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I destroyed my husband

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M1965 posted 9/10/2019 13:52 PM

LD,

In the post I wrote asking you to reflect on the affair and what your feelings for your husband were during it, and afterwards, the purpose was positive, even though it probably read like a charge sheet. If there was something deeper underlying the affair, and the distance that existed between you and your husband, then there really would be no point to attempt reconciliation.

Instead, it seems like the two of you could never quite get your feelings synchronized, and one of you drew away from the other at times when I guess something like marriage counselling might have reduced the gap and improved communication.

It seems like both of you have self-worth issues, and unfortunately you have both done things to one another that have exacerbated them.

Your AP caught you at a time when you felt like more of a failure than you or your husband realized, and in the way that so many predatory males do, he turned a woman who felt like a failure into a success to him, and your need to make that transition, and remain a success to at least one man, became an all-consuming mission in your life that blinded you to the damage it was doing to you and your husband.

Maybe you had already written your husband off, believing you could never be the desirable success in his eyes that that you felt you were to your AP.

And so you grew ever more distant from your husband, and indifferent to him, perhaps even rejecting him for not having the vision to see you the way your AP appeared to.

Your negative feelings about yourself as a mother could certainly explain why you wanted to do so many maternal things to win the approval of your AP, like being involved with his kids, and sending him pictures of you being a good Mom with your daughter.

And I am sadly sure that he lavished praise on you for all of it, exploiting your insecurities like a pro.

From a distance, I am sure you can see now what he was doing, and why he did it, but at the time it was like a drug addiction, and all you thought about was your next hit, not whether or not it was smart to be so dependent on it, or where the dependency might take you.

LD, your self-worth issues are a major vulnerability that others will exploit in the same way as your AP did if you do not work on them in counseling. Where I would love for you to be in life is at a point where you see worth in yourself that will make you impervious to put-downs, as well as people trying to sweet talk you for their own purposes.

I am so sorry for the way things have gone. I think a lot of the current situation is your husband working through his pain, and venting it in ways that seem like attacks on you.

That intensity passes. No-one can sustain it. No storm lasts forever.

No-one can predict where your husband's feelings will be once the intensity has gone. And no-one can predict where they will be six months from now.

He is going to calm down, and things are not going to be constant battles between you. Neither of you want that, as it achieves nothing and just makes both of you unhappy.

Your husband is trying to make sense of a lot of difficult, conflicting emotions. Infidelity, his sense of self-worth and abandonment issues, things he knows he did wrong, things you did wrong, missed opportunities for both of you to have made them right.

All of that stuff takes time to unravel, process, and hopefully neutralize.

For the time being, I think that all you can do is take a stance of, "I will go along with whatever you think is right, but I am not giving up on you, and I want to do whatever I can to help you".

That will be tough at times, because there will be days where he may feel very negative towards you. However, it is the best course to follow, because as feelings become less intense, an open and positive attitude will be the best way to encourage co-operation and understanding as the two of you move forward.

And that has to be a good start, doesn't it?

farsidejunky posted 9/10/2019 14:03 PM

Some of the posts on this thread manage to cross the line from helpful...to lacking in help...to outright hurtful.

If your posts amount to "consequences suck"...well thank you, Captain Hindsight.

Find something constructive to lend. Damn...real people are hurting and a family is about to be broken up. Sure, there is blame to be discussed. News flash: everyone knows it, and if the only thing you have to lend is "tough shit, wayward", maybe you should take your analysis (or lack of it) one step further to actually suggesting something tangible...and constructive.

Be good to each other...even if you feel like someone doesn't deserve it.

skerzoid posted 9/10/2019 14:11 PM

LD

From when he first told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore, that always stuck in my mind.

I don't remember reading this. When did he say this?

People on these sites generally push for quick divorce. He is being pressured to do this.

He seems to be coming out of the shock phase. You should expect anger. He feels emasculated and is finding his balls again. But, you were probably attracted to his masculinity in the first place.

You should expect this anger as your just deserts for your actions. It will take 2 - 5 years for him to become normal towards you, even were you to reconcile. Do you have it in you for that long a struggle?

Being served with divorce papers will not be the end. Even finalization of divorce is not the end.

My best friend and his wife divorced, reconciled, and have been happily remarried for years. Another friend divorced her husband, reconciled, remarried, and then divorced again.

The point is, you will have the ability to be happy again, with or without your husband. If you divorce, pining away for him will not lead to happiness.

I told you before, you have to be in a marriage of equals. If he wishes to stay married but only with you as a woman who has to wear the Scarlet Letter for the rest of your life, that is no way to live.

But there will come a point where he will have to suck it up and either grant you reconciliation, or divorce. Hopefully, you will show the strength to go through either of those choices with your self respect intact.

This is the greatest struggle for you. So far you have turned to men to give you the validation you need. Fuck that.

In the end, you both have to do what is best for your daughter. So far, you have both been so much into your relationship struggles, that her good has seemed secondary to an outsider like myself.

Flawed posted 9/10/2019 15:09 PM

My husband made it very clear to me last night that he does not want me. He wants out of this hell hole so fast. He called me tons of names, his anger started to come out. He is absolutely disgusted with me.

LD - this is so hard and so painful for both of you. I said something a few pages ago about how it might help to reframe how you think about his anger so you can be present with him in his pain. He is not trying to punish you with it. He is angry because he loves you and he is deeply, deeply wounded by your actions. You are going to need a lot of empathy and compassion to be with him in his anger.

Can you feel the pain and fear beneath his anger and connect with that? What feelings does that bring up in you? Tell him. Do you freeze up because you are so terrified of losing him that the words get stuck in your throat? Say that to him. Do you feel grief-stricken when you think about how your actions are affecting him? Tell him what you feel. Do you feel so much shame and guilt that you feel you deserve to die because you believe he deserves more (something you've said here)? Tell him.

If you aren't sure what you're feeling, you're probably so flooded with emotions that you can't even think straight - tell him that. Tell him that he's so important to you that seeing him angry terrifies you to the point of wanting to stop feeling your emotions because it hurts so much you can't bear it, and it hurts even more knowing you're the reason he's suffering.

Speak your own truth to him from a place of vulnerability and compassion.

He needs to know how you are feeling about all of this. And he needs to hear it over and over and over again. Don't give up. He's angry because he loves you. He might decide it's worth a try to R once he processes his anger if you continue to be with him in his pain and keep giving him your heart's truth.

Dutchman1 posted 9/10/2019 17:11 PM


Hello LifeDestroyer,

I have read your story and that of your husband, and to be honest you have made a mess of your life.
And all that for a fuck session of a few hours, and puff, 17 years are gone.

Somehow I started to believe you could do it, and that you are willing to invest the time and love needed for such a big quest.
So Victoria Secrets for now in the back of your closet, and the big girl panties come on, roll up your sleeves and spit in your hands.

I think you can do it. I also read between the lines that your husband really loves you.
But that pain ,,, you will never be able to imagine.
Knowing that you were lied to by the person you were willing to give your life for.

Not just at night but all day long the film goes that your wife spreads her legs for someone else.
That thought drives you crazy. You want to get rid of this thought so badly, but this thought is laughing at you, doesn't give a rat's ass if you want this, and those mindmovies are as sorry about your feelings as your wife did at that time.

Since 2015 I am also at ... (a hit of the B52 's).
There are a few examples of couples who are happy again after the cheating of the woman, even having family expansion.
"" And the cheating was way more than your basicly ONS.""

I must honestly say that the women worked hard for 4 to 5 years, and were NOT dating, or had boyfriends.
I wish for you this too.
Do not think that it is allowed to mention their names, but if you send a pm I will give you the names.
Good luck,

Dutchman1

LifeDestroyer posted 9/10/2019 17:39 PM

I am willing to do the 2-5 years or however long it will take. He is the one, at least right now, that doesn't want to do it. I am not going anywhere. Even after he hands me the divorce papers, I will still continue to show him.

Flawed, I have told him how I feel. How all of my thoughts are swirling around my head and I'm trying to find the words. How I am also hurting for hurting him. It doesn't do any good. I also feel bad saying I'm feeling hurt because his hurt is more important. I'm not looking for sympathy from him or anyone.

Our daughter comes first. We have not put her second to this. She and I hang out, and her and him go in their nightly adventure walks and talk. She might see us down, but we are still there for her. That man would do anything for his daughter.

Justsomelady posted 9/10/2019 19:15 PM

I am truly sorry for your pain and what you and your family are going through.

Have you shared absolutely everything with your husband? ,It seems a lot of BS need to see and know all that is physically and technologically possible to be sure there are no remaining intimacies and secrets (even hurtful ones) between you and AP. has he seen and read everything you may have shared with your AP? Are there things that you may have felt too ashamed to share that need to come to light? Please examine and share as it will do no good sitting in the dark. The hurt is already done and it only continues when we donít tell the whole story. It hurts you too. Sunlight is the best disinfectant as Brandeis said.

Please donít give up on yourself and your life - your suicidal ideation are worrying and I hope you continue getting help for that. Your little girl needs you, no matter what happens. Your dad needs you too. Just keep being a force of love and strength, and practice humility and compassion at every turn - with yourself as well as your husband. Kill all defensiveness. Be open and vulnerable. If you look, you may see you have a core of strength within you despite your despair. Channel it and persevere.

Sending you so much strength as you walk through fire.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 7:29 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

Carissima posted 9/11/2019 02:42 AM

I'm sorry but as a BW I find a lot of these responses quite triggering.

The reason - her BH has told her what he needs to heal himself and everyone here seems to advising OP to ignore that request because they're sad a marriage is being broken and OP seems genuine.

Your WH may indeed still love you and regret the ending of the marriage but you have to realise that regretting having to end the marriage does not equate to wanting to or being able to stay married. Sometimes cheating is a dealbreaker no matter how much you love your spouse. How many posts on this site have seen BS stating they realise it was a dealbreaker after several years of trying to R. No-one here seems willing to verbalize this fact.

That doesn't mean you stop doing the work on yourself but not to pursue your WH. You need to work on building the foundations of a new life for you and your daughter.

As a BW if I decide to divorce then one of the worst things would be if my WH kept trying to push R. If anything that would push me even harder into the D mindframe as it reeks of manipulation. Instead do your work quietly, consistently and for you!

You don't know what the future may bring, after D if your BH sees you continuing to work on your issues then he may be open to start dating again.

[This message edited by Carissima at 2:44 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

Jsmart posted 9/11/2019 07:41 AM

Your husband still loves you deeply and is still in shock that his
best friend could betray him so deeply. It's not just that you had
a six month physical affair. That he softly confronted you twice and
you not only pooh poohed his concerns but took the affair to the next
level sexually is a lot to forgive.

When he thinks back on events in your marriage and family during your 6 month affair and puts it up against the provided timeline, it really stings.
Then he adds your proclamations of love for the OM combined with what really appears to him, and to most here, like you doing a dry run to see what a blended family would be like and it infuriates him.

So now he fights with himself. He hates himself for loving you so much. Yesterday you said that you thought he wasn't attracted to you when you gained the weight yet he supposedly complained that you didn't want to have sex enough. Ask yourself, does a man that's not attracted to his wife care to have more sex from his wife? Much has been made of his not loving you comment he made many years ago. Does a man that doesn't love his wife and didn't have any kids at the time stay married and loyal?

There have been others BHs that have divorced, dated around then later re-pursued
their xwife and remarried. I know of 2 threads on (no soliciting), of such couples. One of them
even had another kid together after remarrying. In both cases the woman did not date
around during their divorced period. That may be a price you'll have to pay to win him
back and unbreak your family.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:52 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 9/11/2019 07:47 AM

Iím sorry, but I believe that you both know that this marriage is over. Maybe in the future there might be a second one with him, but this one is over. Both of you need to stop torturing yourselves and move forward with the divorce. Work hard on being the best parents you can for your daughter, and work on yourself even harder. It is the only way you have the slightest chance of getting back together.

Right now you are just hurting each other and yourselves, and the pain is making it the chances of you ever getting back together less and less.

Good luck.

NotSureAboutIt posted 9/11/2019 14:54 PM

LD - I do not think you should give up, but you do need to come clean. Your BS and many people here on SI have said that you need to recover ALL emails, texts, posts, etc. There is software available and experts who can help you recover EVERYTHING deleted on your phones, computers, iPads or whatever you use. Taking this step and making EVERYTHING available to your husband will go a long way towards showing remorse and facing the consequences of your words and actions. Continue to ignore this and I think your husband will not consider you a safe spouse. It will likely cause you embarrassment. It will likely change your timeline. It will likely hurt your husband. But it will get everything in the open and allow your BS to know what he is forgiving. Continuing to TT is more painful to your BS than brutal honesty.

Tron posted 9/11/2019 17:05 PM

LD,

There is a very good chance that this was simply a deal breaker for your H. If so...it is completely out of your hands as to what will happen with your marriage. If your H wants to D you, then there is simply nothing you can do to stop that from happening.

But what you can do is to continue to be the best mom you can be, and work on yourself to be the best person that you can be. If that person is destined to earn another chance with your current H then what is meant to be will happen. Rest assured that it certainly won't happen if you still cannot be honest, 100% forthcoming or if you continue to hide things.

And look, if your H files for D, you will need to protect yourself legally. But I would hope that you can agree with him to work together for each other and for your daughter to make a horribly painful process as painless and fair as possible to everyone.

And I would not lay down for him in a divorce on the off chance that he gives you another shot. Understand, that you will need to look out for both you and your daughter. If you aren't with your H, you will still have to provide a home for yourself and for her. I would think a fair and even distribution of assets should take care of that.

DoinBettr posted 9/12/2019 13:30 PM

Guys, she is trying. She is taking our advice and her BH keeps thrashing between emotions. He is triggering all the time. I know I was back when I was going through the first year. So many days spent hitting the heavy bag or when I was at the office, things way to hard to punch bare knuckled. Yeah, that year sucked. If you want to help her, then make sure she knows her options and try to keep her improving herself.
We all want a married couple to get through things. But it is going to take pain, yelling and threats, then coming back afterward to parent and keep the house.
LD - You can still fix this. I am glad you are listening about divorce not being the end. Hell, I have a couple who divorced because they hadn't slept together for 3 years. She cheated, he hated her for it, she divorced, then she hooked up with everyone in town, he started dating and started the same thing. Now almost 2 years later, they are "Friends with benefits" (3-4 times a week), but neither is seeing someone else. They say dating is too hard and we have seen them go out to eat before sleeping together (A date, but don't call it that) just live in different houses most nights.
It's funny how things work out. He isn't going to have somewhere when he is between leases because he is waiting for his house to be finished building, so is stretched thin. Yeah, he is crashing with her. Ask either one and they aren't together, just helping each other parent and taking care of needs.

Good luck. LD, see that story as one of hope. It took 3 years of hating each other and apparently they started hooking up when he was feeling down about breaking up and so was she. Split a bottle of wine after she dropped the DD off and she scooted out before the kids saw her in the morning.

beenthereinco posted 9/12/2019 14:55 PM

LD,
I've seen this asked some and I haven't seen an answer. Have you given your BH your phone and allowed him to run recovery software on it to see if he could get any recovered messages?

Carissima posted 9/12/2019 15:26 PM

Guys, she is trying. She is taking our advice and her BH keeps thrashing between emotions. He is triggering all the time.

As is his 'right' and I don't understand why people on this thread continue to minimise his feelings.

If you want to help her, then make sure she knows her options and try to keep her improving herself.

Everyone has said to continue working on her,that is her only option at the moment.

We all want a married couple to get through things. But it is going to take pain, yelling and threats, then coming back afterward to parent and keep the house.

Sorry but that's just not true. We don't all want this. IMO people want them both to heal but recognise that it may be separately. With all due respect you seem overly invested here, I don't know if the circumstances remind you of your own situation but you are blatantly ignoring everything the WH had posted.

LD - You can still fix this.

No, the OP can still fix herself and that may open up new possibilities in the future.

HellFire posted 9/12/2019 19:15 PM

OF, I know you are scared. But you need to listen to me.


Girl, if you love this man, you will give him what he needs to put the pieces of his life together. He needs to know the truth. Every detail you can remember. Correct evey lie you have told him since dday. If you love him,you will give him peace. With the truth, comes peace. For the BS. If you truly love him, and if you want any chance of a life with him, show him the respect you didn't show him during the affair. The truth,is a gift. It won't feel like it,at first. But,in time, you both will come to understand what I mean. Give him a very detailed timeline. Find a program you can run on your phone, so he can read it all. All of it.

If you love him, you will want to end some of his pain and suffering. Even if that means he goes through with a divorce.

Sometimes we have to do the one thing we are terrified to do,because it is the best thing for the person we love. Right now, is that time.

Bigheart2018 posted 9/12/2019 19:28 PM

Please listen to HellFire!!! Please do the right thing and give him the complete truth.

Dutchman1 posted 9/12/2019 19:29 PM

Hello LifeDestroyer,

If you got what it takes, and believe me it's a long and scarry road:

(No soliciting)

Good luck

Dutchman1

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:10 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

Justsomelady posted 9/12/2019 21:40 PM

Just thinking of you and sending good vibes. Due to the possibility of D (hopefully not but youíve said it is there)hope you start talking to attorneys, that isnít disloyal just necessary to protect your future and that of your daughter.

Still, I encourage you to come clean to your BS. It may or may not fix things for your marriage but it will definitely NOT be fixed by not at least attempting to recover old texts. And it will also mean you can move forward together in honesty and, hopefully one day, go a long way in forging a peaceful co-parenting path forward.

Couple scenarios of divorce to share for caution and hope - My one aunt and uncle divorced over infidelity and it was very contentious and painful for everyone as they were at each otherís throats for years. It destroyed my cousin and she was depressed until she finally had a family of her own. Like a cloud was over her childhood and adolescence until she had her own kid. She is ok now but it was a hard road. Not from just the infidelity itself but the absolute viciousness of her parents interactions over the years. Donít blame my uncle for his anger but it was so painful and he would have been well served by IC and grey rock if he had known about it as my aunt was a loose cannon and well, pretty crappy. 2nd scenario - sorry I am long winded - However, another aunt and uncle divorced (yup more infidelity, but better core personal characters/remorse/etc than the first couple) and although they never got back together they were eventually friendly and both happy in Subsequent marriages (uncleís remarriage was NOT to AP - obv would not be as amicable if it had). They were still able to be so kind to each other, my aunt would even babysit his subsequent children when they were young so they could keep bonding with my cousin, the one child of their marriage. He was good to her up to the end and did way more for her than was in the divorce, covering a lot more financially and such. Now, they werenít like Gwyneth Paltrow with shared holidays or whatever but they were kind, warm and good to each other and it was evident at all big celebrations, not just civil and restrained. That aunt was welcomed in his home by his wife even on his deathbed. My cousin from that pairing is much better off emotionally, although yes she has admitted she wishes her parents could have figured a way back to each other.

So my point is, it may not go the way you want but you have got to be honest and generous for there to be a good path forward. And I want you to know there are other paths of peace forward. I know it is isnít what you hoped for but good outcomes are possible if you are good to each other going forward. And maybe youíll be lucky to have the situations described by posters above where the BS and WS reconcile after divorce, who knows. I am rooting for you.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 8:02 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 9/13/2019 06:04 AM

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