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I destroyed my husband

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LifeDestroyer posted 8/8/2019 07:12 AM

What do you want your family to look like on that day. Now is the time to look in that direction and put one foot in front of the other.

I want my family to look like my husband and I holding each other while we cry waving bye to our daughter. A family who has learned to really communicate in a healthy way. A family who has come out in there side stronger and happy again. A family that lives each other more than anything and shows it.

I know you probably weren't looking for a response.

Butforthegrace posted 8/8/2019 11:04 AM

In the months leading up to my current marriage, my pastor asked me to imagine what I will do when I reach the point where I am so angry or fed up with my wife that I am 100% certain I no longer wish to be married to her. He then asked me to think about what I will do to get past that and stay married, because almost all married couples who stay together for a lot of years face that precipice more than once.

Pippin posted 8/8/2019 13:54 PM

Have you been completely honest?

How are your whys coming along?

What have you learned in the short term about how to take care of your husband?

LifeDestroyer posted 8/10/2019 15:04 PM

Yesterday afternoon my husband asked if I could come over so we could talk alone. When I arrived, he said he written a letter explaining his emotions. It was the most emotion filled letter ever, I can't find the words to explain it. It was heart wrenching to see him be so vulnerable and cry while reading and to hear the words of all that I have taken from him. I sat next to him with my hand on his back and face against his back crying. After he read it, he spoke for while and I listened to him. He said he wasn't sure what he wants or if he could ever reconcile. I was terrified.

He then caressed my face and I fell into his hand crying. He then pulled me to his chest and held me as I sobbed. He said "at least you don't have to buy me a ln anniversary gift (it's Thursday) or ever again really." I immediately thought he was going to say that he wanted a divorce. A minute later he said "you can come home," and I cried even harder and thanked him. He told me that this doesn't mean anything, no guarantee of R. I told him I understood. I asked if there were ground rules, but he said that he didn't know he was going to tell me to come home until he said it. I offered to stay in the guest room so he can still have his space. I told him that if me being out in the living room ever gets to be to much to tell me and I will go in the room. He went over a few rules regarding work and other men and if I ever run into my AP. I told him that I will do everything he said.

He said he has a gut feeling that this is the wrong decision, but he didn't know for sure. I told him that I will work each day to make that gut feeling disappear. This morning he asked if I ever cried to the om, and said no which is the truth. I then sat next to him in bed and touched his arm. We sat there for a few silent minutes. He said quietly said that the images just keep going through his mind and asked how I could do this. I told him that I ask myself that every day, which I do. I rubbed his head for a minutes, and I think he felt calm and relaxed for those few minutes.

I intend on doing everything he asked and more. I want to show him that allowing me back wasn't a bad decision. I want to show him that I can be a woman that he can love again.

HellFire posted 8/10/2019 15:28 PM

When a new WS shows up here, it's a mystery as to why they are here. Especially when their BS had been posting. We wonder if the WS is trying to learn how to cover their ass. We wonder if they're just saying what they feel they have to say. And doing, what they need to,until things become more calm. It's never clear if they are truly remorseful. Time, and their actions, determine that.

I tend to be direct with the new WS. Guarded. Jaded? I ask tough questions. I watch how they respond to the comments on their thread. Often,it becomes clear the WS is here, possibly full of regret, but not remorse.

I've watched your thread. And your husband's. I've commented on both, as I saw fit.

I have to say, I believe you and your husband will successfully reconcile. It will take years. And you can never take your eye off the prize. Him. He is the prize. You will have to continue to show your remorse,your dedication, your vulnerability. You must do the work. Exercise patience. Never be defensive. Help him through his pain.

I think you have a real shot at what you want. I believe he wants it to. He is traumatized, scared, and drowning in pain. And he still loves his wife.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:30 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/10/2019 15:34 PM

Hellfire,

Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot. I too hope that we can successfully reconcile, and I 100% know that he is the prize that I will work my butt off to win. I know this will be long full of ups and downs, possibly more downs than ups, but I will not give up.

HellFire posted 8/10/2019 15:41 PM

I admit,this time last week, I saw regret. But,with every new post this past week, I think we all have watched you reach remorse. I believe you are truly remorseful. Which, this early out, is rather unusual. Many WS seem to take months. My bullshit meter is finely tuned. I believe you.

M1965 posted 8/10/2019 16:10 PM

Hi LD,

I am very pleased that both of you have this opportunity to make a new start, and build a more communicative, more secure relationship.

The key thing that your husband needs is security. He needs a person to be his rock. To love and value him beyond all others, and more than that, to protect his heart and his life as if they are the most priceless things there have ever been.

I think that you can become that person, if you truly want to.

I think that both you and your husband had childhoods that left you with baggage in your coping mechanisms. Self-isolation may have begun as a defence mechanism for you, but it developed into a way of life. Your husband shared that his Dad abandoned him, and it does not take much imagination to see why he needs a rock solid secure person in his corner and in his life.

I hope that both of you will learn how to open up to each other. Your husband is a truly remarkable man. Become a truly remarkable woman for him.

Be gentle, be patient, give it time.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/10/2019 16:15 PM

M1965

I want to be his rock again. I want him to know that I am the person who has back and will keep him safe. I want to be his rock again. I know he is a remarkable man. I took him for granted, and I won't do that ever again. I want to become a remarkable woman for him, our daughter, and myself. I don't want to be the person I was for the past 7 months.

RubixCubed posted 8/10/2019 16:44 PM

He went over a few rules regarding work and other men and if I ever run into my AP. I told him that I will do everything he said.

Do you mind sharing these rules?

LifeDestroyer posted 8/10/2019 16:48 PM

1. I am not to have any contact with the AP (I did nc on dday and only contacted him when my husband told me to) If he contacts me, I am to immediately tell my husband. If I see him out while running errands, I said that I will immediately turn the other way and tell my husband.

2. At school, I am not to be alone with any men. I said that for meetings, I will make sure that another woman is present. If the meeting can take place in the office, then I will have it there.

3. No offering rides to any men.

4. I won't be heading up any clubs. I will focus on being a good teacher.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 4:48 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

M1965 posted 8/10/2019 17:22 PM

I want to be his rock again. I want him to know that I am the person who has back and will keep him safe. I want to be his rock again. I know he is a remarkable man. I took him for granted, and I won't do that ever again. I want to become a remarkable woman for him, our daughter, and myself. I don't want to be the person I was for the past 7 months.

That is really good to hear. When you truly want to make something happen, it goes a long, long way towards bringing it to pass. It becomes the fuel that powers your efforts.

Good for you!

Meetvirginia posted 8/10/2019 18:08 PM

LD. Your posts make me so hopeful. You are making tremendous strides. It is something to be very proud of. I wish you the best and I look forward to hearing more of your recovery.

Butforthegrace posted 8/10/2019 19:50 PM

Here is a thought to ponder as you work internally on understanding your "whys" and making yourself safe. All marriages have ups and downs. Some more than others. The quotidian grind of emptying the grease trap and cleaning the dishes and washing the clothes over and over and over, hundreds of times, can sometimes cast a shade over the light of the flame that resides at the heart of the marriage. Add to that some trauma arising from hurts, breached boundaries, battles with inner demons, at some point each spouse yearns to hear a voice telling her or him that she/he is desired, that he/she is loved, that she/he is beautiful.

When we feel deprived of those things inside the marriage, we can become vulnerable to the simulacrum of them that is presented opportunistically by the prowling reptiles that are almost always about. Why did you give yourself to a disease-infected, lying, cheating piece of shit? Because he was a master of disguise and he recognized what you thought you wanted to hear.

But consider this. Your BH brings home his paycheck every two weeks and it is all for the family. He has battled his demon alcohol, so that he could be a better man and husband. He takes out the trash and kills the bugs and hangs the pictures and fixes things, all of them day in and day out, for you, because he loves you. In what universe is that level of all-day-every-day-both-feet-in commitment not an expression of desire and love a million times more powerful and beautiful than saccharine words uttered by a piece of human scum who simply wants to get in your pants on a no-strings-attached basis?

I point that out because the path to R isn't found by focusing on the marriage. It is found by focusing on your BH as a man, and letting him know that you see him as a man, love him as a man, crave him as a man, no matter whether you are married to him or not.

Zugzwang posted 8/10/2019 22:16 PM

When we feel deprived of those things inside the marriage, we can become vulnerable to the simulacrum of them that is presented opportunistically by the prowling reptiles that are almost always about.

disagree. It is when we feel deprived of those things inside ourselves from ourselves, we can choose to cheat with someone like ourselves. If she was full inside and enough for herself, she would have treated herself better and taken other options. There is no path to true R the marriage without fixing you first. Being enough for you.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/11/2019 10:07 AM

I reread his letter that he wrote me last night. I broke down crying reading each word. I ran my fingers over his words feeling his emotions coming through each one. I touched the words "my rock, my friend, my moral compass, I had lost you" a dozen times crying because I knew what I done to him. I went into the living room where he was and hugged him crying and apologized. I broke his heart into a million little pieces. I took away everything he knew. I destroyed the love he had for me. I blew up his world.

After I put our daughter to bed, I read him plan of action on how I will work to become a safe partner for him again. After I read it, he said it's great that I have a plan but he's still trying to grasp that I had an affair. I told him that I am not trying to minimize my actions, that I am wanting to do things on his term. I don't want to push him away even further.

I want to take all of his pain away. I want to have never done the things that I did, never said the things that I said. I know I can't take the past away. It happened. I made the worst choices ever in our lives. I want to be here and help the man that I love.

NoOptTo posted 8/11/2019 15:55 PM

LD,

You are fortunate that your BH, though totally broken as a man, followed his instinct the order day after reading you his letter, allowing you to come back home. I find it impressive that you are seeing how you have destroyed him so early on in your process of finding yourself and trying to become a better partner due to your poor choices. Please please please do not lie to him if and when he questions you about your A or POSOM. Trickle truthing, forgetting, or out n out lying is what will doom any attempt of R if he decides to offer R to you.

You have been given a life line because he loves you so much. If you truly love him, put in the work learning your FOO. Making him feel safe. Learning better boundaries. Apologize on a regular basis. Learn his triggers and support him when he is down. Never get defensive or angry with him when he is triggered. Yet dont let him demean you as a person. It's a sticky wicket this one. Be supportive and keeping your dignity as a person. You have a lot of work to do to rebuild trust, comfort, etc. Please if you think you cant put in the work over the long haul, let him know so you two can switch from R to D amicably.

I'm rooting for you two. Only time will tell if you two have what it takes to build a new M.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/11/2019 16:09 PM

I knew on dday how much I destroyed him, but after that letter it's really kicking in and taking hold of me almost. I haven't blamed him once for my choices and won't. Even though we have been together for 17 years, I guess I had forgotten how much he loved me. The things that he said or acted told me that things has changed from the beginning of our relationship. Seeing him cry, watching the emotions wash over his face, hearing the helplessness in his voice, reading the words he wrote me...that love was always there I just didn't see it. I wanted actions and words from him. I wanted it all. Selfish. Now, all I want is to take this pain away that I have caused in him. I can and will put the work into helping him, build trust again, help him to be comfortable around me and want to be intimate, do whatever I can to avoid triggers and help him through them if allows it.

I am starting to write my whys out, or at least trying to figure them out. I feel like I know already, but based on other's comments and his, I doubt myself. I will continue to work through them. He also thinks that I really don't know what I want, which is to be with him, he thinks I'm just saying/feeling that because my life has also gone into chaos. I completely understand what he is saying. I just keep telling him that I do know what I want and it's isn't because my life is in chaos mode right.

I know the road ahead will be filled with the hardest biggest speed bumps ever, along with potholes and roundabouts (I hate those things), but I am determined to navigate through it all and hopefully with my husband.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/11/2019 16:20 PM

Last night after I read him my plan and we talked, he said that he doesn't want to see me in pain. My heart stopped when he said that. Here is a man who I have ripped his heart out and chewed it to shreds, is telling me that he doesn't want to see me in pain. I know that I don't deserve this man. I know that him giving me this second chance is the biggest gift and extremely difficult for him. I will not take this chance for granted. I will NOT take him for granted again.

Ponus18 posted 8/11/2019 18:49 PM

I don't have any words of wisdom as many others here do. I spend more time on the Just Found Out forum including reading your H's thread.

I just find you to be pretty remarkable. Both of you. I can be naive sometimes but I think I've got this right - I believe you through and through and I just want to wish you the best and I hope you have a successful reconciliation. It's been a tear jerker reading your posts honestly.

Maybe print out or save somehow this thread and refer to it in the years to come. So much wisdom here.

Best of luck to you.

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