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I destroyed my husband

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BraveSirRobin posted 8/31/2019 19:16 PM

I know I have no right to ask anything of any of you, but I beg of you not to post on his thread blaming him for his actions. He has already told me that people have been doing that. People have been making him feel like shit for what he did in the past and have said that he basically deserved what I did to him. I don't know who has said it, but if you are reading mine too, please stop saying that to him.
If that's happening, I agree 100%. FWIW, I haven't read his thread in quite a while. One way to prevent thread jumping is to post here under a stop sign, because then only WS can comment here and only BS can comment there. It's literally impossible at that point for anyone to post on both threads. I'm a madhatter, but that still bans me from JFO.

I'm bothered by the apparent need of some posters to keep arguing for one party to focus on the past and the other to let it go. It seems to me that it's one thing that Neanderthal and LD already agree on without our input. Both of them acknowledge that they have exercised poor judgement at different parts of their marriage and that neither person's infidelity justifies or excuses the other's. It wasn't LD who brought up Neanderthal's behavior a few posts ago, it was fused. LD is the one pleading for everyone to give her BH some space.

On this one aspect of their healing, they might just need us to get the hell out of their way.

HellFire posted 8/31/2019 19:25 PM

To clarify, I've read her posts. I don't see her blaming her husband. Over,and over, she has taken full responsibility, and has not blamed her husband at all.

I asked the questions I asked,so she could make it crystal clear to the few members who seem to have a real problem with her husband's past actions, and then turn around and dismiss her actions,because they believe all of this is his fault.

I do not doubt her sincerity, or her remorse.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:26 PM, August 31st (Saturday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/31/2019 19:27 PM

I want comments from both sides. I want advice from the BS members. I'm just asking that people stop putting blame on him for his past actions. He already feels like absolute shit for his past. When he told me what some have been saying, I wanted to jump on his thread to defend my husband. I wanted to find those people and message them asking what their problem was. I didn't. Instead, I begged him not to listen to those people, but it was too late. Their words seeped into his brain.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/31/2019 19:29 PM

Thank you Hellfire and BraveSirRobin

SorrowfulMoon posted 8/31/2019 19:54 PM

It's a while since I read your husband's thread but I do wish to lend my support to your current attitude and approach.

It is an almost impossible situation and you seem to be the more stable partner at this point in time; so please continue to support your husband with all you have.

farsidejunky posted 8/31/2019 23:59 PM

While he should in no way be blamed for the affair, it is also not right that anyone here is "making him feel" a certain thing. Or rather, that he should internalize it as shame.

That is completely on him. He has agency. How he chooses to think based on how he feels is on him. He needs to take ownership of it by removing himself from the victim chair.

FTR, I am not one of the folks who attempted to shame him.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/1/2019 06:29 AM

My husband is only 42 days out from dday. Think about how you felt at that time. You probably trusted no one including yourself. He was a man who pretty much had everything he wanted, and I took that all away from him. Yes, while he still has the physical things, he is in so much pain that he doesn't find the enjoyment in them right now. For the emotional things, his pain has made it impossible for him to think that there's a chance he can feel that again and that we can still have that. His job requires him to fix problems all day long. He's so great at it, that his co-workers often call him when he's off to help them figure out the problem. He told me that if he could blame himself for my affair, then there would be something that he could fix and he could save us. It would be so easy for me to lie and blame it on him, but I can't do that. I can't make him think that my choices were because of things he did. I can't make him believe that about himself because it's not true. I wish I could make him feel good about himself again. I wish I could make him trust, in general, again. Right now, the only way he thinks that's possible is if we D. So, I swallowed my pride, the very tiny piece that's left, and said we can do that if it means he can be happy again. He said he would still be miserable if we divorced. So, I stay right here and try my hardest to show him that he can be happy again and not miserable 24/7 with me by his side... hopefully. I try to help him see that he can find joy again in the things he used to do. I try to help him.

BraveSirRobin posted 9/1/2019 07:11 AM

I think that sometimes it's hard for experienced members because the initial stretch after D-Day is "stop the bleeding" time. Some of us are emergency physicians. We're best at looking at the entry point, assessing the damage, and applying the tourniquet. Next come the surgeons: dig out the bullet, set the bone, put in a steel pin. But some of us really are physical therapists. Even if it became evident pretty quickly that amputation was the only option, we think about wound care, exercises, and the long, hard work of healing.

It's probably no surprise that few new patients want to hear from the physical therapists. "Thanks doc, yup, I'll make an appointment." We watch as they take the first three antibiotic pills, see an improvement in symptoms, and toss the rest of the vial. Or listen to their Uncle Fred, who has no medical experience but a dominating personality, about telling those quacks where to shove their advice. I'm betting that most doctors and nurses can tell who will be back in the ER before they even sign the discharge papers. And so, sometimes, we get frustrated and pushy about not forgetting the long term consequences of focusing solely on emergency treatment.

In my relationship, we rugswept. The broken bone set badly. For years, it only ached when it rained. But finally, it got enough pressure to fracture spectacularly, breaking right through the shin. If we'd done the therapy completely in the first place, we could have spared ourselves a lot of long term agony.

I think that happened to you, too, at least in some measure. So while I endorse not clubbing you both over the head with it, I do hope you will both remember it for the long term. Don't ignore the physical therapists. You have two chronic injuries, not one, and after you triage this one, don't forget to treat them both.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 7:33 AM, September 1st (Sunday)]

gmc94 posted 9/1/2019 10:56 AM

You have two chronic injuries, not one, and after you triage this one, don't forget to treat them both.
Well said BSR.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/1/2019 11:17 AM

He's pretty much been ignoring me. If he responds, I get a couple of words from him. He said he feels himself naturally distancing himself from, but it's not a decision he made it's just happening. I know that's something that has to happen so he can see that he doesn't need me to survive, but it sucks. I want to talk to him. I want to touch him. I want to feel him. I want him to be happy, but a part of me knows that can't happen with me. I think every hour my head and heart realize more and more that he has to divorce me in order for him to feel whole again. I'm not giving up, it's just hard because I still feel extremely selfish. I see me trying to show him that we can rebuild as a selfish act, because I'm just asking him to sit in pain while we wait to see if it can work. A couple of weeks ago he told me that he won't make any real decisions until the end of September, to give me time since I just started a job. I am dreading October 1st. I know I'm supposed to let go of the outcome and think about the now, but it's always in my mind.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/1/2019 11:34 AM

Sorry for the sad post. He just left without daughter to go to do a hobby if his that he hasn't done in awhile. I'm just sitting here alone with my mind torturing myself and worrying.

pinkpggy posted 9/1/2019 11:46 AM

You are going to drive yourself crazy because this is the roller coaster. It's going to be like this for a very long time.

Instead of sitting and worrying you can figure out what life would be like apart. If you think he is leaning that way, get yourself in order too. Really think about worst case scenario. And realize you will be ok. See an attorney so you are less scared. It's really easy to dwell in the what ifs and negative and oh he's better without me. Start living in the present and not fixating on what will happen. Get yourself together have your plans, work towards your goals either way.

HellFire posted 9/1/2019 12:10 PM

Hugs, LD.

It think I've told you..it will be over 1000 times, before it's really over. Meaning, he will tell you, or he will believe it's over, a lot, for awhile.

The shock is wearing off, and his pain is settling in. The rage will come. This is when you dig your heels in. During the times when he sees no hope. When he is livid. When he is crying on the bathroom floor. When he snaps at one of the kids, or doesn't have the energy to be the world's best dad. This is part of your work. This is where you show your remorse.

I recommend against seeing an attorney right now. It is extremely common for a BS to tell their WS they don't think they can stay married. And, typically, they mean it. But they still love their WS, so they stay. They watch. They question. During this time, the actions of the WS will strongly determine if the BS files, or keeps trying. If you see an attorney, it will send the message to your husband that you aren't truly committed. It might be the nail in the coffin of your marriage.

pinkpggy posted 9/1/2019 12:20 PM

My point of seeing an attorney was just if there is fear there about what that looks like, it could be relieved by talking to someone..also in my case since it was "my fault" husband said I was responsible for that burden of figuring the process out. There is no sense in sitting in fear and worrying about the what ifs if talking to an attorney can give some security. Even if it's to draw up a favorable separation agreement that shows the BS she won't be going after everything.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/1/2019 12:24 PM

Hellfire you read my mind. That's exactly the reason I haven't looked for an attorney. I fear that he will see that as me giving up or wanting out. Yes, you have told me it will be over 1,000 times.

I have always told him (he would say that wives always got everything in a divorce) that I would never be one of those wives. I would never ask for more than what my daughter needs. He's actually asked me to start thinking about how much I want from him if we divorce, but I just can't do that. To me, doing that means I'm giving up and losing hope. While I may be sitting here in doubt, I'm not giving up.

HellFire posted 9/1/2019 13:06 PM

Pink, I understood why you suggested it. I get it. But from a betrayed spouse's perspective, this close to dday, I would have taken that as a sign that he says he is committed, but seeing an attorney, to protect his rights, and himself, from me, would have been the end of us.

It tells a BS, that while their WS says they want to attempt reconciliation, their action of going to see an attorney screams, "but just in case.."

Deciding to attempt reconciliation is extremely difficult for a BS. They must know the WS is ALL IN. Seeing an attorney says the opposite.

pinkpggy posted 9/1/2019 13:20 PM

Personally, for me it took the fear factor out of it I guess. I made me realize if things went that way I would be ok. I also suggested BS go see an attorney and discuss a postnup with an infidelity clause. Just like seeing a therapist, I feel like you can never be too prepared and ready.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/1/2019 15:08 PM

My fear of divorcing isn't about if I will be able to financially survive, it's about if I will be able to emotionally survive without him. Finances would suck ass, but I would manage. He would never leave me financially hurting. Losing him would destroy me. Just like I have destroyed him now.

pinkpggy posted 9/1/2019 15:19 PM

I totally understand that but unfortunately those words mean nothing right now. And they seem ridiculous due to your past decisions.

You'll survive and you'll be ok.

BeyondRage posted 9/1/2019 17:15 PM


Being someone who has done a hell of a lot right it is easy to see why you are frustrated and upset. Not much you could have done or be doing differently in this situation.

Just my opinion, his big problem is not the sex. it's not like you two were the one and only. You both had some sexual contact with others with each other there in your past. It's hard to believe in six months there was not more PIV sex, but "fooling around" I am assuming was not fully clothed and some consider that more intimate if it was oral.

The big elephant in the room is in my opinion, the continuing on even when confronted and gas lighting. Actually, taking the kids to OM house may have saved your marriage if that occurs because it gave him the impetus to confront until you confessed before it continued longer and got deeper emotionally if that was possible.

I had a fried whose wife actually would ask him how she looked when she was supposed to be going out with girlfriends but was going to have sex with OM. That was the dealbreaker, not the affair because of the disrespect.

Everyone has the capacity to cheat. Most people come in contact and have social or professional relationships with members of the opposite sex. And I would imagine very few who have affairs plan on it happening, so I am not sure beating yourself up searching for whys is your answer.

Who is going to tell you for sure your why. Some therapist, in an occupation where if you told your story to ten of them you might get five different recommendations. You are lucky I guess you did not stumble into some idiot who tells you not to share details with him and starts grilling him about the marriage.

You are doing my guess 99% of everything right, but you have to let go of the outcome which will be the hardest part and will take time.

Once again, you did NOT get rewarded with anything. You gave up your job and your familys finances would have not been healthy with no job so even if he divorces you he should be happy you got a job to reduce his payments. And the car was no reward either.

There is just no way for anyone to reconcile i think without the BS feeling that the WS got away with it and their life goes on. Hopefully, he will get that to be OK in time, which he probably needs more of.

Hang in there.

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