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I destroyed my husband

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TimSC posted 8/27/2019 16:10 PM

I have never, ever seen a BS more intent on blaming himself for his wife's affair. Or one that flip flops back and forth between loving her while hating that he does.

He has dug a deep hole for himself and has no idea how to get out.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/27/2019 16:13 PM

I have never, ever seen a BS more intent on blaming himself for his wife's affair. Or one that flip flops back and forth between loving her while hating that he does.
He has dug a deep hole for himself and has no idea how to get out.

I know! No matter how many times I tell him that nothing he did caused me to have an affair, he doesn't believe me. I want so badly for him to stop blaming himself. He is an amazing man.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/27/2019 19:24 PM

In the process of buying a new car right now. I had to get rid of mine since it was part of the affair. I feel like complete shit for getting this new car. I know he sees me as having no physical consequences, and it does look like that. He sat here with me helping out making sure I didn't get screwed over.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 7:33 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

Wool94 posted 8/27/2019 20:12 PM

I did the exact same thing with my wife, while I kept driving an old truck that wasn't really reliable at all.

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/28/2019 07:22 AM

Just wondering, was the newly bought car a step up (therefore a reward) or step down?

LifeDestroyer posted 8/28/2019 07:41 AM

It is a 2020, step up in brand new.

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/28/2019 08:35 AM

can you see how he might view you getting rid of the affair car and getting a newer, better car as a reward for your affair? Especially if he is keeping his same old car?

Are you afraid of further resentment on his part by this behavior? Would it have been better to buy an older, less quality car to show continued remorse?

Ive got my fingers crossed for you

LifeDestroyer posted 8/28/2019 08:38 AM

I absolutely see it. I said I would buy a used car, but he feels that knowing the full history of a car is better, and he wanted to make sure my car was safe since I drive our daughter around. I am 100% worried about added resentment for this. I will happily drive his car and he can drive mine.

BeyondRage posted 8/28/2019 09:21 AM

I don't see it as a reward. He is triggered by the car you apparently "fooled around" or whatever with OM in. I've heard of people selling houses and moving over this kind of thing.

You seem to be really trying to do whats right. I hope he stops beating the crap out of himself regardless of the outcome.

Good luck.

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/28/2019 11:57 AM

I wish you both luck

gmc94 posted 8/28/2019 12:49 PM

Glad you got rid of the car but I cannot - for the life of me - understand why you didn't immediately take his car and buy HIM a new one? Makes no sense.

And I was lucky in that the car my CH used for his antics was already gone by dday. Had he still be driving it he'd have had to sell and bought a POS - which is what I generally drive. I still struggle with the desire to vomit whenever I see that make/model.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:49 PM, August 28th, 2019 (Wednesday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/28/2019 13:04 PM

He wanted this car in my name only in case he decides to divorce

NoOptTo posted 8/28/2019 17:00 PM

LD,

Happy that you got rid of the old car. The triggers would never end for your BH if you kept it. I know you think he may hold it against you seeing you had the A, got a newer job, and a new car. Continue doing what you have been doing. Showing him with you actions that he means the world to you.

I give him credit for making you sole owner of the new car. God forbid you do end up D, you will have a credit history to yourself. I know it isntbmuch of a consolation but he did you a solid by doing this. If you two continue along to eventually R, you have shown him that your willing to do whatever to help him heal.

onthefence123 posted 8/28/2019 17:59 PM

Similar situation and my initial response was to trade it in and get WH a new car. He absolutely refused. REFUSED. WH bought me a new, gorgeous vehicle and he took my old one.

Honestly, I just wasn't thinking straight, rightfully so. I'm sure your BH is still in shock - it lasts a long time. When the shock subsides, don't be surprised if he is bitter about it or throws this back at you...not saying it will happen, but if it does, don't be surprised.

My suggestion is to tell him how awful and ashamed it makes you feel that you are getting a new car out of the situation and how he deserves to have it. Explain how this makes you still feel selfish and that if you were to get the "upgraded" car, you would resent yourself even more...

Like I said, my WH refused; and then he started searching for my new vehicle and would show me all of the ones that he found. You could do those same searches and find cars on-line. Yes, it's a lot of work and you might not feel comfortable with your knowledge, but you don't have to actually speak to a car salesman anymore to just hunt down some options and get an idea on pricing.

gmc94 posted 8/28/2019 23:50 PM

He could also drive the new car even if only titled in LD's name. She's still solely responsible for the payments, but it could help with that potential resentment. I'd probably make the offer now - so that if (or when?) he hits anger/rage, it's not coming out of left field. Just a suggestion, as I would be flipping furious if my WH got a brand new car bc I couldn't tolerate being in the one he saw his AP in.

NotSureAboutIt posted 8/29/2019 01:17 AM

Strongly agree that it is best to offer the new car to BS. Getting a new job and a brand new car seems like serious rewards for the A. Make the offer ASAP.

[This message edited by NotSureAboutIt at 1:17 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Zugzwang posted 8/29/2019 08:46 AM

I am 100% worried about added resentment for this.

From the strength of character your husband has, I wouldn't worry about that. I can't see him resenting that. Instead, why don't you use that as another way to appreciate what you have and to learn from that type of compassion and grace.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/29/2019 20:05 PM

It's been a very quiet few days I try to talk, just about every day stuff, but he doesn't really respond. I'm hoping we can talk tonight, even if it's just for a few minutes. I miss talking to him

LifeDestroyer posted 8/29/2019 22:00 PM

I asked him if we could talk for a few minutes, just about our day. I told him that I miss talking to him. He said we aren't talking any less than we did before the affair. That isn't true. I told him that we talked every day, about work or what was going on. He didn't say anything. I'll try again. I really miss my husband.

Beachwalker posted 8/30/2019 23:09 PM

LD: Donít push. I am a BS and I can tell you there are times I didnít want to talk with my WW Ė I just wanted to let my brain think and process information. He knows you are there and that he can talk to you any time. You spent time holding each other, so he knows you still care in a tender fashion. I can tell you this goes a long way. But, he also needs to feel what itís like without talking to you. He needs that separation. He may like it and decide he wants to stay separated, but thatís the risk you take. If you donít give him space, you may push him away.

Sometimes (and thatís the key Ė ďsome timesĒ) walk up to him and give him a heartfelt hug. Then, just walk away. He knows you love him, and by doing this you are telling him so and that you are there for him. He may hug you back for a long time, or maybe not at all. I can tell you my emotions have been all over the map and they can change in a very short period of time. Just ďbeing there for himĒ is monumental.

Do you know his love language? If not, you both need to take the test and learn what you each need to see/hear/feel etc. to ďfeelĒ that you are loved. Mine is touch, so I love it when my wife puts her hands on my shoulders, or holds my hand, that kind of thing. Right now, you need to focus on talking his language much more than he needs to know yours. But after a while, if things work out, heíll need to know yours, too. Donít expect a reciprocal response. For a time, itís going to be a one-way street, and itís his way. But, just for now.

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