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Trial Separation

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LifeDestroyer posted 12/6/2019 09:51 AM

Bikram yoga, that will be a big fat nope!

LifeDestroyer posted 12/9/2019 20:34 PM

For those who divorced and had young children, how did you tell them? Yes we are already separated, but our daughter thinks we will be a family again. I feel that in the next month or so, I will have to tell her that won't be happening. That's definitely not something I want to have to tell her. That's what's been on my mind lately.

Newlifeisgreat posted 12/9/2019 21:43 PM

Why worry about things that are not on your plate?

Worry about looking at yourself?
Worry about find a way to be safe for your husband?


Take one thing at a time, and donít admit defeat yet

LifeDestroyer posted 12/9/2019 21:54 PM

I want to try to be ready for it for my daughter. If one even can be ready for divorce. I wouldn't say I'm admitting defeat. I would say I'm looking at all the possible outcomes and trying to figure out how to prepare for them. If our daughter wasn't involved, well he would have divorced me immediately, I would be taking this one day at a time. However, since we have her, the thought of what her future will look like is at the front of my mind each day. I screwed up enough. Now I have to find a new way to make her future happy.

LifeDestroyer posted 12/11/2019 22:07 PM

I've felt stronger this week. I told my therapist I wasn't sure if it was real or not, if my body is trying to prepare itself for the worst case scenario or what. Tonight though, I broke down. I was listening to this song, looking at a picture of the two of us, and then a ton of tears. He's actually smiling in the picture, and he very rarely smiles in pictures. I heard this song in August for the first time. I stopped in my tracks the first time because I instantly thought that is what he must be feeling. I played it ten more times that day. I put it on my playlist. It has definitely brought out a lot of tears these past few months.

Why did I take him for granted? Why did I take that moment in the picture for granted? It was a great day. We went in his Jeep on a poker run through these trails. Towards the end of it, we stopped on top of this bluff over looking the river. It was really pretty. That's where we're standing in the picture, both smiling.

Sorry, I just haven't cried in a little bit and I needed a moment to show my feelings. All day I walk around like there's nothing wrong at school, just normal teacher frustration.

LifeDestroyer posted 12/12/2019 08:18 AM

It's lucky when a flock of geese/ducks crap all over your car on both sides, right? 🤦🤣

Lalagirl posted 12/12/2019 08:56 AM

It's lucky when a flock of geese/ducks crap all over your car on both sides, right?
Something like that, except I think it's considered "lucky" for your person to be shat upon.

LifeDestroyer posted 12/12/2019 08:57 AM

I wanted to post a picture because it's that good, but don't know how to without a link. It's the thick kind too.

BluesPower posted 12/12/2019 11:18 AM

Why did I take him for granted? Why did I take that moment in the picture for granted? It was a great day. We went in his Jeep on a poker run through these trails. Towards the end of it, we stopped on top of this bluff over looking the river. It was really pretty. That's where we're standing in the picture, both smiling.

I am not sure that you even realize that the questions you are thinking about are actually a sign of growth.

These are the questions that he is asking himself... What is wrong with me, why wasn't I good enough, I worked my butt off for her, tried to be a good husband.

If you actually have a chance at R, you need to have some REAL, HONEST answers, for these questions. Something more than I am stupid.

Why are you so down about the future? Has he said anything more concrete about D? OR is that your mind running away with these thoughts?

Try to hang in there...

[This message edited by BluesPower at 11:19 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

LifeDestroyer posted 12/12/2019 11:32 AM

Why are you so down about the future? Has he said anything more concrete about D? OR is that your mind running away with these thoughts?

He hasn't said anything concrete to me about divorce, but he has made little comments while speaking to our daughter that maybe I just took too personal. Also, yes my mind is running away with the thoughts because I know he absolutely deserves better. He deserves to be with a woman he can look at and not see/feel all the pain she caused him. Why would he choose to stay knowing that's what he will feel? Maybe I'm putting myself in his shoes, I don't know. Again, it's just a gut feeling I have. I'm still holding on to that hope, but I'm also trying to prepare myself.

Lalagirl posted 12/12/2019 11:40 AM

I am not sure that you even realize that the questions you are thinking about are actually a sign of growth.

I agree. You're really making progress!

Again, it's just a gut feeling I have. I'm still holding on to that hope, but I'm also trying to prepare myself.

More progress, IMO; you are beginning to let go of the outcome. You're doing you to be a healthier, happier you no matter what happens with the M.

MickeyBill2016 posted 12/13/2019 11:28 AM

Also, yes my mind is running away with the thoughts

When you don't have true information your brain will try to figure things out on it's own, filling the gaps with conjecture.
My brain usually goes to the worst case scenario making up stuff that may or may not be true. That way I'm not disappointed, just happy if things are not so bad.
Hope for the best plan for the worst.

LifeDestroyer posted 12/13/2019 11:41 AM

That's exactly what I do Mickey. I always hope for the best, but expect the worse. My brain and heart are preparing for the worst, make it a tiny bit easier when it happens. I doubt that will actually happen, the easy part.

I still don't know when we will talk about things. It could be in a few weeks like he first said was a possibility or it could be tomorrow or it could be months from now. Swimming around in the dark ocean of the unknown is scary. Anytime he sends me an email, my heart jumps right to my throat because I have no idea what will be inside, good news or ok news or bad news. I know this is just a fraction of what a BS feels each day, especially who are still uncertain about their WS.

The unknown can go take a hike somewhere else.

[This message edited by LifeDestroyer at 1:18 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

BluesPower posted 12/13/2019 12:33 PM

I know this is just a fraction of what a BS feels each day, especially who are still uncertain about their WS.

I know that this whole things sucks for everyone.

But once again, you are starting to see what you have done at a deeper level which, like I said - if you get the chance, is going to be essential if he ever decides to give you a chance to R.

You need to keep FEELING this stuff, recognizing this stuff, because it will do nothing but help you in the future no matter what happens...

LifeDestroyer posted 12/14/2019 15:00 PM

I know I have no control over the outcome of this separation, but isn't not asking for a divorce being selfish? I 100% absolutely hope he can try to reconcile with me, but I also know he deserves better. I do believe that I can be a safe partner for him, but that doesn't mean I don't think he deserves someone else, someone who hasn't hurt him.

IHatePickingName posted 12/14/2019 15:11 PM

I dont think it is selfish at all to tell him exactly that. You hope he can reconcile with yu, believe you can become safe, but also understand he deserves better. Not asking is you letting go of the outcome and giving him the time and autonomy to decide the direction he wants this to go. It is the opposite of selfish.

LifeDestroyer posted 12/31/2019 12:03 PM

We've been separated for 52 days. It feels longer, but at the same time it feels like he was just helping me unload my belongings. 52 days.

I think about him all day long. I think about what I did to him and our daughter all day long. I picture what their life will be like if we divorce. I replay January, that's when this all started. I play out what I should have done and said. I question the fuck out of myself on how I let this happen. I think about how I wish I can help him.

This young teacher I work with passed away. Her memorial service is this Saturday. A bunch of us are going. She was only 28. Fucking cancer got her at 28. She never had the chance to fall in love, get married and start a family. She was great with the students too. I read her obituary last night and broke down. I didn't really know her, as I just started working with her. I sat in my living room bawling. I know it was more than just reading about her life.

52 days

Justsomelady posted 12/31/2019 15:02 PM

They is so sad about your colleague, I am sure it makes you want to pull your loved ones near, and Makes the separation harder to handle at the moment.

How was Christmas?

LifeDestroyer posted 12/31/2019 15:11 PM

It does indeed.

Christmas was ok. Our daughter was crazy excited for all of her gifts. He actually sat down and had breakfast with us, which I was so happy about. We stayed for 4 hours. It sucked having to ask her which new toys/clothes she wanted to bring to my place and which ones to leave there. She said the best part of Christmas, besides the presents, was getting to spend time with the whole family.

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