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I destroyed my husband

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MickeyBill2016 posted 9/20/2019 12:44 PM

We have a joint account, I don't have anything to sell off to use the money, so I will have to ask if I can spend that money.

If anything expense could be considered a joint expense it would be this. If the truth comes out, the cost will be well worth it. Book it

BeyondRage posted 9/20/2019 13:15 PM

I have fucked up beyond belief. Last night he told me "You won. I am too broken to leave you. I'm not strong enough. I will just stay here and rug sweep it all." I don't want that. That's not what I wanted to happen. I want him to stay here because he actually wants to. I want him to start feeling stronger. He seemed like it two days ago, and then I kicked his legs out from under him again. I didn't say to myself "you're going to trickle truth for two months to keep stabbing that knife in him." I was scared to admit everything. I thought he knew enough. I was making that choice for him. I have finally admitted everything, but I didn't do it on my own. I needed him to pull it out of it me because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I wasn't strong enough to say it on my own.

LD,

Despite everything you may have done wrong, HE SAYS HE IS STAYING. And as long as he says that
(1) it doesn't matter if you want him to stay and say that. He gets to decide that
(2) he has gone back and forth many times I guess and there are no divorce papers and as long as that is the case it is better no matter how it happened.

Look, I think people are skeptical still of the sex ( intercourse) thing because people screw in cars all the time. And you had sex intercourse or no.

I t does seem strange that with you as a school teacher getting off work in afternoon and him being available that a serial cheater like him could not figure out a way to be alone with you since he did it before for sure with others.

But I believe you this time because my WW did NOT have sex with her AP's anywhere near every time the opportunity arose. And I have a number of e mails and journal entries confirming that, not just her word.

Make sure there is no more, You are still in the game, your daughter is still with both parents, you are still in your home, and if you are lucky time and your efforts will let your husband heal himself at his own pace.

And since earlier in your marriage he was in the same damm place as you when other men touched you and did everything but screw I guess, I still believe his biggest obstacle is not the sex but your twice pushing him aside when he tried in his own way to confront you.

I hope it works out for you and you pass the polygraph. At least then he can make a decision knowing he has the truth

M1965 posted 9/20/2019 15:56 PM

LD,

I must admit to being more challenging in your thread than I usually am. I have said some things to try and draw you out, but I am taking that approach for positive reasons:

(1) To make you question your feelings, because if you have any residual feelings for your AP, or your commitment to your husband is not 100%, I worry that false reconciliation really could damage your husband badly. He may have beaten your AP up, but you have the power to crush him, and he knows that. It makes him wary.

(2) To ascertain the intensity of the affair, in the interests of honesty, and so people can get a clear idea of its nature. There are various kinds of affairs, and they have different consequences, and different fixes.

(3) To try to draw out from you the reason why you went into the affair so completely, and with so much energy. Not to paint you as a monster, but because whatever gap in your life you plugged with the affair will still be there, open, now that the affair is over. And that is what needs to be fixed in IC and in your own self-reflection.

When I mentioned things that had not been revealed, I was not referring to details of sexual acts at all. I meant the volume of meetings, the amount of contact (on all levels), and the extent of your life that you shared with your AP.

And the reason for that was my sense that you really pursued the affair like an addiction, and that the reason for that addiction absolutely must be fixed if your reconciliation with your husband is to have a fighting chance of success.

I have fucked up beyond belief. Last night he told me "You won. I am too broken to leave you. I'm not strong enough. I will just stay here and rug sweep it all." I don't want that. That's not what I wanted to happen. I want him to stay here because he actually wants to. I want him to start feeling stronger. He seemed like it two days ago, and then I kicked his legs out from under him again. I didn't say to myself "you're going to trickle truth for two months to keep stabbing that knife in him." I was scared to admit everything. I thought he knew enough. I was making that choice for him. I have finally admitted everything, but I didn't do it on my own. I needed him to pull it out of it me because I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I wasn't strong enough to say it on my own.

That is a frank, brave, and insightful statement, LD. I think many have doubted whether you 'get' it or not, but I believe that you are starting to understand the power that you have to damage your husband, and why that has made him periodically draw back from you.

I believe that if your husband wanted to leave you, he would have gone. I believe that he wants to stay, but he is struggling not just with the affair, but also with other issues from his past that have affected his sense of self-worth and being abandoned.

I really hope you have finally put everything out in the open about the affair, because your husband cannot take many more new revelations.

It needs to all be out there for your husband to be able to process it, and hopefully to get past it and begin healing and rebuilding. And that is in both your interests, isn't it?

For the time being, keep on keeping on. If he needs you to be with him, be with him. If he needs space, give him space. His needs will vary and change as the rollercoaster rolls on, but you have seen that already. And apart from the trickle truth, you have been attentive and and sensitive to his feelings. Keep that up; it will do both of you good.

Recovery is going to take time, LD, and at times it will be a bumpy ride, but it is worth sticking it out if you really do want to reconnect with your husband and become his 'rock'. And that is what he needs you to be.

You are not doing this alone; you are both in IC, and maybe that will progress to some MC when you both feel ready for it.

I really hope this works out for you, and that you can become a solid, trustworthy, protective life-partner for your husband. I think you can, if you really try.

Darkness Falls posted 9/20/2019 16:26 PM

I think there’s a misconception here. Opportunity for fooling around/non-PIV sexual contact does not necessarily = opportunity for intercourse.

If you’re fooling around in a car, heavy petting or even giving a BJ is a lot easier to hide and carries a lot less risk of getting caught than does outright fucking in a car. Thus, if a car or other similar semiprivate place is the only opportunity to do anything, it makes perfect sense to make the statement “there was no opportunity for sex” at that time.

Sorry if I’m overstepping or speaking for you, LD.

HellFire posted 9/20/2019 16:38 PM

When you had sexual contact with him,in his garage and home, where were the kids? Where was his wife?

If you were brave enough to do those things with his children,and/or wife, in the next room, then you can surely understand the skepticism that you only had one opportunity for intercourse. Taking huge risks like that,knowing you could get caught very easily, indicates a lack of concern for privacy.

DF, there have been hundreds of BS who have discovered their WS had full on sex in a vehicle. Or a park. Or a public bathroom. Cheaters are resourceful when it comes to finding somewhere to sneak off for a quickie.

I hope the polygraph sets his mind at ease,somewhat.

Falconer posted 9/20/2019 16:47 PM

Yet somehow, those oppurtunies were available for 5.5 months, but the only oppurtunity to have actual intercourse only came by AFTER her husband tried to convince her to fix the marriage. I don’t know, this just doesn’t register with me.

And also, she says that one of the reasons that there was intercourse only one time is because she didn’t really want to go “ all the way” ! But somehow, she decides to go “ all the way”, only AFTER her husband tries to convince her to fix the marriage. I don’t know, call me a skeptic but this just doesn’t make sense to me!

If she really didn’t want to go all the way, and hasn’t by then, she certainly wasn’t about to start doing it right after her husband pleaded with her! It seems to me like the only explaination for that is, she did have sex with him one last time, before she ended the affair and went back to her husband. Given all the facts, this seems like a more plausible scenario to me, but what the hell do I know anyway, right?

faithfulman posted 9/20/2019 17:03 PM

One of the main tools of deception for the cheater is "being technical".

Lifedestroyer, you have been clinging to the blatantly and obviously false story for weeks and weeks: "we only had sex 1 time!!"

Why doesn't anyone believe me!?

You also replied above that you "never got each other off".

Lifedestroyer: Placing another man's penis in your mouth, or him placing his mouth on your genitals is "sex". It is "getting off"

Removing your shirt, dry humping, all that other stuff is not "fooling around".

It's "sexual activity".

You know this. You always knew it. You didn't keep this information from your husband to spare him. You kept it from him to spare yourself. Only you.

There is more. You probably don't remember all of it anymore.

But you have to be honest with him about what you did, and what it was.

I'll be honest with you. I don't have nearly the same desire or confidence that other posters do to "save your marriage".

I just want you to stop stomping your husband's heart. I want you to stop being so disrespectful to him by telling him obvious bullshit lies that nobody with any sense can believe.

Maybe you won't save your marriage. But maybe you'll save him.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:11 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

Darkness Falls posted 9/20/2019 17:21 PM

Oh, of course having sex in a car is more than possible—but not everyone wants to risk it, was my only point. IOW, it’s not automatically a lie.

66charger posted 9/20/2019 17:53 PM

Thus, if a car or other similar semiprivate place is the only opportunity to do anything, it makes perfect sense to make the statement “there was no opportunity for sex” at that time.

It only makes sense if you do not consider blowjobs and masturbation as sex, which is another way a WS minimizes.

I think 99% of people consider blow jobs (and for the matter masturbating your partner) as sex. The opportunity to have sex was always there. Minimizing blow jobs is wayward thinking.

farsidejunky posted 9/20/2019 18:16 PM

LD, keep focusing on intentions rather than actual actions, and you will never be a safe partner.

Your defensiveness is more akin to lashing out at many people who were right. Stop projecting your anger at yourself onto those people. They did nothing more than share uncomfortable truths with you.

Darkness Falls posted 9/20/2019 18:19 PM

66, I get that any sexual contact is considered “sex.” But surely you realize that when most people use the colloquialism “have sex,” they are referring to PIV intercourse.

pinkpggy posted 9/20/2019 18:23 PM

And she swore up and down "no sex happened in the car" over and over. Now it's oral sex in the car. We all know she had sex multiple times. Not "one time half way and didn't like it."

It's makes zero sense.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/20/2019 19:08 PM

I have said that when I say sex I am referring to intercourse, not oral.
I haven't seen the om since dday. The affair ended when BS saw how many times we texted and confronted me. I lied and denied and then confessed to having sex and a relationship with him. The sex happened a week before dday.

Beyond rage, me lying to him after he came to me both times pleading with me that he feels like he is losing me is the biggest thing for him. The reason he gave me last night for staying is not why he should be staying. I broke the man.

We can keep going over this every time, I don't think it will stop. We had intercourse one time. Trust me, I get that it doesn't make sense.

I am done lying to him. Do I expect him to believe that? Nope. Do I hope he will one day? Absolutely.

Newlifeisgreat posted 9/20/2019 19:18 PM

IMPORTANT!! IMPORTANT!! IMPORTANT!!!


I am NOT an expert, and obviously not physically near your husband. But, I just read his post and I’m concerned that he might hurt himself!!!!!

Please consider contacting the National Suicide Hotline and talk to them!!!! Tell them EVERYTHING and ask for their advice on what to do.
1-800-273-8255

I’m not an expert, but you are probably not a good person to support him directly at this time, as you are the source of his pain. It might be better if you reach out to one of his best friends and/or family members who can come over and help him

faithfulman posted 9/20/2019 20:13 PM

Lifedestroyer, earlier in this thread you have stated that:

1) You had told everything to your husband in a level of detail that you have not shared with this forum.

2) You had told your husband that he can read your thread.

Now, you have stated that you came out with further trickle truth that revealed further levels of physical and emotional betrayal.

In fact, you have been lying to him (and us, though you have no obligation to this community even though you have received a great deal of help from it.) directly via your posts!

If you are being honest, you hoped he would read what you wrote on this thread and think: "I guess she told me everything."

Let's look back:

posted by Lifedestroyer:

Fuck no I had no clue about the STD or that there were other women. He obviously wasn't a good man and didn't tell me any of that. Yes, we fooled around with touching and kissing and rubbing. There was no oral prior to the day we had sex. There was lots of talk and what if scenarios. Neither one of us got off while we were together. It was lots of teasing, but nothing to completion.


I traded in the car because the AP was in it, we kissed and touched in it, no sex in it.

I'm sure there is plenty more.

***

To me, all that ever really comes across from your posts is "I" "I" "I" "I" "I".

Focusing on "I" did not get you out of this.

You have tried to lie your way out of this. You have tried to "technical" your way out of this.

None of that will work with a betrayed spouse who refuses to be snowballed and rugsweep.

I see your adamance now that you have told the whole truth. It is truly no different from your adamanace prior when you were obviously lying.

Really, you've tried everything else, haven't you? has it worked? What are you saving? What can you possibly be protecting at this point?

And...if you really have told the whole truth at this point - I doubt it - but if you have, I guess this is the cost of lying over and over.

But please, just tell the truth to your husband. The whole unvarnished, disgusting truth, fully, and completely, from here on out.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 8:17 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

GreatWideOpen posted 9/20/2019 20:13 PM

I wrote this just 6 hours after your very first post on 8/1.

Please come clean to your husband. The makeout sessions, groping, handjobs, bjs, and "things you never did with your husband" need to be disclosed now, not on your way to be polygraphed a few months from now when your BS has been TT to within an inch of his sanity.
And here you are.

I believe you've got nearly all of it out there, sans the knife twists of more bjs and handjobs furnished with special request endings. I have sized up your POS AP, he was stockpiling memories that no one could take away. That's what serial cheating husbands sometimes do. They create their sick list and they patiently ply their gullible partner until they get to check off things like bjs in public places and carwashes, porn star facials, ejaculating on wedding rings, sending you home with his cum on your breath, and the like. I am sure he wanted more sex, but you created enough fabulous memories that you were worth sticking with. In fact, your holding out on the PIV sex probably made that his most cherished memory of all. You were played on an epic scale. That is why you haven't been able to get your bearings for weeks. You have been processing being a betrayed instead of the betrayer.

LD, I appreciate you for continuing to post and allow BHs to respond. Your story will serve as a cautionary tale for WWs and as testament to the absolute lowest a marriage can bottom out at when there is no true remorse, just trickle truthing, self preservation seeking, minimiming denials.

You may stay married, but to the empty shell of your husband, living in a zombie marriage.

M1965 posted 9/20/2019 20:22 PM

Do you ever question how quickly, easily, and completely you are capable of switching loyalty/allegiance?

Eight months ago, you were a married mother living with the man you say you love, and raising a daughter with him.

You started a new job, flirted with a married man, and quickly developed that into pretty much every form of infidelity possible. Photos, videos, dinner dates, sexual acts. Your allegiance switched 100% away from your husband to your AP in a short time.

Your husband discovers the affair, beats up your AP in front of you, and your allegiance immediately switches back to your husband 100%, to the point where you say you do not think of your AP or miss him at all.

Can you see why that looks concerning?

If the narrative you are providing is true, it looks like your loyalty can switch back and forth at a moment's notice.

Given all of the things that you did for your AP, do you not think it is odd that you felt nothing for him as soon as the affair was discovered?

What I am getting at here is that your ability to switch back and forth and back again at a moment's notice has the appearance of having no respect for your husband or your AP.

If the affair was 'right' for you every day for six months, why did it, and your AP, suddenly become undesirable after it was discovered?

Prior to discovery, your AP was your world; a man you could not do enough to please and in some cases serve. Yet the moment the affair was busted, you stopped caring about him completely, and no longer even think of him. Can you see why that looks odd?

If your husband was to ask you, "Why would you not switch allegiance again in six months' time?", what would you say?

More than that, if your AP was so much more attractive to you than your husband for six months, do you feel like you are 'settling' by ending the affair and going back to your husband? If I was your husband, I would be wondering that a lot.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/20/2019 20:32 PM

Newlife, I really appreciate your concern. While my affair and betrayal has brought suicidal thoughts into his head, we both know he wouldn't never act on them because of our daughter. He would never do anything to hurt her. While I am the one who has caused him to feel that way, I am here. Whether he wants me or not, I will always be here for him.


Faithfulman, yes I lied to my BS and the people on this forum. What I told him is the same as what I wrote here. I didn't think he would come here and think "she's telling the truth." I was still lying to him.


Greatwideopen, I have gotten it all out. There's no more sexual acts, none with special request endings. I did not do anything with the om that I didn't do with husband. No I am not looking for credit, I am answering again your original comment. I do not think nor feel that I was betrayed by him. I didn't my bearings because I had been lying to my husband and terrified of losing him. Terrified that telling him every little thing would surely serve me divorce papers and hatred for the rest of his life. I may have still have caused that to happen with my fear/selfishness.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/20/2019 20:43 PM

M1965, I can see that. My husband has said it multiple times that I was able to flip the switch on the om, I can flip the switch on him too. What I keep saying is, I was able to flip the switch on the om because I wasn't truly in love with him. That is how I was able to not have feelings him once the affair was discovered. I will not flip the switch on my husband because I am in love with him. Yea I know, that's bullshit since I betrayed him. I know that I am in love with my husband. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know that I would give up everything if meant I could be his wife again. I know that I have completely annihilated his heart/mind/world and want nothing more than to take it on myself. I know that I have continued to be selfish and afraid. I know all of that, and yet I still know that I am in love with my husband. I know that i won't allow myself to cross those boundaries again. I know that I am not settling for my husband. If he stayed, he would be settling for me. I get that none of my words have not made any sense. Welcome to the inside of my head. My affair hasn't made sense to me. How I could have done these things to my husband hasn't made sense to me. How I could be ok with such intense lying doesn't make sense to me. How my husband still felt love me for doesn't make sense to me.

wifehad5 posted 9/20/2019 22:03 PM

GreatWideOpen,

The graphic nature of your post was not helpful or necessary.

A reminder for all BS's posting on this thread. If you find yourself feeling triggered, step away. This isn't the place for BS's to give 2x4s.

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