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I destroyed my husband

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LifeDestroyer posted 8/11/2019 18:51 PM

Ponus, I am far from remarkable. I think maybe you meant to my husband as the remarkable one, but I greatly appreciate your well wishes for us.

M1965 posted 8/11/2019 20:00 PM

Last night after I read him my plan and we talked, he said that he doesn't want to see me in pain. My heart stopped when he said that. Here is a man who I have ripped his heart out and chewed it to shreds, is telling me that he doesn't want to see me in pain. I know that I don't deserve this man. I know that him giving me this second chance is the biggest gift and extremely difficult for him. I will not take this chance for granted. I will NOT take him for granted again.

Think about that. Really think about it.

Your husband is a guy who can pound another guy into the ground, but his feeling for you is gentle and loving. As a woman, you may have times where you wonder how men's minds work. There may have even been times where you wonder if our minds work at all!

What you can see now is that a man in pain can default to caring for the woman he loves, even after she has hurt him.

You are already seeing that, and processing it.

Life has handed you an opportunity to have a relationship with a man who is the total opposite of your affair partner. A man capable of knocking down another man who challenges him, yet who is emotionally capable of expressing his vulnerability and fragility to the woman he loves.

That, LD, is a special man indeed.

He may not be perfect, none of us are, but he has put his heart in your hands. Treasure it. I think you will.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/11/2019 20:05 PM

M1965

I couldn't agree more with your words.

Butforthegrace posted 8/11/2019 20:24 PM

I want to take all of his pain away.

You unfortunately won't be able to do that. Imagine if you had hit his knee with a hammer, shattering his kneecap. For life, he will limp. When it's cold and damp, it will ache.

His emotional being will be like that shattered knee. The pain will be a presence for life. He will limp emotionally. When certain triggers are present, it will ache.

The best you can to is be there to help him walk when the pain is strong, and be aware of triggers so you can anticipate him and soothe him.

What you can see now is that a man in pain can default to caring for the woman he loves, even after she has hurt him.

This sums it all up. Despite the pain, the injury, he is still doing what he promised to do as a husband. Loving you. I cannot imagine a more powerful expression of the reality that he finds you attractive and desirable.


SorrowfulMoon posted 8/12/2019 10:49 AM

Wise words from Butforthegrace and many others on this and your husband's thread.

Just be careful both of you not to romanticise your reconciliation. It will be hard, painful work for both of you and may not always bring rewards for your efforts. It's a bit like losing weight only a thousand times worse. A quick fix diet never works in the long run. What you need to do is institute healthy attitudes, healthy boundaries and remain disciplined throughout. There will inevitably be lapses but you need to stay strong and not give yourself the excuse to wander off canon.

You are both flawed people as we all are. It's how you deal with those flaws that defines you. Please deal with them effectively and lovingly. Good luck to you both. I have great hopes.

thatwilldo posted 8/12/2019 11:44 AM

LD,

Pardon me if someone has already mentioned this, but the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass, is an excellent and well-researched book about how people get into affairs.
she asks an important question: How did you allow yourself to have an affair?

I think it could be a big help to you and your BS also for setting strong boundaries.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/12/2019 12:13 PM

I have all of those books and have been reading. Yesterday wasn't a good day. He slept pretty much all day and then did yardwork. I knew he wanted space, so I didn't bug him. We maybe said a few words to each other during the day. After our daughter went to bed, I asked him how he was doing. He said "not good" and that he didn't want to wake up today to his new life. He said he didn't know if he wanted to R, that his gut was telling him not to I guess. I then said that he didn't want to settle for me. I didn't know what to say. I asked him to please keep giving me this chance to prove myself to him, to prove that I don't want to be that person I was for the past 7 months.

Oldwounds posted 8/12/2019 12:22 PM

I asked him how he was doing. He said "not good" and that he didn't want to wake up today to his new life.

"Not good," is going to be the answer for a LOT of days, regardless of what he decides. I asked my wife to stop asking the question because she had to know, early on, that the answer was never going to be positive. So, she started asking if there was anything she could do to help. Sometimes I needed space, sometimes I needed to ask questions, etc.

I asked him to please keep giving me this chance to prove myself to him, to prove that I don't want to be that person I was for the past 7 months.

For me, I didn't want many words or new promises. I needed actions, consistent actions showing me I was important and that she could be the safe partner I need. It wasn't easy for my wife to repair her own damage and keep an eye on my healing at the same time, but it helped that she was relentless in her pursuit of me and being grateful for one last chance.

DoinBettr posted 8/12/2019 16:41 PM

I hope you are journaling. Ask him to as well. I will tell him to on his thread as well. You guys are going so fast, it is like someone put a brick on the gas pedal to reconcile being on this site together.

When you 2 have to do the work and we have to slow down the guidance, things are going to get rough. That is where the journals come in. Read good days and bad days. Bad days show you how far you have come, good days give you hope for more when he says terrible things, he will, you know you deserve them and worse. Be glad he got to punch out your AP, that helped more than you can know.

Now my recommendation for you. He feels like he is accepting an unjust marriage. You got to have 2 men and only love him with "at most" half your heart. He gets to stay with you and gets nothing from this deal but a bag of scars.
Set an alarm on your phone and send him an "I love you so much, thank you for letting me be here message." Then send him a naked pic. Yeah, I went there. He needs to know you desire him. That making this decision makes him sexier than any other man alive. Brag about this awesome moment to your friends who know and talk about "Jokingly if you have to" how great he is in the bedroom. He needs the ego boost right now while his self esteem is in the crapper where you put it. Saying to other people when he is around or not around will help him see that you are pushing him up even if it makes you look bad. This isn't to punish him, it is to show him that you will sacrifice your pride for his self esteem. A small token of love. Give it time.
Also, the next time he is working in the yard, take a picture of him and text it to him telling him how sexy he looks. Put it on Facebook if you have that. Again, feed his ego however you can. He ate a lot of crow letting you come back.
Good luck. You are doing things right. You just need to stock up these love credits while you can because they will go away when you need to start pulling this marriage along by yourself.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/12/2019 17:15 PM

Doinbettr

I am journaling, however I'm not sure if he is. Friday he said he wanted me to say I love you every time I felt, then last night he said those words don't mean anything. He also said he doesn't want any pictures because he won't know if I've sent them to someone else (I unfortunately sent pictures to the OM).

Butforthegrace posted 8/12/2019 17:27 PM

A word about the pics. Dont be surprised if they end up on the internet. Your AP sounds like a piece of shit. Multiple times cheating on his wife. Rawdogging his kids teacher while infected with an STD and failing to tell you.

Your BH beat him up. He will probably want revenge. One way to get it will be to post your pictures in a way that causes you maximum embarrassment. Just a word of warning to prepare your BH for the possibility of that.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 5:42 PM, August 12th (Monday)]

HellFire posted 8/12/2019 17:38 PM

He will be like this for a long time. One minute he will say he wants *this,* then a few hours later, he will say he wants *that.*

The truth is, he doesnt know what he wants. No, that's not true. He wants a time machine. But, aside from that, being a BS in the early months,especially, is so hard. The emotional rollercoaster never ends. It's painful,confusing, and exhausting.

It will be hard for you to deal with these ups and downs. You need to buckle up, and ride this rollercoaster with him. Make sure you show him he isn't alone.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/12/2019 17:44 PM

I know he will be up and down, left and right with his emotions and words. I just wish I knew the right things to say that won't upset him. A time machine would be amazing.

Zugzwang posted 8/12/2019 20:06 PM

I am journaling, however I'm not sure if he is. Friday he said he wanted me to say I love you every time I felt, then last night he said those words don't mean anything. He also said he doesn't want any pictures because he won't know if I've sent them to someone else (I unfortunately sent pictures to the OM).

From my experience there were many times my wife didn't really know what she wanted and I have read as much here on general. Just be flexible. Shock and trauma do that to a person. Also expect to have the same questions asked again and again and please don't get defensive. They do that. Each time they ask it, they are looking for something. Inconsistency, things to fall into place, sometimes they may not even hear the answer the first time due to shock.

Butforthegrace posted 8/12/2019 21:01 PM

There is a thread on here, something about "what every new WS should know." It's worth reading.

pearlamici posted 8/12/2019 21:08 PM

Beautiful analogy Butforthegrace.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/12/2019 21:10 PM

I read that thread the first time he sent me the link to this site. I saved that post to my phone and have read it multiple times.

Pippin posted 8/13/2019 04:57 AM

LifeDestroyer, I'm so glad to hear you are home.

Be very careful of this:

He slept pretty much all day and then did yardwork. I knew he wanted space, so I didn't bug him.
Unless you are TOTALLY sure he doesn't want you to bug him, I'd assume he wants constant reassurance. He wants you to *pursue* him. He needs to know that you want him, that you prefer him, that you desperately need him, that you always wanted him and didn't know how to break out of your patterns. Allowing him to go off and be lonely in his own house might, I guess, be what he really needed at that moment, but I doubt it. You can always just go out in the yard and give him a quick hug and say I"m so glad to be home.

The level of reassurance I gave my husband for a while was intense. I didn't let him be alone, ever. Even when he said he wanted to be alone, I didn't believe him and stayed with him and it was never (not once!) the wrong thing. Your husband might be different but I would be very careful about it. It's more likely that he doesn't want to ask you for what he needs, he wants you to try, over and over, and figure it out even when you are unsuccessful. It's the trying that counts.

I read early on that the affair is always on my husband's mind and I could and should bring it up regularly to provide openings for him to talk and to make sure it's never off the table for him. Now that we are a few months out, and over the most intense part, I can tell when he really is OK not talking about it. But it's still open, every day. And it's not just "I got back from IC and want to share an angle with you." I send him threads to talk about, when he's sitting in certain places I come up behind him and say "I know you were sitting here when you found that, I'm so sorry, are you ok?", I send him old emails and tell him how much they mean, etc etc. I could send a long list if you need ideas.

Also, sexual reassurance is extremely important. Pursue him like never before. Daily. Morning, noon, night, please-come-home-from-your-work-lunch . Bring in variety and break a few rules. And if you've truly worn him out sexually, just lie in bed and see what feels good with no end in sight. If you need to get in the mood, remind yourself how lucky you are to be home.

You're over a huge hurdle but you're not done. You've done a great job so far but it's not easy. Keep asking for help, and when you need it.

Butforthegrace posted 8/13/2019 05:34 AM

Have you had an opportunity to confirm medically whether you caught an STD from this guy? Keep in mind that in most states it's a crime to have unprotected sex while knowingly having an STD. If you are infected, you might consider legal action against the AP.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/13/2019 09:05 AM

Last night he said that he still hasn't accepted that I had an affair. He said if he accepts it, then that means he has to deal with it and he would rather not. He told me that I should really start thinking about divorce (what I want, how much money I want from him, etc.) I told him that I want to think about us trying to reconcile. He kept saying the biggest issue is custody of our daughter because he doesn't want just weekends. He said he tried thinking of ways to hurt me, but in the end he doesn't want to see me hurt. He stood up and we just stared at each other for awhile. He said even at that moment he wanted to kiss me and that his mind is so messed up. I told him maybe he feels that because he still loves me, but he shook his head no and said he doesn't think so, how could he after what I did to him.

I want so bad for him to want to try to work on us. I want so bad for him to have a thought that we possibly could rebuild our relationship. I want so bad, but I know none of it is my choice. I made a horrific choice that has led to the fate of future together resting on my husband's shoulders.

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