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Trial Separation

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Bigheart2018 posted 11/15/2019 03:38 AM

LD, Always remember... You are not a single mom... You are a married woman and a married mother working toward reconciliation. Keep that mindset close to your heart.

LD, I have been a supporter of your family from the beginning. I don't want you to destroy this last opportunity to mend the bridge between you and your family. You have done a tremendous amount of damage to your family, now it time to work to rebuild that bridge and I know you can do it.

LD, itís really hard calling you life destroyer, let's start to focus on the Hope of the future for you and your family and maybe calling you LR for Life Reformer. The reason Iím using the word, Hope because itís extremely important in the Bible. The greek word for hope is Elpis; It is used as a noun and means, ďfavorable and confident expectation, a forward look with assurance.Ē Hope is more than a dream, it is waiting with assurance.

Keep hope alive for your family.

Best,
Bigheart

LifeDestroyer posted 11/15/2019 06:54 AM

Beyondrage, I agree and I won't be going to any bars or out for drinks. I haven't had one since dday. I would go out to lunch or dinner with my one of my friends, but it's hard for them to get some time without their kids. So, it would end up being a playdate. Which wouldn't be bad, our daughter would love it.

I'm not a single mom, you're right. I am still married. She was just trying to give me tips on how to handle being on my own with our daughter, like finding inexpensive things to do together. Also, what she does with discipline since she doesn't have an extra parent there to back her up.

Bigheart, I've used the word "hope" all throughout this. Since I can't control the outcome, all I have is hope. It may change in amount each day, but I still have hope. I have to.

Therapy last night was a bit eye-opening. I liked her last night, which stinks because I probably won't be able to keep seeing her. She is completely booked for the times I can see her for the next few months. I would have to stay on the cancel list and just wait. I emailed two other therapists to see. This one was able to help me see how things that happened in my past shaped my coping skills and may have had an impact on my relationship. She is about figuring out my whys and then how to work through what happened in my past.

Right now I'm sitting in our house waiting to wake our daughter for school. I was very excited to be able to see him and speak to him, even if it was just about the construction on our road and feeding the dogs. I definitely don't think he felt the same way. He said very few words, like 5, but I'll take them. That's better than no words at all.

TimSC posted 11/15/2019 12:16 PM

I'm sure he did not feel the same.

After all, his request that you move out was him recognizing his need to be as alone as possible and think through all that has happened and determine his best path forward.

He cannot do that with you in the house. This is his way of getting his thoughts straight in his mind.

A friend of mine found out his wife was cheating on him with a man she had met during one of her "Houses for Humanity" trips. The cheating (motels) while she claimed to running errand and shopping went on for 18 months. No kids. He found out because she left her email open and he saw a message from her affair partner saying he could not wait for Thursday, that he had already booked a room at the motel, and could not wait to hold her naked body again.

When he found out he just packed his bags and left. And I mean nobody knew where he was. He told his friends and family he had to figure his life out and what to do next then just disappeared for 2 months. Not a word from him to anyone. He hit the bank on his way out of town and took out half the money they had so he could not be tracked by ATM or credit cards. He cut off his phone. He even took all the vacation time he had save up on his job and did not return until it all ran out.

He just walked back into his house one day and said to his wife "We have to talk and if you tell me one lie you will never see me again".

She must have done everything right for they are still married and have 3 kids.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/15/2019 12:49 PM

I know that he is not happy about me being there in the mornings. He has said he doesn't want that to happen the whole separation, but right now it has to. The other options are to wake her at 5 to then driver her to my apartment, or pay a crazy amount to some babysitter to be at the house for 1-2 days for just 2 hours. I know he does not want it, but I would rather have to wake early to be there those days than either of those other options. Those are not fair to her or him.

pinkpggy posted 11/15/2019 14:12 PM

Next time sit in your car and not in the house. Are you there because your husband is leaving early? When he leaves, you go in. There is no reason to sit in the house if he's asked you not to.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/15/2019 14:25 PM

I asked him if he wanted me to wait outside, and he said that I can come in. Yes, he leaves early for work.

pinkpggy posted 11/15/2019 15:31 PM

If he's not happy about it and said he doesn't want it to happwn for all of the separation, then why did he say you could come in? Don't put him in that situation. I'd just pull up when he's ready to go and switch in and out. Take the burden off him looking like the bad guy for not wanting you there.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/15/2019 15:55 PM

I said I didn't think he was happy. He never said those words. How am I making him look like the bad guy?

I asked him if he wanted me to wait outside and come in as he was leaving so he wouldn't have to really see me. He said no, that I can wait until I see the light on or dogs outside so they don't wake her with the barking. This morning I came in, we were maybe in the house at the same time for 20 seconds before he walked out.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 4:51 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

hardtomove posted 11/15/2019 17:23 PM

Going through this if I could rewind I would definitely separate for clarity.

pinkpggy posted 11/15/2019 19:03 PM


I know that he is not happy about me being there in the mornings. He has said he doesn't want that to happen the whole separation

This is what you said and what I was going off of when replying. Now it's you *think* he isn't happy. Either way you are still making it about you. Figure out how not to be in the house.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 7:05 PM, November 15th (Friday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 11/15/2019 19:05 PM

That's me guessing how he feels since I can't speak to him or ask.

TimSC posted 11/16/2019 13:52 PM

Stop trying to guess how he feels.

Just help him take care of your child.

He will let you know how he feels when he makes a decision.

Don't expect much until the New Year.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/16/2019 14:18 PM

All I can do is guess and think. It's very hard not to wonder. Wonder what they're doing and how they're feeling. Wonder if this is the way it's going to be, or will it get better or worse. Sitting in this apartment alone, lots of time to think.

I don't know how he went days without seeing her. It's just one day for me and it's killing me to not see her. I was at the store and just kept hoping that I would run into them there. I kept waiting to hear her voice down an aisle.

TimSC posted 11/17/2019 09:55 AM

All I can do is guess and think. It's very hard not to wonder. Wonder what they're doing and how they're feeling. Wonder if this is the way it's going to be, or will it get better or worse. Sitting in this apartment alone, lots of time to think.
I don't know how he went days without seeing her. It's just one day for me and it's killing me to not see her. I was at the store and just kept hoping that I would run into them there. I kept waiting to hear her voice down an aisle.

The consequences of infidelity can be high.

Most cheaters don't think of possible consequences when wrapped up in an affair. Most think they will never be caught or what could happen if they are.

But I can tell you that no matter how much you are hurting, your husband is hurting 10X more.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/17/2019 10:03 AM

You are absolutely right, I never thought I would be caught. In my warped bubble, none of this could have happened.

I know he is hurting more. He had to make this decision based on my choices. I want to help him not hurt. I know it's supposed to be the BH helps himself heal and the WW helps herself heal, but I can't help but want to help him.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/17/2019 13:07 PM

We were leaving the apartment and she ran ahead of me. A person was sitting outside and I guess asked her if she lives here. She told them "no this isn't my home I just sleep over here." I know she's only 5 and doesn't understand, but my God that hurt to hear her say it. When we got in the car, I told her that this is her home too. I explained that she has two homes now.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/17/2019 18:02 PM

DD had fun at the party. She got to see her friends who she hasn't seen in a bit. She of course didn't want to leave.

I felt awkward the entire time. I haven't told this friend what's going on. The whole time I just kept thinking about my family and how our daughter doesn't have an intact family like her friends.

Through all of this, she has started the "I'm going to tell Daddy" when I tell her she can't do something or when I make her do something.

gmc94 posted 11/17/2019 20:49 PM

All I can do is guess and think. It's very hard not to wonder. Wonder what they're doing and how they're feeling. Wonder if this is the way it's going to be, or will it get better or worse. Sitting in this apartment alone, lots of time to think.

but I can't help but want to help him.

Gently, yes, you can stop wondering. You can start focusing on yourself.

I'd bet good money that my WH did the same stuff the first couple of months after we S (then our DD's addiction went through the roof, so she's his focus). And from my perspective as the BS? All that sitting around wondering and thinking about me does not do one damn thing to help anyone. He's about as good at reading my mind as he was at being faithful.

Again, GENTLY, I see a couple of problems here. First, you wanting to help him is about you feeling better about yourself. I understand how maddening it is to break something you can not fix. Yes, an A is a huge one, but I'd bet most everyone has had that feeling in their life. That feeling of desperately wanting to fix something we broke/hurt. But it's out of your hands now. You cannot control it. You cannot even fix it for him. The most you can do is validate his pain and respect his choices. Period.

Second (and I really hope this is not coming off like a 2x4, I don't mean it that way), other WS will probably have better insight here, but this comes off as self victimization, shame, etc. That's absolutely one tough f*cking nut to crack (my own WH has been working on that one for nearly 2 years - I don't know if he feels there is progress or not). It's an easy spiral for both BS and WS. It's hard to catch ourselves when in the midst of it (I fear I will struggle with this for the rest of my life). It can feel like a warm, familiar blanket. The problem is that it is not really healing (I try and think of it as a blanket full of germs).

Things you can control? Being a good mom. Working with your BH to ensure that the "I'm gonna tell daddy" is addressed in an appropriate way (and from what you two have posted, it seems that is something you two can still do well). Don't become a Disneyland Mom, where your place is "fun" and his is chores (IOW, don't spoil her bc you feel guilty).

And most importantly - you can control you. How are the whys coming? What progress have you made on yourself? How do you feel about your progress? What goals do you have - short term? Long term? How is it going addressing wayward thinking? I'm not suggesting you answer here. Rather, that working on yourself is the best path for healing. No one knows if your M will be able to be rebuilt. No one has the crystal ball of the future. Worrying about it will not help anything - anymore than I help my DD by worrying if tonight is the night she will have taken the addiction to a point of no return.

Godspeed.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/17/2019 21:04 PM

I am absolutely sitting in shame. I don't know how to stop feeling shame for what I did. Guilt and shame are what I feel all the time.

This will sound wrong, but I feel bad working on myself. I'm still in the "I'm the mom/wife so I am supposed to fix the problems so everyone can be happy" mode.

I haven't been spoiling her. I actually haven't even felt the urge to spoil her, yet. Right now, I'm just trying to make her room feel like hers. It is so empty and bare.
Last therapy session was actually very good. It was hard to acknowledge things from my past, but it was eye opening. She is about trying to figure out why I had the affair. She also wants me to be able to find a way to cope with things that happened to me when I was younger. I tried then, didn't have the support from the adults who were supposed to protect me, learned to not speak because there wasn't a point.

landclark posted 11/17/2019 21:39 PM

I donít think guilt is always a bad thing. It can help us with our moral compass. It becomes a bad thing if youíre beating yourself up over something unrealistic.

I completely get the need to be the fixer. Iím certain it comes from issues my mom and I had when I was growing up, and the fact that Iím the oldest sibling. Part of me wants to fix my WH, but in truth I canít do that. Only he can do that, just as you can now only fix you.

I know this is really hard for you, but you canít sit in one spot for too long or youíll never move forward (I know, captain Obvious over here).

[This message edited by landclark at 9:40 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

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