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I destroyed my husband

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Justsomelady posted 9/17/2019 07:21 AM

She did hand over her phone to him, according to an earlier post. Agree about needing to try more recovery options though.

LD I am so happy to see the hopeful and positive development between you and your husband, please make sure this is the last time he has to pull information and truth from you.

Jameson1977 posted 9/17/2019 11:08 AM

As a BH that has read both threads, I would suggest that LD doing the work to figure out how to recover deleted texts, etc. would be beneficial.

For me, it was about seeing effort from the WS.

Regretitall posted 9/17/2019 13:28 PM

LD, I'm new to this site, but felt compelled to say something to you.

My husband found this site sometime in the last 14 months and he pointed me here a couple weeks back. You see, I cheated on him. He found out back in July of 2018. I denied it being anything but an emotional affair. I wish more than anything that I knew about this site then! I'd never have made all of the mistakes that I did! Anyways, for more than a year, I lied. He kept asking. He never believed me. 3 weeks ago this coming Thursday he asked if I'd pass a polygraph about it being a sexual affair. I told him we needed to talk. I admitted to everything while speaking, and in an email over that day and the next. The AP's wife was informed last summer, of the lies of it only being emotional. I reached out to her last Thursday and she's been filled in on the missing details now as well.

My advice to you as someone who is in the same short time of finding out, tell the truth. All of the truth. Don't make my mistake and hurt him again in a year. He'll leave now with all of the truth, or he'll leave then. Or he'll stay. But the pain starts fresh with any new revelation. Don't do what I did to my husband. I've read all of your husband's posts, and he loves you. He reminds me a lot of my husband with the feelings and things he's saying. My husband is still with me. I'm incredibly lucky. I think you can also be that lucky, but tell all of the truth now and not later. It will help in the long run.

I wish you both nothing but the very, very best. Please feel free to reach out to me privately, if you'd like. Our stories sound way too similar. I can also point your husband towards my husband, if he wanted. Good luck to you.

nightmare01 posted 9/17/2019 13:39 PM

Lies frequently have flaws - and even the most perfect of them will smell bad. A BS may initially believe what they are told because it's what they want to hear, but eventually suspicions will rise. The flaws and the smell will drive a wedge into the marriage, and any perceived reconciliation will fall apart. After that, everything the WS says will be suspect - and without truth and trust, is love possible?

NotSureAboutIt posted 9/19/2019 13:52 PM

The truth can be extremely painful - but lies and Tt and your spouse being unable to believe anything you say is much worse. I lied. I omitted details. I got back in contact with my AP. And my BS rightly divorced me. I discovered much about myself I did not know. Much of it shameful. All of it painful. After three years of no dating and focusing on helping my ex-wife recover, she gave me the gift of a second chance and we remarried 25 years ago. It has not always been easy, but today we have a good life, three great children and a loving relationship. It took tremendous work on both our parts, and a very forgiving heart in my BS, but it was definitely worth the pain and the work. So - two suggestions: 1) Tell the WHOLE truth now. All of it. Everything your spouse wants to know as many times as they want to hear it. 2) Donít give up. There is hope, even after divorce. Best of luck to you.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/19/2019 14:59 PM

Sorry for the language, but I am a fucking pussy. It's the truth. I have been so god damn afraid of telling the entire truth. I have been afraid of adding more to his thoughts. I have been afraid of hurting him. I have selfishly been afraid of hurting any chance with him. I have been afraid of facing the consequences. I keep sabotaging myself. He gives me an inch and I take a mile to then blow it up. He shows me just how much he loves me and I get scared because I know I don't deserve it so I trickle truth some more to fuck it up. Yesterday he was ready to give me that chance, he was ready to try, and then I dropped more bombshells. I just told him that I'm done sabotaging and hurting everyone and that I hope it isn't too late. My fear of course is that it is. He had happiness ready for me on a plate, and I knocked it right out of his hands.

HellFire posted 9/19/2019 15:07 PM

What are the bombshells you keep dropping on him?

LifeDestroyer posted 9/19/2019 15:13 PM

More times that we saw each other(physical and non physical times), more sexual contact (not intercourse), I bought his daughter a birthday gift

HellFire posted 9/19/2019 15:55 PM

LD, right now, you need to sit down and write a complete timeline. Every single thing. All of it. Right now. Tell him everything. Right now.

Do it now, while he is still reeling from this new info. Don't allow him to get his feet on solid ground, only to knock him on his ass again.

Stop being a pussy(your word). All you are accomplishing by withholding the entire truth is ensuring the end of your marriage. The man is willing to try, and you are shitting all over him. He can't begin to heal. He can't start to process, when new shit keeps coming at him.

Often, it's not the affair that ends the marriage. It's the actions of the WS after dday. This shit isn't trickle truth. It's trickle torture. You are torturing the man you love. The ONLY way this has a chance is if you tell him the entire truth. You are losing him. This TT will kill the love he has for you. Right now, you are your own worst enemy. Stop.

Write the true timeline. Right now.

Please. This is killing the both of you. Be a woman he deserves. Be a woman you can be proud of. Be the mommy your sweet girl thinks you are.

Right. Now.


(((LD)))

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:57 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

BeyondRage posted 9/19/2019 16:08 PM

LD, right now, you need to sit down and write a complete timeline. Every single thing. All of it. Right now. Tell him everything. Right now.
Do it now, while he is still reeling from this new info. Don't allow him to get his feet on solid ground, only to knock him on his ass again.

Stop being a pussy(your word). All you are accomplishing by withholding the entire truth is ensuring the end of your marriage. The man is willing to try, and you are shitting all over him. He can't begin to heal. He can't start to process, when new shit keeps coming at him.

Often, it's not the affair that ends the marriage. It's the actions of the WS after dday. This shit isn't trickle truth. It's trickle torture. You are torturing the man you love. The ONLY way this has a chance is if you tell him the entire truth. You are losing him. This TT will kill the love he has for you. Right now, you are your own worst enemy. Stop.

Write the true timeline. Right now.

Please. This is killing the both of you. Be a woman he deserves. Be a woman you can be proud of. Be the mommy your sweet girl thinks you are.

Right. Now.

LD,

If I were you I would read this again and then IMMEDIATELY if not sooner doing exactly what is suggested here above.

You keep saying only one time intercourse, which apparently is very important to your husband. If that is not the truth you better correct the record. Right now, he is wondering how many times more than he knew about that you were lying about where you were or where you were going. You must correct that.

I am in the early stages but so far have not gotten any of this TT as they call it and it is the main reason I am still not making any instant decisions.

You know what happened, every bit of it. Get it all out and hopefully he will respond.

Good luck

EllieKMAS posted 9/19/2019 16:16 PM

Hey LD - I've followed this for a few weeks now. I generally don't chime in on WWS threads like yours, but I wanted to second this:

Often, it's not the affair that ends the marriage. It's the actions of the WS after dday. This shit isn't trickle truth. It's trickle torture. You are torturing the man you love.

This is SPOT-ON. And I seem to see that in a lot of cases where spouses end up divorcing, it is assuredly the TT that does it. It was in my case for sure. There is a thread about trickle truth in this forum that you might go take a read on. Bottom line is that an A is hugely disrespectful to your spouse (no surprises there), but the TT?? You see the pain they are in and you deliberately draw that out for weeks/months/years because of your own issues and fear.

Metaphor time:
A BS is scared shitless too, but the difference for us is that we are standing in a dark forest a night with no flashlight, no moon out, wearing a blindfold, listening to the rustles of the beast that's going to kill us getting closer and closer and we can't see it. We can't even see if there's somewhere we can hide from it because we are completely and utterly sightless and helpless.
But the WS has night vision goggles on and the beast is tagged with a microchip that you can see on a monitor and you're standing on a rise above the forest looking down on the whole scene. And the truth of it is - the WS is directing that damn beast, with all that tech and all the vision in the world.

Brave up and take off his blindfold, hand him the NVG's and for pete's sake, get down on the forest floor with him. If you can't do that, then bow out peacefully and let him go because to keep throwing your love at him while you are still actively lying to him is incredibly self-serving behavior IMHO.

I do wish you both luck, no matter what ends up shaking out!

Edited for spelling.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 4:18 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Bigheart2018 posted 9/19/2019 16:31 PM

Dear LifeDestroyer,

Maybe deep inside; you donít want to reconcile with your husband. Maybe subconsciously, you are sabotaging the process because of your deep feelings for your AP. Everyone here knew you werenít telling the complete truth and we tried to convince you to tell all. There is more you have yet to disclose, i.e. the possibility of more acts of intercourse.

LifeDestroyer, if you want your marriage to work then you must put the work into it. Take the advice HellFire has given you. If not, divorce him and stop the bleeding. This man need some peace!!!

Bigheart

LifeDestroyer posted 9/19/2019 17:06 PM

I added the newest details to my timeline. I know I am sabotaging it, but not because I don't want to reconcile or because I have feelings for the ap, it's because deep down I know that I don't deserve his love. How could I after what I've done? I have zero positive feelings for the om. If I never had to think about him again for the rest of my life, that would be just fine. The man I want is my husband. I want to save our relationship. I want to stop destroying every chance he is giving me.

The one time intercourse is true. He also believes that the om has been to our house. He has not. He does know what street we live on, but he has never been on our property. If he ever does give me a polygraph test, I hope that question is on it because that is the only way I can prove I am telling the truth.

waitedwaytoolong posted 9/19/2019 17:19 PM

I am not sure why telling the truth at this point is so hard. I have been here for a while, and have seen BS who want to bail, and those who really want to work things out.

Your BS falls into the latter category. Of course he says things like I can't do it, but most every BS says that at some point. My guess is there is nothing you can say that will cause him to walk away. That should give you great freedom to let things go.

Yet you continue to torture him with the drips. Of course he doesn't believe that guy wasnt in your house. Every time you say he has it all, big things come out. Im not saying that you aren't telling the truth, but if I were him I wouldn't believe it either at this point. You were playing house with the guy, so being in yours isn't a big jump.

Again, my guess again he will stay no matter what. But staying with what is going on is like poking him in the eye every hour with a hot stick. If you love him as much as you way, you need to make it stop. I really hope for both of you that you can.

pinkpggy posted 9/19/2019 17:23 PM

Your posts are written for your husband at this point. "I hope I he takes me to a polygraph." I'm just not buying into your story and I haven't from day 1. You have your script and you keep chipping away at it. No matter what you post here doesn't make you more believable in his eyes.

How about telling the full truth and also booking a polygraph yourself. You aren't the victim here. You've been repeatedly told to tell the truth. Every time a new lie is discovered you are set back at ZERO. Wake up because you are going to lose everything.

HellFire posted 9/19/2019 17:24 PM

Why does he have to be the one to have you take a polygraph?


YOU find a reputable administrator. YOU schedule the test. Then you tell him when, and where, and give him the number so he can discuss what question to ask with the administrator.

Your readons for not telling him the entire truth have nothing to do with feeling you dont deserve him. You are not telling him the truth because you are scared if he knows everything, it's over. You are still protecting yourself. Be honest.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:26 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 9/19/2019 18:19 PM

I'm not writing for him. I stopped writing to think about my shit. I have no idea if he is still reading my posts, but again what I say here I have said to him. My therapist just emailed another for the list of testers he uses. She will be emailing me once he responds. I still have to ask him because this will be several hundred dollars. We have a joint account, I don't have anything to sell off to use the money, so I will have to ask if I can spend that money.

landclark posted 9/19/2019 19:17 PM

Trying to be as gentle as possible, but wtf are you playing at here? So he tells you he wants to try, and you drop more information, and you keep doing it over and over? I donít care what way you try to rationalize this, but youíre basically knowingly torturing your husband at this point, and hiding behind ďoh, Iím so scared to be loved.Ē Give me a break. Grow up. Heís handing you a gift and youíre stomping on it. If youíre that intent on blowing up any chance with him, just let him go.

66charger posted 9/19/2019 22:38 PM

You did not ask him for permission to enjoy another man. You did not ask him for the money to buy the OMs daughter a present.

You do not have to ask him whether it is ok to spend the money on a polygraph. Scheduling it without asking him is exactly what he wants you to do.

You know that. But you can't schedule it can you?

farsidejunky posted 9/19/2019 22:54 PM

Ah...the old self-fulfilling prophecy.

Really, LD...all you are doing is making sure you earn what you feel you deserve.

Hurt people hurt people, LD. You are demonstrating it with this vicious cycle of TT.

I told your husband in my first post in his thread that you were lying, which was within a week of his arrival here. And despite my earlier defense of you from people with narrow analysis skills, I STILL believe you are lying.

Maybe the folks I lectured earlier were utterly correct in what they said and how they treated you.

It's funny...watching people who say they are something (say...grateful), yet they turn around and behave as if they are the exact opposite.

Prove the doubters wrong, LD. And FFS, do it not because your husband needs it...but rather, do it because it is the right thing to do...which is the exact approach that actually makes you a safe partner for him.

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