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Betrayed Womenz Thread

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Somber posted 11/4/2019 07:53 AM

Duplicate post sorry

[This message edited by Somber at 7:56 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

sickofsurviving posted 11/4/2019 08:03 AM

Here Somber. You start here. Then small steps from there.

You have a ton of support. My girls have all read a book they swear by. I've sent a message to them. As soon as I get the exact title, I'll post it. They swear by it. Carry it around highlighted and sticky noted.

I am a huge fan of self help. My girls too.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/4/2019 08:26 AM

I donít think I am codependent.

Every time I get therapy, I ask. They say no.

I am terribly self critical though. I try to identify a fault in me that contributes to a problem before seeing something as solely someone elseís doing.

WHís temper? I used to cower and repeatedly say ďIím sorryĒ until his tantrums stopped. I accepted it as something I was doing that caused him to rage. Until DDay#3. Then something snapped inside and it finally dawned on me that it has nothing todo with me. Like his drive to have women pay attention to him. Itís not that I am not enough, itís that HE isnít enough.

sickofsurviving posted 11/4/2019 09:04 AM

My x husband beat me. I was hospitalized several times. He almost killed me the last time.

It took a long time, and a lot of shit, before that mother effer could make me cower. I tried to leave a bunch of times. Once, he took me, from outside my job. Beat me, raped me, and left me tied up in the woods for days.

There is so much more. Until finally a judge saw and put him in county jail on a $10k cash bond til court.

I am not CoD. Not even he could beat that into me. Maybe the beatings wouldn't have been so bad. I just could NOT submit or apologize. Not for crap I didn't do, or believe. I didnt fight back at the end. I stayed silent. Best I could do.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/4/2019 09:21 AM

Oh SOS!


How awful! What a nightmare!

TX1995 posted 11/4/2019 09:34 AM

Hola Womenz!

On cleaning - I actually really like cleaning. Not because I'm a neat freak, but I love the way a clean house LOOKS. My favorite is a bathroom because you walk out, look back and it's all shiny and pretty. But I have two kids, a cat, hair that falls out like a mofo, and dark wood floors and furniture. I was not a good housekeeper when the kids were little bc I focused on them. My WH likes to say it didn't matter, but he grew up in a museum and I know that it did bother him. (Even though he's never cleaned a toilet or scrubbed a shower in his life!)He can suck it. I do it for me, not ever him. He is extremely appreciative when I do clean now though.

((Somber)) - It's always a hard thing to take a step back and see what's happening when we are in a situation. And even harder to make changes. We are here for you. SOS is right, little steps.

On CoD. I think EVERYONE has some CoD characteristics. But some have more than others. I also think that the CoD model was used for betrayed partners for so long (partners of sex addicts really but also works with infidelity) that our therapists tend to lean that way. My IC gave me the HW to read CoDependent No More on my first visit. And I am NOT CoD.

On the sex tapes, HHADL, he actually probably would have sold it, so good move not making it!


Ellie - I'm sorry your fishbowl experience was shitty. But man, I am glad that you are such a bad ass who is pushing through all of that pain and making a new life for yourself.

Coco - Lucky you that yours are perky enough to not need that duct tape! I am with you on the dress up thing. I actually love dressing up and the way I look, I just find it incredibly uncomfortable. Plus I feel fake. Give me jeans, a t-shirt and a pair of converse and I am a happy girl.

On WW cheaters on the boards - I don't know. Some of the Waywards frustrate me because the selfishness that allowed their affairs still shine through in posts. Not all though. I find some of their posts extremely insightful and a little window to the brain of a cheater - since I will never understand it. Especially the women. I also appreciate the ones that are far enough out that you can really see the growth. But those are extremely low in number - and none of them are prolific posters and ones that would be the subject of this conversation. The thing that bugs me the most is when BSes go into the Wayward forum and post such adoration for a WW who they see as "getting it". I mean, we don't need to give ANYONE an ego boost. You can say you appreciate their perspective without giving them kibbles. Bottom line is that they are still a person who fucked someone else spouse. It's great that they are working on themselves, but I'd be pissed if someone fell all over my WH saying that shit. Am I glad he's trying to be a better man? Yes. But a "model" wayward is an oxymoron. For all the things my WH does and ways he's changed, he will ALWAYS be the person who put his dick in someone else while he was married. Your spouse should be the last first fuck you had. End of sentence.

(As an aside, I don't every compare them to my WH's cOWhore bc she would never be on a message board talking about her growth - she likes public forums. Which is why she posts on social media (and common friend's social media) about how much she values her growth and authenticity and finding her true self. She needs public adoration. Even private adoration would not work for her.)

As for me, we did the fishbowl on Friday. I had been gathering questions for quite a while, and there was some questions I asked multiple times - really could see which ones were always on my mind! I made us dinner, we ate, then sat down with a glass of wine. I kind of disconnected as much as I could emotionally, and he went through and answered each one with brutal honesty. And I mean brutal. He cried a lot. I teared up and said a few hurtful things. Then we played Scrabble.

I am glad we did it. I didn't ask for sexual specifics bc I know I will never get that out of my head. I have a general playbook, but I really wanted to know what he was thinking, doing, saying, how everything led up to each event, etc. I got all of that, so I can finally stop making up those stories. It was an exercise that taught us both a few things. One, he never loved me the way I thought he did. In fact, I think he never knew what love was. It was limerence when he met me, and then object love. Never unselfish. And because I was his only sexual partner, some part of him always wanted to have more experiences. He just wasn't ever aggressive or confident with women. This woman sat on his lap, walked into his room to masturbate, showed up at his hotel room. He felt like a real stud because this person thought he was amazing. And since I was only good for kids, house, social wife and sex, having sex with her was something he deserved and he wasn't thinking about me. The only reason we are here today, is because he lied to me on DDay 1. And he lied to cover his ass, save his reputation, not because he loved me. He just knew he fucked up. I do think after that DDay, we fell into another limerant phase. We were like teenagers. And it still wasn't love. I do think that after the work on himself, and when he decided to come clean, he really did start to love me. Just then. Not before even in the limerant stage post DDay 1. I think I became more important than him. I was more important than his reputation or even the kids. And most of all his values and following what he wants to be moving forward was more important than keeping up the facade. He knew that by telling me the truth that he was owning up to his choice to ruin a really good life. Owning up to the fact that while he had good, he was also capable of being a monster. That was hard to swallow. (Even he will admit that we had a really good life pre-A - our relationship was never anything but pleasant, we loved to play games, watch sports and have fun with friends together, we never fought about money or child-rearing, etc, we had a long history with common friends going back to elementary school. His only complaint was that he thought I didn't "want" him sexually. His inexperience in that arena made his self-esteem low and that's why he loved that sexual attention from someone else. He was going bald, getting a belly and a plain looking blond who wore tight dresses and liked to party opened her legs. He was weak and pathetic and fucked me over on the way to looking for his self-worth.)

Sigh. It was a roller coaster of a weekend. We actually had sex and cOWhore wasn't in my head. He even cried instead of me. Then the next day, we tried again and she was there so I stopped it. We spent time doing fun things like brunch, massages, playing cards with friends, church, and ended with a concert last night (it was a Christian concert so it was pretty phenomenal worshipping with 13,000 people). We cried A LOT this weekend. A LOT. And laughed a lot too. I'm not sure I'm closer to being out of limbo. But it was good to realize and acknowledge that the love story I was grieving never really existed. I just have to decide if I want to be present in the one he wants to start today. But I'm not pushing myself to do that. We'll just see how it goes. He knows and understands that.

Also, I really think the biofeedback is helping. My anger and reactions are SO much tamer these days. I'm in my PMS week RIGHT NOW and I'm not wanting to crawl into a hole or yell at WH. We just switched to my mid-brain last week, so I'm crossing my fingers that it will help the ruminating as much as it has the emotional outbursts.

I hope you are having a GFD Womenz!

TX1995 posted 11/4/2019 09:37 AM

SOS - You posted while I was posting. (((SOS))) you are so fucking strong. It's amazing. Truly. Your warrior could not be broken by your POS CH. HUGE hugs to such a brave, resilient woman.

sickofsurviving posted 11/4/2019 09:38 AM

It was.

The year I finally got away is the year I found out my 1st x husband was molesting my girls.

All I did that year was go back and forth between court houses and therapy. It was insane.

So when I tell the story with cheater, I'm truthful in saying, he is literally the only person in my life I ever trusted. He was the only one that knew my truth. How bad it really was.

That's why this is so devastating to me. For a while I believed I wasn't alone anymore. That I wasn't just surviving anymore.

Whatever. It is what it is. I'll figure it out. Alone. I always do. Only this time, a little more closed iff.

20yrsagoBS posted 11/4/2019 09:42 AM

SOS,

I hope you donít feel like WE wonít help.

Iím merely a PM away.

sickofsurviving posted 11/4/2019 09:50 AM

Y'all are awesome!

I stopped posting here for a really long time. I really felt ganged up on. The blanket coverage was always go to a shelter. The only people that give that advice have never had to go to a shelter. Sigh...

So y'all have been a life saver. I just kind of feel beat up by life sometime.

Ok...Tx that fishbowl sounds really productive. My cheater would never be honest. Its amazing how much that helps, even tho it hurts. All in all it sounds like you had a good weekend!

Lostheart8 posted 11/4/2019 10:13 AM

SOS. - I send you a ton of love.

This thread has become my soft place to land.

Reading your posts I find relief in this roller coaster ride.

I had an overwhelming weekend. Iím emotionally all over the place.

First I had to deal with EXBF and MOW being together at a convention with each other. I thought it would be easier to handle since heís not my problem. But Iím jealous. Then I get mad at myself for being jealous. Then I get sad.

MOW has changed her IG to private so her posts are no longer visible (I did block her but I was stalking her posts). Someone posted a pic of her at a group dinner. I see her and Iím jealous, mad, petty (I think sheís the most boring looking woman) and then thinking of them together, no concern about the hurt they have caused. Then jealous of her BH having no clue.

Yes, I do plan to contact her BH. Though I wonít lie. I donít want to do it and think heís better off being clueless. Thereís a gift to not knowing. Being blinded.

I had a date with a guy called frank on Saturday night. Now I met frank at a concert my then WBF took me too. We had just got back together and I wasnít sure we would make it beyond this date. WBF went off to bathroom. While I waited frank came over and asked for my number. What the hell! Sure. I was sure WBF and I wouldnít date long.

Anyhoo....WBF saw me give my number out. He was pissed.

In March frank contacted me and told him I was in a committed relationship (foolish me - the A would start in april).

Flash forward frank contacted me last week and asked me out. I knew this guy was younger than me and was a player. My bullshit meter was going off. But thereís a part of me than wants to spread my wings and explore dating.

Well, Frank is 36!! Iím 50! Yup, all he wanted was sex. No didnít sleep with him.

This is where I fucked myself. It felt empowering to have a 15 yr younger man after me. I thought the fucking MOW got the old man. I got the young one.

Had a nice chat with frank. After two hours he walked me to my car. Begging me to sleep with him. Nope not happening.

I get in my car and start my way home.

It hits me ..... this is SOOOOOOO empty. Empty flattery. Potential empty sex. Yeah frank and I had chemistry and great conversation, but thatís not that special.

Then it his me hard ....this is bullshit EXBF has been up to with MOW. Their selfishness just hit me like a ton of bricks. Itís so empty (yes, you WW think itís special or amazing but itís all a dime a dozen).

Hell, at least frank and I are single. I CANT WRAP MY BRAIN AROUND HOW YOU CAN DO THIS IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP DOUCHEBAGS.

I came home and cried. Though I wonít lie, a young hard dick would be a nice distraction from the old soft one I was dealing with.

On Sunday I had to chase after EXBF to get my collectibles back from him. EXBF asks mr how Iím doing. I tell him Iím ok but having to put my life back together. He replies - sending love and wishes for happiness. It feels empty and just another lie. Truth is he doesnít care one ounce for me.

Later I had a third date with peter.

We spent 9 hour together. He did a great job. We drove around and talked. Walked some trails. Stopped at cute coffee shops.

Heís very helpful. He wants to help me think through marketing my business. Heís been open about his failed marriage. I got to see his home. Very clean. Organized.

We have a nice exchange of communication going on that works for us. We are happy. Yet Iím not happy. Iím dealing with the aftermath of EXBF cheating.

Peter treats me like a queen. Iím realizing how uncommitted my exbf was. I see all the excuses to keep me removed from his life. How I wasnít a priority. That the relationship was on his terms. I can see why he cheated, he was selfish in the relationship. All about him.

Peter and I made out. I missed my EXBF kissing me. Iím realizing EXBF and I had a special physical meshing. How could he kiss MOW and not say Iíve got better at home?

It hurts to put these pieces together because what I had with my ex was empty. Not anything I thought it was. How do correlated 1.5 yrs of dating with 10 months of a solid committed relationship (6 of those months with MOW).

Add into this, off and on with Peter I find myself thinking heís lying. That can I trust this man? Iím having flash backs to my ex and having a feeling how do I trust?

I left my date with peter to come home and got drunk. I couldnít handle it all.

Lostheart8 posted 11/4/2019 10:18 AM

TX thanks for the amazing post. ❤️

20yrsagoBS posted 11/4/2019 10:34 AM

TX,

The next time you get drunk and sad, please feel free to reach out to me. There isnít much you could tell me that would shock me.

Can we Women discuss soft dicks for a minute?


[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 10:57 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

Chaos posted 11/4/2019 11:32 AM

Heck. Whynot. I mean we've discussed boob taping - why not soft dicks.

Although I'm laughing at the thought of dick tape - and the removal process

crazyblindsided posted 11/4/2019 11:55 AM

I'm laughing at the thought of dick tape - and the removal process

Me too that's priceless

Lostheart8 posted 11/4/2019 12:11 PM

You know I can deal with a soft dick when a guy cares for you. Doesnít cheat. Iíll gladly work with a man to make things work. So good guys, us nice ladies will love ya and work with ya.

Cheat and that soft dick becomes fodder for my anger.

Though I do wonder if ex had soft dick because he was screwing two women and couldnít keep up the pace. Then it sucks to put up with a soft dick. All the extra foreplay, rubbing, stroking....oh god itís too much work. Plus, once inside, itís like where is it? Oh thatís it?

Well that soft serve ainít my problem. Iím sure frank at 36 has no problems coming to attention. I just suck at causal sex. Otherwise I would have been all over that.

sickofsurviving posted 11/4/2019 12:18 PM

OMG!! Dick tape! I'm dying!

20yrsagoBS posted 11/4/2019 13:28 PM

Thatís it!

We can be the inventors of Dick tape!

Something to stiffen a softy so the recipient can feel it inside.

I had a buddy tell me those penis can still ejaculate, even when all soft and sad

Chaos posted 11/4/2019 14:08 PM

Yes!

I can't wait to come up with a slogan. Or do casting for the Infomercial...

Lostheart8 posted 11/4/2019 16:06 PM

Can we have extra sticky tape for cheaters? Maybe have cheaters printed on the tape?

Cheaters tape for when you just want to get laid but the douchebag canít keep it up. 100% satisfaction feel good revenge with painful hair removal at each application.

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