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Trial Separation

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LifeDestroyer posted 11/20/2019 07:09 AM

Mmmm, hot smelly feet after working all day, I can't wait! 🤣🤣🤣

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 7:10 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 11/20/2019 19:17 PM

Just completed my first hot yoga class, first yoga in general. I was that person who cried. Not out of pain though. When we first started, we got into child's pose. The instructor told her to envision our intention, that one thing that we want. I immediately pictured N and I holding hands. Tears. Then at the end, while laying there still, she reads these affirmations. BOOM, tears! Those words were, wow! Needless to say, I purchased a month from Groupon and get another month free for being a teacher.

Justsomelady posted 11/20/2019 19:21 PM

💗 yoga, massages, etc those relax me and I can have that happen too. it is interesting what can open us up to feelings we arenít necessarily conscious of during the day to day.

Hope it wasnít too ďfeetyĒ and glad you enjoyed

LifeDestroyer posted 11/20/2019 19:27 PM

Nope, it didn't smell at all.

Lalagirl posted 11/21/2019 11:11 AM

((((LD))))) So proud of you! Keep up the good, positive work!

Yoga can definitely bring out emotions - emotional release is good for the soul...it's cathartic.

Pippin posted 11/21/2019 16:41 PM

LD, I had a long and difficult day and coming here and thinking about you in your yoga class and your hello from your husband and your daughterís stretches made it better. I can tell you from down in the trough - It cycles. catch your breath now, develop some strategies in the calm, so when the wave hits, you can manage it. Thatís what Iím doing at the moment, calling in all my various strategies. Itís not fun but better than denying it numbing or whatever the hell I was doing before.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/21/2019 20:18 PM

Well, I'm glad today was my last session with this therapist. I don't know if she just doesn't like men or what, but damn. She was all about "How are you going to forgive him for what he did to you? How are you going to forgive him for his affair?" Well, for starters he didn't have an affair. Then it was "How nice of your parents to leave you each day with your uncle who abused you." I don't know if her tactics work with others, but I'm done with her.

I see a new one next Wednesday. I hope she actually works.

BluesPower posted 11/22/2019 09:12 AM

Well, I'm glad today was my last session with this therapist. I don't know if she just doesn't like men or what, but damn. She was all about "How are you going to forgive him for what he did to you? How are you going to forgive him for his affair?" Well, for starters he didn't have an affair. Then it was "How nice of your parents to leave you each day with your uncle who abused you." I don't know if her tactics work with others, but I'm done with her.
I see a new one next Wednesday. I hope she actually works.

I understand that the process of finding the right therapist is super hard.

But just understand that there are a TON of bad therapist out there, just a ton.

Everyone has to find the one for them.

And yes, a huge percentage of female therapists are man haters. I am guessing that a big percentage we sexually abused by someone.

Just keep looking. You want someone that will hold you accountable, help you sort through the issues, and get yourself back on track...


LifeDestroyer posted 11/23/2019 17:54 PM

BH and I went to our daughter's dance recital today. One of the solo dancers danced to Can't Help Falling In Love, and I was trying to do my best to hold back my tears. I'm sitting next to my husband and can't talk to him. Our arms touched on the arm rest, and I was so happy. Our little girl was front and center of her group. She did amazing with Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.

I get her tomorrow and possibly all week. He said he might go somewhere for Thanksgiving weekend, but hasn't told me for sure. She and I will be going to watch Frozen 2 this week. We'll go out to eat on Thursday with my dad.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/25/2019 09:25 AM

DD and I went to this big park with a mom from my class. She brought her two boys. The kids had fun running all around. We had fun on these really fast slides. We all raced each other, kids vs kids, kids vs adults, and of course mom vs mom.

Friday night we were texting, she was telling me how she's miserable in her marriage, no sex, no money, extremely low self-esteem. I'm trying to comfort her, agree with her on things that are really hurtful (involving her own mom), try to give ideas on things she can try/say. All things I should have done instead of keeping quiet. I felt like shit because I knew I was lying to her about my situation. Saturday I texted her told her that I had been lying to her. I told her that we are doing a trial separation and I live in an apartment. I explained to her that I didn't want anyone at school knowing, and I didn't tell her why the separation happened. I'm not there yet to share it with people. There was some relief telling her about it. I didn't have to keep lying. I can also now vent to her when I'm feeling down.

Bigheart2018 posted 11/25/2019 09:42 AM

LD,
If I'm not mistaking, your friend is complaining about things lacking in her marriage that you had yours and taken for granted.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/25/2019 10:00 AM

LD,

I wonder if the other mom confided a bit in you as you are a new friend, so a 'safe' person to open up with as she may not feel like she can do same with her group of friends...You know, it always is good to have someone to be able to confide in.

You can judge whether she is someone to open up with, but it seems she is trying to do that with you. Sometimes you need to put yourself out there a bit.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/25/2019 10:06 AM

She opened up right away. She was very forthcoming. At first, I was surprised and didn't know how to respond since I am her kid's teacher. So, I would just reply to some of her texts with funny GIFs or emojis. She kept on being very open, so I responded back. When I told her I was lying, she said she could tell something was off with what I was saying. She asked how I was doing and again when we met up at the park. She also asked how our daughter is doing through this.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/25/2019 10:32 AM

If you're her kid's teacher you may want to keep things a bit separated.....

LifeDestroyer posted 11/25/2019 11:29 AM

I haven't gone into detail about anything with her. She vents about her life, I talk about my struggles with our daughter, and we send funny images. I don't intend on getting deep with her since I have her son.

thatbpguy posted 11/25/2019 11:29 AM

LD, maybe you have found a sort of kindred spirit to help each other out. She can be your sounding board and you can help her by helping her to work thru her issues from yours. And the kids can play together.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 11/25/2019 13:23 PM

Personally I would keep relationships with my students parents professional. Find friends elsewhere. This is a business relationship.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/26/2019 15:12 PM

17 days so far in this apartment. They had to fix my bedroom window, spray for fleas, replace my washer, and now fixing the drain in my bathroom sink. It's great there's someone to fix all of this stuff, but sucks that there's already been a list of things that needed to be fixed.

I bought a 3' Christmas tree, but haven't been in the mood to put it up yet. I need to go to the house to get the decorations I want.

emergent8 posted 11/26/2019 16:26 PM

I see a lot of whining and mooning from you, but not a lot of self-reflection. I don't understand what you're doing with your time apart other than hoping your husband wants to chat during all the times you've 'had' to make contact with him during this period of time where he has asked for no-contact.

If I were you, I'd be doing everything I could to figure out my whys. I'd use the resources here and the people here who have been through it, to tackle the difficult truths about what I had done. I'd be identifying the character flaws I have that allowed me to justify breaking my vows and then continually lying about it in the face of a spouse who was in excruciating pain (at my own hands). I'd be practicing vulnerability and humility and working hard to learn to curb my defensiveness.

You have one shot at this and in the circumstances, you're lucky to have it. You must know this. What are you reading? What have you learned about yourself? What are your "whys"? If you don't have them yet, fine, but what are you doing to figure them out?

LifeDestroyer posted 11/26/2019 17:13 PM

I have been self-reflecting, on here as well as in PMs. I have been figuring out my awful character flaws that allowed me to betray my husband, break my vows, and continue to lie to him. The shitty therapist did help me figure out what some of my whys could have been.

My catch 22 here: any answer I give will either come off as bragging, looking for credit, or being defensive. I realize I have burned a shit ton of bridges on this site. I'm thankful for those who still comment and try in spite of my lying. For those, I still post. I share my feelings, because even though I caused all of this, I am still allowed to feel the shitty pain. My keeping in my feelings was one of the fucked up things that led me down the A path.

Practicing Humility:
-The few people that do know something is going on, I don't bring my crap up when talking about life. I listen to them speak about their problems and try to be an ear for them. I don't throw my woe is me bullshit in their face.
-I actually came clean to that mom about my living situation. I could have easily kept on lying to her about it because I'm used to lying, but that is the wrong kind of thinking. Yes, I haven't told her why I moved out, but I did tell the truth about being separated. Maybe that is not big to some, but to me that is pretty big.
-I have admitted my mistakes and do not claim to be right on anything. I'm taking a damn parenting class because I have made so many mistakes with being a mom that I don't know what to do anymore.

Vulnerability: I can't do that with him right now. With others, I have completely opened up. With members on here through PM, I have opened up about my feelings and issues. Complete strangers, I have told them deep personal things about me in hopes they had some advice. I cried during a yoga class and a barre class. I wish it was because of physical pain, but it wasn't.

Defensiveness: again, anything I write as a response can be taken as being defensive even when I truly am just answering the question

Reading: I was reading the Gifts of Imperfections until I lost it in the move. I have been looking around for it. I have also been reading a book on strong willed kids because I am trying to handle my daughter. I am also on this site all day long reading posts in all of the forums.

What I've learned about myself and my whys, I'll write a separate comment for that. I have to go to the next parenting class now.

You might just see me as one giant WW complainer, but I have actually taken a deep dark look at myself and have realized things. I have realized horrible things about myself. I have also realized that he would absolutely be better off without me. That has probably been one of the hardest things to swallow.

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