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I destroyed my husband

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thatwilldo posted 8/2/2019 22:50 PM

LD,

It's good to remember that, when you are telling a truth, he's hearing it for the first time and it's very harsh and traumatic for him. He doesn't believe you because you've lied to him for months.

Stay consistent. Show him that you love him. Have patience. Stay strong. This will take time.

(((LifeDestroyer)))

QuietDan posted 8/2/2019 22:53 PM

....

[This message edited by QuietDan at 5:30 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 09:05 AM

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

pinkpggy posted 8/3/2019 09:17 AM

Fellow WW here. I just want to say I think you are doing amazing and handling yourself here and at home incredibly well. You seem to have a good grasp on what you have done and the work you need to put in to work towards healing.

I'm not going to give you advice but I am going to give you hope that it can get better. I was exactly where you were 2.5 years ago. It was like nuclear bombs were going off left and right and I saw no way out of the mess I had made.

Keep being honest, don't try to hide anything, if you had sex more than once you really need to own up to it (no one believes that). Be consistent in your words and actions and stay no contact. Make sure to take some quiet time for yourself too and rest, exercise and try to eat right. Hang in there. It will get better.

pinkpggy posted 8/3/2019 09:17 AM

Duplicate

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:18 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

Pippin posted 8/3/2019 09:19 AM

(((LifeDestroyer)))

You have done the right thing in telling him. I know it doesn't feel like that, and waywards almost by definition are used to running toward good feelings and away from bad ones. This is a huge experience the other way - you have done the right thing and it feels terrible. Over time, keep doing the right thing (if you are uncertain SI can help a lot), and you'll be able to hang on to that building core of doing the right thing to help with the bad feelings.

What happens at first is not what will happen in the long run. He may decide to divorce, he may decide to reconcile, there are couples on SI who have divorced and then remarried or divorced and stayed together. You can't make a plan and work toward it right now. What you do now is: take care of your daughter and be present for her, be present for your husband in whatever way he wants (that will almost certainly change and sometimes minute to minute) and use this as an opportunity to work on yourself from the inside out.

You and your husband are having completely different experiences right now. Let him have his experience and reactions without trying to manage it. Stay open to whatever he needs from you, listen and don't be defensive, stay honest, work very hard on understanding how he feels (reading BH threads helps with that).

For yourself, work hard on understanding what your thinking was at each step in the affair, what you could and should have done differently, how your thinking and coping needs to change.

As a side note - I think men understand male reactions to infidelity much better than women do. If you didn't already despise your AP, consider that he knew more than you did how this would affect your husband and did it anyway, for his own gratification.

People often say to take care of yourself. Try to eat well, take vitamins, go for long walks.

There's a lot of hard times and humbling times coming but stay honest, stay and remember that people can come through infidelity and be better people. You can do that too.

SI is slow on the weekends sometimes but there are people rooting for you and who care about you.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 09:24 AM

He only wants to talk to me if it's regarding our daughter. He won't let me come home. My dad is now pushing me to get things rolling and all I'm trying do is find my breath. The world I knew is gone. I blew it up. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I can do anything. I told him my awful truth. I looked up a polygraph place. I wrote the steps he wanted but he didn't want to hear he said people on his thread told him to tell me to write them down so he did. He said he felt relieved telling me it was over. I don't think he's going to change his mind.

pinkpggy posted 8/3/2019 09:26 AM

Also one thing that REALLY helped me was finally learning to let go of the outcome. Your BH will be up and down for months, even years. You cannot control his emotions and reactions to you. Right now he hates you, doesn't believe a word you say and probably makes him sick to look at you. My husband asked for a divorce 10x (he's upstairs snoring right now after snuggling and watching a movie last night).

Focus on doing the right thing, remaining truthful and continuing to support him in whatever decision that may be. Answer all his questions, give the full truth.

If he is discussing divorce, rather than doing that blindly and being scared, I'd suggest meeting with an attorney to understand the process and what that entails and looks like in this scenario. It will give you peace of mind.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 9:28 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 09:53 AM

I can't believe that I did this. I can't believe that I hurt my husband so badly, that I crushed his heart. I can't believe that I changed my daughter's life. I changed my daughter's life. She won't have both of her parents together in her life anymore because of what I did. She will have co-parents. She will have a broken home because of me. How did I do this? I'm not the person I was. I don't know who this person is.

thatwilldo posted 8/3/2019 10:09 AM

Pippin said:

You have done the right thing in telling him. I know it doesn't feel like that, and waywards almost by definition are used to running toward good feelings and away from bad ones. This is a huge experience the other way - you have done the right thing and it feels terrible. Over time, keep doing the right thing (if you are uncertain SI can help a lot), and you'll be able to hang on to that building core of doing the right thing to help with the bad feelings.

This is such good advice. In fact her whole post is excellent. In the long run, you'll be very relieved not to be keeping secrets.

I'm concerned about your teaching situation. Having an affair with a parent in your school is a breach of ethics. Do you have a union representative or a close teaching friend who can help you? Can you be transferred to another school?

You'll have to work on building good boundaries for the future. Have you read Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass? She has an excellent chapter on appropriate boundaries. Another great book is, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, by Linda McDonald. In my opinion, these are the two best books on the subject.

I know that this is so hard. Try to stay healthy: drink water, exercise, and rest will all be important.

HoldingTogether posted 8/3/2019 10:14 AM

How did I do this?

Working on figuring that out is an excellent place to start your healing.
I'm not the person I was.

Gently... yes, you are. That was you that did those things. Donít disassociate it, own it. Thatís the only way to every truly fix it.
I don't know who this person is.

You need to get to work on figuring that out. And, if you manage to figure it out, Iíd encourage you to let your BH in on the information. Because I can tell you from experience that he is wondering the same thing right now. Helping him to understand would go along way toward healing you both.

HT

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 10:16 AM

I'm concerned about your teaching situation. Having an affair with a parent in your school is a breach of ethics. Do you have a union representative or a close teaching friend who can help you? Can you be transferred to another school?

You'll have to work on building good boundaries for the future. Have you read Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass? She has an excellent chapter on appropriate boundaries. Another great book is, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, by Lind

I have a meeting on Monday with my principal and his boss to see if I have a job still or if I can get out of my contract. I have both of those books coming in the mail.

JBWD posted 8/3/2019 10:23 AM

LD-
That crisis of identity you just described is what almost killed me. These are questions you have to be patient with yourself about. If your BH is like my BW, this might be a dealbreaker- I still fill my days with hope this might swing back but in some regards thatís foolish.

Whatever 1 year, 2 years, 10 years looks like in your life, yes it will be different. But the important thing to think through is: Do you want this to end your life? Because it canít. It will for a time, but I think the way to understand it is that you measure time in short enough increments. So you canít really think about the outcome, unless that outcome is what youíre gonna have for lunch.

Itís not where youíre going to have to STAY, but adjusting that timeline will become possible as you heal/recover. I know weíre here telling you what to do so it might sound weird, but donít worry about doing what youíre supposed to. Youíre starting in the right direction- If your BH only ever wants to talk about parenting, you honoring that is honoring the choice youíd previously removed by injuring your M. Restoring that and subsequent choices is all you can do.

Weíre standing on the edge of great unknowns, donít feel bad for the terror you feel. Itís going to feel like this for a while. But when you act not out of fear but from the true self that lies within, your genuine response(s) may surprise you. Strength and conviction.

[This message edited by JBWD at 10:28 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

pinkpggy posted 8/3/2019 10:32 AM

All these suggestions are good but you have to keep in mind this is a process. It is a 2-5 year recovery period. The first 6 months are the worst I would say. It's literally a day by day thing. You can read all the books, say all the right things, but time is really going to help. Right now your husband is probably still in shock (so are you).

I see you have denounced the AP but I find it hard to believe that it's that easy. I don't think you've been true to yourself about what role this guy played in your life. Or fully accepted your participation. You invested a lot of time and energy into him and you don't turn that off in 3 weeks. It's ok to also be honest with yourself and mourn that loss. It's tricky for you to be honest here since your BH is reading/posting too.

M1965 posted 8/3/2019 10:38 AM

LD,

This will be no consolation, but you did everything that you possibly could in the circumstances. For some people, infidelity is a deal-breaker, and something that they just cannot handle.

Only time will tell if that is the case with your husband, but right now the only thing you should be doing is going to bed, keeping yourself hydrated, and making sure that you eat something on a regular basis, even if it is only a little.

Right now, I am sure it feels like the end of the world. Please be assured that it is not.

Many, many people have walked down the same road, and their stories prove that whatever the future brings, you, your husband, and your daughter are going to be alright.

If a permanent change is coming into your lives, all three of you will handle it better than you believe is possible right now. Pain and anger subside; new ways of living get established.

Families do break up, but that does not mean that individuals cannot just survive, but thrive.

What if the affair had never happened, but your husband passed away unexpectedly? Car crash, or whatever. Would you and your daughter have no lives left? Of course not. You would make it work. That is what people do. That is what you will do now.

And the way you will do it is one day at a time.

You are intelligent, you love your daughter, you know about life, and because of that, you will prevail. And so will she.

I know it will not feel like that right now, but I know that you will get through this and do everything you can to make the future as good as it can be. If you think about it, that is all that any of us do.

If this does turn out to be the end of your marriage, it is a change of life, not the end of it. I hope you can absorb that.

Life goes on, LD. The future holds many good things for you, your daughter, and your husband.

One day you may be standing at a graduation ceremony, watching your daughter toss her mortar-board in the air, feeling as proud as proud can be. And your daughter is going to love you in the way that we all love our mothers.

Will she accept that you were not perfect? I am sure she will, because she will be aware of her own imperfections and decisions that did not work out the way she planned.

Will she love you? Of course she will. Will you have good and unforgettable times with her? Of course you will.

Life may change, but you, your daughter, and your husband are going to be alright, LD.

[This message edited by M1965 at 10:41 AM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 11:06 AM

you have denounced the AP but I find it hard to believe that it's that easy. I don't think you've been true to yourself about what role this guy played in your life.

I have denounced him because it's the truth. I don't want him. I don't miss him. I don't love him. I don't ever want to see or speak to him again. He is a nightmare in my mind. What I allowed myself to do with him is a nightmare. I will never speak to him again. If I stay at this school and I see him, I will immediately turn the other way. I won't give him the chance to speak to me. I want to be with my husband. I don't care for the om. I know no one believes that not even my husband, but it is the truth. I know my truth means nothing.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 11:07 AM

M1965

I don't know how any of that can be or how to do it

HellFire posted 8/3/2019 11:20 AM

Many BS respond the way your BH is, after reading the timeline. It is a moment of extreme pain, shock, and trauma. Some BS will go forward and attempt reconciliation, some will divorce. He doesnt know what he wants right now. He is drowning in pain.

If you want him,fight for him. FIGHT FOR HIM. Show him love. Give him space if he wants it. Do what he needs you to do. Some things might feel like a huge sacrifice. If you begin to feel resentful, remember that he is also making huge sacrifices. A BH feels at war with themselves when they try to R. Their pride is hurt. Their pain is immeasurable. They feel emasculated. Never forget what he is sacrificing.

And,if he decides it is a dealbreaker, then you divorce him because you love him.

But all hope is not lost. Fight for your man.

LifeDestroyer posted 8/3/2019 11:26 AM

Hellfire

I am going to fight for him. I'm just afraid that I will push him even further away. I told him I can't not fight for our marriage, and I meant it. I will try to prove to him as much as I can with him not wanting to see or hear from me.

beenthereinco posted 8/3/2019 11:58 AM

I'm sorry for what you have done to your life. It is heart-breaking. I want to say that you need to take a longer view here. I think some of your panic right now is just that, panic. Your BH is going to be all over the place right now. Think of the stages of grief. He may be in anger right now. It will pass and likely come again. What you need to do is be consistent and stay in a place of humility and love. Respect what he wants now, which from what you said seems like some space, and let him know you are there when he wants to talk.

Please, please, please stay away from anything that appears shady, under-handed or out of place. Stay completely accountable to him as to your location and who you are with at all times. Maybe he doesn't care but I bet he does. Make sure your behavior at all times right now is above reproach even if he continues to say you are through. Don't start living like it is true.

I hope for your sake that your timeline was correct and accurate. That you didn't leave anything out he will find out about. Have you looked into getting something like Fonelab and restoring the deleted messages that you had with the AP? I think getting whatever you can there and offering that might help prove you are now being truthful.

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