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I destroyed my husband

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Justsomelady posted 9/19/2019 23:03 PM

You are embracing self destruction by embracing your avoidance, you know what you have to do to make at least the possibility of reconciliation happen. The only way out is through. It cannot he avoided. He knows you well and knows when you arenít forthright. Clearly you canít find peace either without truth as this trickle plays out over and over. If you donít tell all youíll just keep falling down the rabbit hole away from him and away from his love and all that you share with him and your daughter. Please donít do that.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 11:05 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

M1965 posted 9/20/2019 05:12 AM

LD,

Until you are honest with yourself, you cannot be honest with anyone else.

And that has to begin with admitting the love you had, and may well still have, for your AP.

No human being would do all of the things you did for that man and his children without a strong emotional attachment.

You did not just have an affair with your AP. You were building a complete second relationship, second family, and second life with him, acting in ways that showed total and utter commitment to him and your desire to be with him and his children.

You tried to be with your AP every second that you could be with him, and you tried to blend yourself into his life on every level that you had access to. If that was not done out of love for your AP, what was the motivation?

There are many things that you have not revealed in your thread, just as there are many things that you have not revealed to your husband.

I think that you keep holding things back because every fresh revelation takes you closer to the biggest hidden truth of all, which is the thing that you are still in active denial about. And that is the depth of your love and commitment for your AP.

People have questioned whether you have been writing your posts to your husband. I think you may have been writing them to yourself, like a mantra that will come true if it is repeated often enough.

I know this is not where you wanted to be in life, but the best thing for you, your husband, and your daughter is for you to be honest.

[This message edited by M1965 at 5:18 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

BigBlueEyes posted 9/20/2019 05:25 AM

You're still trying to captain his ship,

Actions prove who someone is,

Words just prove who they pretend to be.


LifeDestroyer posted 9/20/2019 06:15 AM

I emailed the polygraph tester. I can't schedule anything until he responds.

I am not avoiding or denying my feelings for the om during the affair. I absolutely thought I loved him. During the affair, I didn't see it as me blending families, I saw it as a way to see him more. I never wanted his family. I never wanted him to have my family. I just wanted to see him more and feel his attention. I do not still have love for him. That isn't my mantra, it's the god damn truth. I do not miss him. I do not think about him on my own, only when discussing the affair. I do not long to be with him. I do not wonder about him. I would love to never have to think about him again.

I have not revealed every sexual act in my thread because I don't think I need to say that to a bunch of strangers. I have told my BS the details, every detail about them. When I read someone's thread, I'm not wondering how many times they went down on someone or made them orgasm. Admitting those things to him is hard. Having to say those words, waiting for the unknown, having to see his face as years them, watching his entire body tremble is fucking awful. It is absolutely selfish. I know that. I did it.

I had it right there two days ago. I had him ready to do this with me, and I was afraid of losing that. I came clean to my therapist last night, because I had lied to her too when I said that i told him everything weeks ago. I was even ashamed to admit everything to her. I have nothing left to admit. I wish he would tell me what else he thinks has happened, because I have no idea what he is thinking other than what he has already said.

Falconer posted 9/20/2019 06:20 AM

Itís at least a 6 months affair ( that we know of) and by your own admission you at least thought that you were inlove with the other man in the affair fog. I am really sorry but the story that two adults, who are presumably inlove, getting together every chance that they get for 6 months, and all over each other each time and only having intercourse once is simply not believable!

Noone in this thread believes that, your husband certainly doesnít believe that, yet you are holding on to that story for dear life! Had you come clean from the very start maybe your husband wasnít going to think that you had sex with OM in his own bed. But now, how can he be sure? He thinks ď if she can continue to lie about having sex with him so many times when it is so damm obvious, would she tell me the truth about having sex with him in my own bed, which is so much worse? ď

Yes, you would have been much better of if you had told the entire truth at the very beginning. Yes, itís much more difficult now. But know this; by sticking to this inconceivable claim of one time intercourse, you are probably making reconciliation much more difficult, if not impossible!

Your only chance is to tell the truth, nothing but the truth, so help you God! If that truth also includes desecrating the marital bed, then you have to confess that too!

I understand the awful stress you are under. But burying your head in the sand like same damn ostrich and hoping that all of this will blow over is not realistic. Somewhere along the line you have to face that fact. And believe me, the sooner, the better!

HellFire posted 9/20/2019 06:47 AM

Yes, we are just a bunch of strangers on the internet.

We are also YOUR support group. Several of us have been backing you this entire time, myself included. You seem...offended?...defensive...? Because we are asking for the truth. You do realize you've lied to all of us as well? That maybe we are asking for the truth so we know how to continue to support you. And frankly, if we even want to continue that support.


We also are asking for the truth to hold you accountable.

But, hey, we are just strangers, and we aren't owed anything. Truly.

Good luck to you.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/20/2019 06:48 AM

For the people in the back listen up, WE ONLY HAD INTERCOURSE ONE FUCKING TIME!!!!! We snuck around in his garage, that was dangerous enough. We never had an opportunity to have sex until that weekend, and a part of me didn't want to go all the way. Maybe that's why it never happened before, I don't know. We were always in his garage with the doors open. If I went into his house, his girls were right there in the living room. Our physical relationship was more like two teenagers who try to touch each other when they are alone. There was more rubbing, like dry humping, than anything else. I get that it's so inconceivable that two adults could be in a relationship for six months and only have sex once, well it happened. I find it hard to believe that there aren't betrayers in here who had sex with their AP every time. I'm sure there were times when they didn't have sex. It is possible. There were also lots of times when we didn't do anything but talk. I didn't want to always be physical with him. Sometimes I just wanted to vent to him about this one colleague or he just wanted to vent about shit. The majority of our meetups were just that, a venting/bs session.

While writing this the polygrapher just got back to me. He told me to call him so he can answer my questions. I want the test so maybe my BS can believe me on something, even if it doesn't change his mind on giving me a try again.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/20/2019 06:56 AM

Hellfire, in the beginning I had no problem telling the sexual things. Then people messaged me saying to not divulge every little detail because there are people on who just ask for it to basically get off to it. Well, I certainly don't want that, so I cut back on the sexual details here that I disclosed to my BS. This is my support group, even when people are against me. I do need to be held accountable, but I don't think I need to give every little detail about the sexual things we did.

The last things I finally admitted to:
3 more times of oral sex
How many times I got him off
Seeing him a lot more times in his garage
Buying his child a gift
Meeting up behind a gas station to see each other a few times (one of the oral sex times happened then in the car)
My biggest one even though he and all of you already knew but it was still too fucking shameful to admit, no condom

Yes, I am becoming defensive here because I have caused myself to have to repeat certain things because no one can believe it. Also, I can't get defensive with my BS.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/20/2019 07:02 AM

I have fucked up beyond belief. Last night he told me "You won. I am too broken to leave you. I'm not strong enough. I will just stay here and rug sweep it all." I don't want that. That's not what I wanted to happen. I want him to stay here because he actually wants to. I want him to start feeling stronger. He seemed like it two days ago, and then I kicked his legs out from under him again. I didn't say to myself "you're going to trickle truth for two months to keep stabbing that knife in him." I was scared to admit everything. I thought he knew enough. I was making that choice for him. I have finally admitted everything, but I didn't do it on my own. I needed him to pull it out of it me because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I wasn't strong enough to say it on my own.

Justsomelady posted 9/20/2019 07:06 AM

I believe you - and I think it is ok to not put it all here in the thread. As for the intercourse not happening but once, yeah, it actually makes sense as it probably helped you assuage your guilt at the time, like it wasnít so bad if you didnít go that far.

Makes me think of when I was first sexually active and wouldnít do it ďall the wayĒ as a way to justify that I was somehow still a good Catholic. ETA Anyway, people donít believe it I guess as most affairs involve more than that and also you are sort of the boy who cried wolf by acting like you had given the full story and then changing it over and over again.

You said yourself you were not being honest and still had more to say, that is what I was responding to and I think what most of others were saying. not that you should put your details here but that you should be honest with him if you are saying you werenít.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 7:31 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

Justsomelady posted 9/20/2019 07:10 AM

Didnít see your last post just before mine. That is so sad, i hope you are communicating that that is not at all what you were tying to do and that this was all from your fear and avoidance. I still have hope that you can reassure him and help him heal and find a path forward, it just sounds really hard right now. You say that now it is all out on the table so that is good, yes it sucks it had to be dragged out. Keep reassuring him and apologizing in meaningful ways and putting him first.

ETA

I was scared to admit everything. I thought he knew enough. I was making that choice for him. I have finally admitted everything, but I didn't do it on my own. I needed him to pull it out of it me because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I wasn't strong enough to say it on my own.
. Definitely worth exploring the need to control and make that choice for him on your own/in therapy/with him some more.

ETA Have you read Wallopped and Mrs. Wallopedís thread? I am getting a lot out of hers especially right now.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 7:21 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

HellFire posted 9/20/2019 07:22 AM

I've been reading these forums for years. I don't think I've ever had the impression that anyone was getting off on sexual details of a spouse cheating with an AP.

You're having to repeat yourself, because of your own dishonesty.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/20/2019 07:24 AM

I didn't think people would, but someone wrote me in the beginning saying it. If by some chance there is, and honestly they wouldn't say it, I didn't want that.

pinkpggy posted 9/20/2019 08:53 AM

LD- just keep communicating. I wouldn't divulge sexual details, it's no one's business. I think you forget that some of use have been exactly where you are and know exactly how you feel. It's the loneliest,scariest place. It feels like atomic bombs are going off everywhere and the sad thing is we created it. The only way out of it it through it but you HAVE to be honest.

Sanibelredfish posted 9/20/2019 09:25 AM

Hmm...

I didn't say to myself "you're going to trickle truth for two months to keep stabbing that knife in him." I was scared to admit everything. I thought he knew enough. I was making that choice for him.

Yet, if you look back over the past 30ish pages youíll see numerous people telling you all of these things. It didnít have to turn out this way, you just chose not to listen. You need to truly humble yourself and open your fucking ears to what WSs who have already walked your path are trying to tell you.

Do not let you BS rug sweep this, it might kill him. I know this because I had rug swept a lot of questionable behavior in the past and began drinking too much to numb myself. I now have some health issues because of it. If your BH wonít protect himself, please do it for him (at least in the short term).

You might want to look up Sosorry17ís story. She was another one who couldn't be honest with her BS until it was too late.

Darkness Falls posted 9/20/2019 09:30 AM

I donít know if there are people here who ďget offĒ on reading sexual details or not, but regardless, sexual details are no oneís business on a forum full of strangers. You donít owe anyone here an explanation or a divulging of private things. JMHO.

layla1234 posted 9/20/2019 10:12 AM

You said that you never had the opportunity for sex, but you just posted about having oral sex in his car behind a gas station. I'm sorry, but I think you are hiding way more. I hope for your families sake you grow up and own up to everything you've done. Or that your husband grows a pair and leaves you for good.

Newlifeisgreat posted 9/20/2019 10:27 AM

WOW!

I I donít know what to think anymore. part of me believes you., that you want nothing but the best for your husband, And there is also part of me canít believe how treacherous and selfish you are.

Maybe thatís just something that happens When you betray someone and you continue to be selfish and continually stab him in the back and turn the knife with each bit of trickle truth.

I guess I should say do you congratulations on saving your marriage. He staying with you.

But think of the cost. By his own admission he is a broken man and doesnít have the strength to divorce you. Congratulations you did what you had to do to save your marriage.

I recommend you search for a poster named Mrs. South Africa. Find out what happened to her. I think following her example is the only thing that might actually save the both of you, and I donít mean just going through life like the zombie/Broken man, day in day out and your husband obviously is just that. Is that the type of man that you want to stay married to?

He is so broken that you need to think about what is best FOR HIM!! Because he is so broken, YOU need to do what he is not strong enough to do!!! Then, as you prove your selfLESSness to him, that his well being and happiness are more important to you than your own, THEN you can start to build a new relationship that will hopefully will grow
To one that includes love and trust.


One more important thing....
Keep a close but subtle eye on him. He may be reaching the breaking point where he feels the only thing he can do to escape the pain and devastation is to hurt himself


Good luck

I do wish you nothing but the best of luck

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 10:28 AM, September 20th (Friday)]

HellFire posted 9/20/2019 10:49 AM

I wasn't suggesting she share sexual details.

No one needs to know, "I went down on him in the hallway, swallowed, and had bruises on my knees."

But saying they had several sexual encounters,that didn't end in sex, is a lot different than messing around and dry humping.

She can tell the truth without graphic details.

Falconer posted 9/20/2019 11:37 AM

Hellfireís last post was right on money!

And also, you are still sticking to ď only one time intercourseĒ story, but here is my problem with that; according to your version of events, the first 5.5 months of the affair you only fooled around, kissed etc, and only towards the end of the affair you did have intercourse with him. And your explaination to this is, you did not have the opportunity!

So basically, what you want everyone to believe is, when you were head over heals inlove with OM, you had so many chances of doing all kinds of sexual acts with him but somehow, only towards the end of the affair, AFTER your husband practically begged you to fix your relationship with him by the way, you then finally had the ď oppurtunityĒ to have intercourse with the OM! I am sorry, but I simply find this story not believeable...

And please donít take this as a personal attack on you because it really isnít.. I am basically thinking out loud and trying to show you how your version of events sound like to a complete stranger...

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