is still lying. You don't get to justify lies and untruths being said because you were angry.

I'm a BS, and it would never have crossed my mind to lie about an STD, simply because... I don't lie. Not even people pleasing white lies.

"Do you like my dress?"
"It's not my style, but besides, if you like it, that's all that matters."

Is just as easy as lying and saying, "Oh yes! I love it! You look amazing! I wish I had a dress just like it."

pinkpggy posted 8/6/2019 07:10 AM

Ibonnie- I had the same thing happen with the BS is my situation. She told me the AP had been with prostitutes and to get tested. She actually yelled it at me as she was speeding off. But I told my husband. Anyway later when my husband called to talk to her she denied ever saying it and said it wasn't true (?)

HellFire posted 8/6/2019 08:02 AM

Pink, the difference is YOU told your husband.

Maybe it was true,in both cases,or maybe not. That's not really the problem. The problem is OP did not tell her husband. I believe she thought the BW was lying because she was mad. I also believe she didnt believe it because she thought she knew the OM better than that.

Beside the point, but so what if the BS lied in either situation? She was talking to the woman who had been fucking her husband. Honesty is not required. Nor deserved. I mean..really??

Robert22205https posted 8/6/2019 08:32 AM

Take your meds. This is not the time to go without.

Schedule a visit with your doctor and share what is going on in your life. They may adjust your meds accordingly.

Like someone said, think long term. I wish there was a 10 step solution (there isn't). It's a long term process and it's important you focus on being the best version of yourself.

Even if he files for divorce .... that process takes time and a lot can happen to change his mind.

The unknown is scary so you should see an attorney to educate yourself as to your rights - and what's best for you and your child. Ask your attorney whether you living with your father could be viewed as abandonment (and adversely impact your custody).

I wish you both well, however my concern is for your child.

Although your husband needs space, with respect to the housing arrangement I'm more concerned with what your child needs.

Since you're no longer working, you both may reconsider your living arrangement in the context of what's best for your daughter.

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