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Betrayed Womenz Thread

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cocoplus5nuts posted 11/12/2019 08:39 AM

Ellie, some people do not want R, will not give it a chance. That is ok. If you have an unremorseful cheater, R is not possible. And, yeah, I get what you're saying for you that there's nothing your X could've done to make things right. And, I think I get what your therapist was trying to get at with you. R was not possible for you. That doesn't mean R is never possible for anyone. Nothing is different from one thing, to me at least.

I'm very particular about word choice, especially on the internet. I sort of got into it on another thread about using "us" and "we" instead of "I". Oh, well. People take things personally when I don't mean them to be. 🤷‍♀️

LH, why not get some that young hard serve? One and done!

Lostheart8 posted 11/12/2019 17:15 PM

Lol. Hard serve has asked me out this weekend. No go. Booked all weekend.

He lives too far away plus he has no car! No way Iím traveling for sex. No man worth that.

Oh the joy of infidelity, I have no desire to chase a man.

Now, if he was close.....

EllieKMAS posted 11/12/2019 18:36 PM

Thatta girl LH - you make them chase YOU!!

DevastatedDee posted 11/12/2019 19:15 PM

Ellie, I wouldn't have been a good candidate for R even if my XWH hadn't been an addict. I figured that out about myself early on. I just didn't want to R. I had loved this man so much it hurt and discovering his infidelities broke something profound in me. I hated myself every day that I was still there. I could not square being there up with who I am. It takes a level of strength to successfully R that I don't have. I have too much pride and not enough capacity for forgiveness. My own issues would have kept me from R.

EllieKMAS posted 11/12/2019 19:22 PM

Dee with the benefit of hindsight, I really think that's me too. Even IF he had been a textbook remorseful wayward, I feel like I would have been letting a fundamental part of myself die if I stuck around. The fact that he was anything but is a blessing disguised as the biggest shit pile ever.

Much as it galls me to say it and I wish WISH I had said it first, I am glad he dropped the D word in the shitty way he did. Made it a lot easier for me to say fuck this shit. After all the dust settles, I am very glad to be done with the toxic wreck my M had become.

All of that said, I really don't like it when the universe tries to build my character. I am character enough already!!

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/12/2019 19:32 PM

I am very glad to be done with the toxic wreck my M had become.


Good for you!


All of that said, I really don't like it when the universe tries to build my character. I am character enough already!!


I hear ya! Enough with the lessons and character building. It's time for me to retire!

LH, yeah, don't bother going out of your way for a man(?) who doesn't even have a car. No scrubs!

EllieKMAS posted 11/12/2019 19:42 PM

Ugh thanks Coco - now I have that song in my head

20yrsagoBS posted 11/12/2019 20:31 PM

Today was my first round of EMDR. Not sure I feel any different yet.

For those of you who did EMDR, when did it kick in?

gmc94 posted 11/12/2019 20:49 PM

Chaos - loved that comparison. Spot - fucking - on.

20yrs - I've done EMDR. I think it was more gradual. Feeling/process... feeling/process. There are soooo many feelings after dday so it was a lot of processing. MY IC also gave me a link to a youtube video to use (bilateral emdr for racing thoughts) that I really liked. I would often watch it in the middle of the night when the insomnia was insufferable (funny, the insomnia that has plagued me my entire adult life is pretty well GONE since WH and I separated.... wonder if that happens to other as well? Maybe it's just regular exercise, but I'm becoming one of those old ladies that is dozing off at 8:30).

Ellie - I'm glad you see the blessings in the unremorseful WH. Being in limbo is my own doing, but it is not a happy place to be.

I dunno if it's good news, but my WH told me the other day that he's ready to see a new IC. I gave him the name of the only male CSAT in town that takes our insurance, and tonight he said he was going to try and get an appt. We will see what happens, but I'm glad that he may (finally) get some help from someone that does nothing but infidelity. I've also felt from the get go that he should see a man, and he was never able to articulate why he wanted to see a woman. I dunno. Maybe I was just out of hopium and he's now provided me with a new fix....

BigBlueEyes posted 11/12/2019 21:51 PM

Iím just gonna chime in with my 01.p worth,

Nope I couldnít do R, I tried but I just couldnít do it.
for me it wasnít only the cheating or the sex site that destroyed our M, it was everything added together, the lies, the manipulation, the bullying, the TT, the gaslighting, the control, after him finally for just a small space of time stop all of the above I actually realised how badly I had been abused, I couldnít see it till it had stopped, THAT was ironically when I said enough.

Well womenz, This week Iím now back at work, back to bloody normal finally.
Have missed a whole hell of a lot on here so I apologise for my absence,
Iím not gonna try & catch up lol...impossible!!!

Happy fucking Wednesday 😘
Itís good to be alive & kicking x


HeHadADoubleLife posted 11/13/2019 05:27 AM

It has been a crazy work week for me, but Iíve been keeping up before I go to bed. Been storing away my thoughts for a time when I can actually respond.

But damn, soft serve had me rolling

BBE so good to see you!!

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/13/2019 07:20 AM

BBE, hey, girl! Glad you're back to normal!

Ellie. I ain't no holla back girl?

EMDR, I did it several times. The first few were just sitting with eyes closed and headphones on listening to the pinging from side to side. There was no one guiding me on what to think about. Then, I did a few times with the sound and someone telling me to think about the trauma and stopping to ask me where I was a few times. I think I tried a visual one, too, where I watched a dot move across a computer screen, like that old game Pong. None of those seemed to do much.

My therapist eventually suggested holding pads that vibrate from one hand to the other. She guided me in
the beginning, stopped a few times to ask where I was, and guided me at the end to picture myself completely free. That one time did the trick! My ptsd from my fch's infidelity was gone! Apparently, I'm a very tactile person.

It can take some time and trial and error to find the best modality for you. It can also take time to relax into it.

I didn't really do R. I didn't do anything for my M or my fch. I did things for myself after dday. I stayed with my fch because I didn't want to turn my and my kids' lives upside, and because that flicker owed me! He was going to pay by continuing to support while I didn't do shit.

I also had a 5 year plan of getting set up to D. That included getting my yoga teacher certification. I did that, and am now starting to get paid to teach. It will be 5 years from final dday on December 5th. Funny how that worked out. The only thing left to do would be to get my youngest into school. I don't think that's going to happen any time soon. He won't poop. 😕

Meanwhile, my fch worked on R. We're good now. I'm relatively content. I can take my time easing back into work and finding out if I can make enough as a yoga teacher to support myself.

So, here I am. I'm better than ok. I survived.

I don't know how I come across on here, but I am not pro R. I think I'm the opposite. I think, most times, BPs should cut and run. Sometimes circumstances prevent that, at least initially. I think the worst reason to R is for love. You need logical, practical reasons to R. Love was, obviously, not enough before. But, then, I don't think anyone should marry solely for love, either, so...

DevastatedDee posted 11/13/2019 08:15 AM

Dee with the benefit of hindsight, I really think that's me too. Even IF he had been a textbook remorseful wayward, I feel like I would have been letting a fundamental part of myself die if I stuck around. The fact that he was anything but is a blessing disguised as the biggest shit pile ever.
Much as it galls me to say it and I wish WISH I had said it first, I am glad he dropped the D word in the shitty way he did. Made it a lot easier for me to say fuck this shit. After all the dust settles, I am very glad to be done with the toxic wreck my M had become.

All of that said, I really don't like it when the universe tries to build my character. I am character enough already!!

Yep, totally relate. I danced around the house when my XWH relapsed on drugs. That is awful. I didn't actually wish that on him or his family. But it was like "Yes, there it is. You can't even think of staying now. Thank goodness." I said the D word first and left him and that's all well and good, but he still left me first with cheating and drugs.

And oh seriously!! I think I would rather keep my flaws than be tested and have my character built like that! We don't have to be perfect, right?? I feel like I at least need a decade or three to recover before I get another curveball, lol.

EllieKMAS posted 11/13/2019 09:00 AM

BBE!!!!! OMG so glad you are doing well! We missed you!

Coco.... dammit.

Dee I said you were my Yoda a long time ago and you still are Thank you for being you!

DevastatedDee posted 11/13/2019 09:21 AM

Dee I said you were my Yoda a long time ago and you still are Thank you for being you!

I appreciate you seeing my hot mess self as Yoda.

TX1995 posted 11/13/2019 10:23 AM

BBE - Great to see you!

Coco - So awesome on the paid yoga job front, hope it keeps turning into a gig that you enjoy and are rewarded for.

R - hmmm...I'm not sure what I think. At the beginning, after Day 1, I wished that WH had slept with the cOWhore so that I could just leave. Then after 2 years and finding out the truth (be careful what you wish for!), I was WAYYYY more emotionally invested in the relationship and that is why I'm stuck. Unfortunately I both don't think R is possible and can't envision a life without my WH in it. It's a super big mind fuck.

EMDR - I tried many versions, but nothing has worked. Both my MC and IC did it with me. Perhaps a different therapist could have a different result. Hope it works for you 20yrs. Coco, your story makes me wonder if I SHOULD try again with someone else. My PTSD symptoms are still so strong that I triggered in the store yesterday and my hands were shaking so badly and I was tearing up in the checkout line. That hasn't happened in a while and it took a long time to calm down.

Infidelity taints everything. For example, I just went to my favorite city in the world, saw three different broadway shows, ate yummy ethnic food. And yet I can't say there was one minute of it that I felt truly joyful to be there. In every conversation and during every show, I kept thinking "my husband had sex with someone else". My rumination is constant and the triggers are everywhere. Any talk or reference to sex, trigger. Any reference to being attracted to someone, first kiss, falling in love, trigger. New couples, weddings, triggered. EVERY person I talk to, I think, your spouse might be cheating on you, or aren't you lucky your spouse hasn't cheated on you. It's always there. Even my daughter, who is 11, was telling me about the new genre of "romance" books she's reading from the library. I told her to remember that those love stories aren't real and they don't portray relationships in a real way. I want to dump buckets of water on the "ideal" love. Because it's all bullshit.

Sorry if I'm bitter today. I'm pissed at the OW these past couple of days. I'm pissed at WH for not telling me the truth so that I could tell her off. I want to tell her what a piece of shit she was. I want to tell her husband what a whore he married who would fuck someone else's husband in a parking garage before he picked his child up at church - while her children were with a NANNY - and then go grab a morning-after pill on the way home to her family. I want her to hurt. I know WH is hurting, because I see it. But I want her to hurt too. I know I'm giving her too much head space but I'm stuck ruminating.

I don't want this to be my life anymore. I want my marriage back without my husband betraying me. I want to be present for my kids instead of holding back tears or having a small issue with them send me over the edge of anxiety. And dammit, I want my hair to stop falling out and to feel good for a whole fucking day. Just one fucking day where I am not reminded that my husband stuck his dick in a whore.

Ugh. Happy Fucking Wednesday ladies.

DevastatedDee posted 11/13/2019 10:54 AM

TX1995, It took me a loooong long time to enjoy anything without that black cloud over my head. I don't think this is your path, but mine being D, I got there by being away from him for a while. I'm sure it's different with R on what enables you to do that. The first day where I could just enjoy whatever I was doing was so amazing and nothing particularly amazing even happened. It was just the realization that I was living and I was the only one present in my head. That was early this year. Most of my days are completely devoid of feeling tainted by that.

likeapinball posted 11/13/2019 15:32 PM

Hello Ladies! Wow,I've only just stumbled into this forum today! Totally my loss! To be fair, I'm not on here a ton (shift work, 3 kids, 2 dogs, blah blah blah)!
I only read the last 4 pages and I've managed to spit my tea out laughing and then swing to "OMG, that pisses me off too"!
I hate that this shit show has now tainted my views on, well just about everything. A lovely young lady I work with just got married a couple of weeks ago, when I looked at her photos all I could think was "I wonder how long it'll be for you?" UGH.
We are currently in R. But some days I wonder why I wanted this to be the outcome so badly. Just over 4 years out, I don't have too many bad days anymore, maybe because part of me just doesn't care? 3 kids still at home (18, 16 and 13) is likely a HUGE reason! Other days I'm glad we're where we're at. So basically, I guess I still don't know. It is a serious mind fuck to say the least!
My middle one was talking about how her teacher plays the radio during art class and a commercial for a waxing place came on talking about being "bare down there". She thought it was kind of silly - I immediately thought of "dick tape" and started laughing - but did not share that little tidbit with her! Thanks for that one!

TX1995 posted 11/13/2019 15:44 PM

Thanks Dee. It's good to know it's possible. I'm so glad you have gotten to experience those days. I often wonder if leaving would make it easier...

likeapinball - Welcome! Glad you found us. :) And even more glad you got to laugh. I have those thoughts too when I meet newlyweds. I think I know too many people that have been touched by infidelity - it seems normal. I kind of don't want my kids to get married - how awful is that?!

cocoplus5nuts posted 11/13/2019 16:03 PM

Welcome, likeapinball. We're going to have to shorten that name.

TX, the first time I met with a therapist after dday, when I only knew about the EA, I actually said that I wished it had been just sex. That would've been easier than him telling another woman that he loved her and she had brought happiness back into his life.

Then, I found out they did have sex. I was devastated. It was worse. Maybe it was worse because it was sex and feelings. Idk. I don't have just sex to compare it to. No matter how you slice it, it's all just so fucking horrible!

What types of EMDR have you tried? There's auditory, visual, tactile. There's even one where you lay down and put your feet in a contraption that kind of wiggles your leg. I think it doesn't work for everyone, though.

There was something I saw just the other day. Ugh! I can't remember what it was. It was something to do instead of talk therapy because talk therapy doesn't always help. Maybe it will come to me.

I got my business and personal liability insurance today. Shit is getting real! I'll be lucky if I make $1000 this year. LOL

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