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I destroyed my husband

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GreatWideOpen posted 8/1/2019 17:55 PM

No Stop Sign. LifeDestroyer, it is impossible to believe that between the kiss and the one-time-but-stopped-it-sex you behaved yourself. Please come clean to your husband. The makeout sessions, groping, handjobs, bjs, and "things you never did with your husband" need to be disclosed now, not on your way to be polygraphed a few months from now when your BS has been TT to within an inch of his sanity.
There is only one right thing to do. TELL HIM EVERYTHING now and never stop answering his questions truth fully.

Jorge posted 8/1/2019 17:58 PM

I never wanted to hurt him.

You mean well I'm sure when saying this, but it's probably not smart to tell your husband you didn't want to hurt him. The truth is, you never wanted him to find out, but you knew it would DEVASTATE him and did it anyway.

The reality, is your desire to engage in an affair far exceeded (6 months) your willingness to protect the pain and devastation he has to endure because of it. You knew this which is why you sought to deceive him. But your desire to continue on was so strong, even your husband's inquiries weren't enough to slow the affair down.

You're taking the right steps and I want to commend you for being here. You will have to think and answer to two nagging items.

1) He caught you in the affair and the uncertainty of how long it would have lasted eats at him, as it should. A lengthier affair suggests more sex, more I love you's and more lying. He's dealing with a 6-month affair instead of a 16 month long term affair, because he had to catch you for it to end, not because you ended it because of your love for him. You say you have chosen him, but your actions 2 weeks ago say different. He'll want to know the difference.

2) Sex - He'll find it difficult to believe it happened once in 6 months and may polygraph you to confirm the truth. As hurtful and difficult as it is, him finding out there was more to it will hurt the recovery greater than the additional hurt for you both of you should you disclose more intimacy weeks or months later.

We would hang out in his garage, talk, and fool around sometimes. We had sex one time in July.

Husband will want to know what was meant by "fooling around". Details are hard, but he may want them, so as to determine what exactly is he forgiving, before he can conceivably reconcile.

Carissima posted 8/1/2019 18:11 PM

BS here, are you still reading your husband's thread in here on SI? If you are please stop.

It's important that you both set your boundaries for the site, no sharing thread unless permission is specifically given. This should be a safe space for both of you to open up and get advice.

Pippin posted 8/1/2019 18:17 PM

I agree with tell him absolutely everything and be radically honest. Every single detail that he wants to know. It could be awful for him if he finds out something later, even small things. You'd be surprised at what is troubling to a betrayed spouse and what they assume when you are not explicit. And there are important clues for you in all of the interactions, conversations, timing, etc in understanding why you engaged with the AP - so to the extent that your husband wants to be involved in figuring out the whys with you (if at all), those details can be helpful. My husband has been hugely helpful in talking over the whys (because he wants to be involved) - and it was in part because he had every single detail I could give him. Don't diminish, hide or lie, not a single thing.

Figuring out what he needs from you right now is extremely important and being responsive to his changing needs and feelings. Don't assume if he's quiet he's OK. Reassure him that it's not his fault, that you are figuring your stuff out, that he can react however he needs as long as he needs and you'll continue to try, begin to understand his perspective by reading threads, if he's OK with intimacy then pursue him sexually like you never have. The BS will be good at helping you with that and you need to pay close attention to what he says and does.

Finally, when you start to figure out your whys - it bothers me that you were badmouthing your work and colleagues to a parent. It's an immature and inappropriate way to deal with whatever the issues were. It's a small thing in a huge sea of inappropriate and destructive, but something to include as you sort out where your behavior was coming from.

You've got a lot of good to build on. I hope you can keep it up.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/1/2019 18:24 PM

Carissima

No, I am not reading it. I read it the first day when it was just his first post. I didn't want to see the replies and he asked me not to read them.

destroyed1 posted 8/1/2019 18:26 PM

We had sex one time in July. I felt awkward and stopped it,


Oh the Ol' "we stopped half way and never did it again" ... story.

We've never seen that around here before.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 6:27 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/1/2019 20:30 PM

I wrote him a letter to explaining to him why I want to be with him. I told him what and how I love him. How I felt when I first fell in love with him and how I continued to feel. He feels that I am using his words against him and playing a game, trying to prove him wrong. He also feels that I am indifferent to our world crumbling. I don't know why he feels that. My letter came from my heart. I was honest in everything I wrote. I'm not using his words against him. If I am then I have no idea how I am. I told him that I am not playing any games or trying to compete. I'm trying to show him how much I love him and want to be with him and that I am remorseful for what I've done and caused. I know it will be impossible for him to believe anything I say right now. I just hope he can start believing me again one day. I want him to know that I really do want to fix myself and our marriage that I destroyed.

layla1234 posted 8/1/2019 20:46 PM

Tell the whole truth. It will be very hard for your husband to believe you went from one kiss to sex once. It just doesn't make sense and that's not how affairs work.

Of course that's what you are going to write because you know your BH is on here and reading but we all know that's not the truth.

[This message edited by layla1234 at 8:58 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Butforthegrace posted 8/1/2019 21:24 PM

A few pointers:

As another poster noted, your BH is dealing with the cognitive dissonance that inures from the reality that the person he loves the most is also the person who has hurt him worse than he ever thought he could be hurt. There is a sense of not knowing what reality is, like being in a house of mirrors. He will be paranoid and mistrustful for quite a long time, and in between bouts of paranoia and mistrust he will feel utter despair and gut-wrenching pain. This will eventually morph to extreme anger. In other words, it's a rough road ahead.

The best way to get through the cognitive dissonance is to be utterly and brutally honest with him, and 100% transparent. Other posters here have questioned your story about only having sex once, and stopping in the middle. It's possible that really happened, but it would not be consistent with the usual course of things in an EA/PA of this duration especially one where you had to be caught to stop it. You involved your kids with his kids. Your affair was a full-blown case of adultery.

To that end, most betrayed spouses feel some sense of healing from getting a detailed written timeline, an X-rated version with everything, as if they were a fly on the wall. We understand that you went on a deleting spree with respect to the sexts and such that you sent him. I'd suggest you meet with an IT expert and restore those texts and messages, so that he can read and see them along with the timeline.

There are several reasons for this.

The first is basic intimacy. You shared a chunk of intimacy with another man. This was a type of intimacy you promised to share only with your BH. There is an "intimacy hole" in your marriage, and it's worse because right now another man owns that intimacy. Withholding it from your BH feels to him as if you are protecting the A, guarding it against your marriage. You restore that intimacy by sharing this with him, as if he were a fly on the wall.

Second is basic respect, restoring his agency to him. Do not ever use the word "mistake". Don't try to minimize. Do give your husband the full picture so he can make his own decisions. He can't recover unless he knows what he is recovering from. If he has even a haunting sense there is more you're not telling him, his mind will create "mind movies" of you having sex with another man.

Which leads to the third point: this could be the first 100% authentic and honest thing you've done with your BH since you made the first decision to share a communication with the AP that you kept hidden from your BH (which is when the A officially started). Because of the cognitive dissonance I describe above, your BH mistrusts everything you say. By being brutally honest, especially where it is against your interests, you start to restore his trust in you.

I wrote him a letter to explaining to him why I want to be with him. I told him what and how I love him. How I felt when I first fell in love with him and how I continued to feel.

It's good if you feel that way, and you will need to keep telling him this, but he won't believe stuff like this for quite some time. He just recently caught you in a sexual affair with another man. If he had not caught you, it would still be going on. He endured a humiliating and cathartic confrontation with the AP. The last thing his soul will be able to believe at this point is that you love him. He feels 100% like you despise him at this point. He would not treat an enemy as badly as you treated him. His logical heart is telling him that there is no way you could possibly have felt love for him and done what you have done.

My observation is that most women vastly underestimate the degree to which their sexual affair with another man makes their BH feel emasculated and sexually humiliated. This will be by far your biggest hurdle. Some men cannot ever get over this part, no matter how much you try. Somehow I think your marriage has a chance of working out, but I reiterate that you have a very long and very rough road ahead.

Things not to say because they are trite and false and will inflame his pain:

"I never wanted to hurt you/him". Bullshit. You made decisions and conscious choices to engage in adultery with another man, which was guaranteed to cause your BH maximum pain. You did in fact intend to take actions that would hurt your husband.

"It was a one-time mistake". Don't ever use the word "mistake". A mistake is something inadvertent, like locking your keys in your car. An affair is the result of choices. In your case, with a long-term affair (LTA), you made literally thousands of choices.

"It was just sex" or "He never meant anything to me". See above about the emasculation men feel from the sexual component of a WW's A. If he things you gave another man "just sex", he will feel it was because you found him irresistibly sexually attractive. He will then juxtapose that with himself and conclude that you never found your BH sexually attractive in that way.

"I chose/choose you". First, you dont get to choose. Your BH holds the choice. Second, which man did you sneak and lie to me with. To your BH, it will always feel like you chose the AP. The BH feels like "Plan B", a fallback now that the A was blown up.

Which leads me to the letter you wrote. Saccharine words. Words are mostly useless to you at this point. Though it is important for you to say them. Here on SI it is often said that actions speak louder than words. To date, your actions were to sneak and lie for the purpose of carrying on with another man, only stopping because you were caught. Your actions speak loud and clear.

R only works if the WW's actions toward her BH consistently reinforce that he is her Plan A in every respect, especially sexually. Consistent actions over years, with no promise that in the end it will succeed and thearriage will survive. Show him that you want him no matter what, that even if he is resolved to leave you, you want him at least for the waning minutes together. That's your path to R. This is why I said at the outset that you should look into your heart and be sure you truly want R.

If that is your truth, then the winning message to your BH is "I want you, no matter what. Even if you are going to leave me, as long as we have just a few moments together, I want you." In other words let go of the outcome. Dont focus on saving the marriage. Focus on desiring your BH as a man. Like you desired your AP as a man. No strings attached.


[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:34 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Jorge posted 8/1/2019 21:26 PM

My letter came from my heart. I was honest in everything I wrote. I'm not using his words against him. If I am then I have no idea how I am. I told him that I am not playing any games or trying to compete. I'm trying to show him how much I love him and want to be with him and that I am remorseful for what I've done and caused.

You have to understand you successfully reassured him during the affair,and he found out later his concerns with your boyfriend was warranted, so how could he possibly know the difference between your reassurances, previously and presently?

[This message edited by Jorge at 10:25 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

Wool94 posted 8/2/2019 02:25 AM

We had sex one time in July. I felt awkward and stopped it, but it was too late.†

First off, I'm sorry you and your husband have a reason to be here.

Secondly, let me tell you from experience, it's rare that the affair is what destroys reconciliation.

It's usually the lies and trickle truth that follow.

I have truly never understood the statement that you made above. We've seen that same statement made 1000 times (almost daily) by our own wayward spouses.

Hopefully you're the one in a million that is being truthful.

What baffles me about the statement is it just doesn't make sense.

What does it mean when you say you stopped it but it was too late?

If sex was started, then the end is whenever you stop. Blowjobs, handjobs... that's all sexual.

I understand he wants a polygraph. Here's where you can prove yourself, go the extra mile.

You set it up and pay for it as soon as possible.

I'm praying for you and him. I'm also praying you can prove us wrong.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 2:27 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

M1965 posted 8/2/2019 04:38 AM

LD,

The reason so many people are stressing the importance of honesty is because of what Wool94 mentions. It is a fact that many, many people say what truly destroyed their marriage was not the infidelity, but the fact that their wayward spouse continued to lie to them afterwards.

Continued lying becomes a barrier to a betrayed partner's ability to heal from the damage that an affair does, because if they are lied to repeatedly, they will never, ever feel like they have the complete truth.

If they feel like they do not have the complete truth, they do not begin the healing process. And it only takes a couple of lies for a wayward spouse to establish themselves as a person who can never, ever be trusted again. If you establish yourself as that in your husband's mind, it will be a huge factor in his decision process about his future.

Please understand that everyone is sending you these messages out of a desire for you to see the light and banish dishonesty from your relationship with your husband, and also from your relationship with yourself.

For example:

I wanted to stop things, but hadn't yet.

I would ask you whether wanting to stop things is something you wish you had felt as you look back on your actions now, rather than something you actually felt at the time. I say that because you had already had sex with the man, and chose to continue the relationship with him, which suggests a desire to continue the affair rather than stopping it.

Another way to look at it is that you were actively dishonest with your husband during your affair to protect it and continue it:

I want to say around April my husband came to me and told me that he was afraid he was losing me to another man. I told him he was crazy to think that and that I wasn't cheating on him. I remember sitting there during that conversation and having an outer body experience. I looked down at myself saying "what the fuck are you saying??? You're lying to your husband. You're doing the things he fears. Stop doing it all." I didn't stop. I continued to be selfish.

If you continue active dishonesty about the affair after the affair has been busted, then you are keeping a large, hurtful element of the affair alive in your relationship with your husband.

Is it really wise to do that, for your husband's emotional well-being, and for yours? Why keep the deceit of the affair going at a time when you want to build a new relationship with your husband?

There is a process that has the name 'trickle truth'. It is the name for what happens when a wayward spouse gives one account of their affair, only to follow it with more revelations, then more revelations, and then more revelations.

I sometimes wonder if that is because people find it hard to tell the complete truth in one hit, or they are testing the water by releasing a very sanitised, air-brushed 'press release', and seeing what the reaction is.

The trouble is, that slow release of the truth in batches of information, sometimes over the course of years, sends the betrayed spouse right back to square one every time.

At the start, they get version A of the truth. They try to get their head around it, deal with it, heal from it.

Six months into that healing, they get version B of the truth. So their six months of healing was a total waste of time, and they have a fresh D-Day (discovery day) to cope with, and start getting their head around, etc.

Three months later, they get version C of the truth, and it's back to the pain of D-Day all over again, and more time they thought they were healing goes down the toilet.

A person can only be put through that process a finite number of times before they conclude that they are never, ever going to have the complete truth, and that they will never be able to heal, which leads them with just one option: healing can only come from ending the relationship.

Now it could be that version C of the truth was absolutely every last detail, everything that could possibly be told, nothing omitted at all. That won't matter one jot if the person on the receiving end of it is convinced that there is still more to come because in their mind, there always is.

You see, it is not just about becoming 100% honest eventually. It is about becoming 100% immediately.

The timing of your re-commitment to honesty is crucial in the recovery process. I cannot stress that enough, and I am stressing it because I want to give your chance of saving your relationship with your husband, and your family, the best chance possible.

If you can find it within yourself to banish the active deceit of the affair and commit to honesty now, you can give your recovery a good chance. If it takes you two years to reach full honesty, it may be too late.

I wrote him a letter to explaining to him why I want to be with him. I told him what and how I love him. How I felt when I first fell in love with him and how I continued to feel. He feels that I am using his words against him and playing a game, trying to prove him wrong. He also feels that I am indifferent to our world crumbling. I don't know why he feels that. My letter came from my heart. I was honest in everything I wrote. I'm not using his words against him. If I am then I have no idea how I am. I told him that I am not playing any games or trying to compete. I'm trying to show him how much I love him and want to be with him and that I am remorseful for what I've done and caused. I know it will be impossible for him to believe anything I say right now. I just hope he can start believing me again one day. I want him to know that I really do want to fix myself and our marriage that I destroyed.

You did the right thing in writing that letter, and I hope that it was a true statement of your feelings. You cannot control how your husband will receive and process it, and right now, you have to bear in mind that your credibility with him is low, or possibly into negative numbers.

That is par for the course, and it would actually be strange if he had total and utter belief in the letter after being hit by a six month affair. In his place, you would probably feel the same.

However, this is where perseverance comes into play, if you really do mean what you wrote. You have written one letter, and it has hit the brick wall of disbelief that your actions during the affair built. If you write him another, it may hit the same brick wall. And the next. And the next.

However, if you prove by your perseverance that you are prepared to keep making efforts, that in itself will go some way towards convincing him that you are sincere about wanting to rebuild a relationship with him.

Single gestures will not provide an instant fix; repeated efforts will at least prove a level of commitment.

There is a weird level of recklessness that can enter the conduct of an affair. The decision to take your daughter to the house where you had sex with your affair partner to play with his children could be construed as you slipping further down the affair rabbit hole by playing happy families with your boyfriend.

Is it any wonder that that was the straw that broke the camel's back, and led to your husband blowing the affair up? How would you feel if your husband had taken your daughter to play with the children of a woman he was having an affair with, in the home where he had sex with her?

I do feel concerned that taking your daughter to the house where you betrayed her Father did not ring any alarm bells with you in terms of the significance of your actions.

It reminds me of another story here about a husband who was told by a neighbour who lived across the street from his house that a man from down the street was going to the husband's house every day when the husband was out at work.

The husband questioned his wife about it, and she lied and said the man was just a stay-at-home Dad she had befriended at the bus stop where they both took their kids to catch the schoolbus. The husband told his wife that he did not want other men coming to the house while he was at work. His wife said okay.

What she did not know was that the husband asked his neighbour across the street to call him if he saw the man going into the house again. The very next day after the husband had had his talk with his wife, the neighbour called and said the man had just gone into the house.

The husband worked close to home, so he drove back immediately, entered the house, and caught his wife having sex with her 'friend', the stay-at-home dad. The husband threw her out, and filed for divorce immediately.

Now why would his wife do something as reckless as that the day after being told that she had effectively been busted and he was onto her? And can you see how the 'lost' state of mind you must have been in to have gone to your affair partner's house to look after his kids after your husband made his unhappiness about it abundantly clear?

It was almost as if your husband had disappeared off your emotional radar completely, and his pain was inconsequential to you, particularly when you could do something to please your affair partner.

I mention this because there is much talk about 'love' in relation to affairs. Can you love someone while cheating on them? Did you love an affair partner? Endless variations on the theme have been discussed in these forums, and probably always will be.

Perhaps an easier concept to grasp in relation to affairs is that of allegiance. That during an affair, a wayward partner swaps their allegiance from their spouse to their affair partner. That is particularly clear in cases where women will cease to have sex with their husbands in periods when they are having sex with their affair partners, as if they do not want to cheat on their affair partners by having sex with their husbands.

The point of all of that is that for your husband, it will be clear to him that you switched your allegiance from him to your affair partner. That will make it hard for him to believe it when you say you have switched it back to him, as if your affair partner had vanished in a puff of smoke. And he may have a hard time giving credit or stability to allegiance that can be switched from one person to another so completely and so suddenly.

So please be prepared for your husband's 'questioning and disbelief' phase to last for some time. Essentially, what he is being asked to put his faith in is this:

The day before yesterday, you loved me. Yesterday, you loved him. Today you love me again.

Can you see how that is a tough thing for a person to get their head around? That is why your husband has a high level of incredulity at the moment, and may have for several months.

And that is why your best bet is to abandon any deceit, any lies, any air-brushing, sanitising, or white-washing that you do in your interactions with your husband, and tell him the plain, unvarnished truth.

Some of it may hurt him, but he needs the truth to enable him to heal, and it is better to get it all out now, and weather the storm, than to release it in bursts over the next few years. That really would grind him down.

None of this was written to hurt you, but to give you insight, in the hope that you can use it to give the recovery of your husband and your relationship with him the best chance possible.

[This message edited by M1965 at 7:15 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

dblackstar2002 posted 8/2/2019 06:23 AM

I will say this, You are far better than most cheaters I have ever heard of. You seem to truly love your husband. But make no mistake, You are in for the fight of you life. The only thing you can do is as others here have said, Be completely honest with him no matter how much you think it may hurt him. Honesty is key at this stage of your marriage. Also don't just tell him you love him, At this point words are meaningless to him you have to show him every day. If you are in the same house do things daily to show him you love him. And for gods sake, Never take your marriage for granted again...

HellFire posted 8/2/2019 07:25 AM

Don't be surprised,if after some time passes, the fact that you told him you chose him over OM, doesn't become a huge issue.

First, he is your husband. He should not have been in competition with another man.

Second, it sounds as if you weighed your options, and decided he was your best bet.

Third, saying you chose him makes it sound like you were the prize, the reward. Understand, he is the faithful, loving spouse. He is the prize.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:26 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Zugzwang posted 8/2/2019 08:06 AM

I have already written him a letter explaining why I choose him.

This is interesting. Why we choose them. Hence, why we valued them enough for ourselves to not leave and still cheat on the side. I have to wonder if a BS even wants that explanation. I am sure they are probably wondering why they aren't good enough to keep their WS faithful at first. However in time he will realize that he was always good enough and the real issue will be if you are good enough for them to want to stay with you. Instead of just focusing on why you value him more like a dog with a bone, try focusing on why you did it. Your letter though might be true, is a selfish one. It is about you and why you want what you threw away. It will only hurt him more. It should be about how you failed and what he deserved and deserves.

First, he is your husband. He should not have been in competition with another man.

Second, it sounds as if you weighed your options, and decided he was your best bet.

Third, saying you chose him makes it sound like you were the prize, the reward. Understand, he is the faithful, loving spouse. He is the prize.

BINGO

You say you don't blame him, yet here are two reasons why you said you cheated.

He didn't come off as if he judged me for my past/opinions.
I mentioned to him that I wasn't sure if he was in love with because of things he said to me years ago.
Really makes it clear to him that you cheated because of him. Those things might be some shit you have issues with, but the deeper issue is your resentment and inability to communicate that you had this resentment to your spouse like a healthy adult would. At the very least your perceived schema that your husband was judging you all this time when he may not have been but your paranoia of your past decisions were really you judging yourself. If he did judge you, is he capable of getting over this and can you live with him judging you of these bad choices? Will you continue to hold resentment and let it affect your self confidence and esteem?

I am committed to fixing what I broke in our marriage.
You need to be committed to fixing yourself first. Your marriage can't be fixed while you remain the type of person that can not only cheat, but also take your role as a teacher and protector of that APs child so callously. This isn't about your marriage. This is about you.

I thought I loved the OM,
I thought I loved him too. I didn't. It wasn't love that I felt, but I said it.
Start with being honest to your husband. Admit that you loved the other man. Admit it to yourself as well. Then, tell him that you now know that what you thought and felt was wrong because you can look back on it and see it was about what he was feeding you and you were choosing to take (hence you weren't tricked). The whole bullshit...I wasn't in love but I said it line is a lie. You thought you loved him, you have written it twice here.


but I'm realizing that it was how he tricked me into feeling that I loved.
You weren't tricked. You aren't a victim. You played each other. The only ones tricked were the betrayed spouses and your children. Take ownership that you used each other and everyone around including your role as a teacher.

The truth is, you never wanted him to find out, but you knew it would DEVASTATE him and did it anyway.
BINGO

You have a ton to tackle and you need to let go of the outcome and focus on your whys and what is wrong with you. Not the marriage. Not in keeping your husband.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 8:21 AM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Robert22205https posted 8/2/2019 08:27 AM

Trust is very difficult to restore. You're smart and are reading the books discussing the damage your affair caused. You learned the applicable words like 'remorse'.

But using the word or using certain phrases doesn't make it true (that's what your husband is talking about). To him it sounds fake (like you're just repeating what you read). You need to convert the words to action.

Have you provided all texts and photos exchanged with the OM?

If you deleted the texts, take the initiative and ask an IT person to recover the texts - as an act of sincerity and so your husband can confirm your story.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 08:39 AM

Hellfire

My husband was not in competition with the OM. There was no competition because my husband is a better man than him in every possible way. I wrote him that letter because he asked me to. He asked me to tell him why I still choose him after choosing another man for months. I don't view my husband as my "best bet." I view my husband as the love of my life who I have hurt in the worst possible way. He is the Grand prize that I had and lost because of my affair because of my selfish and despicable actions. I wrote him that letter because he asked me to and I listened to his words. Trust me, I wish I could show him in person but he asked me to leave our house and I did.

Pippin posted 8/2/2019 08:59 AM

LifeDestroyer, I know you have a bunch of stuff you are working on processing but I do want to call out one more thing. You donít HAVE to continue working at the school - you can break your contract.

I realize there are family financial considerations but your marriage is as stake. Do whatever you need to do to show your husband you are more serious about this than anything you've ever done. Get away from the school and find a job that replaces as much of the income and benefits as you can. I don't know what he says he wants but his head is spinning and I can't imagine this would be a negative step when he considers in the future how you behaved immediately after dday. Perhaps your husband can approach the superintendent and ask if your daughter can attend a neighboring school.

[This message edited by Pippin at 3:00 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

bookworm19 posted 8/2/2019 09:04 AM

No time for pride, stop deleting evidence (this is plain lying) and give him the whole truth. Everything else is pure manipulation, sadly.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 09:22 AM

I apologize if I have come off as the victim of my AP. I am not, nor do I feel that I am. I did this. I walked into this. I continued this. I told these lies. I am not denying any of that. Yes, I thought I loved the OM, but after talking with my therapist and reading tons of posts/articles/stories I'm starting to realize that I didn't love him, I loved what I was feeling. He gave me tons of compliments, he told me he loved me, he told me he understood my feelings (anger, frustration, sadness, confusion) on day to day things. He told me everything I needed to hear, so I thought I loved him because I thought he loved me. I thought I loved two men, but I didn't. I was in a bubble with the OM and in love with my husband.


Yes, I have TTed. I have been selfish in wanting to spare my husband. I know I shouldn't and can't do that. I don't know if he wants my timeline to include every nitty gritty thing or a like a pg version. I'm afraid to ask because I don't want him to think I am trying to hide stuff. I don't want to write in detail if all he wanted was a snapshot. I want to write it like he wants. I did ask him how he wanted me to send it to him. He wants two copies, so that he can read it and I can read the words to him. He brought up a polygraph last night. I've seen it brought up a lot on these forums, so I'm guessing people have told him to do it on his post. I will take one if he asks me too. I will also look into retrieving my texts with the OM. I deleted him and them from my phone after dday. I have a meeting on Monday with my principal and his boss. Since we are held into our contracts for the year, they will probably fire me which is honestly what should happen. I know I have to find some type of job and enroll our daughter in a different school.

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