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I destroyed my husband

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LifeDestroyer posted 9/13/2019 06:45 AM

I am trying to find a recovery place or site to get the old texts. I have not denied them, but I also haven't gotten them. I have been trying to figure out stuff. I keep saying fucked up shit. In my mind it doesn't sound selfish until I say it and hear what it does. I have been a selfish defensive person my whole life. It's not easy changing that or knowing when it happens. I thought for sure he was going to divorce me. I thought after knowing him for 17 years, I knew when he was serious. I still have no idea. I absolutely know that there is the possibility, but I don't know if it will be happening this month or next like I thought. I am NOT throwing in the towel. If I walked by his side as a partner in divorce, I still would have tried to show him I can be better. No matter what, I NEED us to be good for our daughter. I will do everything in my power to make that happen. I will not stop trying to be a better person for the three of us.

HellFire posted 9/13/2019 08:05 AM

Dr Fone, Fonepaw, a forensic device tech, Fonelab, and a PI are all ways to recover deleted messages. Which of these have you tried?

What about the polygraph? Have you scheduled that yet?

Justsomelady posted 9/13/2019 08:10 AM

Sorry walkingoneggshelz, hope I have updated my comment so it is in compliance and keeps to this thread. I think I have now.

LD- good to hear you are searching for recovery methods - I would make sure he knows you are seriously trying to do it and that you execute on your attempts soon. Hellfire has suggestions above. As yoda says, do or do not there is no try.

You said “I keep saying fucked up shit. In my mind it doesn't sound selfish until I say it and hear what it does. I have been a selfish defensive person my whole life. It's not easy changing that or knowing when it happens. ”
Acknowledging is a step in the right direction. Apologize and try to not let that happen, as a WS there are far fewer chits to burn with our BS as far as anger and hurtful comments go. Do you have a plan to deal with these feelings? I have anxiety that is pretty high sometimes, and I have to work out to the point of exhaustion. It helps. I am also working on adding meditation and yoga back into my days. I didn’t sleep well and missed it this morning, but i feel so much more able to deal with my emotions when I take care to do one or two of these things.

Good vibes headed your way

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 8:35 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

Bigheart2018 posted 9/13/2019 08:54 AM

LD,

I would like to ask you one question. Please, think first before your answer. I don't need a narrative, just either a YES or NO answer. Have you withheld any facts in regards to the relationship with your AP? For example...

1.) Do you still have and affection for your AP?
2.) Were there more sexual encounters?
3.) Did you and your AP discuss the future?


It's sad because, all your husband wanted was the complete facts on what had transpired between you and your AP. This man still loves you. If you work at it, something good can still come from this.

Best,
Bigheart

Hg65 posted 9/13/2019 09:12 AM

Give your phone to your husband and let HIM search for recovery of messages.

If YOU do it, he won’t ever know if you just re-deleted them.

If you TRULY want to be 100% transparent.

Justsomelady posted 9/13/2019 09:37 AM

That is a good idea above about just giving your phone to your husband. See if that is something he would prefer to you recovering the messages.

Also a few pages back when there was debate about what was sex and wasn’t....have you updated your timeline yo include more? It sounds like there are some things missing and it may be helpful to think “were we attempting to get each other off” when defining sex, rather than the way you had it before. Not asking you to put that info here on the forum but if you are going to update the timeline for husband, then for that purpose.

beenthereinco posted 9/13/2019 09:58 AM

I am trying to find a recovery place or site to get the old texts.

its not hard to find. Many people here have had success with Fonelab others with Dr.Fone. Saying you are looking for a place seems like a cop out to me. Download the software and hand him the phone. Takes a few minutes to start this. I'm not sure why you;re dragging your feet here.

GreatWideOpen posted 9/13/2019 10:42 AM

LD, you are truly mind boggling. What do you think goes through a BH's head nearly every minute of every day when you withhold resources that allow him to KNOW what really went on? 1) He has a festering, sickening belief that the FACTS are worse than anything he conjures up in his head. 2) His ability to TRUST ANYTHING you say or do erodes continuously. 3) He comes to understand that your "complete" commitment to him and your "do everything you can" is bullsh!t.
There is no "trying to find a recover place or site that can recover texts"! You hand him your phone along with a list of every login and password for every app you have on it! Your compulsion to control instead of release is what has made the chance of R fade. You are your own worst enemy.
I went back and read the first few pages of your thread. I commented twice back then, top of page 2 (8/1) and on page 6 (8/3). Me and dozens of others were trying to help you Survive Infidelity. But you weren't really trying to help yourself then, and you're not now. You want to think you have a steering wheel that works, but it's not connected to the wheels anymore.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/13/2019 11:09 AM

I have not withheld my phone or access to anything from him. He wants me to do the recovery. I can't download the programs on to my phone. I also can't do it during the day at work. He has had all of my passwords to everything. He has chosen not to look at any of my stuff.

SumofOne posted 9/13/2019 11:21 AM

I am not sure anyone cares about I can relate stories a great deal but maybe this can help in some way.

My WW has a story similar to yours. I too could not believe certain parts of her story. She would say how much she wanted me to believe her, swear on every thing etc etc. Yet, she denied me access to her phone.

I dug in and told her I had to see the phone. She still wouldn't let me. I was going to leave. I was ready. If she had handed me the phone without any arm twisting and it showed she had sex 15 times a day, if she had been willing to just tell me it all and been remorseful I probably try and push forward with forgiveness.

I couldn't forgive her for not letting me have the things I needed to heal. It was going to end us. She finally told me, I didn't want you to see the phone because I didn't tell you about (blank), she told me in detail about it and handed me the phone. It was like the biggest relief. I almost cried. Sure the new info was hurtful but her reaching that point where she had nothing else to hide and said here is my phone. You can see every last disgusting detail was what I needed. Every day since has been better. No more surprises, just healing.

Give him the phone, give him the truth if you haven't. Face the things that you did. Hold your husband and beg him for forgiveness.

[This message edited by SumofOne at 11:22 AM, September 13th (Friday)]

Justsomelady posted 9/13/2019 12:26 PM

If you can’t get it to work email a home computer nerd company or a PI and ask if they help with that sort of thing, BCC your husband in the message so he sees you are actively taking steps.

Also update that timeline so he knows he can trust you to be truthful.

faithfulman posted 9/13/2019 13:24 PM

You don't load the software on your phone, you load it on your computer.

Google and read. Put in the effort.

Lifeitself posted 9/13/2019 14:47 PM

LD
I believe what you say but you can try harder and download those messages. Like you need to...

[This message edited by Lifeitself at 10:54 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

machiavel55 posted 9/13/2019 19:35 PM

LifeDestroyer, first you'll forgive my English since I'm French....I sense in the last few days in your posts a despair that comes from some people here telling you they feel you are not being honest, etc...while deep inside of you, I think you feel it is unfair, because you feel that you are really being honest, sincere, that you love your husband, etc...but I think right now you are only as honest as you know to be. Honesty is like an onion, it has many many layers and sometimes it takes months or years of ruthless digging within our core before we can remove enough layers to finally feel that we have reached a level of honesty that is real. For example, you say things like:

That's what I want. I want our life back.
Blaming myself , Blaming myself , Blaming myself
Dating is not on my mind
I never fell out of love with him.
I am telling the truth about my feelings.
I am fucking terrified out of my mind over losing him
Even though I still believe I can make him happy
He does deserve better.
I will continue to try to do things for him.
Do I think I can be that better, yes, but I need him to see that.

Ok, Let's start at the things you want...the fact that you have wants, they make you do and say things that will not seem genuine to others, having wants means it's still all about you....I know you don't like to project that, so get rid of the wants, throw them away, focus on understanding what motivates each and every of your actions, every thought you have, every word you say, dig inside of you and find out the real motivation however ugly as it may be, you're growing, changing, becoming a better person, but it won't happen until you start understanding how you operate inside.
You mention dating is not on your mind...of course it's not!...you have more pressing matters to attend to....but what if hubby came back and your life was back like before?..you'd be surprised how fast dating will come back in your mind...not because you're a monster, no...just because like billions of other people including me, you are broken.
Then you say blaming myself a lot....not much love towards yourself, you despise yourself most of the time, and that, and most likely you will not believe me, but until you start loving yourself, you will not be able to love anyone, zero, no one.
What you feel for your husband, that you call love may feel like it, smell like it, hurt like it, but it ain't it. One of the first obstacles to you starting to get out of the nuclear storm of conflicting emotions that tear through you every second of the day is to stop being afraid.
What is fear but the absence of love.
You are in a difficult and terrifying period of your life. But it will not kill you. Through it you are forced to look at yourself and rid yourself of all the lies, the bs you've been carrying in your life. It's a road of growth, it's a painful one,scary one, but also a beautiful one.
At the end of that road is a happier, healthier, more loving, more beautiful you. So instead of living in fear of the divorce, separation, etc...which make it impossible for you to be real and true towards your husband or anybody else, how about just deciding that this road, this path,this process, is exactly what you need to grow and that you will love it because it is life forcing you to change for the better. How about looking these fears in the eye and telling them I love you because through you, through this pain I will change and grow. How about just trusting life, putting love in your heart and looking at your husband with a smile and telling him you're there for him if he needs you. That you do not want anything but for him to find his own path, for your child to be safe and loved no matter what happens, and that you will just flow with things and you just want things to start being simpler and easier than they've been. Stop wanting him to see you are safe and really love him, that's trying to control things because you're afraid of the other alternatives, by doing that once more you make it all about you....so please stop. You've already come so far, keep on going and love it.

[This message edited by machiavel55 at 7:42 PM, September 13th (Friday)]

Jameson1977 posted 9/13/2019 19:52 PM

LD, if I told you that recovering text messages would save your marriage, would you somehow find time to research and pay someone to do it?

It comes down to making the effort. My WW was exactly the same. She would spend dozens of hours working on a baby shower for her BFF, but when it came to dealing with affair-related things, she delayed, came up with excuses, all of it.

What I wanted to see (especially this soon after dday) was effort. Actions that were directed at healing. And yes, it sucks talking about these things. Talk is cheap.

Lifeitself posted 9/14/2019 01:25 AM

If I walked by his side as a partner in divorce, I still would have tried to show him I can be better. No matter what, I NEED us to be good for our daughter.

In order to do this you need to

1. Update your timeline
2.get your texts recovered

Urgently

Lifeitself posted 9/14/2019 01:25 AM

Duplicate

[This message edited by Lifeitself at 1:26 AM, September 14th (Saturday)]

Jameson1977 posted 9/14/2019 02:58 AM

^^^^^^^^^ we are trying to help.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/15/2019 09:28 AM

He tried Fonelab, I believe that was the name of it, on my phone but it didn't work. I guess the phone needs to be rooted, and he's not sure how to do that safely without destroying my phone. Does Dr Fone and Fonepaw need the phone to be rooted as well?

He looked through all of the pictures I still had on my phone. There were some that I had never sent him or sent OM. There were some that I just took for myself. I did my best to remember which ones I did send OM and I told him. If I truly didn't remember, then I said it.

He asked me to walk him through the sexting that took place. That was awful, but I told him what we said. I have always had a problem with looking people in the eyes when I am talking about my issues. I even can't look at my therapist in the eyes. He had to keep telling me to look at him while I spoke. He asked what else I wasn't saying. I hesitated, told him about more meetups that took place. We would meet for a few minutes after work just to say hi. We would kiss goodbye sometimes. I told him that was all, knowing I was still hiding. He asked about a sexual thing, I admitted to it. Again I told him that was all, still knowing there was one last thing. He told me to walk out of the room, he was done because he knew I was still not being honest. I told him the final thing. He said he will find out another thing a month from now and then three months and then six months. That was the last thing. I know he will never believe me. Why should he? He said he now has to the OBW all of the latest info so she can know.

The night before he told me that he didn't want to quit on us. He told me that he needed full honesty to be able to work on reconciling. It was too late. He had to pull it out of me. I didn't give it all freely on my own. I kept it out of fear of the new horror it would do to him and his mind. I should have listened to every single one of you who have been saying from day one to tell him everything no matter how hard it is. I didn't, and now it's too late.

Hearing him say Friday night "I don't want to quit" felt so amazing. I really thought that we could do this. I got in the way. I have told him that I will respect whatever decision he makes. I will walk as his partner either way. I told him that does not mean in throwing in the towel, that I still more than anything want him to not quit on me. Last night I took our daughter to a yearly festival that we always go to, he didn't come. It was such a sad night. My daughter had a blast, and it was nice seeing her so excited, but I felt so miserable inside. I watched other couples there holding hands or touching each other or kissing, and I was so jealous of them. That was supposed to be us. We were supposed to be standing next to each other watching her on the kiddie rollercoaster. The thought that we may never get to do that again as a family was terrifying.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 9:31 AM, September 15th (Sunday)]

HellFire posted 9/15/2019 09:37 AM

Other than the extra meet ups, what was the new info you have him?

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