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Trial Separation

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emergent8 posted 11/26/2019 19:04 PM

Sigh..... well then LifeDestroyer, I guess you've got it all figured out then.

Look, I don't see you as one giant WW complainer. I see you as someone who made several poor choices that blew her life up and who, for whatever reason (be it fear, shame, guilt or an unyielding desire to people-please) can't seem to figure out how to stop standing in her own way. I absolutely think you're entitled to "the shitty pain" - this shit sucks, not matter which side of the fence you are on. I also believe you when you say you want to R with your husband. I'm writing because I am concerned that your blindspots are preventing you from doing the work necessary for R. If you think you are then by all means, feel free to continue to disregard.

If you've figured out some of your "whys" share them here, and ask for feedback. You've had good advice and reactions from other posters when you have done so, but I think more than the lying, its your defensiveness that has scared people off. The second someone writes something to you that you perceive as criticism your first reaction is to explain to them why they are wrong or to justify your response. Not once have you taken something that someone said, and said "I've never thought about that before, thanks" or "I'll take that onboard," or "I hadn't thought of that". This is a message board for people who have or are struggling with infidelity. It's pretty difficult to converse with someone who is unwilling or unable to accept advice.

Not all criticism (or perceived criticism) is an indictment of your entire being. Yes, you have screwed up but that doesn't make you a terrible person. I get the sense that you struggle with this. I'm certainly not the first person to point out that the defensiveness is a problem. Instead of continually resisting, maybe try taking it to heart. By that, I don't just mean editing what you say so as not to come off as defensiveness, but instead delving into what is causing it. Other It seems like an obvious starting point for you. In my experience, defensiveness tends to come from a place of internal fragility.


LifeDestroyer posted 11/26/2019 19:09 PM

I have to ask, where in my response did I say " I have it all figured out?" I have absolutely nothing figured out. I am starting to figure out my whys. Now I am wrong for that according to your response?

This sentence Not once have you taken something that someone said, and said "I've never thought about that before, thanks" is absolutely wrong because I have in fact said those exact words to members here.

I answer your questions truthfully, and I'm told that I think I have it all figured out.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/26/2019 19:19 PM

I'm sitting in the parking lot of family and children's services crying because nothing I say will ever come off as truthful and not defensive. I answer your questions truthfully as best as I can with how I am actually feeling or what I am actually doing, and it's still not good enough or correct. I know I shouldn't care what the members here think, but I do when it then gets back to my BH. You then go to his thread and say the negative that you have in your head. I'm then used as the worst WW on here currently. Mentioned in many threads on this site. It's hard not to care what others think because it all goes right into his thinking, especially now that we are not speaking.

I am trying here. I have blown up 7 lived, mine included. I am trying to figure out why I did it. I am trying to figure out how I could have hurt my husband. I am trying to figure out how I could have three children and an innocent wife. I am trying to figure out how to be a single mom to our daughter who I already had problems with. I am trying to figure out how to look at myself in the mirror each day and not want to destroy it. I am trying.

Lostgirl410 posted 11/26/2019 22:52 PM

I see a lot of whining and mooning from you, but not a lot of self-reflection. I don't understand what you're doing with your time apart other than hoping your husband wants to chat during all the times you've 'had' to make contact with him during this period of time where he has asked for no-contact.

While I can understand how one might come to this conclusion at a surface level, this is far from what I see with LD's posts.

I see a broken woman who instead of fleeing from a community (SI) she has clearly shown her ass in, has chosen to lean in regardless of what the outcome may be.

Not all her posts display a profound sense of self-actualization, but if you take the time to look...some really do.

She seems to use SI almost as a type of journal. This isn't all bad. She owns her defensiveness. She admits her shortcomings as she recognizes them. Not everything she posts is a profound realization, but I think this may be her way of learning to give more than she takes.

She is learning to open herself to criticism. That in itself is huge. It may not all be major revelations, but Rome wasn't built in a day.

There will always be more work to do. Choosing to tackle it in the first place is something I hope gives her the confidence to continue.

MrCleanSlate posted 11/27/2019 05:22 AM

I am trying here. I have blown up 7 lived, mine included. I am trying to figure out why I did it. I am trying to figure out how I could have hurt my husband. I am trying to figure out how I could have three children and an innocent wife. I am trying to figure out how to be a single mom to our daughter who I already had problems with. I am trying to figure out how to look at myself in the mirror each day and not want to destroy it. I am trying.

That there is some real emotion of what you, LD, are dealing with. I think also we see a number of posts that are daily logs, or updates, but also goes to a process of opening up.

4 years ago I didn't have the balls to post here. I lurked - a lot. Now, when you started off here you were not not being honest with yourself or the community. I see a lot of change. And I see you fight back on the 2x4's as well.

It's only been 3-4 weeks since real D-Day so you still have a lot of self evaluation and learning to do. It took me nearly a year to really understand my whys. And 4 years later my regret is greater now because of the growth and reflection, etc.

I know I shouldn't care what the members here think, but I do when it then gets back to my BH. You then go to his thread and say the negative that you have in your head. I'm then used as the worst WW on here currently. Mentioned in many threads on this site. It's hard not to care what others think because it all goes right into his thinking, especially now that we are not speaking.

This is where you need to take a moment and consider are you posting here to really get help or to show your BH what you are doing. Do yourself a a favour, stop trying to 'message' your BH. Maybe some other WS/BS combos can pipe in on how they deal with both being on the site, but to me it seems you will get more if you put what your BH may see or hear out of your head and post from the heart what you want to.

I struggled to put a thread up about the feeling I need to apologize to my former AP. Something I hesitated to discuss with my BW. Once I did, I got a lot of response from the community and it helped sort out my feelings but not in the way I expected. We can all learn....

emergent8 posted 11/27/2019 13:43 PM

LD - Relax. Take a breath. You're spiraling.

Your life sucks right now. Full stop. I get that. I have empathy for you. Plenty of people here do - whether it always feels like that or not. Despite everything, I'm cheering for you. I want you to succeed. I would not post if I didn't. I have never used you as an example of the worst kind of WW on the board. I promise you, I am not your enemy.

You're reacting the way you are to my comments because (a) you are understandably overwhelmed and (b) you know I follow your husband's thread. Here's the thing, I've followed yours as well. Please know I have no intention of taking information back and forth between them. I have seen how problematic that has been in the past for you two and its not something I wish to contribute to. For that reason, I have intentionally refrained from posting on your threads thus far. I chose to post yesterday because (a) I think you need help/direction and (b) like MrCleanSlate, I have started to question whether you are posting here for help/growth or because you see it as a way to forge a channel of communication with your BH during this period of NC. I *want* to believe it is the former and I do think you have recently shown flickers of movement in the right direction. That said, I can also see why the latter would be incredibly tempting for someone in your position. (Note: Before you provide a kneejerk response defending your intentions here, please ask yourself if there is a modicum of truth to this. If so, please just let it be. Both can be true.)

On the issue of defensiveness, go back and read my first post on this thread. I don't actually ask any questions of you until the third paragraph, and even there the questions were meant as examples/suggestions of things to focus on (for example, rather than fleas and Christmas ornaments). That said, you felt the need to explain or justify yourself in response to every single thing I said. THIS is your defensiveness speaking. The result was that you effectively shut down my comment and told me I was wrong, rather than engage. With respect to my second post you ignored everything except the one thing you could take issue with and you argued that.

I appreciate that you see yourself in a no-win situation here and you believe that no matter what you do, everything you say comes off as defensive. My husband claimed this same exact thing in the aftermath of D-Day and MANY other Waywards have acknowledged similar struggles here. Instead of continuing to argue about it, I strongly urge you to consider that maybe, just maybe, there is some validity to it and that it's holding you back from getting everything you can from this place at a time where you could really use the help.

I get that you are trying right now. I can see that. I just hope you expend your energy productively. In a way, I see you as someone who has been thrown into a giant, fast-moving river and you are flailing. I want you to make it to shore. If someone is willing to throw you a life preserver, then by all means, take it.


Buffer posted 11/28/2019 05:34 AM

Hey LD,

One day at a time, in with anger out with love.

Buffer posted 11/28/2019 05:34 AM

double post.

[This message edited by Buffer at 5:35 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 11/30/2019 08:59 AM

I was a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge deep funk. The days leading up to Wednesday sucked, and then Wednesday was a "let's crawl into a hole" kind of day. Thursday wasn't much better. When I went to my first session with my new therapist on Wednesday, I immediately started crying. I just let it all out. I've gotten good at quickly recapping my life. There was something about her, I think I will end up staying.

Yesterday, I bought some decor for our daughter's room and Christmas gifts thanks to black Friday deals. Every year, you have to get that one present that you will end up regretting. This year it is a dollhouse that we will have to color in completely. I have a feeling I will end up having to color the majority of it 🙄, but it should be good.

I'm over the funk for now, hopefully it's awhile before it returns.

nekonamida posted 11/30/2019 16:42 PM

The dollhouse is a great opportunity to give your daughter a little bit of responsibility. Let her color it herself over time. It doesn't have to be done all at once. She will add to it as she takes an interest in it. You don't have to do it for her. Nothing bad will happen if it's not done. This could be a good exercise for you in helping her do something instead of doing it for her.

LifeDestroyer posted 12/5/2019 07:22 AM

Yesterday was my second session with my new therapist. She brought up wanting to try EMDR. She thought it may help with any unresolved feelings about my past traumas, current situation, and dealing with frustration. We started with finding my happy place, as she put it. She would like for me to try to picture/feel it when my emotions become overpowering. She moved her fingers side to side and diagonal while having me picture different parts and feelings of my place. I was able to during some of them, but then others my mind went to wanting to count how many times she moved her fingers, or the sound machine noise, or thinking "this is nuts." I had to keep refocusing.

After therapy is went to a hot yoga class. If you haven't tried, you really should. I was right by the heater, and it was amazing.

pinkpggy posted 12/5/2019 10:50 AM

You inspired me to try hot yoga for the first time!! I went this morning to tbis new studio that opened by me and it was amazing. They use infrared heat with a heated soft floor!! I loved it!!

Buck posted 12/5/2019 11:11 AM

LD, I can’t really offer you any advice on your situation, my life is a freaking mess too.

I can offer some EMDR tips though. I did EMDR off and in for 2 years. Once you’ve started doing the “work”, meaning focusing on some trauma you want to face/process from your past, it becomes exhausting. I found taking a nap after EMDR helped me to not feel somewhat disconnected or out of sorts for a couple of days after a session. You’ll have really odd and vivid dreams for a few days too. I think it’s all part of the processing process.

I will say EMDR made a huge difference in my life. I was able to objectively look at events or certain scenarios and see them differently. The tide of emotion that would pop up when thinking about these things was now manageable. Emotions no longer swamped the thoughts. I hope EMDR works as well for you.

LifeDestroyer posted 12/5/2019 11:16 AM

Pink, yes!!!!! Those are the same type of heaters they use here. I left dripping last night.

pinkpggy posted 12/5/2019 14:10 PM

It was so good. I know I'm further out than you but this WW stuff is heavy. It was nice just...to be, mind and body. At the end she placed ice cold lavender towels for us to put on our foreheads while laying still. So amazing.

LifeDestroyer posted 12/5/2019 14:20 PM

Ours does the towel too and it feels amazing! She then reads some affirmations which always make me cry, but it feels good. In the middle of it, I will feel some strength trying to break through.

Westway posted 12/5/2019 18:23 PM

If you want to age prematurely do bikram yoga. My WW's friend does this. She's in her 30s and she looks 55. Shriveled up like a prune.

LifeDestroyer posted 12/5/2019 20:11 PM

This was my 4th hot yoga class, and at the end of each one I cried. The instructor reads these beautiful affirmations, but I felt weak, pathetic, and defeated while listening to them, trying to take them in. Not tonight though. Tonight, I felt strong as she read them. I silently said each one back to myself, reassuring myself. I don't know what changed. Maybe I'm starting realize what life will be like. Who knows. Tonight felt great though, even with doing back to back classes and probably not being able to walk in the morning.

LifeDestroyer posted 12/5/2019 20:12 PM

Double post

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 8:14 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]

pinkpggy posted 12/6/2019 09:47 AM

Westway-thanks for the heads up

LD- I think that is a good step. Its really hard to come to terms with yourself. It took me a full year to accept what I did, even now its hard for me to see myself as "that person." Its like I don't recognize myself.

Even through all this, self care is important. Making yourself stronger and the best version of yourself, so that no matter what happens, you become healthier and stronger and learn your self worth.

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