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Trial Separation

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skerzoid posted 11/10/2019 15:33 PM

LD

Sharing an inside joke together is a start.

I had never seen this episode. I loved when he tried to return the couch.

Small Steps.

landclark posted 11/10/2019 15:58 PM

Oh my gosh, the leadership of my company uses the word pivot a lot. Every time they say it I think of that episode. Lol

Glad you were able to share a laugh.

TimSC posted 11/10/2019 20:59 PM

He was referring to the scene from Friends where they are trying to carry Ross's couch up the steps and he screams "PIVOT." It was a funny moment.

It is assuredly a good thing that he can share a joke with you and you both recognize what he is talking about and laugh together.

Maybe he is not so firmly leaning toward divorce after all.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/10/2019 21:08 PM

Our daughter really liked her new room, although I think it was just the JoJo bedding that she really liked. She kept rearranging the few stuffed animals she has here on her bed. She also locked herself out of her room. That was fun. They don't have those basic keys for these doors, so I had to shove a paperclip in there and got it open. I will definitely be asking the office if they have any extra keys.

We then went for a little walk and fed the ducks some bread. They come right up to you and will eat right out of your hand. Luckily, she went o sleep right away. She said she went to a park with her daddy, so that definitely helped. I forgot to pack her toothbrush, mom fail #1.

I really need to get internet here. TV with an antenna sucks!!!!! There's only one channel for her, and the shows suck.

There is a parenting class on Tuesday night. It sucks that it's on one of my nights, but it's just a 6 week class.

Kiba posted 11/11/2019 11:33 AM

Can I ask you a question? Why didn't you offer to let him have your daughter for the entire first week so that he wasn't left with a completely empty house? That would have given him time to get a little used to you not being there, while still having your daughter for some sense of normalcy. Instead you cheated on him, but got a new place, with new furniture and his only child. While he is left with a cold empty house. His head is going to spiral down to some seriously dark dark areas.

[This message edited by Kiba at 11:35 AM, November 11th (Monday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 11/11/2019 11:42 AM

We never discussed one of us having her for the whole week. We have both wanted to make this as easy as possible for her, our daughter. Her only being with one parent would not be fair for her or the parent that would have to go without her.

This is not easy for any of us. We will both be alone, spiraling into the darkness when we are without our daughter. She is now left asking each day "how many more days do I have with (enter parent)" because of my choices. She is the most important person to both of us. Everything we do has her first in mind. I get that it would be fair for me to go without her for a week or more because I am the one that caused this, but how is that fair to her?

ibonnie posted 11/11/2019 11:57 AM

IDK how far apart you all live, but when my WH and I were separated, I had the kids each week because of my/our schedules. He would take the kids out for dinner every Wednesday night (more or less... his head was still up his AP's ass, so their date nights came first, but I digress) that way they (in theory) wouldn't go more than 2-3 days without seeing him.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/11/2019 12:02 PM

We are just 15 minutes away from each other. Right now we have our schedules with her even. We each have her 3 nights and then a 4th every other week. Again, we wanted this to be easy on her and fair for her.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/12/2019 11:15 AM

I had to stop by the house yesterday since I forgot a few things for our daughter. It felt eerie walking through it. It was very empty feeling. Our bedroom was empty. The house already smelled differently than it usually did.


Our daughter asks multiple times a day how many more nights she has with me and then how many she'll have with Daddy. She has been throwing a little fit right as she gets into bed because it's not setup the same way like home, even though things are in the same place. The pillows are different, she doesn't want this extra blanket on her, she wants to be on the outside where I lay to sing to her. Those are all things that were the same at the house. Last night she got very upset and said she didn't want to be there.


I need to look into getting a remote starter for this car. With the temperature dropping, I would like the car to be warm for her when she gets in it. I don't feel comfortable with letting the car run at an apartment complex. At home it was different since no one was around.

Ponus18 posted 11/12/2019 13:34 PM

Another BH here. I don't have any great words of wisdom for you. I spend more time on the JFO forum and probably have a lot to learn reading over here.

I just wanted to say that your story and N's have struck such a chord with me. I hope things turn out well for you both and for your daughter. You both are so focused on her that I know she will be ok.

Best of luck LD.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/12/2019 17:10 PM

LD,

When I was 9 my dad passed away. There was a finality to that. I missed him, but I knew that there was no changing things. Separation is a bit different for kids though. They see both parents. And in a lot of cases they don't have the whole story to be able to understand.

Maybe you and your BH need to come up with a way to explain all this to your child. Better to let them know the facts, than pretend otherwise. She has certainly tuned into all the stress of the last while. Now reality is setting in for her.

One thing I have learned raising 2 boys (25 and 20) is that they know a lot more than I give them credit for.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/12/2019 17:23 PM

We did have a talk with her to explain what is happening. We obviously didn't tell her what I did, but we did say that mommy and daddy need some time apart to think. We made it very clear that none of this has to do with her and that we love her very much.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/12/2019 17:40 PM

LD,

My older son is special needs, and he still throws fits when plans change. I guess the point I was trying to make is that show your daughter you love her, and let her know her dad loves her. But most important take the time to listen to her. She's probably hurting right now too, and could use someone to ask her how she's feeling. Give her some time and attention. I'm talking just as a parent here.

BTW- everything else aside, I admire you for at least keeping up and posting here. You've done some good growth already in spite of some really tough times. There's a lot of experience on this site. Take some time to listen and learn.

Newlifeisgreat posted 11/12/2019 19:22 PM

Please make sure that when she starts to blame someone, you step up and clearly tell her that Daddy did nothing wrong and this is not his fault at all. You need to let her know that this is because of you, and let your husband know that you told her that it is all your fault.

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 7:23 PM, November 12th (Tuesday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 11/12/2019 19:46 PM

I have when she has said things like that.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/14/2019 06:52 AM

I finally go back to IC tonight. Tonight also starts his three nights with her. Hopefully she actually sleeps instead of coughing all night, or else he is going to be very tired tomorrow. This child can go without sleep and still be completely full of energy. I don't get it. I was walking around like a zombie yesterday, while she's running around.

The teacher across the hall, who knows we were possibly getting a divorce but didn't know why, knows we separated. She came to me to say that DD told her daughter that she gets to spend more nights at mommy's place this week. Her daughter then went to her and asked if Mrs. LD and her husband live in different homes. She wanted to warn me in case her daughter asked me any questions. I did tell her that I moved out into an apartment nearby. While she still doesn't know why, I'm not there in our friendship yet to go into it with her, it was a relief that she knows I moved out. I haven't told any at the school except DD's teacher and guidance counselor. The teacher friend doesn't pry. She just says that she is there in case I want to talk about anything. She is a single mom and has given me some advice. She's the one who said if I ever need to take a break to cry or breathe, she can watch my class for me.

Newlifeisgreat posted 11/14/2019 20:37 PM

Do you have plans for the next 3 nights? I suggest that you do something., for the very least to stay busy and out of your apartment by yourself. Maybe ask the teacher across the hall if she wants to go out for drinks and dinner????

BeyondRage posted 11/14/2019 22:28 PM

LD
If I were you Iíd do maybe dinner with your new friend. Iíd skip going out to a bar for drinks . The d stay where you can have some nice company of friend without guys hovering .
Iím guessing your husband was not out having drinks on his night alone
Just my opinion

JBWD posted 11/14/2019 23:23 PM

Was gonna say the same about drinks.
You just donít want to depress your CNS any more than is already happening.

[This message edited by JBWD at 11:23 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

JBWD posted 11/14/2019 23:57 PM

More critically for these next couple nights-
I think this ďimpending doomĒ sensation youíre likely experiencing is actually an opportunity- Completely devoid of external stimuli, if you can detach enough I found a lot of clarity in understanding how my reflexes at such times could highlight my whys to a large degree. Kinda dense, but without having to worry about any external observation, no wrong answers, etc, I could really SEE what my reflexes were in isolation. Helped me figure out what drove me when it couldnít be assessed through any of my other methods of self-examination.

Thatís when it canít be held off. Find fulfilling things to do as well.

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