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Trial Separation

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Justsomelady posted 11/6/2019 07:24 AM

Just popping in briefly, had a moment. I am sorry things are like this but it is probably really painful for him too. He just wants to get the separation started and the in between is tough. I can understand how much that hurts though. And I DONíT think your wanting and asking to spend time with him while you are still there is stupid at all. You asked, and you left when he decided the answer was no. What else can you do at this point. I think you are doing really well all things considered.

I know you both are against it but I really think you should each reconsider the position of not going to see an attorney at this point. It has been said over and over that reconciliation is a remote option. I donít see why seeing an attorney would be harmful. Stepping off soapbox.

Also - so glad youíve reached out to friends. Try to schedule the confidant one to come over soon after you move in so you can get support. Ditch the swinging friend, I donít see how that would be healing for you to be around that. I think it is time for a LD reinvention and some new friends/hobbies in your life.

Keep digging and keep taking care of yourself. Endorphins are the best antidepressants so keep active.

pinkpggy posted 11/6/2019 08:55 AM

I know its really hard, but you seem to be making this about you and what you want. You are so fresh from dday, you can't expect any different reactions from him. He wants space, so give him space. I know its REALLY hard to just back off and not try (which isn't giving up, its just backing off), I did the same thing, but he is telling you and showing you he needs the space. I would just honor that and let him dictate what happens over the course of the next few days. Be consistant, be engaged, but don't push it. I hope the time apart will be beneficial for both of you.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 8:57 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

hikingout posted 11/6/2019 09:04 AM

I agree with Pink. I know the temptation is great to see if you can bridge the gap, but it's going to take some time. In the meantime, pick up some books about infidelity or self help. How often are you seeing your IC? Think about some ways you could productively use your time towards healthy hobbies once you have gotten settled in. Your H needs some time, you have to trust him that he knows what he needs and if you love him you have to make his needs come first right now.

Lifeitself posted 11/6/2019 12:42 PM

Your last post reminded me of a poster from another relationship advice site. She was having an affair with a coworker for 3 months. Was on a business trip with her AP. Her H called their hotel room land line number at 4 am to let her know her sister had an accident. (he obviously knew about her A, he got PI and found out about their hotel details etc).

She kicked out AP immediately from the hotel room. Her H also said theyíd divorce and divorce would be final, he started packing to move out and start D process, she tried her chance in the last days, went to his room, they had sex multiple times before he moved out. They divorced, he dated other women, she didnít. She aggressively pursued him, they became FWB. 4 years after their divorce he moved back in and they are still together.

you have nothing to lose at this point and have 3 days left. Be a bit more aggressive, show him you want him. You have suffered a lot for the last 3-4 months, you need to release tension, so does N!

It might not change things in short term, but never say never long term.

SelfishCheater posted 11/6/2019 12:44 PM


No, I still haven't called my friend to talk. I think a big part of me feels that I need to do this on my own because I caused all of this. Having some help would feel like I couldn't do it. I know that is the wrong way to think, full of shame, but I don't know how to overcome that. Actually, I've always been like this in some way. I often saw receiving help meant that I couldn't do it, whatever it was.

WW here dropping by to give my own flavor of support...

Really trying to control my emotions here but extremely difficult because your BS' pain is reaching across the world and you are NO WHERE NEAR getting it.

Everyone here is very supportive of you and I am as well but let me be clear, I am on your BS' side. Anyone that is attacked will always have my sympathies.

You saying the above quote is total bullshit. How do I know that? Because you are here! You are getting the keys to the kingdom by studying other couples situation AND spying on your own BS. He needed this safe space and STILL does! You are the invader and are selfishly refusing to give him atleast that.

A few of the points he made were, 1) your words are not matching your actions 2) everyone here is giving you the answers so how is he EVER supposed to know if you are genuine or just spouting someone else's work?

He wants to see YOUR actions, YOUR words. He asked for NC after you moved out but is paying attention to every word you say and every move you make until then. And from your posts I can tell you right now that he is just getting more ammo to D.

In his eyes, you have come out on top (new job in better school, new car, family close by to support you etc) and he is over there just trying to hold shit together for his daughter.

Screw your tears! Crying loud enough so your BS can hear you at night isn't good enough! Cry on your own time and get to work. Because all you are displaying are your true emotions... manipulation.

Hopefully I am wrong and you do actually care about your best friend but from everything I have read so far, you are exactly where you want to be and happy to be there.


pinkpggy posted 11/6/2019 12:53 PM

Be a bit more aggressive, show him you want him. You have suffered a lot for the last 3-4 months, you need to release tension, so does N!

I find this to be terrible advice. Just a few months ago she was pursuing another man. It comes across as insincere and like an alterior motive to her husband right now for her to aggresively pursue him. The man has pleaded over and over for space. She can give that to him, respect his boundaries and stay consistant in showing him love and support without violating his wishes.

leavingorbit posted 11/6/2019 13:48 PM

LD, do you have some concrete plans for yourself in place for the separation? Like what youíll get up to when youíre not with your daughter? I read a lot. I walked sometimes (crying, mostly, if Iím honest). I would journal. I tried to cross stitch some. Went to IC. Went to group. I worked on myself. Talked to my sister. Tackled some projects around the house.

None of that was easy and at first I really couldíve cared less. I didnít ďgetĒ anything whatsoever and spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, wallowing in shame. However it was building up the good habits Iíd had, building a foundation for whatever future happened. At the time it didnít feel that way at all. Iím just wondering how youíre preparing, because itís going to be a major adjustment and may hit in ways that you canít expect. Is that something youíre working with your IC on? I feel like itís really important to do. And find some things that are for just you, healthy habits.

If your husband wants space, I think you should give him space. Itís going to be hard for him to figure out what he wants. It comes down to what he wants and needs, though, and any ďreading between the linesĒ beyond what heís directly asked for is holding onto control.


Lifeitself posted 11/6/2019 14:39 PM

The man has pleaded over and over for space.

Thank you pink but this is not true. N mentioned he wanted to have sex with LD one of his earlier posts, he also recently mentioned they were having passionate sex albeit not HB. They are being intimate now too so I didnít get the impression of Ďpleading over and over for spaceí. As he is on a rollercoaster, he may stop her one night and want her another night. Itís not like LD forcing N for sex every night and N rejecting her and asking for space.

She can give that to him, respect his boundaries and stay consistant in showing him love and support without violating his wishes.

This is a generic advice for a WS. I read similar advice maybe 100 times here on SI. Itís probably Ďacademicallyí true. The problem is it doesnít necessarily suit the dynamics between N and LD. Actually we donít know the dynamics of their relationship at all. Between the lines, they fancy each other (I mentioned a few supporting examples above). It may be their last 3 day together and I find it a bit too passive for LD quietly wait in her room and move out.

Let me try an analogy to articulate my self better:

LD and N are in a boxing match. Itís round 12, 30 seconds left. LD in one corner, divorce is on another corner. N is the referee. LD got a few good punches and itís very unlikely that Nís decision will be in her favour. your advice is LD to sit quietly on her corner and wait for the game to be over and respect the refís decision. What Iím saying is go LD, throw your best punches, make the most of the last 30 seconds! Thatís the best way she can change the refs decision.

[This message edited by Lifeitself at 3:00 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

pinkpggy posted 11/6/2019 14:48 PM

I didn't tell her not to fight. But the bottom line is he has asked her to leave.

She can make him dinner, leave him love notes, put on sexy clothes but it's kind of beyond all that. Show up emotionally, tell him her true thoughts, her fears and desires, be open and vulnerable while not pushing an agenda of her own to win him back in 3 days.

There is a difference in those actions. You can fight quietly and make an impact
I think she is smart enough to figure out what he needs from her and it's not to make him guilty for not wanting sex.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 2:50 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 11/6/2019 15:05 PM


Sorry, but what the hell are you talking about? I'm spying on him? He told me to read his post. He is the one who told me to join this site. He had me quit my job, and yes I got lucky to find another job right away. He asked me to sell my car. I am not crying loud enough for him to hear me. I try to cry as quietly as possible so our daughter doesn't hear me. So sorry I can't blow my nose silently.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/6/2019 15:12 PM

This therapist has been booked since taking over the other clients. I don't see her until next week. So, no I haven't been able to talk/work on anything.

My plans, to not sit and wallow all day every day. To try to make my new "home" good enough for our daughter. To spend quality time with her and learn how to be a better parent.

When he asked me to give him space home, I did just that. Then as Life itself said, he has wanted to be intimate and said we could. So, yes I went for it. I'm not going to turn him down. I'm also not pushing myself on him. I asked him, he said yes, we started. He told me to leave, I left. How did I manipulate him in to feeling bad about not having sex with me? I didn't even bring it up again after he stopped. I asked if there was anything he wanted to talk about or anything I could do to help.

SelfishCheater posted 11/6/2019 15:20 PM

So sorry I can't blow my nose silently.

Learn. Your tears aren't solving anything.

And your reaction is also an expected response that your husband mentioned in his post. "Defensive"

My words about you coming out on top are what I read of how your BS views the situation. These are HIS words, not mine.

And let's be honest shall we?.. you quit your job because you screwed your AP in your classroom and sold your car because that was another place you two tainted. And isn't your BS' car next on the chopping block or did I read that wrong from your BS?

So I suggest if he invited you to read his posts then you go back and read again to become intimately acquainted with HIS PAIN. That is the only way you are going to help him.

pinkpggy posted 11/6/2019 15:22 PM

You didn't. I think just your statements above, expecting him to want to spend the time with you still shows wayward thoughts. Or expecting to have sex and being hurt when it doesn't happen. You are human and all your emotions are normal and the need for the connection. But you just have to let it go at this point. And you are really still minimizing your actions...new job because BH said so...new car too. No, that happened due to your actions. You have a really long road ahead and it's clear things still aren't clicking. And that normal, your world is imploding. Use this time to really and truly work on yourself. Don't forget your actions put everyone in this awful situation. It seems like you think your husband is doing this to you and not vice versa.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 3:26 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 11/6/2019 15:28 PM

Yes I am being defensive when people put words in my "mouth."

Where did I say that I expect him to have sex with me? I said I was hoping. There's a huge difference. I don't expect anything from him.

I quit my job because he wanted me to and it was the right thing to do. My principal didn't want me to quit. I could have stayed if I didn't care about my husband. Yes, we did a sexual act in the school. I did not screw him. We did things in my car. I told him he could have my car since the AP rode in his.

pinkpggy posted 11/6/2019 15:32 PM

You quit your job because you put your husband in a situation to where he was no longer comfortable with you working there and for his own peace of mind had to have you quit. Not because he WANTED you to.

Same with the car. There is a much bigger picture. You are framing it how you want to see it.

You need to change your thinking LD. You have a very long road ahead.

SelfishCheater posted 11/6/2019 15:35 PM

We did things in my car. I told him he could have my car since the AP rode in his.

I'm sorry, I must be misunderstanding your post here... Is this supposed to be a gift your husband should be thankful for?

Nevermind, doesn't matter. Your husband is doing what he needs to in order to protect himself and I wish him well.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/6/2019 15:42 PM

Trust me, I have not forgotten that we are all here because of my choices and actions. Do you honestly think that I don't think about that every single day? When I look at my daughter and realize how much her life is about to change because of me? Or when I see the look on my husband's face? I have not said or thought once "this is all his doing."

LifeDestroyer posted 11/6/2019 15:45 PM

Wow, you are really good at putting your own twist on things if every little word isn't said.

Have either of you had to leave your home, your family?

pinkpggy posted 11/6/2019 15:54 PM

LD- my life was completely ruined by my affair. It STILL is. I still work every single day at holding my family together.

It took me 6 months to get it and another 6 to make the changes.

This isn't easy and I just hope you make the changes you need to.

pinkpggy posted 11/6/2019 15:54 PM


[This message edited by pinkpggy at 3:59 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

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