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I destroyed my husband

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Pippin posted 8/2/2019 14:58 PM

It seems like youíre doing as well as possible Lifedestroyer. Keep it up. I think many of us wish we had the advice youíre getting and taking in.

If you really had sex one time, and tell the absolute full truth will all the details including the lead up to it and how the affair progressed, the narrative will make sense and over time he may come to believe you. Total honesty is absolutely critical.

Iíd add to the list that you will never doubt his reactions are reasonable and justified. For example, what if in a year he asks out of the blue, say after a nightmare, if he is the father of your child? One reaction might be - why are you asking this? You know the affair was only one time last year. A better reaction is - look how much I destroyed your sense of what is true and what can be believed. Iím so sorry, yes, she is yours, but if a DNA test would ease your mind, Letís do it

It can be confusing when you think you are honest and people correct you. That is to be expected and your understanding of what happened and how will change. Always be honest in the moment and talk to him about your changing understanding. Ie I told myself that the AP manipulated me, but now I see I volunteered for it. No other woman was willing to accept his attention and I was. Accepting what he offered is entirely on me, and I in turn manipulated him to keep the attention coming. Does that make sense? Be totally honest and be open to learning and understanding more and evolving.

Also, be honest about your feelings but know that they will change. So - I believed I loved him and I told him that at the time, but now I know I craved the attention he gave me. Now I think about him and am repulsed. I want to understand better what love is and give it all to you, if you will let me.

Good luck with your conversation. Be thoroughly honest. Iíll pray for you.

HellFire posted 8/2/2019 15:13 PM

Oops. Wrong WS. Disregard the part of my post that talks about the pact.

ShutterHappy posted 8/2/2019 15:54 PM

LifeDestroyer,

I admire your willingness to mend what you have broken. I encourage you to not give up.

When I read the replies from other SI members here on this thread, I find their advice invaluable. Please take the time to re-read and understand what is being said. I know it must be hard to read but itís necessary.

It is important for you to understand that everything you do, it will have to be done for years to come, maybe for the rest of your life. The steps that you are taking are not short term remedies.

Infidelity was imposed on me more than 20 years ago and yet, I can still trigger, after all this time.

If your BH chooses to R, it will be a lifetime commitment on your part.

Continue to do what you are doing, I wish you strength and patience

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:55 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

gmc94 posted 8/2/2019 15:57 PM

This attitude is, IMO, paramount to any hope of R:

Iíd add to the list that you will never doubt his reactions are reasonable and justified. For example, what if in a year he asks out of the blue, say after a nightmare, if he is the father of your child? One reaction might be - why are you asking this? You know the affair was only one time last year. A better reaction is - look how much I destroyed your sense of what is true and what can be believed. Iím so sorry, yes, she is yours, but if a DNA test would ease your mind, Letís do it
This and total honesty are probably the two most crucial forces for any hope. Read this paragraph really closely. Pippin's "better reaction" is basically describing empathy in a nutshell. Something my WH has still not been able to muster (our first "date" after S included him saying he "disagreed" with one of my reactions to his LTA. I cancelled our future dates). I know you have a rough night ahead, but this way of looking at things - of REFRAMING your (wayward) perceptions, can go a very very very long way with a BS.

Godspeed.

Jsmart posted 8/2/2019 15:58 PM

Your BH is going to have 2 big stumbling blocks on the road to a possible R.
The 1st and main one is that the wife of his youth, and I'm assuming untouched by another man, gave his precious to some guy she knew for a few months. That's a huge thing for a man. Imagine he had you up on a pedestal. Unfortunately there's no way to get that back.

The 2nd is that after less that 6 months, you gave your heart away as well by falling in love with POS. You even sickeningly brought your daughter to the guys house. It looks like you were playing happy blended family. Were you 2 talking about a future together? If you didn't discuss it, did you fantasized about it?

Despite everything, I think that you 2 may be able to work things out and slowly build a new marriage. I'm getting a vibe that your husband's shock and awe campaign quickly woke you up. I really hope you can focus your energy on your husband and family and not let yourself fall into self pity or to wallow in sorrow over missing the high of sneaking around with OM.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 16:01 PM

Were you 2 talking about a future together? If you didn't discuss it, did you fantasized about it?


No we never talked about a future together not did I want one with him. I know taking my child to his place was horrendous and seems like I was trying to play house with him. I was not.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 16:03 PM

I don't miss the high of sneaking around with the OM. Someone above made a comment that is absolutely true, I feel disgust when I think about him and what I allowed myself to do.

HellFire posted 8/2/2019 16:10 PM

Why did you involve your child in your affair? As a teacher,you know kids are very observant. She may have seen something. Or, she felt there was something off,but being only 5, she didn't know what.

Is she friends with the other man's kids?

Consider getting your child into therapy. She knows mommy was spending a lot of time with another man,and daddy and mommy are acting different. Even when you try to hide it from them, they still know something isn't right. She might be scared and confused.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:11 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 16:13 PM

I brought her with me while I was watching his daughters for the day while he went to a job.

HellFire posted 8/2/2019 16:28 PM

In your first post, you said you would sometimes hang out with OM in his garage,and make out. Where were all of the children?

faithfulman posted 8/2/2019 17:03 PM

You really must understand how incongruous these statements you wrote that I quoted below are:

Posted by LifeDestroyer

My husband was not in competition with the OM. There was no competition because my husband is a better man than him in every possible way.

VS

I thought I loved the OM

And

I thought I loved him too.

***

If your husband is better in every way, then why did you have a lengthy emotional and physical relationship with another man?

Did you feel that way as you were betraying him?

I'll bet you don't even really know. Right now you are trying to figure out what is "right" to say.

But there is no doubt that you knowingly and willingly engaged in behavior that you knew would destroy the "better man".

***

Meanwhile, here is what you need to think about, what your husband is wondering with regard to who is the better man:

- Did OM have a bigger and better dick?

- Why did my wife do sexual things for him that she would not do for me? (Even if it isn't true, but it definitely is, just due to the nature of your relationship.)

- If she loves me, why did she tell him the truth and lie to me?

- Why does she continue to lie to me? (This is definitely true.)

***

Personally, I have a dimmer view than others above with regard to your behavior post D-day and the level of your betrayal.

- You lied to your husband when he knew something was going on and asked you directly

- You had intercourse with this man after the lie referenced above which should have been your clear wake up call.

- You deleted all the evidence you could

- You continue to lie, omit, and trickle-truth

***

Right now what I read from you sounds like desperation to "unring the bell" - impossible.

If you plan to really try to keep your marriage, you must start telling the entire unvarnished truth.

Telling the truth even if you lose your relationship because of it. That's a lot closer to love than what you have shown him thus far.


[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:09 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

gmc94 posted 8/2/2019 17:20 PM

Telling the truth even if you lose your relationship because of it. That's a lot closer to love than what you have shown him thus far.
Bingo.

Zugzwang posted 8/2/2019 17:36 PM

Why would he want to give me a second chance?

Because people can change if they really dig deep and face themselves and choose to.

Add to the list;

I will not get defensive.
I will own my choices to encourage the affair.
I will not become a victim.
I will be honest about my cheating mindset.

Right now you are trying to figure out what is "right" to say.
Which keeps you from owning your cheating mindset that you had. That can sink the whole recovery process for you both. I and others have pointed out your contradictions and the way you are trying to do "damage control" Damage control is just that. Selfish intentions to keep what you now covet. BS know it and can smell it a mile away.
Start referring to him as the AP.

It doesn't always just matter what you think now. I have seen many new WS that want to focus on the , "but I am not that or think that now". A BS wants the past cleaned out to start anew. They weren't part of that secret past life and they are going to want to make sure that there is nothing left "special" between you and the AP. Just make sure you don't rugsweep in order to focus only on the here and now and the future. Like it or not, you are the person that cheated. You did feel those way. Explore it and own it. Trust yourself to own the guilt and get over the shame that your guilt brings.

I feel disgust when I think about him
as long as you feel disgust with yourself too, IMO this is okay. If you only felt disgust with him, then I would be concerned that you are using him as a scapegoat and not facing the fact that you really are the APs equal other half. What can be said about him can be said about you except that you aren't a serial cheater. Eventually you need to be at indifference. Putting emotional energy into the AP is not good. Having disgust could also make some BS think you are jaded and scorned by the AP. Just be careful with the disgust.

There is nothing to hide and no reason to save face anymore. Your husband already thinks the worse and then some. Who you were is not worth saving. Who you can become is. Remember that you are building a new relationship with him. Not a marriage. In truth you are worse than a stranger on the street because you have shown you are capable of deciet, manipulation, and cruelty. A stranger might be safer than you. You have to build from quicksand a friendship. Not a marriage. You also don't get to start off where you left off. Don't expect MC or to attend to his issues in the marriage. Leave that till he begins to heal and gets out of shock. Which can last a year.

QuietDan posted 8/2/2019 20:49 PM

...

[This message edited by QuietDan at 5:33 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/2/2019 21:30 PM

I gave him my timeline. He doesn't believe any of it. He told me it's over and that he doesn't want to try. I'm numb and in shock right now

faithfulman posted 8/2/2019 21:39 PM

Posted by LifeDestroyer:

I gave him my timeline. He doesn't believe any of it. He told me it's over and that he doesn't want to try. I'm numb and in shock right now

That's a very difficult set of emotions to deal with.

What is your understanding and plan to deal with how he felt and continues to feel?

[This message edited by faithfulman at 9:39 PM, August 2nd (Friday)]

Zugzwang posted 8/2/2019 21:45 PM

That is understandable. It doesn't change anything. You still need to get healthy. For yourself and for your child.

layla1234 posted 8/2/2019 21:55 PM

Yea, that was entirely too quick. This was at minimum a 6 month affair. I wouldn't have believed it if it was written in a day either.

Trdd posted 8/2/2019 21:57 PM

I am sorry to hear that. I am hoping you told him everything and were not trying to conceal something you think he cant recover from.

No doubt he is in pain and because of you lying during the affair his instinct is to not trust you. Unfortunately, that works against you. Deleting messages works against you too. On top of that, he is going to have built up a vision of what you did during the affair and if your story doesn't match it,again, he will doubt you.

Did he share what about your timeline he didn't believe?

Can you retrieve deleted messages to support your story? Did you offer to take a polygraph?

If none of those things will work, you have to just continue to work on yourself and in all interactions try to give him what he needs to heal with no pressure or expectation to reconcile. He may come around in time. If he doesnt, you will at least show him love and respect as the marriage ends. If he does, then you will be primed for a chance at reconciliation.

Butforthegrace posted 8/2/2019 22:40 PM

Give it time. He's on the rollercoaster right now. Patience, persistence, and perseverance.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:32 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

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