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Trial Separation

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SelfishCheater posted 11/6/2019 15:56 PM

Wow, you are really good at putting your own twist on things if every little word isn't said.

Don't you understand that YOU are under the microscope here?? And not from US.. from your HUSBAND!

HE is the one judging every little word and action you do and DONT do. I am just trying to get you to see that the focus should be on HIM.. not what color schemes to use in your new bathroom.

Go on now and get defensive about the bathroom quote and say you never said it.. It is an analogy but I hope you get your head out of your butt to see the meaning behind it regardless.

BluesPower posted 11/6/2019 16:32 PM

LD,

Gently, we all know that you are hurting. But please listen to what they are telling you.

I know you don't want to be reminded about what you have done, but don't you see that that is exactly what you were doing when you started posting and lying about the extent of the affair.

Everyone knew you had sex, because adults have sex.

So even if you think someone is being mean, try and listen, and if it does not work for you, let it go.

But the defensiveness, is never going to help you get your husband back.

You have to humble yourself...

faithfulman posted 11/6/2019 17:39 PM

Lifedestroyer,

Remember me?

I was a contributor to your original thread.

I was one of the many who pointed out you were obviously lying, and I pointed out why it was obvious and you replied to me with flimsy contradictions.

You are doing the same thing here to avoid looking at yourself, your behavior, and your true motivations.

You are trying to win an unwinnable argument instead of just hearing and reflecting.

I think this is a defense mechanism you use to cope - I know it well from other people, and it never helps.

I think you are capable of insight. The name you picked, "Lifedestroyer" was spot on.

The way you approach life has destroyed your life and the lives of those you are supposed to love and protect.

If you keep this up, your life will remain destroyed, in ruins, while others pick up and leave you behind.

You're trying to save something that is already destroyed. Time to set down the wrecking ball and learn how to use some new tools. Learn how to build.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:40 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 11/6/2019 17:48 PM

Trust me, I have not forgotten that we are all here because of my choices and actions. Do you honestly think that I don't think about that every single day?

LD, I know you think about your actions everyday, but I believe that right now you are only able to see things on a more global scale. For example, you destroyed your marriage, you messed up, your daughter and husband now have to pay for your actions. Global. You are not capable yet of seeing the details and processing them into individual hurts. You may not like SelfishCheater’s delivery, but she is absolutely correct in saying that everything that you do and every word that you say and write is under a microscope right now. What you say and how you say it matters. Not to us, but to Neanderthal and hopefully to you as well.

When members tell you to dig deep and peel back the layers, that means that you will need to process and dissect each little aspect of your affair and be able to understand how that has impacted your husband and how he feels about you. It’s a long and arduous journey, that has no room for defensiveness. When you find yourself getting angry or defensive, stop and ask yourself why. Is it because there is some truth? Is it because you may believe deep down what is being said but are fighting against it? Is it something else?

It’s ok if people don’t understand what you initially intended with a post. Simply clarify rather than get angry. That will be growth. If you stop and listen and actually hear what people are saying, you may find yourself moving with the current rather than struggling to swim.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/6/2019 18:57 PM

No matter what I say it will come off as being defensive. I know that.

I have never asked anyone to not remind me of what I have done. I go over what I did to my husband and family every single day. I will ask that people don't tell me that I did things or said things or feel things that aren't true. Our story gets used plenty on this site as one not to follow, and that is fine. WS shouldn't do what I did, but it does get frustrating when a member adds their own twist to what happened.

I know people do not believe me, my bh included, when I say that I know what I have done. I am not in some dense fog. While sometimes it may seem unreal, I know it is very real. I know the betrayal I caused is very real. The unbelievable amount of pain I have caused my husband is real. The level of disrespect I had towards him is very real. My days are not filled with me living in some cute little fantasy bubble filled with hope of us reconciling and living happily ever after. Yes, I still have the smallest sliver of hope left, because if I didn't then what? I know what will more than likely happen, and it isn't my bubble fantasy.

I am aware that I am under a microscope with him. I know he will read my posts as me being defensive and not taking criticism. He will side with every single one of you. I get it. I know I will never have him in my corner again. I caused that. I can't sit here though and be accused of things that aren't true. I just can't. When I do try to clarify what I actually meant, it is automatically taken as being defensive. There is no way to clarify on here with some of the members. A lot project their own issues and don't see what someone says for what they actually mean. They did it on his thread too.

Do you members really think that I don't consider his feelings right now after what I did? Yes, I had an affair for 6 months, but I have been his partner for 17 years. Everything he is feeling right now is because of me. I will never not consider his feelings about this. He is always on my mind. What he is feeling, what he is thinking, what he is wanting, what he is expecting. I'm pretty sure I have said it on here, I absolutely think about what he must be feeling having to make his child's mother leave. I know that is not easy and heartbreaking for him to do. He will have to hear our daughter ask him "when is mommy coming back home." Not for one second do I think I am winning in the "who has it worse" game.

Friday night will more than likely be my last night in our home. While I still have a tiny amount of hope left, I do not expect to be allowed to live here again. Members on here have made that very clear to me. He has too. It's actually really hard to hear members tell me that there is still a good chance that he will take me back, or that we may get back together after divorcing. When he is done with someone, he is done. There won't be any getting back together.

I know what I did to my husband. I had an affair for 6 months. I lied to him for 8 months. I betrayed him in every way possible. I disrespected him over and over again. I demolished our entire 17 year history. I made him question any feeling I had for him those years. I made him doubt everything. I broke his heart into a million little pieces. I minimized and minimized and minimized. I made him question himself every day. My affair made him feel like shit about his past behaviors with me. I destroyed the only person that was always there for me. I know what I did.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 9:42 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Justsomelady posted 11/6/2019 19:57 PM

Ok I feel sort of dumb. Maybe I am missing something but.... I don’t see how she is defensive at this point? WTH is everyone carrying on about. She’s just talking about what she has on her mind and what is going on in life. Yeah she needs to figure out some deep things but does every post have to be a come to Jesus? Does she have to screen each post like a politician? I think she’s doing a mix of life updates as she is processing and some more serious thoughts as well (like the thoughtful post above).

SelfishCheater posted 11/6/2019 19:58 PM

^^^^^^^

Didn't bother to read it. Why, you ask? Because I saw the length and automatically know it was 30mins more you just wasted trying to convince strangers that you "get it" rather than put that energy towards your husband.

Would have been more satisfying to see NO post from you tonight and imagine you listened and went to apply that to your family.

SelfishCheater posted 11/6/2019 20:04 PM

Justsomelady

yeah she needs to figure out some deep things but does every post have to be a come to Jesus?

Nope! But she has a clock ticking until she's moved out and NC contact begins. And her husband is watching and waiting...

Just wanted her to realize that another test was being handed out and she is currently not doing all she can to pass this one.

He is letting her hang by her own rope. Freedom to do as thou will, so to speak, and currently her will is speaking only for herself and not her BS

LifeDestroyer posted 11/6/2019 20:10 PM

SelfishCheater, please do not post on my threads anymore. I kept off of yours, so please do the same with mine.

SelfishCheater posted 11/6/2019 20:11 PM

LD

Last thing I'm going to say and then will go to my own BS....

Put the kiddo to bed and get your tail in there and SPEAK FROM THE HEART! Dont repeat what you have read somewhere or what you think he wants to hear. Just lay your soul bare and connect with your best friend, share his pain and do whatever you can to ease it.

The answers are inside of you and no one else. You are the source of his pain and are the best person on this planet to ease it.

EllieKMAS posted 11/6/2019 20:21 PM

LD - I am sure you are really struggling right now. The whole situation just blows, no two ways about it.

FWIW, I think you have started making strides. You still have a long way to go, but I think you are finally comprehending that and taking the necessary steps to move in the right direction. Keep working on you. Keep finding out what makes you tick. Ultimately that will serve you well, no matter what happens with your M.

Please do try to find some IRL support too. SI is great, but nothing beats having an actual human to lean on. I wouldn't expect an alcoholic to cold turkey and do their recovery all on their own - imho, it is dangerous for you to try recovering from all of this alone.

I do wish you luck.

GreatWideOpen posted 11/6/2019 23:09 PM

I know the timing of this suggestion isn't good. I sincerely would have like to offer it back in August .... So you have provided the full and complete timeline. Now, incert N into each of those days with your words, actions and feelings toward your AP. Where was N and what was N doing during those days and nights? How did you interact with N before and after the classroom sex act, the gas station sex act, the hotel stay, the times you said or wrote words of love and longing to the AP and whatever else is in the final timeline. I can almost promise you that N has done exactly this. It is likely he pieced together your excitement, your lateness, your harsh demeanor, your denying or avoiding intimacy, or whatever else transpired in your marriage with what was happening with your AP. Once you can see that you may more fully realize how deep and specific the emotional cuts really are. What he is ceaselessly trying to process. Why he needs to separate with NC.
The intimacy of this last week is likely some attempt at closure for him and not looking for some hope or spark.
Be a great mom and steady coparent and stop thinking about maybe getting back in the house someday and instead work on yourself and think about meeting him for coffee in January.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 11/7/2019 05:35 AM

SelfishCheater, you have a pm.

NoOptTo posted 11/9/2019 10:48 AM

Hope your move into your new place is going well. Think about your daughter having her own room to decorate. Take advantage of the time you do get to spend with her.

You will find a new normalcy. It is logical to want to mourn what you have lost. But now is an opportunity to grow as an individual. Take it as a mission. If you are fortunate to get back with your BH, cherish the opportunity for R. If not, hopefully you have learned enough about yourself to be a safe partner for someone else in time.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/9/2019 18:25 PM

It took 4 hours to move me out and in to my apartment. My friend is coming over to help me unpack some and be a shoulder. I want to get our daughter's room all ready for her. She will be coming over tomorrow afternoon.

He was a huge help. He even paid for the Uhaul truck. While we were carrying my mattress up the steps, he said "are you going to say it?" It was a "PIVOT" moment 😆

I have to figure out how to go without speaking to him.

NoOptTo posted 11/9/2019 18:55 PM

Only advice I can say about dont being able to talk to BH, have your friends on rotation. When you want to talk to BH, call a friend. Vent, share, talk about mundane stuff. It stinks. But your creating a new normal. It will take time. You will get there.

WilliamM posted 11/9/2019 19:35 PM

BH here. No advice. No big points to make. Just wanted to say I am praying for you and your husband and daughter. Stay strong, work hard, lean on your support system, and I hope for the best for you and your family.

TimSC posted 11/10/2019 10:42 AM

He was a huge help. He even paid for the Uhaul truck. While we were carrying my mattress up the steps, he said "are you going to say it?" It was a "PIVOT" moment 😆

BH here. My wife had an EA with a guy from her gym. I think I caught it before it went PA. I still think about that time even almost 20 years latter.

Your husband has to decide what he can and cannot get over and live with -- and he has a lot to consider.

The decision is now his.

Maybe I am dense, but what did he mean when he said "are you going to say it"?

LifeDestroyer posted 11/10/2019 10:54 AM

Tim

He was referring to the scene from Friends where they are trying to carry Ross's couch up the steps and he screams "PIVOT." It was a funny moment.

skerzoid posted 11/10/2019 15:33 PM

LD

Sharing an inside joke together is a start.

I had never seen this episode. I loved when he tried to return the couch.

Small Steps.

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