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I destroyed my husband

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xhz700 posted 9/23/2019 09:50 AM

There is ZERO humility here. Like not a drop.
Platitudes, and self-flagellation for the public to see, but no humility.

I want you to know something, all of the damage from every little piece of trickle-truth that you are doling out is permanent. Do you understand that? This isn't recoverable. The way he feels about you is changing every time that you do this to him, and you are shredding everything he believes about himself.

This thread is 100% a manipulation. I am not saying that you know that's what it is, but that IS what it is. You just don't know a better way of getting through this.

We aren't fooled. We have seen too much of this. Your husband is fooled, because he loves you too much to see the truth, but he will see the truth, and by that time, he will have nothing left for you.

Tell him the rest of the truth, timeline final edit, right now today. If you don't, you will never gain back what you lost of yourself.

Kiba posted 9/23/2019 10:23 AM

This thread is 100% a manipulation

Yes it is. Her actions during the affair look like someone who thought there was a future with the AP. It all came crashing down for her on DDay when she realized that the AP was just looking to hit it and she was not special to him. Now she is trying desperately to salvage the life she had before the affair.


LD,
Why does your husband not believe you will not flip that switch on him, like you did the AP? Maybe it has to do with the fact you first flipped that switch on him to chase a life and future you thought you were going to have with the AP. You ignored his pleas to fix your marriage. You went out with the AP where you could have easily had been caught. Bought presents for his children. You clearly fostered a relationship with the AP while simultaneously disregarded the relationship you had with your husband. That is why he is having a hard time believing you. Your actions during the affair appear to shows that you were actively pursuing a future relationship with the AP. That means your marriage to your husband was all but over.


You only had sex with the AP once! I believe you, but know that the number of times you had PiV sex doesn't actually matter? You were physically and sexually intimate with the AP multiple times a week for months. Doesn't matter which orifice you gave him access to.


If your husband decides to maintain a marital relationship with you, you better treat it like he gave you the gift of life and that you will die with out him. Because he should leave you.

Good Luck with your marriage. Hopefully you will pull your head out of your ass and actually see the man you had all along was one of the best damn men in the world. Despite the pain you continue to inflict on him, he still is defending you.

WilliamM posted 9/23/2019 10:54 AM

I believe you love your husband. I also believe that you are remorseful, and if you can take this pain away, you would. I believe you would bare his pain and trauma for him. Sadly, you cannot. But you what can do is help you through his pain. That starts with full truth. If he now has full truth, then good. That would be major progress. You also admit that you lied for fear of losing him. And there are those that will believe that you have not told your full truth. Sadly, there is no way to prove that you have told your truth because evidence is destroyed, gone, or not available.
If there is more that you are holding back, then please tell him so you both can be done with the details of the affair and begin working on healing for both of you. Being in pain and waiting for the next batch of pain to come stagnates growth and healing (that's an understatement); but you know that already. You've seen its effects on your lives. Its like he is drowning in quicksand. He is trying to get out and only you can get him out with the truth. But the items you use to save him keep breaking and he slips deeper in the quicksand. That is what TT does to you. It keeps you trapped in quicksand. Slowing drowning in it. Only full truth can take you out of quicksand. I want nothing but the best for both of you. I hope and pray for both of you.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/23/2019 11:06 AM

So let me understand this, when a WS doesn't acknowledge that fucked up and are in fact a bad person, they are not acknowledging who they are, but when a WS does acknowledge that they fucked up and that they are a bad person they are playing the victim?

Holy fucking shit, I am acknowledging what a shitty person I am. I am not asking for sympathy. I am not asking for Pat's on the back. I am not.playing the victim. I am that person. I know I don't deserve my husband. I know he would be happier and better off without me. I know he deserves the world. I know that if he chooses to give the chance that I will treat it as a gift and work my ass off to be a safe partner for him.

I also get it that for some reason it so hard to understand when a WS doesn't have feelings for the AP anymore. Maybe and just maybe it's because the feelings we had weren't true deep feelings? Maybe we actually don't care for our APs anymore.

If you want to say that I haven't had any humility throughout all of this, then that's fine. Again, your opinion. I see every single day what my lies have done to my husband. Every single day I say to myself "he should divorce me." Believe it or not I actually do know what I deserve.

pinkpggy posted 9/23/2019 11:07 AM

I've been saying from post 1 that she posts for him to read. The lies, endless lies here and to her husband.

It reminds me of Taken4Granted. Her husband came to Wayward and lied, lied, lied. We kept forcing the truth, because we knew, and yes, the truth came out and then the damage was done and she divorved him. If you are still lying and holding on to the sex one time story, you really need to come clean.

You say we can't understand how you feel, but some of us can, we WERE you. We warned you, we said you were lying, said what it would do to your husband. We have sat through the hell, faced it and walked through it. You have every right to be angry, be angry at yourself. This is an incredibly painful process and you've used this tool to manipulate us and your husband, and still none of us belive it.

You'll get to that place some day. It took me a good six months (and a lot of time here) to actually wake up. I just hope when you get there it isn't too late.

farsidejunky posted 9/23/2019 11:18 AM

LD, you need to read this.

Your lashing out is a response to feeling like a victim.

Google the term "Lynne Forrest Three Faces of a Victim". It will explain it all.

ETA: It appears links cannot be posted any longer, or I would do so...despite the fact that I have posted this exact link here multiple times in the past.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 11:18 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

Jsmart posted 9/23/2019 11:36 AM

I think that one of the issues that many here are finding hard to believe is the complete change from being so in wuv with OM, proved by your actions during the affair, to just a complete drop in feelings for OM. That simply is NOT the norm. So that causes the spider senses of many to tingle.

Most here have not only lived this but have read 1000s of threads on this and similar boards. What I've seen in real life and especially read over and over are WWs in particular but sometimes WHs too, are waywards that pine for affair partner for months and sometimes even years. They are usually indifferent to their BH, sometimes unable to even have sexual relations with their BH without feeling repulsed and many having to resort to a fake it until they make it.

Then on the other hand you were saying all of the right things that most BHs want to hear. Some BHs were so moved by your thread that they went to bat for you on your husband's thread, only to get burned by not only your BHs side of the story but your recent trickle truth revelations.

Can I ask what do you attribute the complete drop in feelings for OM and the reigniting of feelings for your BH to be? Your simple answer that the feelings for OM were not real are not bored out by how intense your affair was.

Did seeing your husband beat down your ex-boyfriend trigger something primal in you? I doubt it was finding out that OM was a serial cheater or that he had an STD. We already know that OM being a jobless loser didn't slow you down from what appears like playing the blended family test run. So what exactly is it that made you trade your loyalties back to your husband?

I know it's hard to believe but most here, including me, are rooting for your marriage and family to survive.

Kiba posted 9/23/2019 11:44 AM

I know that if he chooses to give the chance that I will treat it as a gift and work my ass off to be a safe partner for him.

Okay, so what does that look like? Do you even know?

Personally, I believe you should have already been working your ass off. Enough people here have told you what you needed to do and needed to be for him right from the beginning. You have not done any of that. You know you should have gotten those deleted texts restored, but didn't. You said you were looking for a polygraph tester, but didn't. You said you gave him a complete timeline, but didn't.

So if you are not currently working your ass off to be a safe partner for him right now, why should he believe you will be a safe partner for him if he chooses to stay married to you?

There is a meme/quote I have heard and will paraphrase...

I cannot hear what you are saying because your actions are screaming something else.

Your actions show you are not currently safe. Your actions show that you do not desire to be safe. Your actions show that you choose the AP over your husband. Your actions show that you believed that you thought you had a future with the AP.

So start being that safe person now. Show it through your actions. If nothing else, you will be a better partner in your next relationship.

Kiba posted 9/23/2019 11:49 AM

Jsmart,

I think that one of the issues that many here are finding hard to believe is the complete change from being so in wuv with OM, proved by your actions during the affair, to just a complete drop in feelings for OM. That simply is NOT the norm. So that causes the spider senses of many to tingle.

Oh I believe that can happen. Her husband beat down the AP. That same day she finds out that the AP has a history of cheating and may or may not have had an STI. And the kicker was that the AP refused to accept her calls (she had to text him an NC). The OP knew righ then that she was used and that there was no future with the AP. That is all enough to feel disgusted with one self for allowing themselves to fall for it. She could even hate the OP because of it. Though she has no mention of it.

[This message edited by Kiba at 11:49 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 9/23/2019 11:50 AM

Can I ask what do you attribute the complete drop in feelings for OM and the reigniting of feelings for your BH to be? Your simple answer that the feelings for OM were not real are not bored out by how intense your affair was


But why? Why can't it be that the feelings weren't true love? I wouldn't have given my life for the ap. I wouldn't have moved across the country for the ap. I wouldn't have lived alone for 6 months at a time for the ap. I wouldn't have wanted to have a baby with the ap. I wouldn't have been willing to sacrifice something that I have always wanted just so the AP could be happy. It wasn't true I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I will clean up your vomit, change your bedpan, be there consoling you when a loved one dies, beg on my knees kind of love . My feelings for my husband never went out. I sure as shit put them in the back of the freezeer covered up by the frozen vegetables, but they never went out. Why are they so god damn strong now? Because I finally see what he feels for me. I saw it in the beginning when we were together, then the glasses slowly got put on and blocked me from seeing how much he truly loves me. I want his love. I want his love until the day I die. I want to reciprocate that same love to him.

LifeDestroyer posted 9/23/2019 11:55 AM

And the kicker was that the AP refused to accept her calls (she had to text him an NC). The OP knew righ then that she was used and that there was no future with the AP. That is all enough to feel disgusted with one self for allowing themselves to fall for it. She could even hate the OP because of it. Though she has no mention of it

I called the AP because my husband told me to. I had the phone out, he heard him say "nope not doing this" and hung up. I asked him what he wanted me to do next. He told me text him. I knew there was no future with the AP because I didn't want one. He used me, I used him, we used each other. I have absolutely mentioned that I hate the AP. I have mentioned all of the feelings that I have about him, but people just keep saying that I still love him and I'm pining for him

Kiba posted 9/23/2019 11:56 AM

Why are they so god damn strong now?

Because you realize your husband is a better man than the AP ever was. Not perfect, but better.

I want his love. I want his love until the day I die.

Acta non Verba

Show that by your actions, not words to internet strangers.

I want to reciprocate that same love to him.

The great thing about love, is it is unilateral. We decide if we want to love someone or not. You do not have to wait for him to love you first. So start loving him.

Kiba posted 9/23/2019 12:04 PM

I called the AP because my husband told me to. I had the phone out, he heard him say "nope not doing this" and hung up. I asked him what he wanted me to do next. He told me text him. I knew there was no future with the AP because I didn't want one. He used me, I used him, we used each other. I have absolutely mentioned that I hate the AP. I have mentioned all of the feelings that I have about him, but people just keep saying that I still love him and I'm pining for him

Oh I know you are responsible for your choices. While I believe that the AP was manipulating you. I believe you wanted him to do so. You were an easy mark for him, because if you were hard he would have given up and your marriage would have remained intact.

Carissima posted 9/23/2019 12:11 PM

My feelings for my husband never went out. I sure as shit put them in the back of the freezeer covered up by the frozen vegetables, but they never went out. Why are they so god damn strong now? Because I finally see what he feels for me. I saw it in the beginning when we were together, then the glasses slowly got put on and blocked me from seeing how much he truly loves me. I want his love. I want his love until the day I die. I want to reciprocate that same love to him
.

So what happens if you stay together and life gets somewhat complacent? If you get complacent? If you lose this awareness again in the humdrum events of normal daily married life?

What steps have/will you put in place to prevent this happening again? What practical steps have you implemented to strengthen your boundaries?

Bigger posted 9/23/2019 12:13 PM

LD

The opposite of love is not hate but rather indifference. While you hate the OM you are showing some unappreciated emotions for him (as far as your husband is concerned).

Once again: Go back to my post on page 14. I shared the same post with your husband. I truly believe that you have a small window of opportunity NOW and maybe the next 12 hours to use that suggestion as a base to work from. I also TRULY think that once this window closes the chances of any recovery shrinks by the hour.

It might not be an ideal solution, but it would AT LEAST have you two working in a unified way.
But remember – that suggestion is totally 100% based on honesty. If your husband were to share here on SI in 3 months that he learned some new secret, I would be screaming D at him…

Jsmart posted 9/23/2019 13:44 PM

Extreme over the top declarations of love seem hollow and insincere when just weeks prior you were passionately declaring your love for OM. I can almost understand the ignited feelings due to your husband so forcefully displaying his love for you but some of these post are so over the top. I hope that doesn't come across as judgmental. I'm just making an observation.

As for using him, I got to tell you, the using was completely 1 way. You enthusiastically gave up your body for cheap male attention and gaze. Do you not see how silly it sounds to us and hurtful to your husband to say you were using him too? If he were a financially well off and you were getting him to lavish you with expensive gifts or trips or an opportunity for something you needed or wanted maybe I could see it but for a guy to tell you how hot you look?

During the affair were you not cold and indifferent toward your husband? That's a known mechanism that WWs use to avoid intimacy with their husband in order to remain faithful to their new man.

With all of the time you spent together as a blended family, did you ever talk about what it would be like if you to were able to be together as a couple or what having a child together would be like?

Did you ever ask yourself to what would have happened if OM were not a jobless, serial cheating player who got beat down by your husband? What if he had bested your husband in that fight? That last question is one for you to take your time contemplating or even discuss in therapy.

HellFire posted 9/23/2019 14:02 PM

I wouldn't have given my life for the ap. I wouldn't have moved across the country for the ap. I wouldn't have lived alone for 6 months at a time for the ap. I wouldn't have wanted to have a baby with the ap. I wouldn't have been willing to sacrifice something that I have always wanted just so the AP could be happy.


Any BS who reads this will have the same thought...you were willing to sacrifice your marriage for AP. You were willing to shatter your husband, for AP. You were willing to lose 50% of your time with your child,for AP. You were willing to possibly destroy your career for AP. You were willing to risk your child's security,family,and happiness, for AP.

I believe you no longer care for OM. But I think it's because of who he turned out to be. A man who cheats on his wife,while he knowingly has an std. A man who will be sexual with an OW, while his child is in the next room, and the doors are open. A man who got his ass kicked by a far superior man.


So. Now you've decided to stop lying. Ok. So what work are you doing, specifically, to be a safe partner? What actions are you taking now, as opposed to a week ago,when you were still lying? Honesty is a good start. Then what?

BraveSirRobin posted 9/23/2019 14:52 PM

Hi again, LD.

I'm sure you're right that some people come on to threads to project their own experience. That's been the case for me lately, which frankly is why I've stayed away.

Your TT story is so much like mine that it's seriously triggering for me. It brings back painful memories of this time last year, when I was still making my BS force everything out. I remember the cycle of him coming to grips with what he'd learned, seeing him turn pale with the hit, unable to eat, unable to sleep, then a day or two later letting himself entertain the possibility that it could actually be over. Asking for confirmation that that was everything, with huge terrified eyes, steeling himself against fear and hope, simultaneously. Me, wanting to be able to say honestly, yes, that's everything, it's over! Wanting it to be over so badly that I decide to make it be over, not by gathering the courage to tell the truth, but by finding the stamina to keep lying. And then the more pointed questions, me stammering, the guilt, the confession, the kick in the gut, the cycle starting again. Knowing it's all my fault, both the cheating and the lying, hating myself for being too cowardly to let go of the outcome. Spiralling shame and terror. Self-disgust, knowing I should be disgusted because I did this, all of it. Running and hiding, trying to forget so that I won't have to say it, he won't have to hear. And then, the the big-eyed question, "That's everything now, right?" Rinse and repeat.

Until recently, I've been so sure that you were still lying that it's been too hard for me to check in and offer any advice. Knowing that that scenario was playing out in the world again, right now, and that I was helpless to prevent it just hurt too damn much. With this last disclosure, I wanted to believe that you were getting to the real end of it, that you were realizing how little of him there was left to put back together. I hoped you would accept that if you didn't stop this soon, you would be attempting to reassemble a pile of dust.

I wanted to believe it, so I watched and listened. And again, I'm disappointed, because you've moved back into anger and defensiveness. You're spitting venom at yourself and everything else but showing no real vulnerability. You act like a cornered animal, and cornered animals have something to defend. And no, I'm not inside your head, but I was right about you lying before and I just still have that gut feeling that you still are not done.

I find myself wondering what you were thinking weeks ago when you said you were ready to take a polygraph but just couldn't find anyone to administer one. I mean I'm honestly wondering, not asking a snarky rhetorical question. You knew you were still lying, so what was your strategy at that point? To hope that by showing your willingness to go, you wouldn't have to? To give a parking lot confession? To successfully lie and beat it? Or had you convinced yourself that you could pass, because what was left was just subtle variations on what he already knew?

I ask because you're talking about a poly again, and you should really, really explore, in your own mind, if anything scares you about that. Are there questions you hope the examiner won't ask? Do you worry that anything is "subject to misinterpretation?" Ask yourself, because those are the places where you'll find your remaining lies. If you did something that "wasn't intercourse" because he only penetrated for a brief time. Or where you regretted/stopped the activity, so it didn't count. How you consented to the sex -- your enthusiasm for it, the exact words. How intimate the "non-sex" sex was. These were just some of my lies-after-I-stopped-lying. I'm sure you still have your own. Find them and tell him now, proactively, before he asks.

I may be projecting, but don't kid yourself that I'm getting any enjoyment from it. Nor do I hate you. I'm trying to figure out how to get you to see your blind spots while you're bullheadedly insisting you don't have any. You won't see them until you let this anger and resentment go.

newandhurt posted 9/23/2019 15:17 PM

I just joined this site and but I have read both the posts. To me it looks like you're avoiding taking a polygraph and recovering your texts. You have been talking about getting your phone recovered but it doesn't look like you have done anything about it since you talked about it last week, and you always try your best to avoid these topics. Instead you keep on parroting the same script in different versions.

What's with sending emails to the polygraph testing places? I googled polygraph testing and every single place has a phone number that you can call. If it was so important to you, you would have been trying your best and calling instead of making a lazy effort by sending emails.

Chili posted 9/23/2019 16:20 PM

Because I finally see what he feels for me. I saw it in the beginning when we were together, then the glasses slowly got put on and blocked me from seeing how much he truly loves me.

But all of this has changed. It will never ever look the same. No matter what you or he proclaims with exuberant words - everything is now going to look completely different no matter what path you take.

All those *feelings* and the marriage can't be taken out from the back of the freezer, defrosted, and magically made perfect just because someone says it shall be so.

Listen closely to those vets around here who have built new marriages and *feelings* from the absolute ashes of destruction. It's painful. It's a slog. It requires humility, vulnerability, fear, and a whole bunch of other uncomfortable *feelings* as a part of the daily routine. And it's a journey of continual actions. Being mindful with each and every shaky step. And there are no guarantees.

Someone on your thread suggested taking off the rose colored glasses. I agree. There are no guarantees that your husband's *love* will be sustainable for any part of the future. You indicate he will always be there for you (and vise versa) - but that's wishful and magical thinking considering the circumstances. (Or probably most everyday circumstances now that I think about it).

I am a BS if that matters. But I believe real healing (no matter the path) happens when you actually get busy living an outward life that matches up with your words and feelings.

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