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I destroyed my husband

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Beachwalker posted 8/30/2019 23:11 PM

Duplicate post

[This message edited by Beachwalker at 11:12 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/31/2019 08:07 AM

He doesn't think I'm remorseful nor does he know what remorseful should look like. When I asked what I should be doing, he said he doesn't know or if there even is anything I can do. What are ways a WW shows remorse??? He wants actions, which I thought I was doing. He said if it were him he would be flipping grateful to be allowed another chance. That really pissed me off because I am absolutely grateful and say it all the time. No, I did not tell at him. I asked him what he would do, he didn't know. I said I would want to be near you, touch you, hold you, kiss you, say good morning/good night to you, have little conversations with you. I then said "I want to do all of those things but I read your body language and most of the time it seems like you don't want me anywhere near you." Again he said he doesn't know what I should be doing. 🤷 Neither do I!!!!

He said some more things and gave me a "journal" entry, and it felt like I ripped my own heart out drained the blood from it and put it back in my chest. After reading it a couple of times and hearing him talk, I realized that I needed to say what I have been fearing. I told him I'm not leaving the house now, but I will spend some nights in the guest room and spend the weekend days at my dad's if he wants. Silence. I told him that I couldn't say the exact words but if the only way he can be happy again and not miserable anymore is if we...then we can because I don't want him to be miserable for the rest of his life. I could barely get those words out. He put his head down and said that was me being the bigger person. He said he doesn't want the only way to hurt me would be to hurt himself too. He said if we divorced he would still be miserable. I reminded him that HE told me not to give up on him yet, so there has to be something inside of him that doesn't want to give up yet either. He was quiet. Before he went to bed he said "for every one good moment we feel, I feel 100 more bad moments."

He then texted me at 4am apologizing for something he said and did earlier when we were talking.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 8:07 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/31/2019 08:14 AM

He also said that he hated and felt shame that he felt safe with me on Sunday. It made him feel weak, because how could he feel safe with his worst enemy. 😣😣

Humbled123 posted 8/31/2019 08:20 AM

You are doing everything you can. His emotions will change minute to minute. Almost 2 years out mine change daily. He really doesn't know what he wants other than this pain to go away, which unfortunately isn't possible. The road to acceptance is LONG

LifeDestroyer posted 8/31/2019 08:21 AM

Sorry for the multiple posts, but thoughts keeping coming.

I don't know how the hell I did any of this. I don't know how I went along with having an affair. I don't how I destroyed my husband and family. I don't know how I thought those 6 months. I don't know because that's not who I ever was. I think about it every single day. I'll find my self in the middle of a lesson or conversation or driving and my mind stops and thinks "how the fuck did I do that????" I then think "my husband is in so much pain because of you, how could I do that????" I told my therapist that on Thursday. She said it can take awhile to understand. I'm a person that looks for a reason in everything, so the fact that I can't figure out my own reason. I hate myself. I know that I will never forgive myself. I know that there will never be a day that will go by where I don't think about what I did. I know that I will never truly be happy with myself. I know that I am fucked up.

Shame spiral

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 8:24 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

WilliamM posted 8/31/2019 08:27 AM

BH here. I have one suggestion. Tell him you will fight for him. He is the most important person in your life and is 100% worth figgting for. Tell you live him. And though he hates feeling safe, continue to strive to be that. I dont believe he wants a divorce right now. He does not know how to move forward. I understand thst feeling. Feeling lost and damaged critically by the o e you love. He needs counseling. Fi d out what his love language is and do that often. Praying for you two.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/31/2019 08:29 AM

I have told him that I will fight for him. He does go to IC. I will be printing out the love language test today and ask him if he will take it.

pinkpggy posted 8/31/2019 09:29 AM

You have to be consistent and not lose patience. You are doing really well. Give him space when he needs it and be comforting when he is down.

It is really hard to prove being remorseful since we have lied so much. They fear it's an act. Your consistent actions will eventually have an effort but you need to start being ok with expecting and getting nothing in return.

For 2.5 years I have left a love note every day for my husband with his coffee before I leave in the morning. Every day for 2.5 years and he has reciprocated it once. You have to let go of the outcome. You are trying to become a better person. Whether you stay married or not the work you are doing will eventually pay off.

thatwilldo posted 8/31/2019 10:43 AM

LD,

I have some thoughts about the following:

I don't know how the hell I did any of this. I don't know how I went along with having an affair. I don't how I destroyed my husband and family. I don't know how I thought those 6 months. I don't know because that's not who I ever was. I think about it every single day. I'll find my self in the middle of a lesson or conversation or driving and my mind stops and thinks "how the fuck did I do that????" I then think "my husband is in so much pain because of you, how could I do that????" I told my therapist that on Thursday. She said it can take awhile to understand. I'm a person that looks for a reason in everything, so the fact that I can't figure out my own reason.

Your work in the next few months (perhaps for the rest of your life) will be in figuring this out. What has helped me immensely is reading here on SI and comparing other people's experiences with mine. When you say that's not who you ever were...well, yes, it is. It will be in owning who you were and knowing what you need to change that you will become trust-worthy.

Your therapist is right. It takes time. However, time is not sufficient. It takes lots of thinking, reading and work. You won't "nice" your BS back.

I wish you success. This isn't easy.

thatwilldo posted 8/31/2019 10:51 AM

Wait, this stood out to me also. You said:

I don't know how I went along with having an affair.

This is an example of you not taking responsibility for your choices. It's a very passive statement. You will have to come to understand that you made choices to become involved in your affair, it didn't just happen to you.

I understand this thinking very well because I engaged in it for years. It's blaming your affair partner for choices that you made.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/31/2019 11:08 AM

you not taking responsibility for your choices. It's a very passive statement. You will have to come to understand that you made choices to become involved in your affair, it didn't just happen to you.

I have taken full responsibility for having an affair since day 1. I have never played the victim or blamed. However, I still don't know how I went along with it, how I went along with myself doing it. That is what I meant, not that I was following my AP.

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/31/2019 11:53 AM

A couple things from a BS.

My first thing is about your "how could I do this" post. Did you look at "why did I do this" first?

I don't know because that's not who I ever was.

Until you were.

Maybe to get to the "how", which is IMO a deep question of character you could first ask yourself "why" you chose to have an affair. I stole a candy bar because I was hungry, I was stupid, or I had no money, or for the thrill, or because my friends all did it...when these easier "why" pieces of the puzzle are answered then the "how" reasons might be closer to being answered. I am not saying to blame him or the AP but ask yourself at each increase in intimacy why did you say yes instead of no? The answer cannot be "I wasn't thinking"

I think that you both are really trying to repair the marriage, but asking him what you should do is going to be frustrating to the both of you. I know it can be hard, an XGF would say "if you don't know why I am mad I certainly am not going to tell you".

The other thing isi to not ask him what you should do, he figures if he has to tell you what to do it's not genuinely from you.
He wants you to tell him what you are going to do. Read books, read threads here talk to your therapist, boil all that info down to something you can use as yours. You are a teacher, do research and teach yourself how to help him.

But he told you what he would do, do that! if he resists, you need to not give up, he is trying to feel comfortable with you and not there yet.

The new car thing is a whole nuther ball of wax. You get a new car, probably an ok car not a POS and many look at it as a prize cuz everybody likes a new car. :)
But he told you up front that it's your 100% car because he thinks there may be a divorce. so that's a little sobering if your previous cars were in both your names. :(

Keep moving forward...

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:59 AM, August 31st (Saturday)]

fused posted 8/31/2019 12:19 PM

The answer to how it happened could be as simple as the fact that your husband told you he wasn't attracted to you nor loved you and also that you woke up to him having sex with another woman which was outside the boundaries of the swinging lifestyle that HE suggested you both embark on. Given all those circumstances it isn't hard to see a person reaching out for someone else

[This message edited by fused at 12:22 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

landclark posted 8/31/2019 12:53 PM

That really pissed me off because I am absolutely grateful and say it all the time.

Why did it piss you off? Just because you say it doesnít mean heís going to believe it. Didnít you also say you werenít cheating on him? As a BS, words mean very little to me at this point. It sounds like from the outside looking in that your actions are showing him how you feel and thatís great, but donít get mad if he doesnít believe everything you say at this point. Itís to be expected. Heís still angry, sad, etc.

HellFire posted 8/31/2019 13:10 PM

We ALL say things in a marriage we are not proud of. And when she found him having sex with another woman, it needs to be put in context. They were at a swingers party. Everyone in the room got naked,then the lights went out, IIRC. Yes, he broke a huge boundary. But BOTH clearly already loosened those boundaries by being swingers. Personally, if my husband and I went to such a party, I don't think it would be a huge shock to find out he had sex with someone else, given the circumstances. However, they had rules,and he crossed them.

Fused, you completely dismiss her consent to being a swinger. She has said she enjoyed it,and she was involved with more people during these swinging incidents than he was.

What he said was cruel. No doubt. And she would have been well within her rights to divorce him over it. It does not give her the ok to have an affair. You continue to justify her affair. It's causing her marriage more damage. He blames himself. Which is such bullshit. Heck, we have B.S. here, who cheated after dday, and they are held accountable for their actions. 100%. They are told nothing their WS did,or didn't do, caused them to cheat. But, for some reason, her husband is to blame for her actions? Please.

What he said was upfront. So was the swinging they BOTH enjoyed. An affair is deceptive. Manipulative. It obliterates trust. It is a million different choices to betray your spouse. What he did wasn't ok. He was upfront about it,however. So she had choices. She chose the wrong one. She stole his choices.

OP, do you feel you cheated because of anything he did? If not, I sincerely hope people will stop coming here to defend your affair. And stop blaming him.

LD, I can feel your frustration. Here's the thing,though. He doesn't know what he needs from you. Dday was recent. He is drowning in pain, anger, feelings of being discarded, and worthlessness. He knows he needs something from you, but has no clue what. He wants the pain to stop. And nothing you are doing is making it stop. Because it's just too soon. When we say it takes years to heal, we aren't kidding.

What you need to do is..

Be patient.

When he tells you he feels this, or that, don't be quick to tell him he is wrong, or he is rememnering it wrong. Remember, he is traumatized. He needs to feel however he feels,and you need to stop correcting his perspective.

Fight for him.

Don't leave. Tell him you will if it helps him,but don't offer.

Do little things for him. If you run to the corner gas station, grab him his favorite candy bar. Send him flowers. Make him his favorite foods. Find a new hobby you both can do together. Tell him,every day, how sorry you are. Be specific. Tell him you know what you almost lost, and why you value it now.

Pick up the slack on chores and parentong. Many BS find it hard to just get through the day at this point.

Have date nights.

Go to IC, and share with him what you are learning.

Be affectionate.

Respect his wishes and needs.

Put him first.

Fiercely defend and protect him, and your marriage.

Be honest. All.the.time.

I do believe you are remorseful. He will see it in time. Right now, he just can't.

Honest, consistent, remorseful actions. Always.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/31/2019 13:46 PM

I do not blame what happened in the past for my actions. I could have left after all the hurtful, but I didn't want to. I forgave him even though he never apologized. I didn't want to be without him.

landclark posted 8/31/2019 13:55 PM

I forgave him even though he never apologized.

So, if he had apologized would things be any different? You say you donít blame him but then say things like this. Sure seems like youíre still holding on to what happened.

[This message edited by landclark at 1:55 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/31/2019 15:19 PM

I will never forget what he did. Sorry, he did apologize for it now after he confessed to another thing he did. I don't hold it against him. It happened. I won't forget any of it, but I am not using that as an excuse for having an affair. I never did.

BraveSirRobin posted 8/31/2019 17:13 PM

So, if he had apologized would things be any different? You say you donít blame him but then say things like this. Sure seems like youíre still holding on to what happened.
She's allowed to hold on to what happened. His behavior doesn't justify her A, but her A doesn't wipe his slate clean, either. There's no cross-cancellation function in the mathematics of infidelity.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 10:47 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/31/2019 17:20 PM

I don't know who is posting on both of our threads. I know I have no right to ask anything of any of you, but I beg of you not to post on his thread blaming him for his actions. He has already told me that people have been doing that. People have been making him feel like shit for what he did in the past and have said that he basically deserved what I did to him. I don't know who has said it, but if you are reading mine too, please stop saying that to him. Stop making him feel worse about himself. Stop telling him that he had this coming. Just stop. How is any of that going to help him?

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