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I destroyed my husband

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Alonelyagain posted 8/2/2019 09:23 AM

No stop sign, XBH here. LD, a number of the previous posters challenged the truthfulness of your assertion that you and OM only had sex once. I then noticed in all of your subsequent posts, you chose to ignore those challenges. If you did have sex with OM more than once, you really are killing your chances at R by denying it or delaying telling your BH the truth.

NoOptTo posted 8/2/2019 09:37 AM


I commented on your BH post earlier. One thing I like to see you do to show your BH that you are serious about R, get data retrieval program like Fonelab to restore all your deleted txt and pictures. Print them out and give them to him. Your actions are what he is looking at now. You have proven to be an adept liar. So you have have to prove to him that you are worthy of the gift of R from him. By going and doing things that will help him healing the end though it will pain him to read what actually happened between you and AP.

You have a long difficult path to follow to gain R. You are further ahead then most WS. Continue with IC. Learn your weaknesses. Form better boundaries. And always be there for your daughter also.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 09:44 AM

We did have sex one time. The other times we met we fooled around. I haven't posted what I've done with the OM because my husband will hear it from me tonight.

Trdd posted 8/2/2019 09:44 AM

I appreciate the way you are articulating how you feel and your desire to help heal your husband. It appears that you have come further, quicker than many Wayward spouses do. And that is good news toward any hope of true reconciliation.

Regarding the timeline, you really need to ask your husband what he expects in it. Some people want every single detail. Others don't. The prevailing wisdom is to offer and give the complete truth in as much detail as possible if that is what is requested. But it is also true that some people receive details that they can never get out of their mind. And some betrayed spouses wish they hadn't learned some of the details that they did because of that reason.

I liked how you described it and I think you should pose that question to your husband immediately. I am not trying to encourage you to do any more trickle truth because that is often the end of the marriage. At the same time, you already see that your husband is haunted by the fact you told the OM you loved him. So get a clear lock on just how much of the detail he wants before you write the timeline.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 10:36 AM


I asked him, and he said he wants the details.

thatwilldo posted 8/2/2019 11:00 AM


We did have sex one time. The other times we met we fooled around. I haven't posted what I've done with the OM because my husband will hear it from me tonight.

Excellent! You're making the right choice!

Your situation and mine are similar in some ways. We both got involved with really sleazy characters. In fact, my AP wasn't even nice to me. At the time of my affair and for years after, I blamed my behavior on the AP. I felt compelled to see him and looked forward to the attention he gave me. I felt that I loved him and that he made me love him. Those were excuses I made to justify my bad choices. Now I know that I didn't love him and wasn't capable of loving anyone at that time.

Another similarity is that you say that you had sex with him once and that you stopped it at some time during the sex. I had sexual intercourse and oral sex both ways one time. During the intercourse, the dog came into the room barking and AP jumped off of me. Because I kept secrets about the affair for so long, it's very hard for my BS to believe that I didn't have sex with AP many times and that I'm not still lying.

Another thing was involving our (mine and husband's) children in taking a ride home with AP and sending them to another room while I kissed him and told him I thought I was falling in love with him. That was a terrible thing to do. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself.

Something I did that I hope you won't, although I confessed my affair to my BS completely blind-siding him, I didn't give him all the details for decades after. I TT'd in the worst possible way. Now my BS doesn't believe he has the truth. He doesn't trust me, and why should he.

I hope this helps you to see some of the horror that comes with continued lying. Please, for your family's sake and yours, tell the whole truth now.

Zugzwang posted 8/2/2019 11:24 AM

He gave me tons of compliments, he told me he loved me, he told me he understood my feelings (anger, frustration, sadness, confusion) on day to day things. He told me everything I needed to hear,
as you admitted you did the same for him, told him you loved him, he shared his feelings too, you told him everything he needed to hear.

My husband was not in competition with the OM.
Yes, he was and you put him there. Your husband asked and you chose to lie and continue to compare your husband to the AP. He was indeed in competition. He knew it and suspected it and asked. You lied and kept going. Of course he isn't in competition with now, especially since you found out the AP is a serial cheater from his wife. Your husband is in competition with you at this point. With your denials. With you trying to save face from truths about who you became.

I was in a bubble with the OM and in love with my husband.
BS, love doesn't do what you did to your family. You valued your husband more than the AP to a certain point till you were faced with not being able to lie your way out of being with the AP anymore. Of course your husband is the better man. I have no doubt he is and I have no doubt you always knew that. Yet, you weren't satisfied with the percentage he didn't provide and went looking elsewhere like a cake eater does. Lesson learned. No one can provide 100% and no one should. It is a partnership and you need to provide yourself 100% using yourself. If you loved him, it was object love. What he could provide to you as an object to feed you. At least at the time you were cheating. Probably for some time before you chose to cheat when you were holding resentment.

I have been selfish in wanting to spare my husband.
and to keep what you want first and foremost. You didn't lie to spare your husband's feelings. If you had, you would have stopped the affair the first time he asked. So be honest with him and yourself.

layla1234 posted 8/2/2019 11:39 AM

I asked him, and he said he wants the details

Good. Give him all the details. Take as much time as you need and make sure it's all the truth. I can't stress this enough. He will know if something doesn't add up. When my WH gave me his timeline after a day, I knew it was bullshit. I uncovered so many things he conveniently left out of it so that it made the timeline completely pointless and I'm still struggling with recovery a year later. Also, don't forget that he has someone to compare notes with. Let's say your POSOM decides he really wants to change and gives his wife the whole truth. All he has to do is compare the stories and your shot at R is toast.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 12:37 PM

He also asked me to write a plan on how to heal our marriage, what steps I will take. I've been writing down things that I will do. I can't believe I've done this. Each step I write, I think of the pain I have caused him. Why would he want to give me a second chance? Depression is kicking in hard today. I'm writing this because it's a forum to talk. I'm not looking for sympathy.

gmc94 posted 8/2/2019 12:40 PM

BS here. Every single response to this thread has stuff that is really important to keep in mind. I would reread them - perhaps several times.

As to the timeline - many on SI recommend two versions - a PG and an X rated. That's one suggestion. Every single poster (WS or BS) who talks about TT and continued lying, minimizing, or flat out omissions in the aftermath of dday are SPOT ON. Do not take one bit of this lightly. It is crucial and it is crucial to be understood by the WS ASAP.

Because, as Wool94 pointed out:

it's rare that the affair is what destroys reconciliation.
It's usually the lies and trickle truth that follow.
18 months after dday, WH and I separated for this very reason. There's a saying that I'm sure I'll botch, but the gist is that we are human and we all screw up. Obviously having an A is a HUGE one - likely the biggest bad choice a person makes in a lifetime (which is a BFD, considering all the stupid things we do in a lifetime). But the measure of a person's character isn't necessarily their bad choices - rather, it's how they face up and deal with the aftermath and harm of those choices.

So, I'll say to you what I've said to my own WH a bunch of times: right now is THE moment of your life - it's where the rubber really meets the road. Do all you can to fight back the fear, the shame, and all of the other emotions and wayward thinking that can derail the healing and recovery that both you and your BS must go through. You WILL screw things up - but that measure is always there.... your character now is defined by how YOU choose to respond to your past AND FUTURE screw ups. Do you wallow in self pity and see yourself as a victim? Or do you get up, brush yourself off, apologize, and do what you can to make amends?

I agree with the posters that suggest YOU be proactive in all of this. If my WH had made any of these attempts, it would have gone a long way in my own recovery and the start of rebuilding shattered trust. The things mentioned here are not by any stretch exhaustive, but YOU getting the data retrieval program and trying to get the deleted texts is the kind of thing I'm talking about. YOU finding the names of polygraph examiners, calling and getting costs, etc and then giving that info to your BH is an ACTION that shows him you are serious about doing what you can to return his agency and rebuild trust.

Do all you can to learn about and express EMPATHY toward your BH. A BS can "trigger" over anything at any time - and it's super confusing to us - we cannot understand how something as simple as a song or a receipt or a certain car or just about anything can send us into the rabbit hole. I would not be surprised if ANYTHING that has to do with chess will now be very hard for your BH to see/hear about. It could be something as innocuous as walking on floor with chessboard-looking tiles - or seeing a photo of a castle or a horse - that sends him into a spiral of self loathing, anger, etc. And, maybe not. We are all different and we all handle the trauma of dday differently. The point is to be aware and super attentive. Reading through SI is a great place to gain greater understanding.

If you haven't already, try to find/read what every WS needs to know and getting it vs owning it and other threads on the wayward side. I'll see if I can find some and bump them for you.


HellFire posted 8/2/2019 12:45 PM

It might help to write out, on here, how you are going to try to heal the marriage. We can help you with those steps.

gmc94 posted 8/2/2019 12:50 PM

I've bumped some threads for you -
* Things that every WS needs to know
* Admitting it vs getting it vs owning it, etc
* Ruminating in hindsight, my work
* The process of discovering our true "whys"

I'm sure there are other helpful threads, but these were the first that came to mind. I would suggest printing them to a PDF so that you can read them on your own time (as more threads are posted, they will continue to move to the bottom of the list).

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 13:02 PM

Here are the steps I have written down so far:

-I take full responsibility for having an affair. I don't blame you at all for my choices.
-I will continue to work on self examining why I made those choices. Why was I so selfish? What is broken inside of me?
-I will listen to your words when you are hurting and want to talk. I will show you the compassion and empathy that you deserve. I will answer your questions.
-I will do whatever it takes to regain your trust
-If I stay at my school, I will make sure that I never see him. When it comes to school events, I will avoid them if I'm allowed to. If I have to attend, then my coworker will help me. I came clean to her last night. She will help me not cross paths with him and his family.
-If I transfer schools or get a different job, I won't let any relationships build between me and another man. If at school, I will always make sure there is another person present when I'm around a man. I won't head up any clubs. I won't work one on one with any parents.
-I will always let you know if I do see him of he contacts me. If he tries to speak to me, then I will walk away. If he texts, then I won't reply and will it to you.
-I will continue to read books on how to help you heal, help myself, regaining your trust, fix our marriage, etc. I will also continue to read the articles and posts on the SI site. I will take everything in and figure out how I can use it to help.
-I will hand over my phone so you can check texts/emails/fb whenever you need to see.
-I will forever be thankful for giving me and us a second chance if you choose to.
-I will continue to attend my therapy sessions. I will work to figure out how to get a better mom for our daughter and a better person for myself.
-If you allow me back in your life and in our home, then I will confide in you when I have any problems. I will not feel ashamed or worry that you will judge me if I'm having problems with our daughter.
-I will help you in any way I can and any way you let me.
-I know that I have hurt you in the most unimaginable way. I know that I have put horrible thoughts, doubts, and questions in your head. I know that it will take a very long time and a lot of actions from me for them to start fading away. If you give me a chance, I will work each day to help them fade
-I will be transparent with you on everything.
-Maybe in time you and I can go to marriage counseling.

Trdd posted 8/2/2019 13:23 PM

You're doing good work now. Keep it up.

Tonight, when you speak, let it all out. It will hurt him. And it will hurt you to say it. But the bandage needs to come off all at once.

Be strong for him now. You weren't there for him during the affair but tonight you really have to be. You need to be like a doctor and do the procedure that you know is going to hurt but the patient needs it to survive. For his healing and for the sake of possible reconciliation be strong and let it all out.

Jorge posted 8/2/2019 13:23 PM

You may want to include:

- I will be 100% truthful in providing details and information about my affair, which includes, but is not limited to sex, meet ups, communication devices used, frequency of meetings, etc. I will not omit unasked information. I will not leave out details to protect you or I.

[This message edited by Jorge at 1:31 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

M1965 posted 8/2/2019 13:37 PM

I wish both of you the strength you will need this evening.

I hope that it will help both of you move forward, and that perhaps it can become the first step towards reconciliation, or at least the beginning of healing.

HellFire posted 8/2/2019 14:05 PM

The list is good. Keep adding to it.

Block the OM on your phone and email. Get rid of social media. You also need to apologize to him for betraying your child.

It had been suggested that you schedule the polygraph, and you find programs to retrieve deleted texts and pics. You need to do this. It shows your husband you are being honest with him, and you are willing to do whatever necessary to heal the damage you have caused. A proactive WS has a far better chance at a successful reconciliation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:06 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 14:11 PM

Block the OM on your phone and email. Get rid of social media. You also need to apologize to him for betraying your child.

It had been suggested that you schedule the polygraph, and you find programs to retrieve deleted texts and pics. You need to do this. It shows your husband you are being honest with him, and you are willing to do whatever necessary to heal the damage you have caused. A proactive WS has a far better chance at a successful reconciliation.

I have blocked his number from my phone. I looked to see how to block him from emails, but all I could find is if I still had an email from him and I don't. I know I need to apologize for betraying our daughter. I've looked up polygraph testing where we live and didn't find much. One number just goes to voicemail with a different number. Another local place I guess closed because the number doesn't work. Another site, a polygraph national site, says that there are none local only in surrounding states.

HellFire posted 8/2/2019 14:18 PM

It would involve some planning, but you can schedule the test out of state. It might be inconvenient, but worth setting your husband's mind at ease, knowing he has a foundation of truth, in which to rebuild, if he chooses.

I'm not sure if this was addressed, but you should let him out of that pact. It was extremely unfair to pressure him into that pact. If his gut tells him he wants out,he should be able to do so. He is a good man,so he will ignore his gut, to honor the pact. That's just so incredibly unfair to him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:19 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 14:23 PM


What pact?

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