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I destroyed my husband

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ShutterHappy posted 8/16/2019 17:27 PM

edited wrong thread

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 5:27 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/16/2019 17:28 PM

Wrong post Shutter

66charger posted 8/16/2019 21:47 PM

And.....?

So what happened last night?

Sorry I think the whole forum needs some good news.

[This message edited by 66charger at 9:47 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/16/2019 22:06 PM

The three of us watched our wedding video. He cried a lot as he heard us reading our vows. We then sat out in the living room, and I apologized for breaking my vows and he apologized for not protecting me like he said he would in his vows. I told her had nothing to apologize for. We then kissed a lot, it felt amazing, stares into each other's eyes. He picked me and carried me to our room like he did on our wedding night, over the threshold. We then fooled around, no sex. The day ended so much better than I thought it was going to when I woke up yesterday morning.

But then today happened

I came home from work to see that he had read the timeline I was writing again which I wasn't done writing. I went into the room where he was and asked if he wanted to talk. He then said that he also read my journal. Some of what I think are my whys were written down. He said he shouldn't have read my journal. I told him it was ok if he wanted to read it. He then said that he knew yesterday wasn't real, what we felt. I tried pleading with him because I know more than anything what we felt was real. The kissing, the hugging so damn tightly, the touching it was all real because we love each other. He said I'm only doing this because I don't think can survive alone. I told him I would have no choice but to survive on my own because of our daughter. It would be awful and suck so damn much to be without him, but I would still have to work so I could provide for our kid. He said I said it so nonchalantly, I did not. He then asked questions about the night I had sex, positions, who did what first, what was I wearing. He asked me what underwear I wore but I really don't remember which one's I brought. I told him it was probably one of the ones I threw out. Over the weekend I threw away all of the underwear that I had worn in a picture that I sent AP. Well that angered him. I thought throwing them away was the right thing to do, get rid of anything to do with him. Nope. He then told me to hang the pajamas I word that night on a nail in our room so he could what I did. His friend then came over to get something and that was the end of our talk. He didn't say anything to me after and went to bed.

Yesterday ended up being so great, and then today happened.

ShutterHappy posted 8/16/2019 22:17 PM

LifeDestroyer,

First I apologize for posting in the wrong thread; it took me only one minute to realize my error, but you are so darn quick

Secondly, I just want to throw a few words of encouragement your way. Itís not a sprint, itís a marathon. One step at a time!

Lionne posted 8/16/2019 22:43 PM

I'm afraid that roller coaster experience is going to be your norm for a long, long time. I am MANY years out from the last bit of truth and I still trigger, still perseverate on things I know, and things he said and did. I handle it all a lot differently than I used to, but that pain will always be with me. My husband knows this and tries to anticipate things, tries to be empathetic, it doesn't come easily to him.

You've described some things you've done that can help him heal. I'm confident you'll learn to do this more and more. Unfortunately, the decision to end or keep the marriage may be independent of all the work you do. You have no control over that.

I believe wholeheartedly that your conscious mind truly does forget details. Your description of the lack of memories is concerning.

I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist. I have been at this for a long time. I strongly encourage you to get intensive treatment as well as a psychiatric evaluation to rule out any underlying conditions that may have contributed to your poor choices. Investigate whether or not there may have been some traumatic childhood issues that you've blocked from memory. If that's the case, he still has no obligation to stay in the marriage, better or worse, sickness and health just don't count if staying makes the BS ill.

Your marriage will never be the same. But it can survive and even thrive.

Holding you in the LIGHT...

skerzoid posted 8/17/2019 10:23 AM

LD:
Fellow educator here. Fellow victim of child abuse.
All you can do is what you have been doing.
Love Him.
Tell Him You Love Him. Every day. No matter what.
Put up with his downs and celebrate his ups.
Make no excuses, for there are none.
Answer every question honestly, every day for ever.
Pray for the best.
Eventually, the wound will heal, but there will always be a scar.
Someone once asked an older man how he acquired such good judgement? His answer? "Experience". How did you get experience? "Poor Judgement."
That may be hard to accept, but its either accept what you did as "poor judgement" and continue on with developing "good judgement" or just stay in poor judgment.
I wish you two the best.

[This message edited by skerzoid at 2:25 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/17/2019 14:38 PM

He then said that he knew yesterday wasn't real, what we felt. I tried pleading with him because I know more than anything what we felt was real.

Yesterday was real. Today is also real. The affair was real.
I think your days will randomly go from great to very bad to somewhere in the middle. Like they say, one day at a time.

Even in the middle of a great day with you and him and the kid a voice may pop up in his head asking why you were willing to risk this for A.
And that will make him sad or mad or shut down, he will need time, and patience from you.

I wish you luck.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:39 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

66charger posted 8/17/2019 14:54 PM

Your perception is skewed to what YOU want right now. The glass is not half empty, it is half full.

You can not control the battle between his head and his heart.
Time will give him the answer. The fact that you are still living together gives you a fighting chance. Use it wisely.

[This message edited by 66charger at 12:01 AM, August 19th (Monday)]

gmc94 posted 8/17/2019 15:25 PM

FWIW, quick bit of info from the BS side. I - and other BS - often experience a little d of emotional hangover after positive interaction with my WH. It sounds like he may be having this too. I think itís common - if not normal - for a BS to feel really shitty after a ďgoodĒ time. Anger/rage, intense pain and grief, etc. it can be a very low point on the coaster.

I can posit a bunch of theories, but at the end of the day I think itís our lizard brain making DAMN sure we donít get lured into trusting, etc based on some fleeting (and powerful) release of oxytocin or whatever other harmones that flood us via moments of intimacy (physical or emotional). Our lizard brain telling us to not get fooled again. For me, the timing changed, but I still get the hangovers.

66charger posted 8/17/2019 15:38 PM

one more thing. You must find out what that deal breaker is. There are a lot of reasons why he feels he needs to go, but one of them seems insurmountable. Find the dealbreaker and tackle it head on. Time may help alleviate the other reasons but if you are able to remove the one that is causing him the most damage, your chances will improve.

[This message edited by 66charger at 12:02 AM, August 19th (Monday)]

Atrowspark posted 8/17/2019 20:14 PM

I want to say around April my husband came to me and told me that he was afraid he was losing me to another man. I told him he was crazy to think that and that I wasn't cheating on him. I remember sitting there during that conversation and having an outer body experience. I looked down at myself saying "what the fuck are you saying??? You're lying to your husband. You're doing the things he fears. Stop doing it all." I didn't stop. I continued to be selfish.


I continued to talk to him and see him. We would hang out in his garage, talk, and fool around sometimes. We had sex one time in July


The dealbreaker That 66charger is referring to is your escalation of the affair to PA after he voiced his concerns and attempts to fix your relationship. I provided supporting context from your posts rather than your BH's since that is not allowed.

[This message edited by Atrowspark at 8:16 PM, August 17th (Saturday)]

Ponus18 posted 8/18/2019 15:50 PM

LD - Iím not a big fan of reconciliation but I know many here have done so successfully and I support them and couldnít be happier of course. But weíre all th product of our own experiences and at my core I rarely ďrootĒ for reconciliation.

Your story is different and I canít put my finger on it. I am pulling for you both to find happiness together again. And I think you will in fact. You have handled things very well (after handling the A obviously so terribly). Posting here and remaining so open to the advice of so many who have been successful with R (which I was not) I think will continue to be critical to your success and your happiness together as a couple again one day.

Continued good luck to you both.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/18/2019 16:15 PM

It's been a very sad, quiet, confusing, crying, don't know what's going on type of weekend. Today I read him two things that I wrote, one about how he is a far better man than any I have ever known, and the other an apology/thank you for giving me a chance type of letter. We then talked for awhile. Talked about things that have happened in our past together that he questioned why we were still together. He still says that he hasn't made a decision nor is in the right headspace to make such a decision. He said he has to figure out if he can survive without needing me but wants me or if he can survive without needing me or wanting me. I told him that him that I hope he can realize that he can survive without needing me but because he wants to be with me. I then told him that if he ever feels like he wants to be close or touch, that I am right here. That I miss feeling him, even if it's just for a few minutes. Earlier he had said that he feels like he needs to distance himself. After our talk, he said he was going to lay down and that I could hold him if wanted to. I of course went and laid down right next to him holding him. I laid there rubbing his back and arm and face taking in his smell wishing I could just kiss him. It took awhile, but that did end up happening
Now I go back to proving to him that I will NOT be giving up on us.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/18/2019 16:30 PM

Ponus

I really appreciate your words of support and encouragement! I hope we end up being a successful reconcilation story on here one day.

Bigger posted 8/18/2019 18:00 PM

LD Ė I noticed that you left him a letter and when you didnít get instant feedback you sent him a text. Now you tell of reading two things to him. Any time in-between or did you read the first, no response so you went and read the second?

What Iím worried about is that if you are trying to push or force him to take a stance.

Do that and you are taking the immense risk that he will take the decision that gets him the fastest out of pain. Honey Ė the fast-path is divorce. More-or-less guaranteed feeling content within 24 months.
Itís human-nature, a knee-jerk reaction. If someone has to decide between two or more hard options and is being pressed to decide then the odds are high that they choose (a) the one they have most control of irrespective of emotional and financial cost and (b) the option that hurts the one applying the pressure.

You two wonít solve this issue in a day. Itís not healthy for you two to talk daily or constantly focus on deciding if you should reconcile or not. Definitely answer his questions, definitely let him know where you are, where you are going and so on. But donít force the issue. Give him time.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/18/2019 18:04 PM

Bigger

I still don't know if he read either one on Thursday, I never asked. Today I told him that I wrote some feelings down that I would like to read to him when he wanted to hear it. I waited for him to tell me when that was.

Thissucks5678 posted 8/18/2019 21:33 PM

I havenít followed this whole thread, I just skipped to the last page, but I just wanted to echo what gmc mentioned. I experienced a low many, many times after a having a great time with my WH. I agree itís our brain telling us - hold on, donít forget what they did to you!!! Remember all of that pain and anguish you went through, etc. As the BS it is awful and confusing for us as well. Reconciliation is a rollercoaster, a lot of times it will seem like 1 step forward, 3 steps back. If you can stay the course and remain committed through the rollercoaster, your BS may slowly start to believe in you again. Sometimes, I would just wait for my WH to tell me he had had enough. When he didnít, I started to believe in him.

Good luck to you, you seem genuine. I hope everything works out for you and your BH.

DoinBettr posted 8/19/2019 12:02 PM

You are doing great! Keep fixing him and keep journaling. See how it helped him? You did the right thing stating you weren't mad about him reading it. Maybe ask in a gentle way if you can read his journal. That is for you to feel out.

I see you take him being mad about the underwear and PJs pretty badly. I just mean it seems the part of the day you take as the down. Be glad he handled it as well as he did. He is going to be angry. When a BS shares love with their WS they feel they are being cheated.

He may be worried you hid them or something else stupid. He just wants to be part of you purging this SOB from your life. When you do it without him he can't trust you.

I gave my accountant friend this analogy: You need your BS to give you their life savings in exchange for an IOU written on a napkin. The BS isn't allowed to question it and knows the WS is bad with money. But the BS has to give it to the WS anyways and just trust.

Even these outbursts are him feeling out how you will react to his rage. You got this. Keep holding him, keep crying with him. Keep telling him it is going to be ok and you will regret this for the rest of your life.

Hell, tell him what my wife said, she said she was planning how to make our next wedding anniversary better than our last, 2 days after we celebrated it 1 month into me being at my lowest. It showed me she was both feet in.

I remember being mad my WS was happy when I was having a bad day. I just felt a desire to strike out with a snide comments, but I swallowed it instead. Even swallowing it made me mad. My brain would say, she was selfish in this relationship. When do I get to be selfish? Just writing that out made my head go somewhere I shut off as much as possible. That is the part the anger is coming from. It is trying to keep him safe. If he didn't have anger he would just be sadness which would leave you to be angry at yourself.

Move past his anger. When you get to see how he felt during these times, you will be so glad he still held you. His head is screaming to leave you and he is letting his heart scream back. Trust his heart.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/20/2019 06:38 AM

Sunday night, we were really intimate. I knew right after he felt guilty and disgust (in himself and me I'm sure). He took our daughter to dance last night, and when he got back he gave me a letter. He said it was about how he felt after last night, that he basically just dumped his feelings on to the paper. In it he questioned himself "what is she picturing? Am I doing it wrong? Was he better Why are you all of a sudden attracted to me? Will it ever feel special again?" He then wrote how he felt tremendous guilt afterwards, guilt for his "failure as a man and husband," guilt for giving himself to me last night, guilt for being with me a cheater. He wanted to know if I was using him, using sex as a way to control and calm him.

I wrote a response letter. I didn't know if he wanted one or not. I answered each question truthfully. I told him I wrote it and that he could read it or I could read it or we could just talk. He read it later. I told him that I was picturing him, that I always picture him. I told him that I have never seen him as useless and that he is not my plan b. I explained that I'm not all of a sudden attracted to him, that I'm trying to make up for all the times that I wanted to have sex but was too afraid to initiate in fear that he would say no. (This confused him because he never knew he said no before. It was years ago, but the rejection from my husband stuck in my brain and held me hostage to my own desires. I don't know how else to explain. I didn't write it to blame him at all, I was explaining why I had a hard time initiating. Well, he immediately blamed himself, he said "another thing I did in the past that has stuck.") I told him that I wasn't using sex to calm or control him, that I just want to be intimate with him (sitting next to him, holding hands, hugging, any physical contact). I said that no matter how many times I wish in a day to take what I did back, I just can't. BUT I can show him how unbelievably sorry I am, how much I love him, how much I want to be with him, how I truly desire him/his company/heart/body/his everything, and how I won't give up on us.

After he read it, he spoke for a little and I listened. He asked if I felt those same things after what he did 6 years ago. He asked if I enjoyed Sunday night. He said that it did feel good for him, for the few moments when he was able to push out the bad thoughts and mind movies. He said he was picturing me touching him. He then asked if I would ever want to be intimate with him again, I obviously said yes. He sat for a few more minutes and then said fuck it. He said he may as well feel good for a little while. This time I didn't jump up from my seat. I sat there for a second looking at him like "are you sure you really want to do this?" I did get up because he wanted it.

We both have our own therapy sessions tonight. I don't know if we will talk afterwards or not. I'm really looking forward to the day where something I say doesn't make him feel like I'm blaming him. Like when he read my second timeline. In it I wrote how I felt like we lost him when he was playing his Xbox for 6 hours a day after work. He took that as me blaming him. I tried to tell him that I was writing how I felt at the time because I thought he wanted to know how I felt throughout the affair. I said I wasn't blaming him! I haven't blamed him once. I keep telling him that my fucked up choice to have an affair wasn't his fault. He's reading these books that are just making him feel like shit about himself, his words. Since he doesn't believe anything I say, he may keep blaming himself partly for my affair. How do I stop that???????

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 6:42 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

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