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Trial Separation

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DoinBettr posted 10/21/2019 14:43 PM

LD -
Just some advice on the separation. Pile up a lot of back homework to do on yourself. This way when you feel like sinking into self pity (That is a deep pit of quicksand) you have a way to move forward right at your fingertips. My friend who was divorced due to her cheating came up with an alarm that made her get up off her butt every hour. She did this after we came over the second week she was out and she said she had eaten all her feelings with Netflix. The house was a mess and we just moved her in 2 weeks ago. She kind of fell into the mantra, "I am a disgusting pig so I deserve to be like this." So she setup the alarm after her pants stopped fitting. She said it helped to get her off her backside between shows. Also, if you watch more than 2 hours of TV alone, turn it off. The TV will trap you while you are alone and sad if you let it. Maybe even workout after 2 hours. What my divorcee friend started to do. (BTW - she is the one hooking up with her exBH)

I don't think you ever really got to your "Whys". I also don't think you made a real timeline. Why not make those your first 2 projects. Start with the timeline. That will help with the "Whys". Get to your first interaction with the AP and nail down when your feelings shifted and what triggered that? It is a great start. Then you can back up a little in time and work more on that moment. Daddydom has a great post about "Whys".

Lastly, think why you thought 1 time was ok. Why not 3, 10, or 15? It is an interesting exercise to see you had minimized everything you have been telling N from the beginning. Then the lies slowly had to get bigger. Eventually they were so big they weighed you down. How do you erase that natural way you lied to him before?
Work on spending 24 hours without lies. There are lots of free truth building exercises online. Most are Biblically based, sorry, but they really drive home honesty over other groups.

Remember to stay active or your BH will see this as LD's vacation from the house. Mostly because he will ruminate in his anger and sadness when you have your daughter.

You can do this.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 12:19 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 10/21/2019 22:20 PM

Tonight while our daughter was at dance, I drove through the apartment complex that I'm going to look at on Wednesday. That outside wasn't anything special. It didn't look run down. It is right across from a big park that she likes to play at. We would be able to go there a lot along with ride our bikes down Main Street. I know she would really enjoy that. There's also a running/walking club that I always see down there. Two years ago I wanted to find out about them, but never did it. It will be a lot easier now.

The whole time though, my heart dropped into my stomach which was in a giant knot.

Carissima posted 10/22/2019 02:29 AM

Why did you you want to want to look at them back then? For you or for your family?

TimSC posted 10/22/2019 03:16 AM

Exercise is a great idea.

Joining clubs to socialize while doing it...maybe not so good of an idea. Lots of guys there for you to choose from. Just thinking of what your husband might think if he saw you running or walking with a group of men.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/22/2019 06:13 AM

Two years ago I was working at a school on main. I wanted to start working out, that's why I was interested in it then. It would have been a pain though, well not really I was just too lazy to do it all.

I have seen groups of just women together, so I'm not sure if that is a thing or the women just congregate together. Being in a group where there will be other men around wouldn't be a good idea. I will walk/run on my own and hold myself accountable.

BraveSirRobin posted 10/22/2019 06:50 AM

Those sound like healthy coping choices, LD. I hope you can find a group of women to exercise with. It sounds like the support of your coworkers is a godsend, so it would be nice if you can find friends for positive goals like exercise.

The apartment sounds like it will have several advantages for your daughter. You're doing well at making the best of a tough situation, though I know it must be very hard.

(ETA: Did I read here that time with AP on Main Street was an element of the A? I apologize if I have that mixed up with another poster. If so, it will probably be a trigger for your BH, so keep that in mind when talking to him about activities there.)

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:57 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 10/22/2019 07:04 AM

It is not easy, but I also know it's not easy for him. He's the one that is actually "breaking up his family." Those were his words from his bio. Yes, I 100% set it all in motion and caused it, but I unfortunately dumped it all on his shoulders to now deal with. I know he doesn't want to make his daughter's mommy leave. He doesn't want any of this. I made him this shit sandwich, as it is always referred to as here, and now he has to decide if he wants to eat it all or throw it away.

My husband is an amazing man. He always called himself an asshole, said he's one to everyone, but he's not. He has a humongous heart and wants good for the people he cares about. That's why I believe him when he says he does not want me to suffer, will help me, and would never do anything to hurt me. I'm just really really hoping that he can find a spot for US to stay as a couple in his humongous heart.

Westway posted 10/22/2019 09:18 AM

ChangeMe1 said:


I know you hurting, the pain is obvious in your post. You need to think of your husband though. You are burdening him with you guilt and grief.
I get it, I truly do. In the run up to our separation I pleaded, I didn't want to go. I dragged my feet on finding somewhere to live. I moped.

What I should have done is focused on my wife's needs. None of that helped her. She needed me gone, and I should have gone. It was hard enough on her, she didn't need to bear my feelings to.
I'm not saying to be happy and care free. But take of yourself, don't ask him to, don't make it harder for him.

It's okay to be sad, but you need to accept this consequence of your previous choices and actions and focus on what is best for him right now you can process you later.

I don't know if I agree with this. You know how much I wish my WW would cry for our marriage?

[This message edited by Westway at 9:19 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

gmc94 posted 10/22/2019 09:51 AM

May be a relatively minor point in the circumstances:

I made him this shit sandwich, as it is always referred to as here, and now he has to decide if he wants to eat it all or throw it away.
The “sandwich” is comprised of trauma, hurt, pain, betrayal, etc. it does NOT get thrown away by S or D (or R). It must be processed and digested to heal. Hard as it is for both WS and BS to accept, there is no getting around eating every f*cking bite. The best case is the WS can provide support while the BS slogs thru it. One analogy for that ‘support’ is the WS can bring some water to help wash it down. For the 1st year+, I was so angry that I just threw my WH’s water back in his face - his water was mostly scummy stuff from the swamp (like TT to “protect” a BS’). Now, in hindsight, it makes sense, as a WS who hasn’t done the self reflection or work to alter their horrific wayward ways of thinking has no clue HOW to provide that support - how to search deep for pure water. And we BSs know the difference- we smell it and taste it and know that water is just as full of sh*t as the sandwich we’ve been served.

So, work on yourself to try and find a way to bring him fresh, clean, pure, and authentic water of support- water that HELPS the digestion vs makes the taste even worse.

Right now, your BS is choosing to eat it alone. That makes the most sense for him at the moment (the swamp of TT slime did not help). But eat it he must, regardless of what happens in the M.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 9:53 AM, October 22nd, 2019 (Tuesday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 10/22/2019 10:18 AM

I said "throw it away" because I've heard him and others say that "I have to decide to eat or throw it away." However, your analogy was amazing! I of course wish he didn't have to eat it, but I know I can't go back in time and stop it. Hopefully, he will accept my clean water when I have it.

But seriously, amazing analogy GMC.

hikingout posted 10/22/2019 16:04 PM

I will walk/run on my own and hold myself accountable

I was going to suggest this to you, but I have suggested this to so many WS I think people's eyes all roll to the back of their head.

Running saved me. It took me from a place of depression to stable moods. It gave me something to feel proud of. It made me realize I could do anything I put my mind to. It helped me manage stress, clear my head, and feel like I was being proactive towards something. It also taught me perseverance, mind over matter, and so much more. Running isn't the only way people can accomplish that but having a hobby that has attainable goals that you consistently move forward can be a way to fill yourself up. I think this will be a very good thing for you and something to focus some of your extra time on. I too run by myself, just be careful out there!

LifeDestroyer posted 10/22/2019 16:57 PM

Yes, we walked down main Street one night. Living there may be a trigger for him. Unfortunately, those apartments may be the only good choice. They are cheaper, closer to our house, he has seen them and thought they were good, and the park right there for our daughter. I found another, but it would be one bedroom and expensive. I could afford a two bedroom, but money would be very tight.

BraveSirRobin posted 10/22/2019 17:12 PM

I'm definitely not saying that it's an automatic deal breaker, but I think you should be cautious about how you present it. And if he says it's a deal breaker, it would be unwise to argue its merits. He needs to see that you're willing to be inconvenienced, even seriously, to make him feel ok. He might just need to know that you're aware and willing to forgo it, and conclude on his own that it's the best choice for your daughter.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/22/2019 18:07 PM

I don't want to live somewhere that will be a trigger for him. Even if we divorce, he may still come over to drop off or pick up our daughter. Unless of course he says we have to do that at a neutral location.

I'm just really scared. I'm scared of the unknown, even though I think that I have a pretty good idea of what will happen. I'm scared because I have ruined the family that our daughter deserved. I'm scared of not seeing our daughter every day. I'm scared of not seeing him each day. I know I didn't show it during the affair, but he is my best friend. We have grown up together. I'm scared of the loneliness that will occur in each of us.

I have hit my rock bottom. I am leaving our daughter, my husband, our home, and our dogs. If this isn't rock bottom, then I don't know what is and that is terrifying.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/22/2019 19:32 PM

I just set up my own phone account and car insurance. The insurance, I had to he transferred to the "Marital Transition Department." I had to apologize to the woman for crying on the phone with her. Tomorrow is my appointment to look at the apartment. They have two available for move in now. I will probably be moving in this week.

Justsomelady posted 10/22/2019 19:46 PM


ChangeMe1 posted 10/22/2019 19:56 PM


My heart goes out to you. Keep strong, keep working and keep going.

It may not feel like it right now, but you will be okay. If you keep doing the work you will be in a better place no matter what the future holds.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/22/2019 20:01 PM

I know I will be "ok", even if I'm faking it for awhile. I know he will be ok.

I killed the last 17 years together. Trying to grieve that, is harder then when I grieved my mom's death. Which sounds awful to say, but it's the truth. I couldn't help my mom, cancer caused that. I caused this.

Justsomelady posted 10/22/2019 20:27 PM

This is an “embrace the suck” time in your life. Let it in, don’t shut out your feelings. It sucks fo be where you are right now but know you need to be here to get through it all. The shitty feelings are her teaching you things, they are a sign you are on the right, thorny, sucky path.

Sucky is too light of a word, I know, but it is how I phrase stuff in my mind and is shorter and easier as a personal mantra to say “embrace the suck” vs “embrace the total devastation I have wrought on my loved ones and feel to the marrow of my bones every moment”

It’s a shitty place to be but you are feeling it and being present with it and crying and feeling and that is where you need to be. You used to avoid and numb - that’s what an affair fantasy is. Now you are definitely not numb so this awful feeling is progress although hard to see it.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/22/2019 20:30 PM

"Embrace the suck" is a lot shorter. I'm definitely not numb now.

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