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I destroyed my husband

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skerzoid posted 10/12/2019 11:57 AM

[This message edited by skerzoid at 11:58 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 10/12/2019 21:19 PM

Pass and prove that I didn't hide anymore but have him stay in pain. Fail and he can hand me divorce papers, I have to move out, and he can be happy again.

Passing may not make him happy, but failing certainly won’t either. You taking a polygraph won’t change the pain that has already been caused.

When I took my polygraph, my BH was looking to finally be able to “catch” me in a truth. He was too tired of the TT. When I passed, he looked at me and said that passing didn’t fix things. What passing did, was allow for a springboard to move forward. Prior to taking the poly, I had no where to go. We were stuck.

Even if the result is D papers, go there and tell the truth. Leave with your head held high that you are doing the right thing. Failing is only on you.

I wish you well LD.

beenthereinco posted 10/13/2019 12:19 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:02 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

zooom posted 10/13/2019 22:16 PM

Did you go through with the poly on Sunday?

LifeDestroyer posted 10/14/2019 06:45 AM

I owe everyone on here an apology. I did appreciate every single word of advice, but I never took the most important one "be completely honest."

I passed the polygraph but only because I lied all the way up to it. Before taking it, the tester said one of the questions was "to your knowledge gave you withheld any information from your husband regarding the affair." I know I would fail that question or if I answered "yes" he would have told my husband. I told the man every single thing I held back. He then told my husband them.

My inability to confess has caused me to hurt my husband over and over again. It has caused our daughter to have only see one parent on certain days. It has caused me to have to look for apartments and leave our home. My inability to tell the truth gas caused me to lose everything that I had.

To any WS reading this who haven't confessed yet, do it. Listen to the members on this site. Don't let yourself lose it all because you're too scared of what will happen.

Kiba posted 10/14/2019 07:28 AM

WS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:38 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 10/14/2019 07:39 AM

This is a reminder that the stop sign was added to this thread. It is closed to Betrayed Spouses.

Lifeitself posted 10/14/2019 07:50 AM

Sorry to hear that LD. I don’t think you TT’d on purpose, to make your BH suffer more, but you weren’t brave enough to come clean. You had your reasons, probably too late now to discuss them.

You said you were looking for an apartment. Is your BH keeping the house? Or is it going to the market? Did he give you a deadline to move out?

Justsomelady posted 10/14/2019 07:59 AM

Wishing you all healing in the next chapter. Very sorry to hear it had to come to this.

Really glad you did end up coming clean - he has to know what he is coming to terms with and things were not adding up. You help him heal in this way, with the truth. and yes it probably will mean a loss of the marriage but you did ultimately get it out there and that counts for something even if it is not something to help you as a couple - it helps him move forward and it helps you know you are capable of better and can live authentically going forward.

I hope you can take this as an opportunity to approach life in a new, truthful, more accountable way.

Please seek out support systems, IC, and maybe some sort of church or women’s group that can help you. You made some poor choices but you are a person who has a lot of potential and can learn and grow. I know you had mentioned some suicidal ideation in the past - so please do not go there. You can be there for your daughter and your dad and your life does have value and you are capable of change.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/14/2019 07:59 AM

No, I didn't continue to lie to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him on purpose. I continued to lie because I was afraid of a lot of things.

He is keeping the house. If I kept it, then that wouldn't be a consequence. He hasn't given me a deadline yet to leave.

pinkpggy posted 10/14/2019 10:05 AM

Your husband's post kept me up half the night. I can only think of one other time I was completely in shock over another waywards behavior on this forum. You didn't just lie, you used the vulnerability of fellow waywards and posted here to manipulate your narrative, while reading his posts. I understand your reasons for hiding the truth from him, but to use 39 pages here to further twist and manipulate is really really disturbing. I hope you are in intensive IC.

ETA: I never fell for your "story" and repeatedly said you were lying. But man I'm annoyed at investing my time, my energy and bringing myself back to triggers and vulnerability to try to help. Sheesh.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 10:29 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

zooom posted 10/14/2019 10:26 AM

>Your husband's post kept me up half the night.

Jeez I just took a peek at it. You did say you were done with the Trickle Truth a month ago LD. We told you to come clean and that any more TT would hurt your husband much more. I don't really think you're a safe partner at this point and all these 40 pages of posts should be a case study of regret over remorse. I'll second pinkpggys suggestion of going to IC or meeting more regularly if you're already going.

BraveSirRobin posted 10/14/2019 11:39 AM

Let's talk about what scared you.

Obviously, you were afraid of consequences, but everyone including your husband made it crystal clear that you were more likely to lose your marriage by lying than you were by telling the truth. You decided that you knew better than all of us, and that he didn't need the full story, no matter what anyone else thought. I'm not hammering this point to make you feel worse, but to point out that something else was at work beyond the blind fear that you're citing. There was some kind of self-protection that went deeper than the fear of divorce, deeper than guilt at hurting your husband. The fear of powerlessness was at the heart of your lies.

You're now telling every future wayward to listen to our advice, and do what you wish you had done. This bypasses a critical step of figuring out why you didn't listen. Again, it wasn't just fear. Every wayward on here was scared of coming clean. Your walls were thicker than most. And as several other WS have observed, you were using this forum to manipulate your BH, along with everyone else, in your insistence that everyone had you pegged wrong. You've been utterly determined to control the narrative, no matter what it took. Now you have no power left. Where do you go from here?

That's the question that will define you, LD. Do you keep evading and resisting? Do you vanish because now that your husband knows the truth, there's no point in posting lies to try and deceive him? Or do you PM some of us, voluntarily rather than to impress anyone, and really start the work?

If you're going to get anything out of this site, it's going to have to come from you. I'm not sure you have it in you to really humble yourself and tackle the tough questions. But I'm still hoping that you do.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/14/2019 11:48 AM

I didn't want to continue posting on my thread because of all the lies, but I came back on to apologize and say how I screwed up.

I have no idea where I go from here. Right now, I'm trying not to break down at school.

I was not using this forum to manipulate him. Everything I said on here, lies and not, I also said to him before posting here. I did not want people to then go on his thread and take my side.

Trust me, I know I deserve every single negative comment I'm going to get here and on his thread I'm sure. I am pming people. I will just reply with apologies on this thread if anyone else writes.

pinkpggy posted 10/14/2019 11:54 AM

I was not using this forum to manipulate him. Everything I said on here, lies and not, I also said to him before posting here. I did not want people to then go on his thread and take my side.

You manipulated US and everyone who read both forums and everyone who invested in helping you, and you knew what you were doing. Yelling, listen up for those in the back, we only had sex once. It was so transparent and you wanted him to read your words as well as try to get us to believe you.

I mean....try to help yourself. You need to really really figure out what is going on in your head. I cannot judge you because I was you and I did the exact same thing and told the exact same lies, so that is how I knew you were lying. But at some point the bucket of cold water needs to be dumped on your head. Wake up!! What more is it going to take?

ETA: When I was where you were, a friend said to me, don't you want your life back? And I said yes! And she said, then take it back. Its up to you. I just think you are so so in the fog you haven't snapped out of it yet.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 11:55 AM, October 14th (Monday)]

zooom posted 10/14/2019 12:10 PM

>I was not using this forum to manipulate him

You read his thread didn't you. I don't know if that breaks site rules or not, but you saw what he wrote and framed your responses so he wouldn't find out more. It looks like it was an exit affair that didn't pan out. You were talking about purposely failing the poly by framing it as what would be best for him, but you knew the really reason was there was a lot more truth you haven't told him. The entire thing was manipulative. I'm not sure where you go from here. Has he said he's getting the divorce or will he try to reconcile?

You've just been in regret mode the whole time. Just self protective measures the whole way. I'm not sure the way for you to reach remorse. Have you told the IC the truth or have they been lied to too. If they don't have the truth yet, be honest so they have the best chance to help you.

[This message edited by zooom at 12:11 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Justsomelady posted 10/14/2019 12:10 PM

Second what BSR wrote and recommend you take this thread to your counselor

LifeDestroyer posted 10/14/2019 12:11 PM

You are absolutely right, and I am in a fog. I can't believe I actually did this. I can't believe I'm going to lose my husband. I can't believe I have to move out of our home. The biggest one, I can't believe our daughter is going to lose days with a parent because of me. So yes, I am in a fog of disbelief.

pinkpggy posted 10/14/2019 12:13 PM

At this point you can save the dramatics. We have all been there. We get it. Its a shit storm, an atomic bomb YOU dropped on your life. Newsflash: the same thing happened to ALL of us.

Yet you continued to do NOTHING about it, for months. So please stop with the woe is me.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 10/14/2019 12:30 PM

I have no idea where I go from here.

I will just reply with apologies on this thread if anyone else writes.

Ok, so why not start a whole new thread and start doing some real work? Start digging into why you let this story go in the direction you did. Look at BSR’s post to you and start there. Stop apologizing. Start working.

I can't believe I actually did this. I can't believe I'm going to lose my husband. I can't believe I have to move out of our home. The biggest one, I can't believe our daughter is going to lose days with a parent because of me. So yes, I am in a fog of disbelief.

How is it you can’t believe it when you were the one orchestrating it? One of my favorite “aha” moments was when I told our marriage councelor that I felt like it was someone else that did all of the awful things I did. He leaned in real close, made eye contact with me and simply said, “but that was you”.

Take responsibility for your actions.

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