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Trial Separation

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Justsomelady posted 11/3/2019 10:03 AM

Well, when you isolate yourself that can lead you to feeling desperate and that can lead to unhealthy actions and waywardness to escape it. I think you need support. I understand the shame and self punishment but you need to set yourself up for success. Doing things like youíve always done them isnít gonna cut it.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/3/2019 15:05 PM

I do need support, but the one person that I would go to for that is the one person I can't go to. I have been dependent on him for 17 years. I have never lived alone or without him. Even on his deployments, while I was physically alone, I still had him.

He just took our daughter to a hockey game. He had two extra tickets, and I was really hoping he would invite me. I'm supposed to be packing, but all I really want to do is watch How To Get Away With Murder and cry. I haven't been able to really cry because our daughter is always here. I need to seriously cry and scream. I've been holding all of this shit in.

Justsomelady posted 11/3/2019 16:05 PM

Yeah sometimes a good cry is what is needed. A tearjerker helps me get there when I am too all over the place to get there myself.

Justsomelady posted 11/3/2019 19:25 PM


I do need support, but the one person that I would go to for that is the one person I can't go to. I have been dependent on him for 17 years. I have never lived alone or without him. Even on his deployments, while I was physically alone, I still had him.

Issue with this is it isnít sustainable for each spouse to only have the other as their support system. They can be the main one but they cannot be the only one. It is too much on one personís shoulders and leads to resentment if too much piles on. You need friends, he needs friends, you need to open up to at least one or two close girlfriends. I think Ester Perel is full of a lot of shit but one thing she is right about is we expect way too much from our marriages in the sense that our partner is our total confidant and everything to us. They are the most important and of course our only sexual/romantic outlet but they cannot be all things to us at all times in life.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/3/2019 19:39 PM

I did lean on close friends during our marriage on issues that pertained to us or on anything, but this is different. Those issues my friends were able to relate and understand. My one friend that I would really lean on has never had an affair. She doesn't know what this is all like. She is an amazing person and is the type who will constantly reassure me with positivity and give me compliments instead of telling me that I secretly fucked up. When I first told her about this, she kept saying "LD you are not a bad person. You made a mistake." I had to correct her and tell her it wasn't a mistake, it was a choice, but she kept on saying that I made a mistake.

The other friend I told had a one night stand with her husband's best friend over 10 years ago. He found out, she refused to leave the house, they had a kid, and have stayed together. They also jumped into the swinging lifestyle after that happened. She said he'll still being it up every once in awhile, but it's not something they really dwell on. When I first left to stay at my dad's, she was actually really shocked that I left my kid. I didn't really talk her about it again after that.

My only other friend, honestly I'm too ashamed to tell her. I'm afraid she will never want to speak to me again or have our kids hang out. She is the perfect mom. I'm scared.

I don't have any other friends. I have always been closed off to friends. We had to really connect. While it may not be healthy, he was my support system. We moved away from family at 20 and just had each other.

Justsomelady posted 11/3/2019 19:51 PM

You donít have to talk about this in detail or even at all with the third friend, but you do need to have some friends to hang out wth and plans to look forward to. They can be supports just shooting the breeze and catching up. With the first friend you listed, you know you can tell her about this topic and you can keep correcting her. You know going in what her limitations are. With number 2 it doesnít sound like she was much help. And with 3rd one, donít tell her if you arenít there yet in your friendship. Just make plans for lunch or something w her. You could even say there is a separation but it is too painful to get into details.

When I say support it doesnít have to be a heart to heart - my husband doesnít have those with his friends, but I kind of forced him to get out and make some casual friends so he had more than just me and one best friend. It is too much on one person.

Maybe you could seek out a minister or just start keeping eyes open for new friendships. Itís ok if you donít go into detail with your friends, but make sure you retain the option to open up to one of them (maybe the 1st) just donít isolate yourself.

ETA - I donít mean it as a criticism about it not being healthy - I think it is beautiful to connect closely with your spouse. I definitely do with mine and treasure it and my heart goes out to you that isnít an option any more (for now). I just think you need some help from friends is all. Whatever that help may be, meeting up with one for a movie and talking about nothing heavy. Having a heart to heart with number 1 and helping her also understand a little of what you need from her.

[This message edited by Justsomelady at 8:00 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

Lifeitself posted 11/4/2019 02:36 AM

was your H in the navy before as you mentioned you had to deploy a few times? Also you never mentioned (or I missed) thats if you had siblings. Do you have a brother or sister that you can seek emotional support?

[This message edited by Lifeitself at 2:37 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 11/4/2019 06:50 AM

Yes, he was in the Navy.

I have an older brother, but we are not close. I would never go to him for any type of support. He doesn't even know what's going on. We haven't spoken in months.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/4/2019 18:32 PM

I finally spoke to my friend tonight. I caught her up on what has happened and is happening. She is going to come over Sunday and help me unpack and cry. She kept saying that something I need to work on in IC is what made me do this and why. She kept saying there has to be something deep that made me have the a. She also said to give this new therapist another try and then ask for a referral if I still don't like her. Again, she told me that I am not a bad person and am one of the strongest women she knows. I told her I don't know about being strong, I'm just really good at bottling things up to appear strong. Hopefully nothing comes up Sunday and she can come over.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/4/2019 22:04 PM

For the parent's who have separated or divorced, I need some advice.

He has said numerous times that this separation will more than likely lead to divorce. What if he is correct? I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to function. What will this do to our daughter? I don't know if she is like me or it's just her innocent naive attitude, but she will act like everything is fine until something upsets her. She will then let it out in some way. That's when you can tell just how upset she is by this. As a mom, how do I live with that?

When I look at her, all I see is everything that I am taking away from her. Every day she has been asking me "mommy is today your last day with me? How many more days until you leave?" It's a knife through my heart each time she asks. How did you handle this if you experienced it? What did you tell your kid(s)? How did you function?

Westway posted 11/5/2019 08:36 AM

LD if it is any consolation I knew a couple who lived down the street who I always knew as Mr. and Mrs. Andrews. Nice couple. I did not find out until just a few years ago that they had actually been divorced for decades after Mrs. Andrews caught Mr. Andrews cheating on her. The story I got from my mom was that they separated for a couple years, got the divorce, but eventually she allowed him to move back in. They lived as a married couple for the next few decades until they both died, but they never remarried.

Maybe after the dust clears, whatever happens, perhaps he might be willing to live with you again one day.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/5/2019 08:45 AM

That would be wonderful if we did get back together again after divorce, but he has also said multiple times that if we divorce it will be final. There will be no getting back together. The best I can hope for is that he doesn't completely shut me out of his life.

Kiba posted 11/5/2019 10:50 AM

The best I can hope for is that he doesn't completely shut me out of his life.


The best you can hope for is full reconciliation. Don't give up now while you are still married. Don't give up once you sign the papers.

Yes it will be hard and may be near impossible. But there is still hope.

[This message edited by Kiba at 10:51 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 11/5/2019 11:01 AM

Yes I was referring to if we divorce. I know we will be good co-parents because we want the best for our daughter.

I know my posts sometimes sound like I am giving up, but I'm not. I refuse to give up on us. I definitely feel defeated most days, but I'm not stopping. It may be a futile fight, but I will still try.

Kiba posted 11/5/2019 11:13 AM

I didn't want to say do not give up once the divorce is final, because at some point after the fact you should (as in N finding and marrying another woman). But you should start fighting for him now, because you gave up on him back in February. Back in March when he tried to reach out to you, again in July before your first DDay.

My wayward father and my stepmom (one of his APs) have been married to each other FOUR times. Divorced three times. The final time has lasted for 15-18 years. So don't give up.

[This message edited by Kiba at 11:15 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 11/5/2019 18:41 PM

I got the keys today, but the apartment was awful. Luckily, they had another two bedroom available now. This one is facing the pond and golf course. It is a little more, but it is a lot better than the other. N was extremely helpful. He first went to the other apartment to carry up a heavy mattress box. Then he took her to get food and asked if I needed him again for this one. He came back and carried up the box for me and opened up her mattress. There was a little girls bike under the steps, so hopefully there is a kid our daughter can play with while she's with me.

QuietDan posted 11/5/2019 21:59 PM

The Courts Ordered No Contact.
Your husband is wise to pursue that, even if you do not like that because it may end up being the end of your marriage. If anything happens for any reason, and you two have one bad night that ends up with a neighbor calling the cops because you two start to yell at each other, guess what? It is entirely up to whatever prosecutor who is paranoid about bad press and pumping up his law and order convictions stats if he throws the book at your husband. The legal system is now involved, if you even remotely love your husband, you are now putting your husband at risk by not respecting the possible adverse consequences that could happen to your husband if he violates those court orders.
Don't know what the maximum penalty can be, but, don't imagine that it can't or won't happen to your husband if he is caught because you asked him...

LifeDestroyer posted 11/5/2019 22:00 PM

Quietdan,

You have the wrong thread.

JBWD posted 11/6/2019 00:38 AM

LD,
Great looking out for DD with that bicycle detail. Itís not necessarily prudent to ďdouble downĒ on parenting because itís what you have left, BUT relearning/refining to love her will help you continue to remember what you should be doing. On days where gratitude might be harder to find than others, I can always think back on my beautiful children.

You might not be able to tell BH you love him, but the good news is youíll always be able to tell DD.

One foot in front of the other.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/6/2019 07:06 AM

I probably looked really stupid to N last night. I asked him if we were going to hang out/spend time together these last three days. We have been doing that a couple of nights a week. We will watch TV and then are intimate. He asked me what I wanted us to do. I said that I didn't know. Really I was just too nervous to say it. I then went to his room and said "I'm moving out Saturday. Yes, I was hoping we could spend time together these last three days." He said that me moving out is not lost on him, this isn't like one of us is going on vacation for months and we will miss each other. I'm moving because of what I did.

Sunday night we watched TV and then I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He said yes, we started kissing, and then he stopped. He just laid there. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about or something I could do or did he just want me to leave. He asked me to leave. That was a first.

Saturday, my dad will have our daughter so N and I can move my things. Friday night will possibly be our last night all together in our house. Maybe I am stupid for hoping we could spend time together, but I would rather be stupid than not want to be with him.

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